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86-Year-Old Gay Man Proves You’re Never Too Old To Attend Your First Pride

For Martin, learning to live as his authentic self didn’t have an age limit. 

An 86-year-old photographer, he opens up about his decision to come out as gay as part of 5 Gum’s “No Regrets” online short film series. He said concealing his true identity for 85 years left him riddled with insecurities and self-doubt. 

“It’s tough to be an outsider,” he explains in the clip, which can be viewed above. “I regret being such a sissy, so nervous, so bloody shy.” 

Later in the clip, Martin beams as he watches video footage of young LGBTQ people saying how his personal journey affected them, then he steps out into a crowd of dancers at his very first LGBTQ pride parade. 

A post shared by 5 Gum (@5gum) on May 16, 2018 at 9:52am PDT

“Regret is a powerful, universal emotion, and 5 Gum believes that you regret the things you don’t do in life more than the things you do,” 5 Gum’s brand manager Ashley Findlay told HuffPost. “When we heard Martin’s story, we knew we had to help him share it with the world to encourage younger generations to live life to the fullest.” 

Martin is one of five seniors profiled in the “No Regrets” series, which debuted online last week. Also featured is Stanford, a black man who cast aside his passion for swimming at a largely white high school in 1960s Chicago, and Lin, a Chinese opera singer who was so dedicated to her craft, she never had the time to travel and leave her homeland. 

86-Year-Old Gay Man Proves You're Never Too Old To Attend Your First Pride

An Artist Photographs His Trysts With Older Men

Like many gay men searching for intimacy in the modern day, the photographer Matthew Morrocco has found his share of it online. But the glossy Adonis of the Instagram era is not his type. He prefers older fellows, some of them more than twice his age. When he was twenty, he began courting such strangers on the Internet. With their consent, he photographed the ensuing trysts. The year was 2010, and his ambition, he writes in the afterword to “Complicit,” a new collection of portraits, from Matte Editions, was to preserve the queer history that an era of marriage equality, in all its progressive promise, is making increasingly remote. Many of his companions had survived both the AIDS crisis and heights of homophobia unknown to younger generations. Their very company, he writes, was an instruction in the art of persistence.

“Complicit” presents an ethnography of men who have matured past their physical prime, perhaps, but not beyond erotic interest. Morrocco’s models sometimes appear as bashful fragments, their limp forms sunk in a sofa or snarled around a tree. More often they flaunt their undress: one strikes a come-hither pose, and another snubs the camera, as though to test its dedication. The photographer himself emerges as a spectral presence in the series, invading the frame, on occasion, to heed his subjects’ desires. He fondles the jaw of one, paws the buttocks of another. In the collection, he writes of learning from these men how to seduce, to age gracefully, to seize the past: “The education I received outweighed anything I had experienced before.”

In our current moment, which is newly vigilant against imbalances of power, Morrocco’s celebration of sex between young and old men risks inducing discomfort. But “Complicit” presents the photographer and his models in tender symbioses. In the spirit of his collection’s title, Morrocco bares as much skin as his subjects do, as if to mimic their vulnerability. In interviews, he has said that he took visual cues from the amorous languor of nineteenth-century French portraiture, but many of his images recall the complex perspective of Diego Velázquez’s “Las Meninas,” a work from an earlier era. As in the famed Spanish painting, a carefully placed mirror often unsteadies the vantage of Morrocco’s images. His camera work casts the viewer, by turn, as a participant and an interloper.

Take, for instance, a scene of the photographer lounging on a couch with a bearded man named Rod. The image includes two nested reflections. The first is from a large wall mirror that overwhelms the center of the shot, its gilt frame resting askew on the hardwood, concealing Rod’s body and Morrocco’s legs behind it. Within this reflection there appears a second, smaller mirror, located somewhere in the vicinity of the viewer, and containing the cloudy reflection of what at first appears to be a third man. Someone enticed by the intimacy of the series might find himself startled—is that me?—only to realize that it is Morrocco’s face, mysteriously displaced to shield the image of his muse.

An Artist Photographs His Trysts With Older Men

I’m An Older Gay Man And I Know It Will Get Worse

I would have started writing this piece earlier, but the tendonitis in my right foot sent me to the doctor scrambling for relief. Last Christmas a trainer at my gym (whose father is younger than I am) asked what my goals were and I said “to lose five pounds by my birthday, in April.” I achieved the goal in part because I destroyed my shoulder right after our session and couldn’t work out — much of the weight was muscle mass. I can’t jog or jump rope or do planks without a team of advisers on the scene.

My body, that instrument that, once upon a time, introduced itself before I did, is falling apart. Slowly, yes, but it’s happening. It’s a thing, decay. Happens to anyone whose name is not Cher.

I’ve heard a lot lately from men older than my 53 years, gently chiding me for writing about a sexy life in the sixth decade. Most of the comments have had the tone of “Just wait,” and, while I’ve not addressed them individually, I hear the words. Now that the universe has decided gay men are going to grow old — T-cells be damned — we’re facing a whole new set of obstacles.

If you are gay, single, and childless, as I am, the future is as unpredictable today as the present was a couple of decades ago. Most 50-something gay men I know are married, and a huge percentage have children. I don’t know if they are all in love, or if it even matters, but I envy the security they have in one another and their family.

I don’t want to make the assumption that all gay, committed men are happy and carefree about their future. If I don’t specifically address them in this piece it’s because they’ve been mostly silent in regards to my work.

Unlike our predecessors, if you are gay and not married or partnered at this age, you face much of the same criticisms that single straight people do—what’s wrong with you; why haven’t you settled down; why are you so picky? Or, the alternative: You must not want a partner, children, a house. You’re happy in your life of solitude, so I’ll just ignore you and not invite you to that dinner party because it’s, you know, for couples.

For the record, because it’s come up so often, I would love to be married. I’ve come close a few times but it was never the right fit. I don’t want to “settle”—I’m too much of a romantic. I’d like to fall madly in love and take it from there. Pesky fate has thrown other plans in front of me. It’s a lonely feeling and I’m often envious when I read of my married friends’ placement and predicament.

It breaks my heart when I read about a gay man over 60 talk about his loneliness, his lack of family, his lack of friends because of AIDS, his “invisibility.” Many of them were deserted by their nuclear family decades ago, and there was no lifeline to grab onto. I realize that I could be headed in the same direction, though I take comfort in the fact that I have siblings and in-laws and an extended family. For now I am good. I’m not immune to the temporal thrill of “fabulous at 50,” labels, or any of the other saccharine titles publications use to make our lives appear forever glamorous. We’re all scared. We’re all doomed.

About 10 years ago I told a 70-year-old straight woman that I was worried about growing old alone. She told me that, after two divorces and several bad relationships, she was thrilled to be single and I should be to. She was effing Mary Tyler Moore again! The next time I spoke to her, she had a new boyfriend. They remained together until her death 10 years later, and were the darlings of her assisted-living home. It’s addictive, this need to couple.

Not a week goes by where one of my gay, single peers doesn’t tell me of aging fears — “it ain’t for sissies,” ironically, is a perfect expression for the process. Most of us have witnessed, or are witnessing, the natural progression of parents, and know our number will soon be called. “Invisibility” is the most common phrase I hear, as well as scenarios in which they’re living with cats or their one, other single friend.

There’s also a terrible fear, at least in New York, that because beautiful bodies and youth have defined them for so long, without that armor they’ll further be alone. It’s as if this city, once so welcoming, stopped taking their phone calls and their texts and blocked them from Facebook, “life” edition. And every time a friend finds a partner the tug-o-war game gets another teammate for the other side. There’s so much grasping for rope.

Many years ago a man in his ’70s offered me a 100 bucks for simple sex, and I said sure. It seemed like a quick way to pay a bill and I’m not a prude about such things. I don’t remember much about him except that he seemed very lonely and reasonably well-off in his retirement — he had lots of tales of over-65 vacations and loved scuba diving.

I took him to my apartment and agreed to his one non-debatable request that I kiss him. I think he wanted that more than any other physical contact. Afterward, I got dressed and made light of things and watched him sit up, motionless. He hadn’t taken off one article of clothing. He looked at me, arms folded, told me I had a beautiful smile, and said, in a whisper, “I hate being old.” Then he walked out of my door and I never saw him again.

I don’t know if what I did was smart, or if it would hurt or help him. Perhaps it was something he did on a regular basis and it gave him a sense of freedom. Perhaps he forgot about it as soon as I did. Perhaps it spiraled him into deeper loneliness. I don’t have an answer. I do know that that someday I might find out for myself.

I’m An Older Gay Man And I Know It Will Get Worse

How to Pick Up Gay Men

This article was co-authored by Imad Jbara. Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. ‚NYC Wingwoman‘ offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth. There are 22 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been viewed 1,267,323 times.

Meeting gay guys is hard. First you have to determine if the guy you’re interested in is gay or straight. Then you have to approach him and strike up a conversation. And that’s assuming you have the confidence to walk up to an attractive stranger. Take some time to build up your confidence, and before you know it walking up to that cute guy at the bar won’t be a problem.

How to Pick Up Gay Men

What I Learned From Dating Older Gay Men

The director of Call Your Father says his attraction to older guys exposed a rarely discussed universal truth about gay men.

I never would have gotten to follow Laura Dern around a garden tour of Los Angeles’s Venice neighborhood if I hadn’t dated older men. So for that, I am thankful.

I didn’t say “hi” to her, but now I think I would have. I was 21 and vaguely dating a 50-year-old guy I had met through friends. We hooked up for the first time at a huge house party I had that was filled with other early- to mid-20s people. I lived in a cement basement that, for some reason, I had painted yellow. It truly was a bad-looking room, but we were both drunk, and I was too confident to know how insecure I was. So I was really charming that night.

He was into it. I’m not sure if I was into it. But he was handsome, and I knew from friends he was successful — at the time, anything above a yellow basement seemed really appealing. So we hooked up. It was drunk and fun. And someone walked in on us. I wondered how that must have felt to him. It seems so college to have someone walk in while you are hooking up during a party.

When I finally saw his house and his life, I could understand how getting caught sucking dick at a party with mostly Tecate being served would be appealing, or at least a change of pace. His life was set the fuck up. His ceilings must have been 30 feet high, and his parties had bartenders. When he invited me over the day of the garden tour, I think I not so subtly asked him what his parents did, because I couldn’t believe someone could have this home without family money. I still don’t understand how people make that kind of money — but at 21, I really didn’t.

That day was very nice. He indulged me by following Laura Dern around instead of looking at the gardens, which was definitely not the first time she had been stalked by gay men at a garden party. Afterward, we had wine with some of his straight friends. They were cozy and nice to me, but there was obviously an air of “Why did my 50-year-old friend invite a 21-year-old to my home and expect me to treat him like a person?”

By the end of the day I had done something uncharacteristic for me at that time: I asked him about his life instead of talking about mine. What were the hardest years? When did he get real? When did he make money? Twenty years after becoming successful, what did it feel like now? I gathered my information, came, and then went home to my basement. We maybe hung out romantically once more after that, but then it faded in a natural way. I still see him around sometimes, and he’s lovely. This kind of thing happened a couple dozen more times in my early 20s.

When I started writing my short film Call Your Father, I wanted to not just write commentary on gay men, but I also wanted to figure out why I was consistently drawn to guys around that age. A huge theme in all my work is confidence. I think it’s something gay men don’t talk about enough. From the moment you realize as a gay man who you are, whether it’s a challenging process or not, you know (maybe subconsciously) that a lot of the world hates you. Some want you dead.

I wasn’t bullied that badly, and my parents were cool, but deep down I knew I was hated. I knew it was harder for me to get what I wanted, and a lot of that was self-inflicted. I didn’t think I deserved what I knew I wanted.

What I was doing in my early 20s, by dating older men, was showing myself that maybe there was hope. That someday I could make some money and be successful and create a life for myself, just like these older men. I didn’t really believe it, but being around it made me think that I’d be more likely to get it.

It didn’t help, I don’t think. I’m glad I did it, and I met some great men, but it didn’t really help me believe in myself. It wasn’t reassurance I needed. It was a genuine sense of confidence from the inside. And developing that is a slow process that I’m still working on. Most gay men never reach the end of this process, and many never start.

Both characters in Call Your Father struggle deeply with confidence — a struggle on one side manifesting itself in real mental health issues and on the other manifesting in a lack of connection to the world and himself.

The gay confidence issue is both sad and interesting to me. I think it’s what makes gay men so beautiful but also troubling. I guess if we were completely self-assured, we would just be straight men who had sex with men. A wavering confidence is part of our culture, and of course, I’d like to keep working on mine. But maybe there is a stopping point. I never want to be so confident that I am making Planet of the Apes movies. Unless they are starring Laura Dern. I think I could do well with that.

JORDAN FIRSTMAN is the director of Call Your Father, a short film about an intergenerational gay date. He is also a staff writer on TBS’s Search Party. Watch the short below.

My life in sex: ‘Many men visit gay saunas. Very few will tell you that they do’

Though I have always enjoyed nudity, I used to think of my body as unattractive. I’m now 64, and encounters in the sauna have taught me that not everyone else finds it so, which has enhanced my confidence. For years I disliked my given name. I have made a point of telling it to those I have met in the sauna; hearing it repeated with tenderness and passion has taught me to love it.

When clothes are off, intentions clear and vulnerability shared, men talk honestly to men they may know only then and may never meet again. I have had deep conversations with people whose experience of life has been quite unlike my own, and we have played together for the mutual affirmation, delight and healing that only such intimacy can bring. My encounters are with men widely different in age, appearance and tastes, and I go on finding out more about my own sexuality with every visit. I tell my partner about my visits, but not in detail – we are in an open relationship and do not live together; he frequents other saunas.

Many men, not all of whom define themselves as gay, use saunas. Very few will tell you that they do so. If you are curious, pay a visit. Moderate use can bring unexpected benefits. It did for me.

Each week, a reader tells us about their sex life. Want to share yours? Email

Daddy issues, money, or perfectly natural?

Thomas Gass, a dentist in California, has survived the curse—twice. The curse? Gass is a gay man whose only sexual attraction is to men significantly older than he is.

Gass lost his first partner, 28 years his senior, through the slowly deteriorating effects of Lou Gehrig’s disease after they had been together for 13 years. After recovering from his grief, he found love again with a man 18 years older but endured another tragic loss when his second partner died of pancreatic cancer after they had spent 17 years together. Still a relatively young man, Gass might wonder whether or not to take a chance on loving an older man again. For him, however, the choice is between an older man or no man at all. Gass and his friends—all of whom had lost older life partners—have labeled their abiding sexual attraction “the curse of being attracted to older men.”

I began to study same-sex relationships with age disparities while conducting research for my book, Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight. Gass and I started to correspond after he and his friends had read and discussed my essay, “Age as a Factor in Sexual Orientation and Attraction.” He wrote that in their discussion, some common themes emerged:

1. The younger men have more interest in sports than their partners and their gay peers who are attracted to men their own age.

2. The younger men tend to be more masculine than their gay peers who are attracted to men their own age.

3. The younger men prefer older men with endomorphic bodies (belly fat, strong bones, and sturdy thighs).

While these observations are purely anecdotal and subjective, the comments resonated with some of my own observations. I would add another:

4. The younger man has a high need to please others.

A young man once said to me, “I like men with rounded corners; they have all their sharp edges worn off.” It struck me as being true, both literally and metaphorically. Another younger man commented, “I like a man with a bit of a belly so I have somewhere to lay my head.” This parallels the same fascination that many heterosexual men have for women’s breasts. The younger men I interviewed seemed drawn to men freed from the tyranny of testosterone, expressing their greater attraction to wisdom, stability, commitment, experience, and maturity.

Gass went on to say that these relationships are often misunderstood, perhaps especially by the LGBTQ community. He wrote, “I struggle more to explain my attraction to older gay men to my gay friends than I do to my straight friends.” It’s difficult to explain when you don’t understand it yourself.

What defines “age disparity in relationships”? An old rule of thumb of unknown origins prescribes, “Never date anyone less than half your age plus seven.” No one has collected reliable statistics, but age disparity seems to occur more frequently in gay relationships than in heterosexual ones.

In 2016, the New York Times published an opinion piece by former Pennsylvania Senator Harris Wofford, who at 90 years old was planning to marry Matthew Charlton, his 40-year-old lover, whom he had been together with for 15 years. Senator Wofford had spent nearly half a century married to his wife, Clare, who died when they were both almost 70. Writing about Matthew, Wofford said, “To some, our bond is entirely natural, to others it comes as a strange surprise,” and this tension is reflected in the comments posted about the essay. The most common sentiment was “OMG,” with a running theme of “There’s no fool like an old fool.”

While a 50-year age difference is an outlier, other well-known May-December couples have captured the public’s attention: the late neurologist and author Oliver Sacks, M.D., and writer Bill Hayes (27-year difference in age), British-American author Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy (30-year difference), and British actor Stephen Fry and Elliot Spencer (30-year difference). Various derogatory labels are used to describe such couples: sugar daddy, gold digger, trophy husband, or boy-toy. But in the case of a celebrity, the tabloid headlines these labels may be used in sensationalistic ways, or even include more virulently homophobic names like pedophile and predatory pervert.

Although atypical, are these relationships abnormal? Senator Wofford wrote that although some people are skeptical about his relationship, “most soon see the strength of our feelings and our devotion to each other.”

For the younger partner, one characteristic of “the curse” is that these relationships often end too soon. In many cases, the relationship involves dedicated caregiving, as so poignantly described in “In Sickness and in Health: A Couple’s Final Journey,” a Pulitzer Prize-winning story about Chris MacLellan’s caring for his partner, Richard Schiffer (26-year difference,) who died slowly of esophageal cancer. Although one comment on Senator Wofford’s essay said about the younger partner, “He opted for custodial work with a senior citizen,” many of these younger men put their own lives on hold to become heavily invested caregivers that heterosexual couples can only envy.

Another part of the curse, though, is the prejudice and misunderstanding that these couples face, often receiving their greatest criticism from members of their own LGBTQ community. (Even the older partner initially may doubt the seriousness of the younger man’s interest.) According to Gass, the most tiresome rationalizationadoption?” Comments about money are often central—for example, a way to inherit untaxed assets or the need for a good prenup for the children’s sake. In fact, however, many of the younger men are more independent and financially secure than their older partners, and they resent the implications that surround their motivations. Another part of the curse is that these relationships are endlessly analyzed for “daddy issues.”

The older man, particularly if he was in a heterosexual marriage previously and came out later in life, is apt to hear, “You must have spent many years cruising and picking up men behind your wife’s back,” or “You couldn’t possibly have loved your wife sexually.” While true for some, it is definitely not true for all. When the older man has children—sometimes older than his partner—many incorrectly doubt that the couple will be accepted by family members, predicting family discord on a staggering level.

Another frequent characteristic of the curse is the belief that the relationship can’t be based on passion, that the only old men who think about sex are “dirty old men.” I was once asked by a young gay man, “Why did you come out at 40? You’re too old for sex.” In fact, most men can remain sexually active well into late life, although men’s sexual functioning changes over time. But these gay couples may be far more sexually active than many same-sex couples.

Some people assume that infidelity is a given because their sexual interests can’t be equal—as if heterosexual couples always have evenly balanced sexual interests. It has been suggested that satisfying sex cannot occur without wet kisses and swelling organs, which reduces gay sexuality to nothing more than sex, and it implies that older men are incapable of having erections. But sex that has both emotional and physical intimacy and when it is expressed in slow time, it may be far more satisfying. No age cutoff exists for exciting, interesting, and satisfying sex.

One recurring question remains: “How can a man have a mutually satisfying sex life with a wife and then have a sudden revelation that he’s gay? Doesn’t this contradict the idea that gay people are ‘born this way’?” It can be confusing, even for those of us who’ve experienced it, but the mind has a powerful capacity not to see what it doesn’t want to or isn’t ready to perceive. I don’t believe we have a choice about our sexual attractions, but gay men and women—just as any heterosexual person—have a choice about how they respond to sexual desire. Behavior and identity are not the same things; they are not consistent from one person to the next or sometimes even within the same individual.

How we express our sexuality depends on many variables, including socialization, culture, religion, geography, and psychological health. Sexuality is likely more fluid than once thought. Saying “I am gay” is a statement that our attractions, our behavior, and our self-identity are in unison, and when that happens—if it ever does—it suggests a willingness to proclaim our sexuality regardless of the consequences. It says, „I belong somewhere, and I am not alone.“

We don’t know much about the origins of sexual attraction, but what we are just beginning to understand is that for some young men, attraction to older men is a constant part of their sexual attraction matrix, and it generally remains fixed no matter their age. 1 What we can be certain of is that to consider money the basis of these relationships or to deny that they might have an erotic dimension degrades the people involved in them. Such beliefs are based on stereotypes. Sexual attraction isn’t rational, and to seek rational explanations for it diminishes the mystery and excitement of loving another.

1. Seto, M, „The Puzzle of Male Chronophilias,“ Archives of Sexual Behavior, Augsust 22, 2016 (copy obtained from author).

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Picking up a gay man can be intimidating, but if you play it cool, act confident, and be yourself, you’ve definitely got this! Approach guys who interest you with a simple “Hello” or a smile to get a conversation started. After you’ve introduced yourself to a guy, make small talk to get to know him a bit. When you’ve met someone you like, be honest and tell him that you’re into him. If you’re unsure whether he likes you, see if he makes eye contact, which is a sign he’s into you. Once you feel confident he likes you, be direct and ask whether he wants to do something together, like dancing in a club or meeting for coffee. Don’t forget to ask for his phone number so you can stay in touch. For tips on how to follow up with a guy after you’ve got his number, read on!Did this summary help you?YesNo

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