I’m not a club-goer and I prefer to do anything else than go to a noisy bar or gay club where you feel like you have to look or act a certain way. I’ve never felt comfortable or like I could be myself which is why I understand you and thousands of other gay men like us don’t like being in „the scene.“
Having full acceptance that you’re not into the gay scene is a huge step to take and I’m here to tell you, welcome to the real party! In my opinion, it’s sooooo much better here.
Now let me give you some practical advice on where you can meet quality gay guys outside the club.
Most of us resort to dating apps like Grindr, Scruff, OkCupid or Manhunt, all with the hopes of connecting with our community or meeting the love of our life. Just like gay clubs, this is a way to meet other gay men — but it’s not the only way.
These apps typically attract guys just looking to hook up. These apps can be a community in their own nature, but they can leave you feeling rejected and lonely — especially when a hookup or encounter doesn’t turn into a meaningful friendship.
You actually don’t have to make friends in the gay community in order to feel fulfilled and satisfied. You don’t have to go to nightclubs or create a dating profile when you’re feeling lonely, bored or horny. You don’t have to put yourself in environments that make you feel uncomfortable. If you do, then you’re doing yourself a disservice and causing harm toward your mental hygiene which is the way you keep your mind and your emotions clean and spiffy.
Just like we need to stay hygienic with our physical bodies by brushing our teeth, taking showers and exercising, it’s equally as important to place ourselves in healthy environments that support our happiness and social well-being.
In order to make friends outside the gay scene, you gotta answer this one question: „What are your values?“
Do you value health? Do you value education? Do you value giving back to communities through volunteerism or entrepreneurship?
When you identify your values, then you can pick and choose communities that align with your values. There are plenty of activities that align with your values in your new city like hiking, yoga, video game clubs, book clubs, art studios, and seminars at local colleges and universities.
Going to these place and events that align with your values has got to be your number one priority because that’s where you’re gonna meet people just like you, regardless of whether or not they’re gay or straight, male or female.
The more often you show up (the keywords here are „show up“), you’ll begin to meet people who align with your values.
As you meet and mingle with these people, I want you to become proactive in doing these 3 three things:
It may feel awkward to introduce yourself to new people, but you just gotta suck it up and realize that some people are gonna become your friends and others aren’t. I always tell my students, some will, some won’t, so what, someone’s waiting. Make sure you remember that.
Swap phone numbers or exchange email addresses. I’m gonna recommend you don’t start with social media here because it’s so easy to get lost in the noise and just become a cog in someone else’s social media wheel of doom.
Every time you meet someone you like, invite them out to coffee or invite them out to a non-work related activity.
Then when you have at least 3-4 new friends that you’ve bonded with, you can invite all of them over to your house to have a dinner party or plan a group outing together.
It’s your responsibility to take the initiative to make new friends and form new social groups, especially when you move to a new city. No one else is gonna do this for you, but now you have the exact steps to take to get a group of guy friends together, and you also know how to meet quality gay guys outside the gay scene.
What are your tips for meeting quality gay guys? Let me know in the comments below.
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I am 22, gay and from Melbourne. I went to a moderately-conservative all boys school and I don’t know any gay people. I also don’t have any good friends anymore, just acquaintances. I mean, there’s people who like me and ask me to hang out, but I don’t feel like I belong. I’m trying to find new friends but that’s besides the point.
The main point is: I want to meet some gay people my age to be mates and maybe more.
. Honestly, I don’t find most guys attractive because I have a pretty defined type. And on top of that, I’m pretty masculine and looking for the same. I could be friends with fem guys, but unlikely for a relationship. And the very rare time I match with a guy who is my type, the conversation fizzles out because I suck at small talk.
. I got hundreds of messages but half were creepy 50/60 year olds. The other half just wanted to have casual sex with anything right that second.
a few times with some girls friends, but it was just lots of old ugly men who wanted me as a sex toy.
Thanks. I know everyone’s dealing with their own stuff so cheers for taking the time to help me.
welcome to the forums. Unless you’re one of those really outgoing people that can talk crap to anyone – it can be hard to meet new people. I don’t know much about the gay scene – I only came out in May last year and am still trying to work out exactly who I am and what I want. I’m just ‚out‘ and happy being me. I’ve checked a few of the apps but agree, it seems everyone is just seeking the „here & now“ – it’d just be nice to hang out rather than have other expectations.
If you are into sport – then google Team Melbourne. It is Melbourne’s Home of LGBTIQ+ sport and rec. It lists a number of different clubs available. The clubs do encompass all ages, not just 18-29, but it’s a start.
You can also check out the MEET UP app. This isn’t a dating app, but rather a place to find people with like minded interests etc, and there are quite a few LGBT groups on there – all stating they are friend/social only – but of course, if things work out….
Good luck, hope you find the group you are looking for, its important to have friends that you can trust, who have your back no matter what, and want nothing in return but for you to have theirs too.
What you’re saying is completely wrong. It’s not judgemental to have a type. You know exactly what straight and gay acting means, it’s just not PC to admit it. I’m attracted to men, so why would I be attracted to a guy acting like a girl. It’s preference. In the same way it’s not racist to prefer pizza over sushi.
Without giving away too much, I am also a gay male from Melbourne and I totally understand where you’re coming from. The gay scene and dating apps can be extremely painful at the best of times. I don’t think it’s about where you start looking to find these types of people you’re searching for but maybe finding inner contentment within yourself to allow yourself to meet people that you are not interested in. You mention that some of the gay guys at clubs/bars, were old and ugly. Well that doesn’t mean you can’t befriend them. I have a few much older gay friends who are full of wisdom and I quite enjoy their company. However there is no sexual chemistry whatsoever, the friendship is great and i’m content and happy with that.
I think the more we look for a relationship, or envision what our perfect match should be or our social status should be, the more we set ourselves up for failure. Try not to have expectations of people and become open minded and engaged with people that are friendly. Set boundaries so there is no awkward scenarios. And when you’re least expecting it, someone will likely walk into your life and surprise you. In saying this though, I think every gay man experiences what you are going through, so you’re not alone. Try reading ‚The Velvet Rage‘ Written by Alan Down. – Great book! The other members on here have suggested a few other alternative places to meet people that may be more likeminded, you should look into them and see what they have to offer. But yeah, definitely don’t give up, hang in there. Keep doing you and moving forward. Prince charming is waiting for you somewhere 😉
How to Pick Up Gay Men
This article was co-authored by Imad Jbara. Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. ‚NYC Wingwoman‘ offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth. There are 22 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been viewed 1,267,323 times.
Meeting gay guys is hard. First you have to determine if the guy you’re interested in is gay or straight. Then you have to approach him and strike up a conversation. And that’s assuming you have the confidence to walk up to an attractive stranger. Take some time to build up your confidence, and before you know it walking up to that cute guy at the bar won’t be a problem.
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Meet The Guys Exposing Other Gay Men Partying During The Pandemic
Gay men are using Instagram to name and shame those attending big parties during the pandemic. We spoke to those behind the accounts — and those who’ve been targeted.
Men gather at Rio de Janeiro’s Ipanema beach in Brazil on Dec. 31, 2020.
For four days, he eschewed sleep to obsessively scroll through social media and sort through hundreds of tips he’s received as part of his secret mission: use Instagram to name and shame other gay men who are partying during the pandemic.
“No part of it is anger on my end,” said the man behind @TheGayRona, a California tech industry worker, who like others in this story asked not to be identified, fearing he would become a social media target himself. “It’s a sense of acting ethically and having a moral compass. I want accountability.”
@TheGayRona is one of several recent so-called COVID vigilante accounts aimed at self-policing the behavior of the gay community during the coronavirus pandemic. As they social-distance at home, the people behind these anonymous accounts are sharing images to thousands of followers of muscular, mostly white men gathering in Speedos on beaches or dancing shirtless at parties in the US and abroad. The accounts highlight the men’s identities, their usernames, and often their job details, sometimes encouraging users to contact the partygoers’ employers. “Hunker Downers, steer clear,” @TheGayRona wrote in one Instagram post tagging a shirtless influencer. “He has had a recklessly busy few weeks. Was just in Miami last week > Rio > LA the following week.”
“???? ” commented one follower. “He’s like COVID Santa!”
Most of the drama has been cataloged on the Instagram account @GaysOverCovid, which has amassed more than 115,000 followers and spawned several smaller imitators. “A public forum is better because it sparks change, or at least attempts to,” the gay man in his late twenties running the account told reporters Taylor Lorenz and Alex Hawgood. (He did not respond to requests from BuzzFeed News.) In recent weeks, @GaysOverCovid played detective by checking people’s Facebook location and even Venmo history to place them in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, and Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, which over the New Year’s Eve period hosted circuit parties — all-night raves with a reputation for drug use and few sexual boundaries — i.e., the opposite of proper social distancing.
“Part of it is the public persona of what they’re doing. They’re going out on Instagram, posting stories, flaunting them flouting guidelines,” said a mid-thirties healthcare industry worker who is one of the four people behind @BostonGaysOverCovid, which has been exposing the behavior of that city’s gay community. “The brashness by which they push against it, by which they flaunt it, versus folks like us who are just sitting at home.”
But the accounts have caused tension in the gay community. One man offered a $500 reward on a circuit party Facebook group for the identity of whoever’s behind @GaysOverCovid, telling Lorenz and Hawgood the account was “like Salem Witch hunting.” Many who have been shamed by the account are now sharing their theories as to who is behind it. There was briefly even a @GaysOverGaysOverCovid account set up to hit back at “public shaming, cyberbullying, and stigma.” (That account naturally prompted a @GaysOverGaysOverGaysOverCovid.)
“We know who the guy is,” insisted Jasson Jerez, a Los Angeles–based influencer with 177,000 Instagram followers who has been called out by the account. Jerez, however, provided no evidence for the claim.
“I let people talk on social media. Honestly, I don’t feed into that. Too much negativity in the world. I don’t need it from social media so I’m staying away,” Jerez wrote in a series of Instagram messages that he later deleted. “The news and the world is already enough. Social media should be an escape from reality for us to just be stupid and silly. This isn’t real life. It’s all facade; it’s not our life.”
Vox reporter Alex Abad-Santos has been the most prominent chronicler of the drama on Twitter where he has shared a series of viral updates about what he jokes has been a “Gay Civil War.” Many of the updates are laced with schadenfreude from those staying home. When a party boat carrying some of the men traveling in Puerto Vallarta sank without passengers being injured, video of the incident was viewed 2 million timessubject of memes. When Brazilian police shut down a circuit party, gay men reveled in their counterparts’ wasted money.
Abad-Santos told BuzzFeed News gay men were transfixed by the saga because of the prominent place circuit parties hold in the community — and the horror from some that they might continue in a deadly pandemic.
“The ‘civil war’ stuff is mostly making fun of the way this messiness is being framed,” he said. “I mean, I think there’s definitely other issues that this fight is touching on when it comes to the way gay men look at ourselves, what we value, and how we look at other gay men.”
“It’s kinda not a surprise that one of the common responses from partygoers is that ‘they’re jealous of us,’” he said.
Zack Ford, the press secretary for the Alliance for Justice and a former LGBTQ editor for Think Progress whose own take on the parties went viral, told BuzzFeed News the debate touches on issues of male body image and social media that can cause depression in the gay community.
“In a way these influencers, these people whose bodies are in the foreground, they’re kind of like our royalty,” he said. “But when your royalty, the people who exhibit the glamour and the prestige of your community betray you and betray the respect you give them, it can be really disconcerting.”
“It’s really not about circuit parties,” he added. “It’s about a universal experience we’ve all had: weighing the sacrifices we’re all making and trying to process the people who aren’t making those sacrifices.”
There are real-world concerns, too. Palm Springs Mayor Christy Holstege told BuzzFeed News dozens of residents of her California city, long a haven and travel destination for the LGBTQ community, had contacted her office concerned by what they’ve seen posted by @GaysOverCovidPage. “Palm Springs residents are extremely at risk. We have people who lived through the height of the HIV pandemic,” she said. “People are really afraid of others coming back with the virus after partying, and it doesn’t reflect well on the values of Palm Springs.”
The tech industry worker behind @TheGayRona said his account has been particularly focused on exposing medical practitioners who have been preaching safe COVID-19 practices or uploading photos of themselves receiving a coronavirus vaccine, only to then share party pics. (The CDC says vaccinated people should still wear masks and social-distance.) He said he’s concerned they will return to their clinics and hospitals without a proper quarantine period and potentially endanger their patients.
“I get it — they’re frustrated. They’re overworked. It’s been a difficult year for them. I empathize,” he said. “But I think there needs to be ethical behavior from this group.”
Jerez, the Los Angeles influencer, said he’s a medical worker in a clinic and wanted to vacation and party because the pandemic had been so stressful. “Honestly, I don’t mind [being featured by the account]. I know we aren’t doing things we are supposed to do … [But] it’s been almost a year of going insane with the pandemic, and clearly it’s not controllable in my clinic with staff and patients,” he said. “I’m going insane, and if I didn’t get away for some sort of break, I swear I would probably have punched somebody in the face and gotten fired.”
As for why these men would go on vacation and flaunt themselves defying coronavirus safety measures, @TheGayRona believes some users simply can’t help themselves. “There’s so much currency in posting nowadays, it’s inevitable,” he said. “I feel like people are addicted to getting that validation.”
But that status and prominence make it more important to scrutinize those who have influence via their large following, argued Ford, the former LGBTQ editor.
“Certainly when the target group is a group that relies on popularity — that is what fuels influencers and people who capitalize on their bodies and their appearance — we have a duty to hold them accountable and hold them to a higher standard,” he said. “Just because you’re hot, doesn’t give you permission to be an asshole.”
Mike Schultz, a 43-year-old San Francisco nurse who contracted the COVID-19 at a circuit party in Miami in March, knows firsthand what that extra level of scrutiny can bring. At least 38 people became ill after attending the party, with three men dyinginterviewed Schultz in May after he spent six weeks intubated in a Boston hospital and had shared a shocking before-and-after photo of how his muscular frame had shriveled. “I wanted to show it can happen to anyone,” he said at the time. “It doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, have preexisting conditions or not. It can affect you.“
But in December, screenshots began circulating from Schultz’s social media accounts in which he said he was excited to go to Puerto Vallarta. He also applauded another post by a man who complained of “fucking bitter queens” and who described COVID-19 as “survival of the fittest.”
Schultz was blasted for his behavior, especially since had received more than $20,000 via a GoFundMe established to cover his medical expenses. But Schultz, who declined to be interviewed over the phone, told BuzzFeed News in a series of text messages he did not ultimately visit Mexico and that the GoFundMe had been established by a friend while he was in a coma. “I never once asked for a penny,” he wrote.
Mike Schultz in the before-and-after photo he posted to Instagram in May after being intubated with COVID-19.
Schultz also said he had been targeted by online “monsters” who had called his employer and tried to get him fired. He said he wanted to take legal action against @GaysOverCovid and other sites “posting false defamatory information,” but later said he could not afford a lawyer.
“These monsters believe what they want to believe no matter what I say. I didn’t go to PV and it honestly is no one’s business,” he wrote. “I’m sick of getting death threats and hate mail from these people that think they’re doing good.”
He denied ever endangering his patients or coworkers as a result of his social activities during the pandemic. But asked if he could understand why people were angry when they assumed he would be traveling, Schultz wrote, “I can tell you that I do understand why they’re upset.”
Leo Herrera, an activist, writer, and artist based in San Francisco and New Orleans, said he’s been troubled by the images of people partying in his native Mexico, where hospitals are overwhelmed with COVID-19 patients.
But Herrera, who has produced a multimedia project on the AIDS crisis, said he’s been most upset by members of his community seemingly forgetting their own history. “A lot of this younger generation don’t understand what it was like to live through HIV before PREP. They don’t see what a lot of our own went through,” he said. “This is about a group of people and a culture that has already lived through a pandemic, so in very real, tangible ways we should know better.”
Not everyone agrees with the AIDS comparisons, though. Abad-Santos, the Vox writer, said public health experts he has spoken with feel the diseases are too dissimilar. It’s also an incredibly delicate issue. The @BostonGaysOverCovid account was suspended Tuesday night after one of the administrators posted a story alleging a man had been lying about his HIV status to sexual partners.
“We (minus that person) are trying to see if we can get it up and running again without them obviously,” one of the men running it told BuzzFeed News. “Shaming people about HIV is one step too far.”
Detractors of the COVID vigilante accounts contend they’re also unfairly magnifying the behavior of the LGBTQ community in a manner that is not applied to straight people. But Abad-Santos said there are plenty of critical videos of straight people ignoring health guidelines at political rallies or churches. “I feel like circuit parties are, by their nature, ridiculous,” he said, “and so there’s an edge of that when you compare, like, a bunch of shirtless sweaty men rubbing pecs to devout churchgoers.”
But whether it be men partying on Fire Island for the 4th of Julyon a private island with friends, the gay community has been policing their own throughout the pandemic. “I do think we hold our community to a higher standard,” said @TheGayRona. “We’re a tight-knit community.”
Herrera added that the vigilante accounts are also a reflection of the government’s failed response to the pandemic, forcing the gay community to police their own, “which is a really dangerous and ethically vague position, but it’s the only one we have.”
“I think we have sort of developed this knee-jerk reaction that all shaming is bad. A lot of people confuse public accountability with shaming,” he added. “We have to remind our people that you need to read the room.” ●
How to Find a Boyfriend (Teen Guys)
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Do you want to find a boyfriend and you’re a gay teen? Depending on where you are in the world, it can be very difficult to develop something serious. Stay strong and know that most teens have trouble dating and you are no exception.
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Gay dating is often thought to not be serious and imply no long-going intentions whatsoever. While for some men it can be true, for others such perspective only complicates the process of finding a partner which is not easy at all anyway. Gay dating sites and apps offer a chance to meet other gay guys, but will such relationship last? Not necessarily.
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Gay dating is often thought to not be serious and imply no long-going intentions whatsoever. While for some men it can be true, for others such perspective only complicates the process of finding a partner which is not easy at all anyway. Gay dating sites and apps offer a chance to meet other gay guys, but will such relationship last? Not necessarily.
You might think that being gay you are doomed to either be a struggling lonely soul or a great flirt. We are absolutely sure: there is plenty fish in the sea for gay singles. Here at our aim is to help everyone in need of a soulmate and we believe that your chances multiply if you join or website!
These Steamy Photos Prove Your “No Asians” Rule Is Racist Bullsh*t
As a teenager growing up in a traditional Asian family who didn’t yet understand my homosexuality, I constantly found myself searching for gay Asian male figures to look up to. I wanted a glimpse of the life I could have — someone who looked like me and could understand my struggle. But all I saw plastered in magazines and on TV screens was the supposed prime specimen that I just couldn’t relate to: the chiseled, white, square-jawed pin-up. I wondered if that’s who I needed to be, or at least be with. It was what gay society told me was the pinnacle of male beauty.
For a long time, I thought that coming out would open doors to a place where I could be open about my identity without judgement. As gay men, we all go through an emotional journey to discover a sense of self; to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to come out and let our lives fall into place. And while I found acceptance in innumerable ways through friends, coming out also meant entering a world brimming with a distinct, ubiquitous form of discrimination — where racism runs rampant and everyone is boxed into manufactured stereotypes.
I learned quickly that some of the most blatant racism in the gay community is pointed at Asian men. “Not into Asians” or “no Asians please” can be found in personal ads (in the pre-internet days) or dating app profiles today. It’s a mystery to me how such a blanket statement can be used, but it’s become pervasive to the point of acceptance. If anyone does show interest in an Asian man, they may be pursuing a submissive Asian stereotype. Other gay men want to dominate and discard us. We’re seen as objects that can be fetishized and collected.
In my 25 years of being out, going to bars and talking to people who found no issue in telling me to my face that they don’t date Asians felt like the norm. When I moved to New York in the late ‘90s I went with my Asian friends to The Web, a gay Asian bar that seemed like an oasis where like-minded people could meet, congregate, dance, and share experiences. Little did I know that it was a place of division — a place where Asians competed with each other for the attention of non-Asian men at the club. Nearly every gay Asian friend of mine has experienced some sort of racism within the gay community, and I can’t even fathom how many around the world have felt it too.
For some time, I’ve wanted to create a statement that shows the broad spectrum of Asian men I have met and known in New York — perhaps to respond to the many false, internalized stereotypes that still haunt us today. I wanted to help show an array of modern gay Asian men, an underrepresented group in the media, the way we exist today.
The men in this portfolio come from a diverse set of backgrounds: Chinese, Vietnamese, Thai, Singaporean, Japanese, Filipino, Korean, multiracial. They are not models; they are designers, chefs, drag queens, architects, filmmakers, and teachers. They are powerful, intelligent, sexual, and provocative. They are nuanced and do not fit into boxes like submissive and dominant — they express desire in ways distinctive to them. They shatter the idea that Asian male sexuality is taboo.
Photographer 223, who traveled from Beijing to collaborate on this project, captures bold, masculine, feminine, sexy, gorgeous men who represent the strength of Asian men, but are only a fraction of our huge population in the gay community. 223 was integral in bringing this series to life because his work celebrates male sensuality and beauty in the most authentic way possible. This portfolio was also made with the help of an entirely Asian crew: photographer, stylist, hair stylist, makeup, videographer. All of the clothing you see was created by a designer of Asian descent.
For every Asian man like me, there’s a kid somewhere trying to figure out how to come out; who doesn’t know what it feels like on the other side. We can’t fight for LGBTQ+ equality without fighting against racism, and we need to start within our own communities. You’re looking at the modern gay Asian male, who doesn’t need to live up to Western beauty standards and stereotypes.
them, a next-generation community platform, chronicles and celebrates the stories, people and voices that are emerging and inspiring all of us, ranging in topics from pop culture and style to politics and news, all through the lens of today’s LGBTQ community.
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About This Article
Picking up a gay man can be intimidating, but if you play it cool, act confident, and be yourself, you’ve definitely got this! Approach guys who interest you with a simple “Hello” or a smile to get a conversation started. After you’ve introduced yourself to a guy, make small talk to get to know him a bit. When you’ve met someone you like, be honest and tell him that you’re into him. If you’re unsure whether he likes you, see if he makes eye contact, which is a sign he’s into you. Once you feel confident he likes you, be direct and ask whether he wants to do something together, like dancing in a club or meeting for coffee. Don’t forget to ask for his phone number so you can stay in touch. For tips on how to follow up with a guy after you’ve got his number, read on!Did this summary help you?YesNo
Another Night at Bars?
You are a gay man who has been single far too long. You are good looking and smart, have a great set of friends, and take care of yourself: A “real catch,” you tell your buds. But something deep inside is telling you that the way you have been going about finding a man isn’t working.
As you check yourself in the mirror before getting ready to hit the bars again, you think, “There has got to be a better way than the gay bars! I keep going week after week and no luck. Will it happen tonight? Oh crap, is that a pimple?”
Seriously, being a gay man and trying to find someone to date is a real chore. There are tons of hurdles to overcome that can make it feel like the deck is stacked against us. One major barrier can be figuring out where to meet someone. While bars can be a fun place to hang out with our friends, they are not always conducive to romantic connections. And let’s face it—as time goes on, the inability to meet a quality person can take its toll on our confidence.
After speaking with a number of formerly single gay men who are now happily partnered, I will now reveal seven places to find your next boyfriend that are not a bar.
7 Places to Find Your Next Boyfriend That Are Not a Bar
What follows are seven suggestions for places for gay men to meet a potential boyfriend that do not include a bar or nightclub.
You’ll find suggestions you’ve heard before, some of that are unconventional, and others that may even be silly. But if you’re trying to break out of the bars, you may want to give them all a chance. I will add that this list is by no means exhaustive—please feel free to add ideas in the comment section at the end of this article.
You have tried everything else–so what else do you have to lose? Okay—let’s look at the list!
1. Dating Apps and Web Sites
You may be thinking that using apps and websites seems silly, but many gay men have met the guy of their dreams by using these types of platforms. Popular ones include OKCupid and Gay.
Others that are not as well known but nonetheless effective include the apps VGL Gay, Mister, and Tinder. Some of these are free while others cost a small amount (or charge a nominal fee for premium services). The great thing about apps and websites is that most all of them nowadays allow the user to input certain search criteria or filter out folks based on user preferences. You can also check Gay Outdoors.
Some report feeling “desperate” using apps and websites for dating purposes. If you are one of those people, you need to rethink this and do so quickly. According to recent research, there are 41 million people in the US who are currently looking to meet that special someone online. This statistic does not speak to the number of single gay men specifically, but we make up a fair amount of that number.
If you have tried dating using apps and sites before with no luck, consider using a different app. Scroll through your smartphone’s options and pick something new. The idea here is to create change. Remember, dating is a numbers game. You have to put yourself out there in order to make it happen.
And here is one final point on this suggestion—while Grindr, Scruff, and other apps are great tools for meeting people, keep in mind that some of these platforms are more sexually charged than others. There is nothing wrong with this but if your goal is to date, using the right app is important.
Keep reading this, and don’t skim because it is important. Reflexively, some may turn their nose up at the thought of using Facebook to “mine for dates,” but here is the thing you may not know: there are tons of gay people on this social media platform. We are talking millions! There are a number of fan pages and groups on Facebook that are specifically designed for gay men who are single and relationship-ready. Type “gay single dating” into Facebook’s search box and see what comes up–lots! Remember, the people who are putting themselves out there are doing so with the same motivations that you are–to connect with someone for romance.
Did you know you can search Facebook for people on your friends list that are single? You sure can! Just punch in “single friends” or “my single friends” in the search box and see what comes up. You might be surprised. Of course, identification as single on Facebook depends on what the user indicates in their profile. But using this approach does allow you to see potential candidates. If they are an acquaintance, why not consider going out for a coffee? Later on the both of you might figure out that was your „first“ date. Again, what do you have to lose?
3. LGBQ Events and Fundraisers
As a population, we gays are very giving. Plus, many of us like to get all dolled up and go to events, like fundraisers for the different causes we support. Some examples include cancer-related events, HIV/AIDS-related causes, civil rights galas, and the list goes on. And if you are thinking that you won’t go to one of these events if it means having to go alone, please reconsider! Many gay men make the mistake of bringing a +1 to an event because they are embarrassed to be alone. The problem is that your +1 may be sending a glitchy signal to your potential next man that you are “with” someone. Get rid of the wing-man. Why confuse folks?
Several gay men have reported that they met the guy of their dreams by offering to be a “Table Captain” for a given event. In this capacity, you help to fill the table by soliciting people for donations. As captain, you have control over who is seated at your table—which is a huge advantage for you! Plus, you get to network with others who may be single and thereby expand your circle of available men.
Go to the fundraiser with the mindset of supporting the cause you care about, but be open to meeting someone new. Attitude is everything. It was the famous French philosopher Renee Descartes who said, „I think –therefore I am.“ What do you think?
4. Local Community Classes
This particular suggestion has worked well for many gay men who were formerly single. Do you like photography? What about painting, fitness, biking, aviation, cooking, horticulture, and so forth? One of the great things about about taking a class is the built-in advantage of a shared interest! Many classes are free or at little cost. You can find them by doing a Google search using your hometown or county in the search terms and seeing what pops up. Throw in the word “gay” as part of your search and refine your choices even more.
Chose a community class you are genuinely interested in and not just one where you think all of the hot men will be. We gays come in variety of shapes, ages, and sizes and we aren’t as cookie-cutter as many of the stereotypes people sometimes believe. Remember, it is only a shared interest if it is genuine.
This particular suggestion is a twofer when you think about it. First, you get the benefit of giving the gift of yourself to a cause you care about. Second, you will undoubtedly meet new people. More than a few happily partnered gay men have reported that they met their man through this approach. And so if you care about the environment for example, why not contact your local Greenpeace? If your passion is supporting your local LGBT community center, why not call them to see how they can use your gifts?
Some people worry about the time commitment required to volunteer for an organization. This is a very valid concern. It helps if you are up front about what you can and cannot do when you speak to the volunteer coordinator. Even if you can only be a greeter for an annual event or work the coat check, for example, it is something. And hey, a little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing.
6. Professional Organizations
Yep, you read that right! A professional organization to which you may already belong likely has a chapter dedicated for LGBT members.
The point here is that whatever you do for employment, there is likely a professional organization with a gay-focused subdivision. Almost all of them hold events, including socials, mixers, and fundraisers. If you belong to one of these associations, great—your work is half done. If not, why not look for one that fits your particular background?
Use your professional organization’s LGBT subchapter as a way of networking and expanding your circle of available, single gay men. It is completely okay to let people know you are “on the market,” so to speak. As mentioned earlier, dating is a numbers game. But if you don’t play it, you can’t win. It’s all about attitude and knowing what you want, right?
7. Local Gay-Friendly Church or Spiritual Center
Some may recoil at this suggestion, but guess what? Many partnered men have reported meeting their husband at their local gay-friendly church or spiritual center. There are a lot of gay men who are deeply spiritual—and not just the bat-crap, self-loathing types that we often hear about, either.
If you have a local place of worship or other community-based venue for spirituality and you identify with what is offered, why not give it a try? More and more, religious organizations are recognizing that LGBT folks have spiritual needs. You might be surprised at what you find when you do a quick Google search on “gay + spiritual” in your area.
If you are one of those people who are not sure what you believe in, consider taking the Belief-o-Matic self-assessment. It’s free and you will likely learn something about yourself that perhaps you did not know before. Did you know there are gay communities of Agnostics, Quakers, Pagans, Humanists, and so forth? There sure are! And there are gay atheists who congregate, as well. Take the self-assessment to see where you fit in.
Obviously, going to a local gay-friendly church or spiritual center should be about your spiritual nourishment and well-being. Think about this first before you decide which venue for spirituality is best for you. However, this does not mean you can’t also meet new people, enjoy deeply meaningful connections, and perhaps bump into your new boyfriend!
The dream that one day, you will meet the guy of your dreams is a wonderful thing to dream about. But fantasizing and doing something to make it happen are two different things.
If you want to meet your next boyfriend, then you will have to take control of the process. The Promethean spark of love only happens if there are two available people who happen to be at the right place at the right time.
Gay bars are great but let’s be real–you are over them and have been for a long time! That’s why you read this article, isn’t it? Why not try something new? Tomorrow could be a great day!
im 29 need a white guy to be my patner for long time of piriod
im black single lady looking for nice whith guy or indian or blackwith love to spend the rest of my life going me.082 224 0719
I am retired Air Force and classic car guy. Looking to find someone to share my life with.
Being agay is not something you should be affaid of cause we are many and most especailly church but am single and searching in uganda
Hello. I’m not here to judge anyone. We’re all sinners without a doubt.
But, as a Christian I can’t move past this post without saying that the act of homosexuality is purely wrong. I don’t hate people from the LGBTQ community, but I do not support what they do, because it goes against Biblical teachings.
Unintentionally fell for my best friend. He’s [without a doubt/proven to be] 100% straight. At present I choose NOT to act on my feelings except as a best friend/metaphorical older brother and love him as such. Though Lust [just on my end] is involved, I respect his, sexuality, personal space and boundaries. Unfortunately suppressing such powerful feelings and desire on his behalf is proving way too heavy a burden . I NEED to meet someone else soon so I can finally release the waters.
I am older but no troll or pedo, I prefer young guy for actual friend who is gay to. For real friend.
I’m a gay white male. Looking for a gay male 18 to 40. White, or Hispanic. I’m 58. I love men that are younger than me. I live in Lafayette Louisiana.
I am gay i am zach i need a boyfriend and a relationship with a younger guy. emails
Just a little way up Martin St to the north east of Trafalgar Square or by the steps in Oxford Street east of Ox Circus after London Pride and top end of Kensington Park Rd at Notting Hill Carnival. Excellent pick up points for younger gay men. .
So happy I found ‚Dat247gy‘ in Google. Does anyone know something like that?
I want a boy who are loking sexy have six packs abs and a gentleman
Looking for for mate or partner to share my life with me. Been single and still a virgin
I am 63 yrs old and having difficultly in finding a gay/bisexual man in east texas. I am white, want to stay within my race and around the same age. I am average build, d&d free,non smoker. Looking for fun 3-4x a month or more.
i would like to fina a older man, as i am. to enjoy life together…nothing out of the ordinary but lot’s of affection and caring. If there someone in his 70’s or 80’s and can still be to meet that person
More suggestions such as Volunteering, Spiritual or taking a class are great ideas.
I do find the same situation with on line and aps as the bars. That tends to be just as disappointing as the bars.
I’m looking for boyfriend I am 45 years old Latino and leave by monaco Mexico
older guy for friends and if it is to be a bf , I am into younger guys.. friends can be anyone.. bf slim to avg, 18-35, bttm . looking more for compationship , might be a young guy that needs a place to stay and we go from there.. lets chat..
I’m new closet. Not looking for bf but rather sexual friend. For bedroom fun… Bf stuff not for me I like dressing up as a girl n getting !!!!!!for as long as possible. As often as possible . Thnx guys
Social media and dating sites won’t do you much good if you’re over 30. After your name and zip code the next registration question is always your age (date of birth) and then they plaster your age right below your photo. Ageism is a real problem in meeting people and I confess I’m as irrationally age prejudiced as the next guy. It’s a data point that really should not be discussed unless you’re dead set on finding a friend within 7 years of your real age. In my book, appearance is more relevant than real age. I’ve seen dudes 25 who look 65 and v 65s who look 35. My experience with churches as been mixed. Lots of people who are already coupled. Many have various “life trauma” issues or the “Let Jesus Take the Wheel” mentality of taking no responsibility for their own life. It may be worth a try, but the odds are against you. The other suggestions are better. Borrowing from another article on this topic aimed at helping straight women find quality men, that writer suggested self-improvement, business seminars proved to be a winner. She also liked high-end special interest groups (wine tasting, museum tours, boating, etc.)
Soren So from Bangkok, Krung Thep on August 12, 2019:
Hey, I’m Soren from Thailand as a gay I found it difficult to find life partner here, i wish to find one too.
I’m 27yrs Educated person, have good job. I have tan skin, 5’6″ 160lbs
I’m looking for someone special to share special things in life with.
I don’t do drug, not a host, not money boy so if you’re looking for serious relationship send me message and lets see.
I’m real and hope you’re real too. Welcome any age over 30.
Hi Guys here i am waiting for you 41y old med built loveing caring guy
Been trying dating apps. (desperate move) but what i only are got here in the philippines scammers, scammers, posers, posers,Massuers And most of all lots of choosy are looking for potential partners, but hey look at their profiles, Doesnt like chubby, not tall, not good looking. Effiminate. Good want a perfect, celebrity looking boyfies.=O… sad thing on gayworld
Oh,Iwould love to meet a sexy gay Asian male.P.S.I am a gay man.
Phuminnaris Wongsawat from Thailand on June 27, 2019:
Welll I am living at Thailand and so hard for find someone but still looking in everyday hope can get to know in someday
My name Gunni if you want to know more Please say hi to my email
cant find a boyfriend in the state of arkansas around springdale and fayetteville anymore. used to be all over the place now all the bars clubs and parks are closed. im afried to go up to a man and ask him for a date in fear of getting my face punch. what is a guy to do just to get a men now. im 59 and want any where from 45 to 55 to date and have a serious relationship. is there anyone that can help me.
Looking for a bi-sexual or gay man in this redneck town is tough! Any suggestions???
Looking for gay man that lives in mitchelles Plain portlands
I’m an older man well 47 – not that old yet and I love young studs
My problem was that I did not know how to approach them without seeming like a creepy old dude
Plus I didn’t know how to spot the younger gay man or if he was bi-curious – so I was out of confidence because I was afraid of meeting a homophobic dude and get a punch on the face if was brave enough to go talk to him.
Luckily I rolled into this video course a few weeks ago and the difference is huge – I recently I started dating a hot guy and things are going great – I wanted to share this course with you
I am looking for a nice boyfriend hows got a nice personality and a good sence of humpur and is careing and friendly and honest and good looking and down
Hi michael here iam a gay man and looking for a nice boyfriend but no luck so far can you help me look for a nice boyfriend iam 58 year old and a adult wanker
Great article! There are indeed wonderful gay men out there- it’s just time consuming trying to find them. I am a gay matchmaker and have been for 8 years- and believe me, it’s a full time job. This article is right – Facebook can be a good tool as you can see mutual friends and you can have your friend vouch for the person. This is essential- we need to be able to vouch for everyone we work with at The Echelon Scene, so we screen and meet everyone in person. BUT, ask your friend to be as unbiased as possible- and ask your friend to contemplate if you have complementing values. This is key!
I am very much interested to know you and hopefully become your friend. I have nothing much to say but i know how you feel. And i understand where you’re coming from. I hope this simple message of mine will touch your loving heart. Its really hard and difficult to find people you want to share your heart and soul these days, but who knows..
I still believe that somewhere there..someone will be our good and better partner in life.. God bless.
Thanks CBJ. It seems that the search for love knows no boundaries. I live in a small, conservative town, and no gay bars or clubs. So, I don’t have to try to avoid them. I do enjoy visiting gay clubs when I travel to larger cities, and have met some nice people and remain friends with a couple I met in a club in Atlanta several years ago. I’m a 60 year old man, searching for a partner. As I have aged, I’ve come to understand that the man I hope to meet is not a supermodel but is emotionally available, mature and kind. And, I remain optimistic that I’ll meet him. In the meantime, I try to stay healthy, active and social. My friends and my family mean so much to my happiness, and I plan to invite my partner to that group.
Many probably won’t want to hear this, but this sagely advice is still true: You can’t love someone until you can love yourself. A problem in the gay community is we often have high expectations with little room for flexibility. Curbing idealizations is key to finding sustainable partnerships.
There’s no doubt the conventionally hot, bearded, chiseled man is yummy, but these men represent a small subset of the gay community; prioritizing the Adonis (who has his own problems and insecurities, too, mind you) won’t get you into a loving relationship. The proclivity of gay men to value physical attractiveness over emotional intelligence and communication is short-sighted. Good looks WILL fade; the foundations you’ve built with someone who’s been with you through your deepest lows is what makes a relationship.
My advice is to work on yourself. Always work on yourself. Know what makes you happy and build relationships and communities based on those factors. A few of my key „rules“:
2. Be vulnerable; honesty is not synonymous with weakness.
4. Be kind and forgive yourself and those who have hurt you often.
Looking for love is hard—online and off. If you’re older and looking for someone younger, know it’s probably not going to be easy for you. If you’re a person of color who only wants to date white men, deal with your internalized racism (I’m Asian and trust me, loving other men of color is incredibly empowering). If the beginning of your dating profile reads: „Looking for [insert sex position], attractive, fit, etc…“ you’re looking for sex, not love, so be real about that because longterm relationships are not built on who tops and who bottoms.
looking for love in all the wrong places // wanting to start out in the back seat.
Hello White Beautifull Hairless Cute Virgin Teen Age under 19 Years Old Bottom guys Meet me For Love fun and Marriage
Firstly, I want to know how many people actually sign up at community colleges to „meet“ people. Not to COST MONEY!!! Should I mention how many millennials are in debt for college loans. Who the f*** has time or the money to take an arbitrary course hoping to meet „the one“.. yea, needless to say I don’t need to „try“ this scenario to know how unlikely it is.
Next….Volunteer? Have you been to the rural south? Sure I can volunteer at Walmart. Or volunteer at a local though I already work there. But these are hardly two places I’d imagine meeting a compatible match. I’ve seen these advice tips given all over the internet and I’m convinced thise that are giving them live in either New York, LA or some other multimillion populous. For guys like me, stuck in the really are only two options. ;t get me started. Or driving an hour to a gay bar since there aren’t even any of those around. And these alliance groups? Seriously? I’ve searched everywhere for a local chapter of any of these organizations and not 1 to be found anywhere near where I live. And I sure your next suggestion will be to relocate, and while that may be the best ;s still frustratingly inconvenient and to mention the risk and time wasted if it all goes to shit. Why is it that only gay men that live in places like NY or LA seem to have such wonderful lives? Are the rest of us just suppose to deal with it or join you? All in ;s a shit deal, high risk with very low reward, constant solitude and perpetual stereotypes….I’d rather have Cancer quite personally.
Thanks for knowing this but I wish to know exact religious place.
I am mature, Italian, tan, gray bottom but versatile looking for a fit masculine top who is versatile but likes to take charge. I enjoy men with nice size packages – not small ones. I host on the southshore mid suffolk county, Long Island. Locals preferred. All ages who are fit & masculine are good.
The last relationship i was in lasted 9 years but there were signs day one he brought items from his last marriage and told me he could not get ride of them wedding picture i still stayed faithful until he sleeping with my best friend and i did not find out until he had died from aids and i never touch my partner and got tested my test came back neg. I was hurt i am ok but still single do not want my nexts partner to be controling or hurt me i have faith
Well, this is a helpful article … I’m still single and I really can’t tell if these venues for meeting guys really work … but I do hope I find the right one.
Think more of the problem is gay culture itself. Finding men that are men that know what they want out of life takes time. Shallow is the thing that runs rampant in the culture and it just gets old. Main thing, you have to be true to yourself and what you seek and stay away from all the unnecessary drama and bull. In bigger cities, these are options, where I live, things to do or clubs to join are pretty much non-existent. Just have to remain positive and realize you don’t need someone in your life to be happy…although it is nice to have someone to share things with.
I am a married man who is craving for a fwb only i am bi
A little about me I currently live in sunny Arizona. Love it here yes it’s hot but our winters are beautiful. I’m blk 145 slim and trim I’ll be 52 next month look 36 get carded often. I’m totall into movies I can binge watch movies all day. I go to as many Festivals here in the valley as much as I can. I write poetry script writing I love the Art galleries here in the valley. And also quite times at the house, I’m not looking to have sex with anyone I want a Relationship no one nightstands here. If your living in the valley hit me up.
Lookingfor lovefun loving serious like 18 to 30 im 70 love to kiss and cyddle
The problem that I have is often on dating sites there are a lot of effeminate men and not men’s men.
am so bi been for a long love to be with the right guy…
Hi I’ve looking for someones who s care me and love
I need a guy whom Is serious . I will love him as a husband and treasure him. Please anyone there?
available during business hours only. east city. prefer to be a bottom, but flexible. (really)
not lookin for something to serious wright now but what ever happens should stay with you and me.
I like boys and around cleveland,ohio im 19 years old im gay and proud
very hard to meet decent loyal real down to earth guys in a bar i hate the bar scene where do you go to meet others they say try a church or a group or some kind of acrivity groups
Looking for a steady partner. I am loyal and want to be in a relationship. Please
I begin think I,ve tried them all so far seems the game playing makes one wonder about men to ,or are they just over grown boys
older single in Washington state , looking for relationship
I hate going now to bars there use to be good quality guys there but not any more.I use to meet good quality men at a straight gym . I find the gay community in the gay village are real snobby „if you are not a typical gay activists or look a certain way they want nothing to do with you.
I’m 18 live near London, England and want a nice loyal bf with great personality
I am trying to find my true love its a gay life I guess..
I would like to just talk to you and I hope you can help I have been looking for someone with a good persanoite I can’t seem too find any one
65 years looking for tops men sny age but preferred around my age
I’d like clarify something in regard what dating websites generally dont and is because places like OLCupid, albeit free and with many men options, by being free anybody can use it, couples looking for a third for fun or love, bored men browsing and looking to find, simply guys looking for and because of there’s a lack of „quality men“ we found ourselves going on dates that don’t workout (if they don’t flake on you the very day of the date…)
For those of you who are SERIOUS and commited to find a partner, you need to chose more discretionary websites that usually comes with membership costs (they vary based on different factors but all aimed to pair you with the right candidates). No one who pays money (even top money) for dating online services unless seriously invested and a great gatekeeper for bored couples or gossipy flakey men.
Got the same problem can’t find some one to have fun with surly it can’t be that hard
I am looking for cars & to love me want I am I want to love good man I don’t car want age you are.
Hello age 27 am looking for a nice guy to date with please help me am single, from Southern Africa Zambia. Someone who is mature and good to me
Perhaps I’m single because of my personality. I’ve been told that I am peculiar and quirky. I wish I were somewhat average sometimes. Deep down there I am still that shy and lonely guy who dreams about a little home for me and a man to protect me and love me. Nonetheless, I try to remain strong and confident. Well, that’s life. Life is a mess. Life is a bitch, but this doesn’t mean you have to be one. I’m not.
Hi..I think the problem is all this social media hype and a radical overuse of technology. Most people dont really want to be labelled or have to fit into defined groups in order to meet other people. My advice and i have never been alone for more than two or three months in all my 65 years is go out, or as my mother used to say, join clubs. Nothing changes only that the powers that me want to control us better for their own nefarious purposes.
Im looking for someone i could share the hardship and joy of life. Someone with whom i could take pride in each of our victories and put my backs and tears behind each of our struggles. Someone who would see the virtue of a knight instead of madman. Someone with whom i could strive for greatness. The one who would forgive my trespasses for i too am still learning to love. Someone who does not give up on words and promises but are willing to go through pain and wrong while building something and perhaps the only thing that really matters. Is out there another madman another man of chivalry? Or have all days of glory passed in favor of cheap hedonism?
David from 4 months ago…14 years is a long time. I’ve been in a relationship for 30 ;s also a long time. I’m not sure monogamy is the answer either. I think we need variety. There is no easy answer, unless you meet your soul mate.
Happy new year 2017 hope we can share love and life
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Before there was Grindr…
Wikipedia defines “cruising” as “walking or driving about a locality in search of a sex partner, usually of the anonymous, casual, one-time variety.”
This is a fair definition, but some guys would define cruising more loosely: a basic sex hunt, not something you specifically set out to do but rather something you are always doing. We do it on the subway and in the office and anywhere a handsome gentleman might lift his shirt to wipe sweat off his forehead. In our minds, we lift his shirt the rest of the way and tug on the brim of his trousers with our teeth.
If you make eye contact with him and discover (wordlessly and without complete certainty) that you are both interested, then voila! You’ve cruised. Now all you have to do is work up the courage to talk to him, give him your number, or nod to the exit. The following hookup may happen in your apartment, in a public restroom, or in the alley out back. Wherever you choose, you are engaging in an art that gay and bi men have been perfecting for decades.
Check out these 24 classic cruising zones, some of which yielded better results in years past and many that are still used today. Happy hunting!
Above: Alex lurking in a park
My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely on my own experiences. As with everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.
Those who are sensitive regarding frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that addresses sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.
For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions for sex and dating topics in the comments.
Before anyone tries to convince you that bathhouses are no fun — that they are filled with creepy onlookers and tweaked-out drug addicts — go to one. Go to Steamworks in Chicago or Berkeley, Club Dallas, or any of the Flex spas across the country. If you are a kink pig looking for slings over saunas, find your nearest Slammer. If these are not options in your city, plan a trip. Big cities like Los Angeles and New York have bathhouses that, depending on the night, may have better crowds than the national chains — North Hollywood Spa, Tampa Men’s Club, Denver Swim Club.
The Everard Baths in New York City was the most written-about bathhouse in history until it closed in 1986 at the height of the AIDS epidemic. Everard was open for almost 100 years and was visited by such gay luminaries as Gore Vidal and Truman Capote. Today, New York is filled with cruising grounds, but its number of bathhouses has noticeably dwindled.
There are several reasons for this. Yes, AIDS was a devastating hit, one that made us fear the sexual spaces we used to roam. But other social changes contributed. The closet drew many men to bathhouses where they could cruise freely before returning home to their wives. For them, bathhouses were a necessity — spaces frequented out of need and desire. Gay life has changed since then.
I have heard some younger gay men — guys closer to my age — say they would never set foot in a bathhouse “because they are filled with old guys.” Let’s face a fact: This is often true. Many of the bathhouses I’ve been to are filled with older men, but this fact neither diminishes the fun to be had in them or takes away from their experience. Let go of your needless ageism and try something new.
There is something great about being naked in a gay space. Bathhouses are a dichotomy. hey are both erotic and comfortable, foreign and familiar. If you’ve never been to one and are ready to take the plunge, check out my article “10 Tips For Your First Trip To The Bathhouse” on
2. Public Parks
City parks were once the cruising grounds for gay men. In New York in the 1970s, public parks where places where you could not only find a hot guy but bang him in the bushes too.
Parks are harder to cruise today. Police patrolling has amped up, and there are obvious safety risks to cruising parks at night.
Antonio Da Silva has a thing for public cruising. The Portuguese director makes short films that blur the lines between documentary and pornography, art and voyeurism — which means his films are great. His 13-minute explicit film Beach 19 peeks in on the activities at a popular gay beach in Portugal.
While a trip to Portugal or Limanakia Beach in Greece (another famous gay beach) sounds awesome, outdoor cruising and nature sex can be found in the United States too. Baker Beach in San Francisco, Black’s Beach in San Diego, Maui’s Little Beach, and of course Fire Island Pines, a historic gay dreamland, are still fun places to visit. And while you might not be able to have sex on the beach itself (at least not in the daylight), you can still find a partner to take home. A note on the Pines: Few guys get naked on the beach itself, but many wander to the little “anything goes” coastal forest nearby.
I must here give a word of caution. Public sex always invites the risk of getting caught by someone other than a voyeur or hot participant. Law enforcement, unsuspecting passersby, and happy children can stumble by. While this risk is totally part of the fun, getting caught can land you in jail.
The Advocate is not responsible for your incarceration should you choose to participate in “public lewdness” — a funny term invented by lawmakers that we must take seriously. You will find the term “public lewdness” on warnings posted in gay-heavy gyms (“Any public lewdness in the steam room will result in immediate termination of membership and possible legal action”) and cruising hotspots where a manager has caught wind of what’s been going on. In most cases it means anal or oral sex — flashing your junk in areas that are not clothing-optional is called “indecent exposure.”
A cursory history of gay New York must include the West Side piers — a gay landmark that, for many gay men in the ’70s, was the epicenter of the art and sex movement that happened between Stonewall and the onset of the AIDS epidemic. The piers weren’t much to look at — a series of decaying wood and steel structures jutting into the Hudson River from Christopher Street up to Chelsea — but their location as well as their storied nightly sex spots solidified their place as the most famous gay cruising site in the United States. Take a pilgrimage to see them — it will be bittersweet, considering how many died during the plague years — but save the public cruising for one of New York’s many gay nightclubs.
Above image: Shelley Seccombe, „Sunbathing on the Edge, Pier 52“ (1977), contemporary archival digital print, source:
5. Gay Bars
Like all other parts of gay culture, gay bars have changed. Many of their playrooms have been converted into well-lit lounges or additional bar space — a fact that makes me die a little. And (you guessed it) hookup apps have all but gutted these spaces of the crowds that used to flock them. But the quintessential gay bar — that tawdry dive with a rainbow flag in the window and a glory hole in the bathroom — is important, because long before chat rooms and mobile apps, gay bars were some of our original cruising zones. Sexual overtones aside, gay bars were places where we could meet, organize, let loose, and foster community.
I haven’t figured out the formula of what makes a gay bar stay open, but I imagine there are many factors: hot bartenders, hot crowds, and the seemingly unavoidable threat of getting priced out. I almost never go to nongay bars, because I give my dollars to spaces that exist for me. Keep our sanctuaries alive!
The birthplace of gay circuit parties, underground discothèques were where gay men danced in the ’70s — and have not stopped since.
But first, a clarification: “discothèque” is a term rarely used in the United States anymore — most people simply say “club” or “dance club” — but you can still find self-identified discothèques in Europe.
The beauty of dancing in a room full of gay men (and typically getting high with them) is something I can hardly describe. When I have those nights, I feel part of a gay tradition that started in the pre-AIDS sex reverie, survived a plague, and is still alive today.
Different scholars, homos, club kids, and gay partiers will argue when dance clubs really came into being, but their significance in gay culture (and gay cruising) is undeniable. Their bathrooms have long been homes to cruising and gay sex.
10. Gayborhood Streets
If New York’s Christopher Street taught us anything, it is that a street in a gay part of town is the ultimate cruising ground. I applaud the guys who make hookups happen simply from exchanging glances with the men they pass on the sidewalk. Doing so takes game, body-reading skills, improvisation, and guts. I have not mastered the art of street cruising, but I have felt that heightened tension when walking down a sidewalk in a gayborhood — the Castro in San Francisco, the streets of Hell’s Kitchen, Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood — and knowing that I am in cruise territory. The eyes are on you.
Second to circuit parties, gyms are some of the most erotic places in the world. A place where sweaty guys work out in minimal clothing, strip in front of each other, take showers, and sometimes sit together in a steam room is going to be a gay cruise zone — how could it be anything else?
Some gyms will have a stronger cruising vibe than others, depending on the neighborhood. Gayborhood gyms are almost asking for public sex, while gyms in smaller towns and conservative communities might be higher risk. In general, though, you are bound to face some repercussion if you get caught by a staff member.