- This is why straight men watch gay porn
- Two Burglars Sodomized For Five Days Straight After Breaking Into The House Of Notorious Gay Rapist
- 20 Most Dangerous Places For Gay Travelers (And The 5 Safest)
- Recently in Dear Prudence
- Gay for pay isn’t just the stuff of fantasies
- What is Gay for Pay?
- 1. Rebelling against gender stereotypes
- 2. Straight men watch gay porn to see what other male bodies look like
- 3. Some straight-identifying men are actually gay or curious
- 1. „I let my friend kiss me. He came from a really religious household and was finally realizing that he was gay. He asked if he could kiss me to see if it felt different than kissing a girl. He is my friend and I had kissed people in theater so I kind of figured, eh, why not? After the kiss, which included more tongue than I expected (which was any), he pulled back and said, ‚Thanks!‘ And then immediately, ‚Aw, fuck. I’m definitely gay.'“> 1. „I let my friend kiss me. He came from a really religious household and was finally realizing that he was gay. He asked if he could kiss me to see if it felt different than kissing a girl. He is my friend and I had kissed people in theater so I kind of figured, eh, why not? After the kiss, which included more tongue than I expected (which was any), he pulled back and said, ‚Thanks!‘ And then immediately, ‚Aw, fuck. I’m definitely gay.'“
- 3. „One of my best friends is gay. He refers to this as a ’no homo bro cuddle‘: I went to his house and stayed the night and we slept in the same bed. Completely non-sexual, but we did spoon (I was big spoon) for comfort and just to cuddle. Reason being, his dad had recently died and he had been sleeping poorly. Said he just needed someone to cuddle with for comfort so he could get a good night’s sleep. … It was pretty gay to spoon with a gay man in his bed overnight. But I don’t regret it.“> 3. „One of my best friends is gay. He refers to this as a ’no homo bro cuddle‘: I went to his house and stayed the night and we slept in the same bed. Completely non-sexual, but we did spoon (I was big spoon) for comfort and just to cuddle. Reason being, his dad had recently died and he had been sleeping poorly. Said he just needed someone to cuddle with for comfort so he could get a good night’s sleep. … It was pretty gay to spoon with a gay man in his bed overnight. But I don’t regret it.“
- 7. „Went with three gay friends to a dive gay bar (with gay porn videos playing on screens, a nude live dancer, that kind of bar). Had a fucking blast. Got drunk, got hit on (flattered!), danced as if I wasn’t straight… fun as shit.“> 7. „Went with three gay friends to a dive gay bar (with gay porn videos playing on screens, a nude live dancer, that kind of bar). Had a fucking blast. Got drunk, got hit on (flattered!), danced as if I wasn’t straight… fun as shit.“
- 12. „I was at a gay bar with some gay friends and this young guy wearing a friggin suit walked up and asked me for a dance. I told him I wasn’t gay and he said, ‚I just came out and I want my first dance to be with someone beautiful.‘ I did a slow dance with the dude and went on my way. Dude deserved it for that A+ line.“> 12. „I was at a gay bar with some gay friends and this young guy wearing a friggin suit walked up and asked me for a dance. I told him I wasn’t gay and he said, ‚I just came out and I want my first dance to be with someone beautiful.‘ I did a slow dance with the dude and went on my way. Dude deserved it for that A+ line.“
- 13. „Pretended to be my friend’s boyfriend to prevent him from being hit on from this guy he didn’t want to hit on him. We put our arms around each other and I kissed him on the temple… Gay or straight, no means no, and I’ll do this a thousand times more if I have to!“> 13. „Pretended to be my friend’s boyfriend to prevent him from being hit on from this guy he didn’t want to hit on him. We put our arms around each other and I kissed him on the temple… Gay or straight, no means no, and I’ll do this a thousand times more if I have to!“
- 15. „Made out with a close friend when he came out to me as gay. He wasn’t really sure how I would respond when he told me he thought I was attractive, I didn’t know how I was gonna respond either. He decided to just go for it and kiss me. Honestly, best make out session I’ve had. Every girl I’ve made out with lacked the passion he did, I never made out with him again.“> 15. „Made out with a close friend when he came out to me as gay. He wasn’t really sure how I would respond when he told me he thought I was attractive, I didn’t know how I was gonna respond either. He decided to just go for it and kiss me. Honestly, best make out session I’ve had. Every girl I’ve made out with lacked the passion he did, I never made out with him again.“
- 18. „I was at a dorm party and we were all drunk. One of our friends is the annoying loud drunk and happens to be gay. He was complaining how it’s been ages since he kissed a dude. Bro, I just wanted a chill mood so I could eat my pizza rolls and he was killing the vibe. So I grabbed his head, made out with him hardcore for a bit… He just laughed and said ‚wow‘ every now and again. Fit the vibe I was going for way better, so no regrets.“> 18. „I was at a dorm party and we were all drunk. One of our friends is the annoying loud drunk and happens to be gay. He was complaining how it’s been ages since he kissed a dude. Bro, I just wanted a chill mood so I could eat my pizza rolls and he was killing the vibe. So I grabbed his head, made out with him hardcore for a bit… He just laughed and said ‚wow‘ every now and again. Fit the vibe I was going for way better, so no regrets.“
- And this week on Reddit, a thread by user The_WereArcticFox asked straight men a VERY eye-opening question: „What is the strangest thing you have been told not to do because ‚that’s gay‘?“> And this week on Reddit, a thread by user The_WereArcticFox asked straight men a VERY eye-opening question: „What is the strangest thing you have been told not to do because ‚that’s gay‘?“
- More from PinkNews
- What does gay chastity mean, and what’s the difference between a chastity belt and chastity cage?
- How to Get Advice From Prudie:
„Straight-Guy Porn” is a wildly popular subgenre of online amateur pornography that features supposedly heterosexual men having sex with other men for a gay male audience. Why do some gay men prefer to watch sex between two heterosexual men? Where does this desire come from? Is it innate or is it learned? And why would men who identify as straight choose to perform in gay porn? Straight Guys follows filmmaker Daniel Laurin on his journey to answer these questions and reconcile his own relationship to this type of pornography. Daniel speaks to porn historians, porn theorists, porn producers and the performers themselves.
Straight Guys is a lighthearted look at a very real and pressing set of questions. As children and teenagers get more and more of their information from the Internet, pornography has become an increasingly prevalent source of sexual education. It is an even more influential resource for gay/bisexual/questioning teens, who have very few examples of gay sexuality in mainstream media. This film uses Straight-Guy Porn as an entry point into deeper questions about gay desire in a very straight world.
This film was my thesis for my Master of Fine Arts in Documentary Media at Ryerson University, Toronto, Canada.
This is why straight men watch gay porn
The Good-Faith Advice Column.
Read what some of your friends are thinking about at sjmphotography.info or tweet #AdvicePrudie sjmphotography.info — Advice Prudie (@AdvicePrudie) June 2, 2018.
I recently made the mistake of signing up for a car subscription service. At first, I liked the idea of having a car to use, but it became clear pretty quickly that the monthly payment wasn’t going to be worth it. So I cancelled my subscription, and I’m glad I did.
I made a different mistake when I was asked what brand of clothing I wear for work.
If my job is a retail sales job, like in the clothing store I work in now, I’m always thinking about which of our many clothing styles I want to wear for the next season. And I end up looking at each outfit in the store, imagining which of them I would want to get in my closet.
I think if I’d been working as a fashion designer, this would have been a smart thing to do. You need to know what you’re selling, right?
But I’m not a fashion designer. I work at a company that’s not a fashion company. I’m a lawyer. I deal with contracts and agreements and all the boring business stuff that’s necessary to keep our business going. I take care of the paperwork. I write briefs and court memorandums and contracts. I deal with my own payroll and other administrative stuff. I don’t think about what clothes I should wear on a given day. That’s not my job.
For me, I could just wear whatever I want. I like to wear jeans and T-shirts a lot.
Two Burglars Sodomized For Five Days Straight After Breaking Into The House Of Notorious Gay Rapist
Two burglars got more than they bargained for recently after picking the wrong house to break into. Garfield Morgan, 54, and his 36 year old accomplice friend Kim Gorton are both career burglars, having stolen from hundreds of homes in their lives. But it’s unlikely they’ll go back to crime after the nasty episode they experienced in the home of one Florida man…
Harry Harrington is 6’7″ and weighs over 300lbs. It’s pure muscle. He’s a notorious gay s*x predator who has served time in jail for numerous sexual assaults. An aggressive and predatory offender, he’s not the kind of man you want to annoy. But that’s just what Morgan and Gorton did that fateful night.
Harrington, known as ‘The Wolfman‘, easily overpowered the men, tied them up and assaulted them for five full days. Police only intervened after a neighbor heard the men’s cries for help and called them.
As you can see from their mug shots below, the men were extremely traumatized by their ordeal. What they went through is inexcusable, but many online commentators are saying that they deserved some kind of retribution for their crimes. Though we tend to think that a spell in prison is probably more fair. Five days of being raped by a man mountain is a bit much, isn’t it?
“They broke in my front door, so I broke in their back doors!” The Wolfman is said to told police on his arrest.
The men face burglary charges, while Harrington is looking at another stretch inside for his actions.
20 Most Dangerous Places For Gay Travelers (And The 5 Safest)
Depending on where they’re headed, gay travelers can face great risks. In April 2019, the country of Brunei enacted an Islamic law making it legal to flog and stone LGBTQ people to death. And it’s not the only country to have the death penalty on the books: A few others include Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan and Iran. According to Equaldex, a range of gay activities are illegal in 71 countries.
“This is horrifying,” says journalist Lyric Fergusson, who runs a blog with her husband, Asher, that is focused on travel safety. In an attempt to help determine the worst places for gay travelers, the duo created the 2019 LGBTQ+ Danger Index, ranking the world’s most dangerous—and safest—countries for gay travelers. The couple also updated the list with the best and worst places for gay travelers in 2021, which can be viewed here.
“We have seen LGBTQ+ people dear to our hearts be discriminated against and our deepest desire for writing this article was to bring awareness to these issues and hopefully catalyze change,” says Fergusson. “As travel journalists, we wanted to help the LGBTQ+ community educate themselves on the very complex and layered world of staying safe during international travel.”
A new report details the most dangerous—and safest—places for gay travelers.
The journalists looked at the top 150 most-visited countries in the world by the number of incoming tourists, then ranked them using eight factors, including laws against gay relationships, legal protection against discrimination and more. According to the report, a few factors—such as adoption recognition and worker protections—may not affect travelers directly but are a good indication of overall attitudes within the culture.
“These issues can affect everything, from your ability to show public displays of affection to being able to share a hotel room bed to the capacity at which you can use dating apps without being caught by the local police,” reads the report.
A view of the Lagos skyline in Nigeria, which was named the most dangerous place in the world for … [+] LGBTQ travelers.
Topping the LGBTQ+ Danger Index is Nigeria, which is considered the worst country for violence against gay travelers. There, people can be put in prison for up to 14 years just for being gay, and some states even have the death penalty under Sharia law.
Sweden is the safest country in the world for LGBTQ travelers. Same-sex marriage has been legal there since 2009, and the country has more Pride festivals per capita than anywhere else in the world.
One shocking statistic: “A whopping 47 of the 70 countries that have illegal same-sex relationships were part of the British Empire. That is 67%!” says Fergusson. “This isn’t a coincidence. In almost all cases, the laws outlawing consensual gay sex were put into place under British rule and were left in place following independence.”
The United Kingdom is the sixth safest country in the world for LGBTQ+ travelers, however, many … [+] countries with laws against same-sex relationships were once part of the British Empire.
India is an example of a country that has taken many years to make some strides. “In 2018, India managed to annul Section 377, a British colonial-era law prohibiting ‘unnatural acts,’ in order to legalize consensual gay sex,” says Fergusson, who points out that ancient Indian literature such as the Mahabharata and Ramayana have many references to LGBTQ+ heroes including transgender warriors and two queens who made love in order for one queen to get pregnant with an heir for their kingdom. “Long story short, this points to the fact that it was likely the British influence that largely led to Indian homophobia in the first place,” she says.
Surprisingly, given this history, the United Kingdom is the sixth safest country in the world for LGBTQ+ travelers. “We found this to be a bit ironic as the reason for many of the harsh homophobic laws in countries throughout the world is largely leftover from laws created during British rule,” says Fergusson. “However, in modern times, the U.K. has made great progress with legalized same-sex marriage, worker protections and criminalization of homophobic violence.”
The United States came in it 24 out of 150 countries, but it still has a long way to go when it … [+] comes to providing a safe atmosphere for LGBTQ travelers.
On the other hand, the United States did not do as well in the survey—coming in 24th out of 150 countries. “One reason for that is that there is a great deal of variation in gay rights depending on the state you’re in,” says Fergusson. “There are also no constitutional or broad protections for LGBTQ+ rights under federal law in the U.S. The U.S. might have come far, but it has a long way to go in terms of LGBTQ+ rights, especially for young transgender people.”
In working on the report, Fergusson says they were surprised that there are still many countries that have the death penalty, lashings or imprisonment for same-sex relationships. “These laws are not widely known amongst Western travelers, and we hope others—no matter their orientation—are shocked as well,” says Fergusson, who was also surprised by the laws and attitudes still present in many popular Caribbean vacation spots such as Jamaica. In addition to the 150 most touristed countries on the LGBTQ+ Danger Index, the report calls out five other Caribbean countries where same-sex relationships are illegal: Antigua and Barbuda, Dominica, Grenada, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines.
“The whole research process was very eye-opening, emotional and frustrating,” says Fergusson. “Our hope is that by making this research widely known we might be able to catalyze change within some of these governments that rely heavily on tourism.”
Read on for the list of the 20 most dangerous places in the LGBTQ+ Danger Index and commentary from Fergusson, the coauthor of the study. Following this is the list of the five safest places for LGBTQ+. You can see the entire ranking of the 150 countries here and also get 37 safety tips.
On a street in Doha, Qatar, which is the second most dangerous country in the world for gay … [+] travelers.
“Located in the heart of Africa, Nigeria ranked as the #1 most dangerous country for members of the LGBTQ+ community. It was ranked so highly largely due to the extreme penalties for simply being gay, which include up to 14 years in prison and the death penalty in states under Sharia law,” says Fergusson. “The mere discussion of LGBT rights is criminalized under the current system. Under Nigeria’s Same-Sex Marriage (Prohibition) Act of 2013, the country has seen an increase in violence and extortion against the LGBTQ+ community.”
“Coming in second on our LGBTQ+ Danger Index is Qatar,” says Fergusson. “This oil-rich Middle Eastern country enforces up to three years in prison, flogging and the death penalty under Sharia law for any acts of homosexuality. Tourism to Qatar is expected to skyrocket for the 2022 World Cup—which is to take place there—and suspending anti-LGBT laws during the tournament has been discussed, though ultimately rejected by the Qatari government.”
“In Yemen, the punishment for being gay for both men and women is prison time and 100 lashes, with death by stoning for married men,” says Fergusson. “This conservative Muslim country means business when it comes to rejecting homosexuality, both in its laws and general public sentiment. Refugee Legal Aid Information highlights Yemen’s hostile attitudes toward their largely underground LGBT community.”
“Saudi Arabia is another of the countries on our list which implements the death penalty for consensual homosexuality under their interpretation of Sharia law,” says Fergusson. “Other punishments include 100 whips or banishment for one year ‘Men behaving as women’ or wearing women’s clothes, and vice versa, is also illegal in Saudi Arabia, making this a particularly unfriendly country for members of the trans community.”
“This East African country is renowned for its remarkable natural attractions, including Mt. Kilimanjaro and the Serengeti National Park, making Tanzania a massive hub for international tourism. Unfortunately, this country was ranked at #5 on our LGBTQ+ Danger Index, which may inspire LGBTQ+ visitors to rethink their travel plans,” says Fergusson. “In Tanzania, any homosexual acts result in 30 years to life in prison, and there has been a recent government crackdown on LGBT activity within the country.”
“Iran made #6 on the index, due in part to its extreme punishments for homosexuality, which include 100 lashes for homosexual intercourse or the death penalty, and 31 lashes for same-sex acts other than intercourse,” says Fergusson. “According to the International Society for Human Rights (ISHR), ‘An open and free life in a same-sex partnership is unthinkable in the Islamic Republic.’ In regards to LGBTQ+ travel to Iran, travelers will want to be cautious and avoid any public displays of affection.”
“An African nation bordering the stunning Red Sea, Sudan is particularly unfriendly to the LGBTQ+ community. The first two accounts of sodomy result in 100 lashes and five years in prison, and the third offense earns either the death penalty or life in prison,” says Fergusson. “Publicly, homosexuality is a taboo topic, so LGBTQ+ travelers choosing to visit Sudan should proceed with caution and remain discreet with regards to their sexuality. It is also recommended to be extremely careful when inviting guests into your hotel room, as this can potentially spark legal complications.”
On the island of Barbados, which is the most dangerous country in the Caribbean for gay travelers.
“This was one of the more shocking countries to appear on our list, and in the top 10, no less,” says Fergusson. “Historically, Barbados and some other Caribbean islands have had poor anti-LGBTQ+ legislation and practices, largely left over from the British occupation which put these laws in place and reinforced anti-gay attitudes. However, recently Barbados, along with with Grenada, Saint Lucia, and some others in the Eastern Caribbean Alliance for Diversity and Equality (ECADE), have announced plans to begin to challenge the anti-LGBTQ+ laws currently in place.”
“This phenomenal Southeast Asian country is full of beautiful beaches, islands and UNESCO World Heritage Sites, making Malaysia a popular destination for international tourism. Unfortunately, imposed punishment for homosexuality is severe and the existence of gay people in Malaysia was denied by their tourism minister as recently as March 2019,” says Fergusson. “Under state interpretation of Sharia law, homosexuality in Malaysia results in up to 20 years in prison, whipping and fines.”
“The punishments for homosexuality in Malawi have earned this African country spot #10 on our list,” says Fergusson. “Same-sex acts result in 14 years in prison for men and five years imprisonment for women, with or without corporal punishment. Pro-LGBTQ+ organizations are also banned by the government in Malawi and general public sentiment regards homosexuality as off-limits. Though these laws are technically in place, they are rarely enforced, particularly with tourists visiting Malawi, and discussions about changing anti-LGBT laws have begun to take place.”
“Home of the magnificent Victoria Falls, renowned as the largest waterfall in the world, and incredible wildlife, Zambia is filled with plenty to explore. That said, the LGBTQ+ community is marginalized in this country and there are heavy consequences for being homosexual, which include seven years to life in prison for any same-sex act,” says Fergusson. “For LGBTQ+ and western travelers in general, it is important to be conscious of local customs and norms, which in Zambia include avoiding any forms of PDA regardless of your orientation.”
“One of the most beautiful islands in the Caribbean, Saint Lucia came in 12th on our LGBTQ+ Danger Index,” says Fergusson. “A popular vacation destination for tourists from around the world, Saint Lucia’s high ranking came as a bit of a surprise to us. Colonial-era anti-LGBTQ+ laws, particularly that concerning consensual ‘buggery,’ which earns 10 years in prison, are still in place though are no longer truly enforced. Saint Lucia’s prime minister has stated that anti-LGBT laws are currently under review, though the government does not have an official stance as of yet.”
“One of Africa’s most populous countries, Uganda ranks #13 on our LGBTQ+ Danger Index,” says Fergusson. “Homosexual intercourse results in life in prison and pro-LGBTQ+ organizations are banned throughout the country. Unfortunately, things may soon be getting even worse for the LGBTQ+ community, as the Ugandan government has recently called to reintroduce an anti-homosexuality bill, which would include the death penalty for same-sex acts, in the midst of the recent murder of a gay Ugandan activist.”
“Same-sex relationships are considered to be taboo in Pakistan and there are strict laws governing against homosexuality. For example, homosexual intercourse can result in up to 10 years in prison with a fine or life in prison,” says Fergusson. “That said, LGBTQ+ issues are not typically at the forefront of Pakistan’s political agenda, BBC News reported that ‘Sex between men will be overlooked as long as no-one feels that tradition or religion are being challenged. At the end of it all, everyone gets married to a member of the opposite sex and nothing is spoken about.’”
“In the Palestinian territories of Gaza and the West Bank, the anti-LGBTQ+ sentiment is taken very seriously, with homosexual acts resulting in up to 10 years in prison,” says Fergusson. “Groups advocating for LGBTQ+ rights are threatened by the governing authorities in Palestine, who consider homosexuality to be ‘a blow to, and violation of, the ideals and values of Palestinian society.’”
A view of Mt. Kilimanjaro in Kenya, which is dangerous for gay travelers.
“Kenya is filled with gorgeous landscapes and unique wildlife, making this East African country a favorite destination for international travelers. Currently, Kenyan law states that same-sex intercourse between males results in 14 years in prison, while all other homosexual acts between males are punished with five years imprisonment,” says Fergusson. “However, the decriminalization of gay sex is being discussed within the government, which would likely bolster LGBTQ+ travel to the country.”
“Renowned as a popular romantic vacation destination for LGBTQ+ travelers, it comes as a significant wake-up call that the Maldives bears such anti-LGBTQ+ laws,” says Fergusson. “In the Maldives, homosexual acts and intercourse, as well as same-sex marriage, earn eight years in prison or 100 lashes. Though these laws are currently enforced in the cities, they are largely ignored at the resorts. For more adventurous travelers, regardless of orientation, be wary of the local customs and avoid any public displays of affection in the Maldivian cities.”
“One of the Caribbean’s most popular vacation destinations for tourists worldwide, Jamaica was another shocking country to top our LGBTQ+ Danger Index,” says Fergusson. “Jamaica ranks as the third-worst Caribbean nation for members of the LGBTQ+ community behind Barbados and Saint Lucia. This is largely due to Jamaica’s ‘buggery law,’ which is leftover from the colonial era and allows for a sentence of up to 10 years in prison, including hard labor. In fact, Jamaica was called ‘the most homophobic place on Earth’ by Time magazine in 2006 and LGBTQ+ people are sadly still the victims of homophobic violence today.”
“Located on the Horn of Africa, Ethiopia is a country rich with lush landscapes and cultural diversity. Ranking 19th on our index, Ethiopia outlaws same-sex relations and ‘indecent,’ or homosexual, acts result in up to 15 years in prison,” says Fergusson. “Recently, there have been death threats by Ethiopia’s Orthodox Christian community over gay tourism to the country, putting LGBTQ+ tourists at risk.”
“Renowned throughout the world for its ancient pyramids and historical and religious significance, Egypt is a massive tourist destination for international travelers everywhere. Unfortunately, Egypt ranked #20 on our list due to its negative laws regarding homosexuality,” says Fergusson. “Same-sex acts result in up to three years in prison with a fine, and possession of homosexual materials results in up to two years in prison with a fine. For LGBTQ+ travelers, it is recommended not to disclose your sexuality and avoid using dating apps since the local police have been known to create fake accounts to ‘catch’ LGBTQ+ travelers looking to engage in illegal activity.”
In Sweden, the safest country in the world for gay travelers.
“Coming in first place as the safest country for the LGBTQ+ travel is Sweden,” says Fergusson. “Scandinavia is generally known for its friendly people and liberal attitudes towards equality for all. Sweden legalized same-sex marriage in 2009 and performed well on each of our measured categories. This land of the Northern Lights has also been a regular host of Europride and has more Pride festivals per-capita than anywhere else in the world.”
“Canada’s friendly attitudes and positive legislation towards the LGBTQ+ community have earned it the title of the second safest country on our LGBTQ+ Danger Index,” says Fergusson. “Renowned for its kind locals, rich maple syrup and chilly winters, Canada has constitutional protections in place to guard the LGBTQ+ community against violence and discrimination, and same-sex marriage is of course legal. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau promoted inclusivity by marching in Toronto’s Pride Parade and became the country’s first Prime Minister to visit a gay bar.”
“Known for its unbelievable landscapes, friendly people and unique culture, it’s no surprise that this Scandinavian country ranks in the top three safest countries for LGBTQ+ travelers,” says Fergusson. “Norway legalized same-sex marriage in 2009 and has protections in place against anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination and violence. Additionally, since 1981, Norway became one of the first countries in the world to grant equal rights to everyone regardless of sexual orientation and is home to a variety of annual LGBTQ-friendly events.”
“One of only three countries to get an ‘A’ on our index, Portugal comes in fourth in regards to LGBTQ+ safety,” says Fergusson. “With legalized same-sex marriage since 2010 and numerous legal protections for the LGBTQ+ community, Portugal scored just behind Norway. Cities like Lisbon and Porto have the best gay scenes in the country and Portugal is hoping to host the 2022 Europride, the world’s biggest event celebrating gay pride in Europe.”
“Coming in at #5, Belgium scored highly in all eight of the researched categories. With an overall national attitude that is relaxed and accepting towards homosexuality, Belgium is known for having a vibrant gay and lesbian scene, particularly in Brussels,” says Fergusson. “One fun fact about Belgium is that same-sex sexual activity first became legal in 1795.”
I’m a travel and lifestyle authority and a content strategist who works with brands to create powerful storytelling. In this column, „Transformative Travel,“ I look at
I’m a travel and lifestyle authority and a content strategist who works with brands to create powerful storytelling. In this column, „Transformative Travel,“ I look at
I’m a travel and lifestyle authority and a content strategist who works with brands to create powerful storytelling. In this column, „Transformative Travel,“ I look at how travel can change women’s lives. I profile the doers and the disrupters and cover the trends and the destinations that appeal to women today. I have been writing about travel since the early days of my career, when I started off as a honeymoon editor, even though — ironically — I was single at the time. Since then, I have written for a number of publications, including Food & Wine, Wallpaper and The New York Times. I have been the editor-in-chief of Yahoo Travel, which was named the top online travel magazine under my leadership. Before that, I was deputy editor of Travel & Leisure. Throughout my career, I have appeared regularly on television, including Good Morning America and NBC Today. Journalism is part of my heritage: My great great grandfather was a Civil War correspondent for the Chicago Tribune. Follow me on Twitter (@laurabegley) and Instagram (@laurabegleybloom).
Recently in Dear Prudence
Daniel Mallory Ortberg: Hi, everyone! Hope you all enjoyed the break—now it’s back to your regularly scheduled Dear Prudence. Let’s chat!
Q. Possibly bisexual: I have always identified as a straight guy, but I am recently panicked and confused by feelings for my best friend (a gay man), “Greg.” We’ve known each other since college and have always been close. I was at his place recently, comforting him over a breakup; we got drunk and slept together. He didn’t take advantage of me. I remember everything. I initiated it, and he asked several times if I was OK with what we were doing. I had to leave early the next morning for a work emergency, so I left him a note (along with a glass of water and some aspirin) explaining why I had to leave. I also texted him the same information, just in case. But he concluded I was angry with him, texted me an upset-sounding apology. He worried that it was his “fault” and that I wouldn’t want to be friends anymore. I tried to reassure him. His response was conciliatory but brief.
I decided to talk to a friend about what had happened. She was excited to hear we had “finally” slept together and started talking about how long Greg had been “in love” with me. She asked if I’d told him I felt the same way. I was stunned. It turns out that she and another mutual friend have known that Greg has had serious feelings for me for years, and that our whole friend group has been waiting for me to “figure out” I’m bisexual because I’m “obviously into Greg.” This is all news to me! I can’t stop thinking about it, and I am putting off replying to a message from Greg asking to meet up because I don’t know what to say.
I barely even know what I’m asking here. Can you come out as bisexual when you’re only really into one guy, and in your late 20s? Have I destroyed my most important friendship by unknowingly messing with Greg’s feelings? Is it worth risking hurting him more by asking if he wants to try a relationship with someone so confused about his sexuality? I am definitely attracted to him, and I honestly don’t think I’ve ever cared about someone as much as I do him. I literally received another message from him asking if we’re OK while writing this question, so please advise in any way you can!
A: I have so much good news for you (You’re doing fine! You do not need to keep apologizing for having sex it sounds like you enjoyed, with a friend you trust and find attractive; your hookup sounded complicated and flustered on a number of fronts but nothing that can’t be ironed out by an in-person conversation), but only one piece of advice: Talk to Greg! Talk to Greg, and only Greg, about this. Not the rest of your friends, not to me, not to trustworthy-looking strangers on the bus who look like they have a lot of wisdom to share. Just Greg.
You are allowed to come out as bisexual in your late 20s. You are allowed to come out as bisexual if you’re only attracted to one of your friends named Greg and haven’t first run a hypothetical attraction test on all the other men in the world. Asking a friend to go out with you is not hurtful. It’s a risk, I suppose, in the sense that asking out anyone is a risk, but it’s not such an inherently risky proposition that you shouldn’t do it. Talk to Greg in person, make it clear that the morning-after work emergency was real and terribly timed and not just an excuse to avoid having a post-sex conversation with him. Tell him that you’re attracted to him, that you care about him, and that you would be interested in going on a date or having sex again or whatever else you’re interested in exploring with him, then ask him how he feels. You don’t need to preface your feelings with speculation about his, like, “I know you probably don’t want to date anyone so soon after your breakup” or “Sarah thinks you’ve been in love with me for years.” He knows that you haven’t dated guys before, so you can let him decide whether that’s a “risk” he cares to run. You don’t have to take yourself out of romantic contention just because he’s the first man you’ve slept with. Good luck having the talk. I hope it goes well, and keep us updated!
Gay for pay isn’t just the stuff of fantasies
We often about straight guys going gay for pay but what does it really mean? Is it the stuff of urban legend or do some heterosexual guys really move out of their comfort zone and let other guys do touch them?
In an attempt to cut through the non-sense and get to the heart of this matter, MV spoke with 10 straight identifying men who at some point have engaged in gay for pay activities.
Let’s quickly define this term for the purpose of clarity.
What is Gay for Pay?
When a man who identifies himself as straight engages in some type of sexual activity with another man, it is commonly referred to as gay for pay.
Such activities can include but are not limited to:
Before we continue, it’s important to state that men who use labels like “straight” as a descriptor do so because that is what they’re comfortable with.
Researchers believe that human sexuality generally runs across a spectrum that is both complicated and diverse. Additionally, many people feel labels tend to box them into certain stereotypes.
We’ve seen this in numerous studies, including recent research involving men living in rural settings that engage in “bud sex”.
Now that we have the definition and qualifiers out of the way, what follows are the responses from 10 straight guys who share why they’ve gone gay for the day – with pay!
On the condition of anonymity, MV has agreed not to reveal their names. Instead, we’ve given them ones to protect their identity.
All of the men you will read about were found on popular websites, such as Reddit and Craig’s List, under listings for men seeking men.
Don’t forget to take our poll at the end. OK, let’s jump right in!
1. Rebelling against gender stereotypes
One argument is that same-sex relationships are aspirational as they don’t abide by traditional gender stereotypes.
“Individuals in same-sex couples generally are more equitable in the ways in which they allocate domestic work, including childcare,” say Francisco Perales and Janeen Baxter from the University of Queensland.
“It’s interesting that a significant number of straight men watch gay porn because it seems so unlikely,” explains Doctor Sam Miles, social science researcher at London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine.
However, he reasoned: “If you think about it, there’s no reason why they wouldn’t. Some gay men watch straight porn, so it should not come as a surprise that the reverse can also be true. It stands to reason that some of these men want a different ‘flavour’ sometimes”.
A wider tide of openness and acceptance, coupled with the #MeToo movement also means “some straight men might find the way that women are treated in straight porn demoralising”, says Doctor Sam Miles.
“Gay porn tends to have a less obvious power imbalance between actors” and offers a fresh perspective.
Doctor Martin J. Downing, a research scientist for Public Health Solutions, also reckons straight-identifying men watch gay porn to switch things up.
“One’s sexual identity does not always reflect his or her sexual attractions and experiences,” he said.
“Some heterosexual-identified men may experience sexual arousal from the homosociality or patterns of male bonding (including BDSM) inherent to gay male pornography”.
“It is important to note that the type of porn you watch doesn’t determine your sexuality,” insisted Ruby Stevenson, education and wellbeing coordinator at Brook.
“There’s such a huge variety of porn available that it’s no wonder consumers are switching up their viewing habits and watching a variety of content”.
According to Ruby, straight men watch gay porn because they are simply being inquisitive. “Watching a variety of porn can be a healthy way for people to explore fantasies without or before they explore something in real life,” notes Ruby.
Alix Fox, sexual health expert for BBC Radio 1 and ambassador for ONE condoms and Brook young people’s sexual health charity, told PinkNews: “I’ve lost count of the number of queries I’ve received from straight-identifying men who’ve been watching gay porn and are confused about the implications that may have regarding their sexuality”.
2. Straight men watch gay porn to see what other male bodies look like
Straight men also find solace in fantasising about being with another man even if they aren’t gay, because of the curiosity derived from the close platonic bonds between men.
Dr Sam Miles told PinkNews: “Gay porn tends be based on a narrative of hypermasculinity – often very ‘manly’, muscular men – and this might appeal to straight men as an intriguing and different kind of sexual relationship to what they normally see in their regular porn.”
Alix Fox agrees. “Gay porn offers a convenient, discreet way to look at what other people are packing,” she explained.
“Plenty of men find it compelling – and perhaps reassuring – to be able privately take their time examining a variety of other dudes’ body types and genitalia too.
“Many folks wonder whether their own dangly ballsack/circumcision scar/twink bod is ‘normal’, but it’s not seen as socially acceptable to closely examine other men’s parts in public situations”.
3. Some straight-identifying men are actually gay or curious
The Office of National Statistics (ONS) said in 2017 that the number of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people in the UK had hit 1 million for the first time. A landmark figure for the community, the high – but not high enough – figure also tells a sadder tale.
Many LGBTQ+ people are closeted and watching gay porn in private. The actual number of gay people in Britain is likely to be 10 percent, says the Kinsey report.
Stonewall asserted: “It is also important to recognise the context of this kind of research… Although people may feel comfortable answering an anonymous survey, they may struggle to open up about their identity with friends, family or colleagues.”
Alix Fox is campaigning for an end to “misleading” and “overly binary” distinctions between heterosexual and homosexual
1. „I let my friend kiss me. He came from a really religious household and was finally realizing that he was gay. He asked if he could kiss me to see if it felt different than kissing a girl. He is my friend and I had kissed people in theater so I kind of figured, eh, why not? After the kiss, which included more tongue than I expected (which was any), he pulled back and said, ‚Thanks!‘ And then immediately, ‚Aw, fuck. I’m definitely gay.'“
3. „One of my best friends is gay. He refers to this as a ’no homo bro cuddle‘: I went to his house and stayed the night and we slept in the same bed. Completely non-sexual, but we did spoon (I was big spoon) for comfort and just to cuddle. Reason being, his dad had recently died and he had been sleeping poorly. Said he just needed someone to cuddle with for comfort so he could get a good night’s sleep. … It was pretty gay to spoon with a gay man in his bed overnight. But I don’t regret it.“
7. „Went with three gay friends to a dive gay bar (with gay porn videos playing on screens, a nude live dancer, that kind of bar). Had a fucking blast. Got drunk, got hit on (flattered!), danced as if I wasn’t straight… fun as shit.“
12. „I was at a gay bar with some gay friends and this young guy wearing a friggin suit walked up and asked me for a dance. I told him I wasn’t gay and he said, ‚I just came out and I want my first dance to be with someone beautiful.‘ I did a slow dance with the dude and went on my way. Dude deserved it for that A+ line.“
13. „Pretended to be my friend’s boyfriend to prevent him from being hit on from this guy he didn’t want to hit on him. We put our arms around each other and I kissed him on the temple… Gay or straight, no means no, and I’ll do this a thousand times more if I have to!“
15. „Made out with a close friend when he came out to me as gay. He wasn’t really sure how I would respond when he told me he thought I was attractive, I didn’t know how I was gonna respond either. He decided to just go for it and kiss me. Honestly, best make out session I’ve had. Every girl I’ve made out with lacked the passion he did, I never made out with him again.“
18. „I was at a dorm party and we were all drunk. One of our friends is the annoying loud drunk and happens to be gay. He was complaining how it’s been ages since he kissed a dude. Bro, I just wanted a chill mood so I could eat my pizza rolls and he was killing the vibe. So I grabbed his head, made out with him hardcore for a bit… He just laughed and said ‚wow‘ every now and again. Fit the vibe I was going for way better, so no regrets.“
And this week on Reddit, a thread by user The_WereArcticFox asked straight men a VERY eye-opening question: „What is the strangest thing you have been told not to do because ‚that’s gay‘?“
Fellas is it gay to pee? You’re literally holding a dick ?
More from PinkNews
“I sometimes joke that when it comes to sexuality, most of us sit somewhere on the perineum… the delightfully fuzzy space between two more distinct places!
“Some men might legitimately fall into such camps as ‘Straight, but also gets off on watching two bears barebacking’, or ‘Inclined towards making love with ladies, but perhaps wouldn’t say no to a BJ from a bloke.’
“For a proportion, yes: watching gay porn could indicate a repressed or hitherto unexplored part of their sexual identity”.
“But you know what would be good for those circumstances? Continued work to remove the unwarranted shame and stigma that sadly still surrounds gay, bisexual, curious and queer identities and interests.
“Whatever a straight-identifying man feels when he watches gay material, he should not feel ashamed.”
What does gay chastity mean, and what’s the difference between a chastity belt and chastity cage?
How to Get Advice From Prudie:
Q. Realistic presents: My brother is dating a woman with three kids. He has never had much luck with women. He tells us that he loves her and she is the “one.” There are plans for all of them to join our family for Christmas. They are flying. My mom texted the girlfriend and asked her for a wish list for her kids. The girlfriend texted back: iPads, Xboxes, designer clothing, nothing under $100. My parents aren’t wealthy people, and I am not buying iPads for kids I have never met! My mother was upset, so I called the girlfriend and told her we needed a more realistic gift list. She got snippy and asked if I got my kids expensive gifts. I told her that was none of her business and she needed to deal with her own kids before worrying about mine.
The girlfriend has twisted the situation, accusing my family of looking down on her for being poor. My brother yelled at me for “sticking my nose in”, and I yelled back that our parents survive on Social Security. Why the hell was his girlfriend hitting them up for expensive gifts? He couldn’t answer that. My brother is paying for this trip. I know he doesn’t make that much. My husband and I planned on keeping our more extravagant presents at our home and letting Santa bring the smaller ones to Grandma’s. I don’t know what to do now. The situation is simmering and I don’t want this to turn out to be a horrible holiday.
A: While I agree it’s rude and presumptuous to send over a wildly expensive wish list, I think the problem really started here: “My mother was upset so I called the girlfriend.” Your mother is an adult who can handle her own problems; she should have given herself a little time to get over her initial irritation and said something like: “I’m afraid all of that’s out of our budget. If you know of anything the kids might want that’s less pricey, let us know.” There was no reason for you to get involved, no matter how angry you got on your mother’s behalf.
One of the unpleasant side effects of sticking your oar in unsolicited is that it sometimes means you have to apologize to people you really don’t want to apologize to. But you do have to apologize to your brother’s girlfriend. Tell her you’re sorry for getting in the middle of her conversation with your mother, that you won’t offer unsolicited advice again, and that you’re looking forward to seeing her at Christmas. Give the same apology to your brother, keep it brief, and don’t attempt to relitigate the issue. Bring whatever presents you feel comfortable bringing to your family Christmas gathering and leave the rest at home.
Q. Homeless kittens: This summer, a stray cat had kittens under our deck. We’ve been feeding them but can’t take them in because I have a 16-year-old diabetic cat who requires special (expensive!) food and insulin. At his age, he just wouldn’t be able to handle the energy of these two kittens. We tried adding a second cat a few years ago and it did not work out. I don’t want to take these kittens in and then have to put them back outside again. (One of them already tries to run inside our house whenever he gets a chance.) Should we take them to our local shelter (it isn’t no-kill) and hope for the best, or set up an outside shelter for them when it gets colder? I just don’t know what is best for them.
A: I think the best thing to do right now is to make sure the kittens have been spayed/neutered. If they’re already comfortable being fed and try to run inside your house, I don’t think it will be too difficult to lure them into a carrier and take them to your vet. And if they were born this summer, they’re definitely old enough to be fixed. You can also check to see if there’s an organization like the Feral Cat Spay/Neuter Project anywhere near you that may be able to offer support/resources like Trap, Neuter, Return:
Trap, Neuter, Return (TNR) is a program that allows free roaming cats to live out their lives without adding to the homeless cat population. Cats are humanely trapped, often evaluated to ensure they are healthy enough to live a free-roaming lifestyle, vaccinated, spayed/neutered, ear tipped to identify them as being altered and released back to their familiar environment. Often kittens and tame cats are placed with rescue organizations for adoption into homes.
You might also ask family and friends if any of them are interested in adopting a kitten. Sometimes people are more interested in young kittens than they would be in fully grown feral cats. If there are no leads there, and no other local organizations are willing to help, then it’s time to contact the shelter. Just because it doesn’t have a no-kill policy doesn’t mean it’s an automatic death sentence; it’s fair to assume that unless you have evidence to the contrary, everyone working there is attempting to do as much good as they possibly can for the maximum number of animals.
Q. Idealistic yet unorganized: I signed up in early November with a local nonprofit to be a secret Santa for children in my area. The due date to have presents wrapped and shipped to their school is in a few days, and the nonprofit still hasn’t mailed the students’ letters! A friend who signed up with me hasn’t received her letters either. The good news is we both ended up bypassing the organization and calling the schools directly to ask what age the children are and which presents they are most looking forward to. We wrapped everything and got it all shipped out in time.
Now quite a few of my other friends are asking which organization I went through because they would like to participate next year. This organization was so unorganized that I honestly couldn’t recommend using it, but I think not recommending this organization would only hurt the children. What should I tell my friends?
A: There are so many Christmas-themed charities that I don’t think you need to make it your responsibility to prop up the reputation of a disorganized one. Find one that’s well-organized and encourage your friends to seek out a charity that can live up to its promise. Plus, there are a lot of ways to help children year-round, like paying off school lunch debts, donating money to your local food pantry, or volunteering at an after-school program. Don’t waste your time trying to fix a flailing organization when there are so many other viable opportunities.
Q. Husband wants books for Christmas. He never reads them: Year after year, my husband asks for books for Christmas. I believe he asks with the sincere intention to start reading more. But in all our years together, he has not once cracked open a book I’ve gifted to him. It shouldn’t bother me—he seems genuinely happy when he unwraps the book. But then the book is quickly forgotten. Our shelves are crowded with titles that are never read, gathering dust. We live in a small apartment, and at this rate, we’ll have to donate them for the sake of space. The idea of boxing up years of gifts to him for Goodwill is depressing. It’d be one thing if they were enjoyed, but again, he never reads them! He wants books again this I go rogue and get something he might actually use?
A: I’m tempted to instruct you to wrap up a book you bought him four or five years ago and present it to him as if it’s brand-new. I suppose you could also go the e-reader route and start getting him books he’ll never read to store on a tablet—at least that way you won’t be sacrificing shelf space in your apartment. Or you could donate to your local library in his name. Lots of libraries (the San Francisco Public Library, for example) accept cash donations, and it’d likely still make him feel like a good literary citizen, in the same way promising himself that he’s actually going to read his new books this year does.
Q. Should we break up? I’ve been dating “Sam” for about 10 months. It’s my longest relationship and his longest relationship even though I’m 27 and he’s 33. When we first started dating, we used to see each other about twice a week. We both have busy jobs but made time for each other. He’s never been a very good texter, but in the past few months now I see him about once or twice a month. His job got crazy busy after he got promoted. Seven people have quit his company in the past couple months because it made them work late and on weekends. On the one hand, I understand that Sam is overworked, and he’s also introverted, so he likes to have time alone on weekends. But going from seeing him frequently to hardly ever, compounded by our lack of text communication, is making me consider ending the relationship. Last Friday I asked if he wanted to go out with me and my friends and he said he just wanted to stay in. Then I asked what his plans for the weekend were and he just didn’t respond. Last month I asked him if he just isn’t interested anymore, if our relationship has fizzled for him, and he said that’s not it at all—it’s just how overworked he is. I really like him and we are great when we’re together. Should I just enjoy the time we’re together?
A: I hesitate to sound glib here, but … how can you enjoy the time you’re together if you two don’t actually spend time together? You’ve seen him roughly once a month for the past three months, he’s stopped responding to your texts, and he’s demonstrated no interest in talking to you about when his schedule might potentially open up or how the two of you can stay in touch in the meantime. He has effectively broken up with you already. You can either acknowledge this openly so you can mourn your breakup, move on, and look for someone else, or wait for him to finally get around to saying the words, “I want to break up.” At the risk of making a sweeping generalization—and acknowledging that there’s probably at least one reader of this column who thinks this setup sounds ideal—anyone who is so overworked and introverted that they only want to see their partner once a month or less often probably doesn’t want or need a partner. You deserve a boyfriend who enjoys seeing you and can consistently balance his work responsibilities against his desire for solitude and a social life. That’s not an unreasonable request to make of a boyfriend. Sam may be great in a number of respects but he’s really not your boyfriend at all anymore.
Q. When to disclose that you’re nonmonogamous: I’m nonmonogamous and have been for a pretty long time. One tricky aspect about it is when to disclose this when it comes to dating. I have a dating profile that states I’m nonmonogamous and only looking for same. Recently I had a couple of dates, and really great flirtation, with a guy who described himself as monogamous but indicated in his compatibility answers that he was open to the idea of nonmonogamy. However, I soon intuited that he hadn’t read the fine print on my profile. Usually guys bring that up when they read it, and he hadn’t mentioned it once.
So, I figured I really needed to let him know about this, especially because he seemed way into me and was talking about future dates together. I brought it up during our second date, when we were having post-dinner drinks at a bar. (For scheduling reasons our two dates were a month apart, but a lot of texting went on in between.) In retrospect, I should have set up a time to seriously discuss this, not spring it on him while we were drinking, but I felt like the longer it went unsaid, the more “betrayed” he might feel about it. And boy, he had a reaction. It went from “this is not a deal-breaker” to “Oh my god, I can’t do this, I don’t understand the rules, I should just go” in what felt like 20 minutes tops, and then he rushed out of the bar.
We cleared the air the next day. He apologized profusely for being a jerk and bailing, but clearly, we’re not going to be dating. Maybe this was always how a guy like him was going to react, but when is the right time to bring it up if you meet someone in real life first? Or if it’s clear someone didn’t read the fine print before he jumped straight to heavy infatuation? He claimed his meltdown was an emotional response to the conflict he was feeling between 1) the expectation that serious relationships need to lead to monogamy and 2) the great time he was having with someone who turned out to be (gasp) nonmonogamous. Was there a better way to have shared this information? A time sooner or later? We were really clicking, so his freakout was a huge surprise.
A: I think you’ve done all that you reasonably can to make sure that you’re upfront about being nonmonogamous, and going into detail about your dating style on a second date because you’ve developed a strong feeling that your date didn’t actually read your profile hardly seems like putting off an important disclosure. Nor do I think you “sprung it on him” at an inappropriate time—it was your second date! You don’t say you two were wasted or anything, so it doesn’t sound like his ability to process new information was impaired. You were just getting a drink or two, a perfectly reasonable second-date activity. It’s unfortunate that he freaked out, especially after you’d really gotten your hopes up, but there’s no amount of planning or preparation that can completely eliminate jarring moments or sudden realizations of incompatibility while dating. Certainly you can take something away from this, and you might decide to start explicitly confirming with future dates that they’re aware of your nonmonogamy before you meet up. But even then there’s always the possibility that some of them will say, “Yeah, I’m totally cool with it” when they are not, in fact, totally cool with it.
Q. My father’s memories: My mom died a year ago. Naturally, my dad talks about her a lot. Some of this is sweet, like memories from vacations. Some of it is just inappropriate: I 100 percent did not want to hear about my father’s first seduction of my mother. And some of it is bitter as hell. Over four decades of marriage, there are ups and downs, and my mom got much-needed therapy that started when I was a teenager and should have started when she was that age, so there were frankly plenty of bad times she caused with my generally good-natured, sweet father.
But I need a script to get him to stop. I don’t mind the sweet memories. Hell, I’ll even let go of the less-appropriate memories since at least they’re positive ones. But I need the bitter ones to stop. For all the problems I had with my mom before the therapy made progress, we had a happy, healthy relationship as adults and I loved her and miss her like crazy. He doesn’t have anyone else to talk to, but I’m still not the one who should be hearing this.
A: “Dad, I know that you need to be able to talk about Mom. I also know that your relationship was really difficult sometimes. But I’m your kid, and I cannot be the person you come to about your sex life or marital problems with Mom before she died. I hope you can find a friend or a therapist, or both, to talk to about this, but it can’t be me anymore.”
Then if he does it again, all you have to say is, “Dad, we’ve talked about this, and I can’t have this conversation with you.” Then leave the room/hang up the phone/etc. This is a totally reasonable request to make of him, even while he’s grieving, so please don’t feel like you’re being unduly harsh on a widower or anything along those lines. There’s a whole world of people who are not his kids to whom he can talk about this!