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My wife is bisexual, and I’ve always been cool with her playing with other women, and sometimes other guys—we have plenty of sex, so I know it’s not about me. I’m usually a one-woman kind of guy myself, but recently we had a couple over socially and things got a little heated. My wife and the woman had fooled around before, but never with her boyfriend. I sort of figured we’d just watch, but then the guy put his hand on my thigh. I wasn’t really sure how to respond—I’ve never been with a guy and don’t think I’m interested—so I just left the room. My wife was a little upset; she felt I was too closed off to experimentation. But shouldn’t this kind of thing happen with lots of communication? I sort of suspect she and the other couple intended things to go in this direction, and I’m the only one who didn’t know. We have a pretty conservative background and our relationship is very unconventional in our world, so I’m not really sure of the ground rules. What should I do, in this instance and in potential future ones?

If I’m choosing sides—which I wish I could say I’m not inclined to do, but let’s face it: part of the reason why I’m here or anywhere is for the drama—I’m choosing yours. I don’t think your wife was necessarily wrong, per se, in perhaps devising a scenario where you might get swept up into the moment and fall into some man orifice. A lot of people respond to spontaneity. Who we are at our most aroused often doesn’t look much like who we are when flossing our teeth or folding laundry. Your wife might have even thought she was doing you a favor by giving you the opportunity to explore. But guess what? You didn’t want to! And guess what else? You don’t have to! Nor should you be pressured to do anything you aren’t comfortable with sexually. The risk she (potentially) took by springing a foray into bi play on you is that you wouldn’t take the worm (in this case, a dick). She should be happy that you chose the least awkward method possible of handling this by simply removing yourself. That’s to say, I don’t think she has a moral standing here to 1) surprise you with a male sex partner, and 2) give you grief when you don’t respond in the moment. (I’m basing much of this on your suspicious interpretation of the situation; it’s possible she was not conniving at all and you’re letting yourself get paranoid!)

From my perspective, you sound plenty open-minded. I would just check in, though, to make sure that you’re as open-minded as she needs you to be—perhaps she reacted a bit irrationally to your sensible reaction, but perhaps she’s responding to bigger-picture issues. Make sure you are clear about all of this. If you aren’t certain of the ground rules, it’s because you haven’t set them, which you have every right to do. So do that, too.

I would be remiss if I didn’t nitpick one more thing you wrote: “I’ve never been with a guy and don’t think I’m interested.” Think is doing some work here. If you are in fact curious, as this wording implies, you may want to do some introspection and eventually take your wife up on her offer. You’re very open to her exploring; you might want to grant yourself the same freedom.

Years ago, my wife fell into a bout of depression. Therapy and antidepressants helped, but her libido disappeared. All sexual (and then all physical) contact ended. It never returned. During marriage counseling, the truth came out: The antidepressants did nothing to slow her sex drive. She hated sex with me and saw a way to get out of ever having to do it again.

We’re divorced now. I’ve made peace with our relationship, learned to forgive her, and accept my own mistakes in our marriage. But now I’ve started dating again, and I find I’m paralyzed. I’m a man in his mid-40s who hasn’t had sex—who hasn’t even kissed—in 20 years. That fact is sitting there, at the front of my mind, during every flirtatious encounter, during every random Tinder date. I’m unable to let any date end with more than a firm handshake, and there is never a second date. As stupid as it sounds, I feel like everyone can look at me and see how un-screwable I am. I worry that even after I get over the mental block, the lack of experience and the lack of ability will still be there to disappoint whoever I eventually take to bed. How do I get past this and learn to move forward?

On the matter of your screwability mental block: You’re not the authority here. While ideally you’d have healthy self-confidence (it makes you more screwable, if nothing else), it’s other people who determine your desirability as their desire defines it. So if someone wants to screw you, you are, by definition, screwable. Trust others here. Open yourself up enough to let them lead when it comes to taking things further.

So now that you’re hypothetically past that, on to your stroke. I think it’s important to remember that most of the time in sexual scenarios that aren’t brokered to a T beforehand, usually in some kind of online forum, people aren’t signing up to have sex with a machine who executes its techniques flawlessly. You aren’t a gymnast, and your partner will not be behind a judging table (unless you’re into that, in which case you had better bring your A game). Most of the time, when people want to have sex with you, they want to have sex with you regardless of your special skills or lack of them. This isn’t science, per se; it’s about a more amorphous sort of chemistry—a great way to be good in bed is simply to show up, be you, and connect with your partner.

That will, of course, involve you getting out of your own head and living in the moment. Focus on relaxing. Consider therapy on your own, if you haven’t. And when you do learn to turn off these thoughts, pay attention to your partner’s desires, but in the frame of mind that sees sex not as an obligation but as a healthy vehicle for self-expression. You’re overdue.

I’m a gay guy in my early 30s who has historically been a bottom. My first boyfriend was a top, and when I did strike out on my own, my dick didn’t really cooperate when I tried to top, so I figured that was that. Recently, a mostly top man I’ve been seeing for six months—who I am somewhat crazy for—asked me to top him, and I just kind of … did. Then we did it twice more that day, and I loved it. That experience gave me enough confidence to try it out with other guys (we’re not exclusive), and I was disappointed to find that, once again, my dick did not show up to work. I am excited to be more versatile, especially because other guys have tended to assume I’m a top and it has led to some awkward situations. But I am wondering what I can do to help that process along and be more consistent, because my dick seems to have its own ideas.

In the absence of a little more context here for these encounters, I’m going to make some assumptions. It sounds like topping the guy you’re crazy about was an impromptu experience, while there was planning involved with the guys that ended up not getting you up and leaving you down. It could be as simple as this: You really like that guy that you’ve been seeing for six months, so you felt comfortable topping him, and less comfortable, ergo functional, with the randoms. Or it could be something more to do with the circumstance, which is to say, perhaps you are a more spontaneous type of top. This would make sense, too. Performance anxiety is truly a silent killer … of boners. It could be that setting out to be the top is the problem, and that you may have to go into these situations leaving them open to positioning possibility. This shouldn’t be too hard; most gay guys are versatile to some degree, especially when you exude the kind of top energy that has guys bending over to your very presence in response.

I have noticed a certain level of intensity when I end up topping in a situation that I set out to bottom in. It’s like a switch flips midway through. I believe this is because if I enter a situation thinking I’m going to bottom, I feel absolutely no pressure to perform, so I can with absolutely no anxiety. And that makes me want to. There is also something about topping tops that is low pressure in itself. A self-identified power bottom who runs the entire session with the authoritarian perfectionism of a Kubrick set can intimidate the wood right off a guy whose sensibility isn’t complementary. A guy who calls himself a top but decides to bottom tends to be a lot more easygoing about it.

I’m not saying that you should set out to turn out as many tops as you can (talk about pressure!). I’m saying that our modern methods of hooking up have a way of compartmentalizing us into machinery whose parts are ordered to carry out specific functions. Reality tends to be more amorphous than that. So leave your options open and don’t be so hard on yourself. Just as you are a man, but not Superman, you are a top (occasionally) but not Supertop.

Nor should anyone expect that from you. My final suggestion to you: Don’t let other people’s expectations and assumptions dictate the sex you’re having. Versatility is great—I couldn’t recommend it more, and I’m proud of you for wanting to experiment with it—but other people wanting you to be something you are not is their problem, not yours. Don’t internalize the pressure they make you feel when they voice surprise at your preference for bottoming. It’s only going to make things harder, and make you softer.

I have an amazing boyfriend—he is a great friend and partner. But our sex life is barely there, and when we do have sex, it’s not great. He often tells me to just use him as I want when I want. This is too broad for me, and I’m shy about asking for sex. I’m happy everywhere but in our bedroom. It doesn’t help that an ex and I had a very kinky, hot sex life with role play—props, everything—and he was always open. I don’t want to compare, but I do miss the sex. I’m still in my 40s and I don’t want my sexual days to be over.

It seems like you’re shy about asking for anything—there’s nary a question mark in your … microessay—let alone sex. Well, in the words of an extremely flawed, occasionally wise man: Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you’d like to. You have all the pieces here to ensure that your sexual days are far from over: 1) A true understanding of what gets you off from your previous partner, 2) a current partner who’s willing to do whatever, and 3) an interest in staying active. So stop wringing your hands and get in there. Just do what you did with your ex with your new guy. He sounds like a blank slate, so cover him in your tried-and-true kinks. If your ex was usually the party who led the fun, spell out to your current partner exactly what you need, per your past experiences, and ask him to do it—you’ll only have the discomfort of taking the lead that one time.

If you don’t take control of your sex life, you’re going to lose it. You’re hungry, and there’s a huge feast in front of you, but you can’t bring yourself to pick up your fork. If you sit there long enough, it’s going to get moldy and you’ll be left hungry. That’s no way to live, so don’t live that way.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler: ‘I tried gay sex once, but didn’t dig it’

Stadium rocker’s new autobiography is full of such revelations

Aerosmith published his new autobiography yesterday (May 18) – and it contains plenty of new revelations about the frontman’s colourful past.

Most startling among the revelations, first picked up on by ABC News, was Tyler‘s admission that he’d tried gay sex, but just the once as he “didn’t dig it.”

He wrote: “Gay sex just doesn’t do it for me. I tried it one time when I was younger, but I just didn’t dig it.”

Tyler also wrote about the band’s backstage antics and how one of Aerosmith‘s entourage would make sure he had “clean girls” waiting for him in the shower after gigs.

He wrote: “As dirty as my mind is, my body’s pretty clean. Kelly [a member of the Aerosmith entourage] always made sure the girls were in the shower when I got in the room. I liked my pulchritude pristine! I can’t kiss a girl that’s been stage diving with 500 other guys.”

The singer also opened up about being bullied as a child and his turbulent personal life, writing: “I’ve never had a relationship with a woman who really trusted me.”

The world’s defining voice in music and pop culture since 1952.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler: ‘I tried gay sex once, but didn’t dig it’

All The Straight Guys I’ve Ever Slept With

The most annoying thing a straight person can say to a gay is, “You think he’s cute? He’s straight.” Absolutely brilliant sleuthing, Sherlock! The fact that he’s straight doesn’t mean I can’t find him attractive, so stop telling me that. I’m attracted to guys period, gay, straight, bi, try, or whatever other thing exists nowadays. They’re all guys!

I read that anonymous piece last week, “I’m Gay And I Fell In Love With A Straight Guy,” and it really struck me. Doesn’t every gay person accidentally fall in love with a straight person at least once? I’ve fallen in love with a couple straight guys before and I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemy. But you don’t fall in love with them because they are straight — you fall in love with them because they’re an amazing person. Every time I fell for a bro I became a total emotional mess. I constantly wondered why he never responded to my last text, if he “got” my sexual innuendo, or what a girl he liked had that I didn’t.

But the thing is, falling in love with straight guys and having sex with straight guys are totally different things. The idea of the “super straight sports bro who has never had his D sucked by a guy before!!!” is one of the most popular tropes in gay pornography. The fetishization of straightness by gay culture is nearly everywhere. It has a lot to do with gay fear of effeminacy, a socially induced, internal fear that gay men aren’t real men, whatever that means, and that straight meat is the best meat. It’s not true. What we forget, though, is that historically guys have been having sex with each other for fun, without much negative social labeling, since, like, Plato.

I don’t mean to step on anybody’s sexual orientation or to perpetuate any harmful myths or stereotypes. And I’m not saying that sexuality isn’t a thing. It is: I know that I’m probably going to fall in love with a guy I’m going to want to marry one day, even if I might find myself attracted to women sometimes. But all this talk about gays and straights as 100% relentless absolutes is nonsense.

Everyone thinks gay guys pursue straight guys, trying to “make” them gay. A straight guy’s biggest fear is that every gay on the earth wants to sleep with him. That’s only half true: we only want to sleep with the hot ones. But let me tell you, I don’t pursue straight guys like that. Sometimes, it’s the straight guys who pursue us.

All The Straight Guys I’ve Ever Slept With

18 Types of Sex All Gay Men Should Try At Least Once in their Lifetime

There are so many different ways guys have sex with each other. There’s a lot in between the two extremes of making love to the man of your life, and having a raunchy, anonymous hookup in a bathhouse.

So here are 18 types of sex all gay/bi men should experience (at least once) at some point in their lives!

Ohhhh, that first time you’re with a guy. You’re nervous. You’re confused. It feels so right, yet you think it’s so wrong. All the shame, joy, confusion, and pleasure amalgamating to create an overwhelming emotional overload.

For many of us, the first experience we had with a man wasn’t great. Odds are, we didn’t actually like them that much. (If you did, you’re lucky!) So the first time you have sex with a man you really like (maybe even love) is a pretty phenomenal experience. You think to yourself, „Wow. This is it.“

In my humble opinion, I think this is a rite of passage for every gay man. I think we all need to have some form of cruisy, bathhouse, and/or park experience. The fearful rush is unlike anything you’ve experimented with before.

If you’re like me, the first time you bottomed you did not get what the fuss was about. I was clenching, hadn’t cleaned properly, and honestly had no idea what to do. I also remember being in a lot of pain. A few tries later, when you learn to relax, you finally get what the whole fuss is about, and it starts to feel really, really good.

The first time you have sex with someone who’s f*cking great. He’s sexy. He’s energetic. He knows how to move. And he has you thinking, „What type of garbage sex have I been having for the past X years?“

Who needs Ambien when you have Grindr, am I right? Those nights where you’re having trouble falling asleep, so you invite a guy over. Forty-five minutes later, you’re passed out. Sleeping like a baby.

In order to have sex with a man the first few times, many of us had to get to a point of severe inebriation. It’s obviously very different, and a lot more special, when you first have sex with a man sober.

Makin’ love to the man you love. Life really doesn’t get much better than that.

He smacks your butt hard, or he rests his hands on your throat, applying a little pressure. Your heart speeds up. You feel the rush of exploring something a little kinkier, a little more intense.

Honestly, I think everyone should experience a threesome at least once, at some point in their life. We all need to learn what the fuss is about, and why two heads (pun intended) are better than one.

Summer camp is literally the most homoerotic space to have ever existed. Just a bunch of hormonal guys, some closeted, some straight, but all confused about their sexuality, bunking together and exploring each other’s bodies.

When you get to experience drunk sex that’s actually amazing. You somehow have more energy and feel like a goddamn rock star. Everything feels so good.

That drunk sex that is absolutely awful. We’ve all had it. (Some of us more than we care to admit.) You can’t get hard. You feel gross. Your bodies don’t seem to be connecting at all. Literally, the worst. You might be asking why I think every gay men should experience this. Fair question! I think it’s important for us to have a couple mediocre sexual experiences, so we can appreciate the good ones.

There’s something unbelievably hot about having sex with someone in a foreign country. (When it’s a local in that county, that makes it even better.) Not sure why this is the case, but man-oh-man, it is.

When you sleep with a guy who’s 20 years your senior, and you’re like, „Woah, practice DOES make perfect!“

When 20 years later the tables have turned, and you’re showing the ropes to a newly out gay/bi man, helping him live out his daddy fantasy.

It’s another rite of passage that will inevitably happen. What do you expect? You’re poking around in someone’s butt. The first time this happens you’re definitely a little freaked out. But by the 10th time, you literally could not care less.

Had to end the slideshow on an uplifting note! It’s not even the physical act of sex that’s good; it’s the fact that you’re doing it with the man you love. It’s pure intimacy.

18 Types of Sex All Gay Men Should Try At Least Once in their Lifetime

Why straight men are going ‘gay for pay’ on camera

GAY porn stars who identify as straight are a common phenomenon. So why are they making careers out of having sex with other men? GRAPHIC.

Curtis was straight, but as a struggling new graduate in fast-paced San Diego, it was a tempting idea.

“They made it real comfortable,” he says. “It was just, come back here, here’s the studio, get naked. I’d never been naked in front of anybody other than me and a girlfriend … when you have three or four people with cameras, it’s pretty nerve-racking.

“Eventually the cameras just disappear. Pretty much just like jerking off at home is what it turned out to be.”

Curtis was emphatic that he would not do a sex scene. But soon enough, the chance to make even more money became too enticing.

“I thought about it a bit, experimented at home and was like, well that ain’t too bad, I can do that and come back with a pocketful of money, that’d be great.

“They let me top the first sex scene I did just to ease me into it. They’re not doing that much any more.”

Like most straight men in the industry, Curtis started out with solo masturbation scenes, and graduated to hardcore

Curtis’ experience may sound extreme, but it’s a common phenomenon. At least half of all male gay porn stars identify as straight, according to Charlie David, a director from Montreal, Canada, who’s made a documentary on the subject.

, which is released internationally on Tuesday, explores why straight men would have sex with other men, and why there’s such a huge market for it.

Popular gay porn websites including (where Curtis works), , and all offer movies proudly featuring straight actors.

“You’re seeing hypermasculine situations or sometimes professions, a construction worker and so on,” David told

“It’s not only subconscious cues, it’s promoted as this by the studios: ‘Look at these straight guy f**k!’”

David became aware of the trend for heterosexuals to “go gay” for parts after he appeared in LGBT-orientated supernatural soap ) and porn.

“A lot of the main [gay porn] studios’ producers are straight men or women,” he said. “It’s interesting because there’s such a stigma against LGBT people in many places. Calling somebody gay is often used as a derogatory comment.”

So what’s the appeal for these actors and the viewers? And can the performers really call themselves straight?

Gay porn studios promote their stars as straight, and websites like treat it as a niche

Curtis says the fact he began enjoying the feeling caused him confusion about his

The number one reason straight men do gay porn is cold, hard cash, says David.

Gay porn stars can earn $4000 to $5000 for a just an eight-hour day’s work, or a shoot over a weekend. It’s far more than their male counterparts in straight porn can make, and more than most 20-somethings earn in a month.

It’s also flexible, in more ways than just the obvious. Stars may work one weekend a month, and spend the rest of the time socialising, going to the gym and holidaying.

“In straight porn, the guys might only make a couple of hundred bucks,” says David. “The motivations are seen as different, that they want to do it anyway. The financial aspect isn’t there unless you’re a name.”

Plus, most heterosexual porn focuses on women’s bodies, with the plethora of lesbian scenes performed by straight female actors seen as far less controversial.

For some heterosexual gay porn stars, there’s also an element of curiosity, David’s documentary reveals.

They can explore their sexuality while justifying it as simply a way to earn money. The director thinks that logic requires some “mental gymnastics”. Anyone questioning their identity might be safer doing it away from a camera, particularly in the age of the internet.

Others are relaxed about being on a spectrum. They’re exhibitionists who enjoy the attention and like creating a fanbase.

“For many of them, they’re in otherwise monogamous relationships with women who support or even encourage that they do this,” adds David.

Documentary director Charlie David asks whether the reason gay porn audiences fetishise hypermasculinity is because of internalised

So why are so many gay men watching? “Are we being fed something,” asks David. “Or is that where the hunger is?”

He believes the genre’s popularity suggests an “internalised homophobia” in the gay community, where men who talk and act in a feminine manner are a turn-off.

David also thinks it’s surprising because the gay community is always trying to fight the stereotype that homosexual men are chasing straight men or trying to “convert” them.

Porn star Eddie Stone, a genuine gay actor, says he was intrigued at the opportunity to have sex with straight men, but found it was much the same as doing a scene with another gay man.

Unlike many of the heterosexual gay porn stars in the documentary, he doesn’t believe any 100 per cent straight man would have sex with another man on camera.

He also thinks the market is here to stay. “Gay men like to see a man who identifies as straight, so is off limits, naked and having sex with a man. It’s a taboo, the unattainable,” he said.

“The gay community loves watching straight men in gay porn.”

But when the roles dry up, it’s unclear what comes next for a gay porn

You can go into the production side, get more extreme or quit, with your photo all over the internet for

Most gay porn stars are aged from 18 to the early 30s. After that, some will successfully make the move to the business side of the industry, but others find themselves lost as the work dries up.

“These guys are a product,” says David. “They can be overexposed and people lose interest, you’re last season’s fashion.

“Then what do you do? Your image is out there, where do you transition to? It does put a limit on your career trajectory.”

The 36-year-old found most straight men in gay porn describe a similar progression, from solo scenes, to blow jobs and hand jobs with another man, to sex as a “top” and then all types of sex scenes. With each level, actors are rewarded with a major bump in their pay.

But David warns there’s “the other side of the ladder,” when you’re no longer hot property and your earnings start to disintegrate. “You can either do wilder, more fetishised and outlandish things to maintain your salary, or go down.”

For many, there’s also a psychological and emotional toll. “I think it would be very challenging for anyone to do this kind of work without reflection,” says David.

That was certainly true for Curtis. Once he “got used to the feeling” he began liking it, and that made him question his sexuality.

“There was a lot of confusion going on in my head,” he says. “I thought I might be gay for enjoying it. I realised the feeling is everybody, all men enjoy prostate stimulation. I went from thinking I was gay to being bisexual. Really it’s just I’m straight, I like the prostate stimulation part of it and that’s pretty much all there is to it.

“I don’t find men attractive, I don’t get into relationships, I like women. But coming out here to have gay sex is not a bad thing to get paid for.

“I would classify myself as being straight but enjoying gay sex.”

Why straight men are going ‘gay for pay’ on camera

The best gay sex positions: How do gay men have sex?

As anyone who’s ever had gay sex, thought about gay sex or watched gay sex will know there are endless combinations possible gay sex positions. But where to start? What feels best? How do you gay men have sex?

This guide to the four most accessible – and we reckon most pleasurable – gay sex positions will help get you started.

Before we get stuck into how to stick it in, we’d always condone safer sex and recommend you read our guide to PrEP, and always use condoms when having sex.

Many Straight Men Have Gay Sex

Nearly 10% of Self-Proclaimed ‚Straight‘ Men Only Have Sex With Men

Sept. 18, 2006 — Nearly one in 10 men who say they’re straight have sex only with other men, a New York City survey finds.

And 70% of those straight-identified men having sex with men are married.

In fact, 10% of all married men in this survey report same-sex behavior during the past year.

This means safe-sex messages aimed at straight and gay men are likely missing this important subgroup, suggest Preeti Pathela, DrPH, New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, and colleagues.

„To reduce the burden of sexually transmitted diseases and HIV infection among men who have sex with men, it is of utmost importance for [health care] providers to take a sexual history that ascertains the sex of a partner,“ Pathela and colleagues report. „Asking about a patient’s sexual identity will not adequately assess his risk.“

The 10 Best Bedrooms Positions for Getting It On With Another Guy

If you’re single, how do you prevent awkward and boring sex from ruining chemistry with that really cute guy from Grindr?

If you’re in a longterm relationship, how do you keep the sex fun and exciting with each anniversary? Even the most seasoned casanovas need to know their fair share of sex positions to keep things interesting between the sheets, which is why we’ve put together this handy (and illustrated) guide to the best gay ones.

Before we get started, it’s important to establish some gay sex ground rules:

Now that we’ve got that covered, it’s time to learn more about the best gay sex positions.

11 Reasons Every Straight Man Should Try Bottoming

I’m gay because I love men. I’m a bottom because I love anal. While these two things are not mutually exclusive, one does not automatically predict or determine the other. My evidence: Gay total tops exist, and there are (many) straight men in the world who love getting fingered, pegged, and played with — in the butt.

To my straight male brothers: Regardless if you’re straight, gay, or bisexual, you can still enjoy a wonderful thing called ass play (often styled as “assplay” in the gay lexicon). In fact, more and more straight men are. You’re not alone! 

A Word of Warning From Writer Alexander Cheves

My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.

Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.

For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.

2. “Bottoming” doesn’t just mean getting fucked by a penis.

Many, many guys like anal play — and not all of them are gay or bi. All asses feel the same, regardless of your sexual orientation, which means they can all receive the same pleasure.

There are multiple ways to try bottoming. “Bottoming” doesn’t just mean “getting fucked by a penis.” Some guys like prostate stimulation toys, others like butt plugs, others like getting fingered, and some straight guys, believe it or not, love more extreme toys like depth toys, vibrating eggs, and XL dildos. You can do a lot of anal play solo or with a (willing, adventurous, awesome) playmate. 

8. Unconventional sexual interests make you more interesting.

Some people are intimidatingly confident in their sexuality. They know what they like and they don’t apologize for it. Those people are what I call “sexy.”

Discovering you like something different, whether it’s bottoming, getting kinky, being dominant, enjoying bondage, or exploring submission can be very sexually liberating. Sexual liberation — freedom from the tyranny of religion and social constructs and all the ways we’ve been taught to behave in bed — is the goal of everything I write and something I wish for everyone, gay and straight.

If you’ve ever had an anal craving or even thought about trying it, do it. Explore the stuff that turns you on — safely, with proper knowledge and a willingness to learn. As long as you explore your interests in a safe, sane, consensual manner, you’re free to do what you want — and you should. 

9. Exploring anal will help you understand your gay and bi brothers.

Anal sex is always the subject my straight buddies want to talk to me about. I’ve never understood it. I rarely ask about their sex lives unless they’re asking me for advice, but they quite frequently ask me about mine. Most people know that I’m pretty forthcoming with my sex life, and sometimes I wonder if it titillates them a little bit. I hope it encourages them to try the things they want to try.

Anal sex isn’t the whole of my sex life, but it constitutes a big part of it. It is as natural to me as vaginal sex is for others. I can’t imagine going a lifetime without butt sex, just as I imagine some men go a lifetime without ever having anal sex. That’s baffling to me.

If you want to feel what I feel, there’s only one way to try. Lube up. 

Considering popping the cherry? Read this first.

Sex between men is a beautiful, passionate, awesome thing. It’s also a difficult thing to do when you’re starting off. Do you want to try anal sex? Do you want to kiss, suck, rub, or touch? What do you try first? Where do you begin? How do you keep yourself safe from sexually transmitted infections? These questions and more are covered here.

It’s OK to be scared or nervous. Everyone is. Keep reading for 21 things to know before losing your gay virginity.

A word of warning from Alex Cheves.

My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.

Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.

For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.

Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend

10 Reasons Every Gay Man Should Try a Throuple Once

A throuple (portmanteau of the words threesome and couple) is a three-person relationship. All three people in the relationship love and care for one another equally. Throuples can be open (meaning you also are sleeping with people outside of the throuple) or closed (meaning it’s just you and your two hubbies).

I am under the firm impression that every queer man should try a throuple at least once (either open or closed), and here’s why:

7. Your family triples

So this is good and bad… Thanksgiving dinners may get complicated, and surely, there will be some family drama when you bring your two men home. (Not only is he gay, he has TWO boyfriends!) But hey, it’s worth it. And if you’re someone like me who loves your extended family, it’ll be great to have more in-laws.

9. You have an additional hand parenting

If you do decide to have children, you will have an additional parent to help raise the child. As any parent will tell you, having the additional help is always appreciated. (Also, imagine being a kid with three gay dads. Doesn’t that sound amazing?)

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During the coronavirus lockdown in the UK, the majority of gay and bisexual men have stopped having casual sex and two-thirds of PrEP users have interrupted PrEP, a survey has found. But a quarter have had some casual sex and there are indications that increasing numbers of men will hook up in the coming weeks.

The survey, on the sexual behaviours of hook-up app users during the lockdown, was conducted by the University of Westminster, the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine and others.

Its interim results come from 1386 gay or bisexual men who completed the survey between 17 April and 8 May; data from other participants, including trans and non-binary respondents, will be reported later. The sample was recruited through the gay hook-up app Grindr, social media, the researchers’ networks, and community organisations.

Anal sex positions

Most of these gay sex positions are anal sex positions, but there are some non-penetrative sexual positions at the end too.

If you’re after more anal sex reading, here’s another general guide on how to have anal sex that covers douching, communication, lube and some other stuff.

Top, bottom or versatile?

We’re going to look at gay sex positions from the point of view of a top and a bottom.

If you’re versatile (and we encourage you all to be), lucky you, you can do both. In some gay sex positions the top leads the action, and in some the bottom takes the lead.

Interested in finding out why some guys are top and some are bottom? Here’s a scientific study from 2017 that talks about it.

Try the gay missionary position first

This gay sex position may sound boring, but it’s not, we promise. It’s one of the easiest positions for a top, and not especially difficult for a bottom.

During gay sex, if you’re engaging in foreplay and sucking his cock while he’s laying down, keep licking, kissing and sucking as you move your mouth down towards his balls.

Then go further, toward his perineum (the bit between his balls and his ass) and then his butthole.

Bottom: if you’re enjoying this, give him a few moans and wriggle your asshole a bit closer to where his tongue is.

If he’s keen, keep eating his ass. Open his ass cheeks and get in there deep with your tongue. If you can, and body shapes and sizes depend on this, lift his ass up a bit.

Seeing eye to eye

The gay missionary position is good for maintaining eye contact and clear communication during anal sex.

You can penetrate your partner slowly and carefully, keeping an eye on the target. You can build up a momentum that you’re both comfortable with. And it’s easy to get back in if you slip out, because you can see everything clearly.

Now try riding a guy’s cock

If you’re new to getting f**ked, or nervous about taking a big dick, this gay sex position could be good for you, because as a bottom, you’ll have the control.

It’s a good one for gaining confidence when it comes to taking cock – if it starts to hurt, you can slow down, and lower yourself onto him at your own pace.

You need a certain amount of athleticism to be able to ride your man. You want to be going up and down, and slightly back and forth, at the same time. A bit like riding a horse.

If you’re bigger built than your top, or if you’re a bigger guy in general this one can be tricky as gravity is against you. Be careful not to crush the chap under you or he’ll be at risk of losing his erection.

Seth

Faceless dude hits me up on Jack’d telling me he likes what he sees, he loves “latino ass.” I’m actually not even latino (white and Japanese) but I get what he’s trying to say so I let it slide. He shows me a face pic and I’m stunned: ice blue eyes, perfect jawline — he’s gorgeous. It takes us several weeks to hook up because he can’t host. The night he can he texts me to come over and I do and I roll all the way over to his place in Adams Morgan. I’m thinking that he has to be gay because he’s using Jack’d, of all things, but when I ask him he tells me that he’s “mostly straight,” maybe bi, gets with guys sometimes for “relief.” Hmmm. Best sex I’ve ever had in my entire LIFE.

Dustin

I went to a boarding school in the Northeast and became good friends with my roommate Dustin. Cute but not like wow hot. He knew I was gay and I thought he was straight. I thought he was straight until he started asking me questions about what gay sex “was like” and if I was “the man” or “the woman.” I told him neither because the question is stupid. One night we hooked up because he told me he wanted to “try” gay sex, felt comfortable with me because we were friends and he knew I “wouldn’t tell.” It was okay, not great. Only happened once. The next day we both acted like it never happened.

Missionary

A classic position for straight couples, missionary is pretty common for gay partners as well. In this position, the bottom lies on his back with his legs spread apart in the air while the active partner lies on top so the couple is face-to-face. Penetration from this angle allows for intimate eye contact and kissing, and the bottom can wrap his legs around the top to anchor thrusting. While not necessarily the kinkiest position, missionary is great for more inexperienced or vanilla couples. If you slip a pillow under the small of the bottom’s back for extra support, they can lay comfortably without having to strain to keep their legs in the air.

Doggy Style

Another classic gay sex position is doggy style. While potentially less intimate than missionary, doggy style allows you and your partner to explore each other in a new way. Doggy style really puts the top in control, so it’s the perfect position for more dominant tops and submissive bottoms. In doggy style, the bottom gets on all fours while the top kneels behind him. Holding on to the bottom’s hips for support, the top enters the bottom from behind. Penetration from this angle can feel harder and deeper for bottoms, and doggy style can be better for prostate stimulation for some men. Doggy style is good for couples of all experience levels, but it can require extra stamina from tops.

Cowboy

For couples with more dominate bottoms and tops who like to take it easy, cowboy is the ideal gay sex position. In the cowboy position, the top sits or lies back while the bottom straddles him across his pelvis facing forward, either in a kneel or squatting position. The cowboy position gives the bottom control over penetration, which can help to achieve prostate stimulation. The top can also thrust into the bottom from this position, shifting the dynamic between dominate and submissive partner. Cowboy is a good position for couples of all experience levels, but bottoms should be prepared for a workout.

RELATED: The Best Gay And LGBTQ-Friendly Dating Sites

The Bodyguard

If the traditional horizontal positions have lost their excitement, try a standing position. Standing positions allow both partners an increased range of motion compared to horizontal positions—you can move together, or one can remain still while the other establishes and varies the rhythm. The most classic standing position, sometimes known as “the bodyguard,” is when the bottom faces away from the top and the top enters from behind. For anchorage, the bottom should hold onto a nearby wall, table, or other surface. Because the bodyguard position is more accommodating in small spaces or in the outdoors, they’re great for more adventurous couples who want to take sex out of the bedroom.

Pirate’s Bounty

The flashy name may make this position sound more complicated than it is, but the pirate’s bounty is a must-have in any gay sex wheelhouse. In this position, the bottom lies down his back, shifting his pelvis so that one leg is down and the other is up in the air. The active partner kneels, facing the bottom, and puts the bottom’s elevate leg on his shoulder as he enters him. This angle allows for a deep penetration. If the bottom is flexible, the top can push the elevated leg towards the bottom’s head for an even deeper and more intimate experience.

Spooning

Spooning is one of the most intimate gay sex positions. Both partners lay on their sides, the top on the outside as the “big spoon.” The top enters the bottom from behind, with the bottom’s top leg elevated to allow for entry. For an extra deep penetration, the top can hook his elbow under the bottom’s elevated knee for easier access. This position involves a lot of close body contact, making it a great option for couples looking for an intimate and sensual sexual encounter.

Suspended Congress

For the more adventurous and active gay couples out there, suspended congress is an exciting and erotic challenge. This position is designed to get you out of bed and work on your cardio too. In this position, the top stands and picks up the bottom, who wraps his arms around the top’s neck for support. The top then enters the bottom from this position, holding the bottom’s thighs in his arms to support the bottom’s hips against his pelvis. For extra support while thrusting, put the bottom’s back against a wall or other solid structure. For more fit couple, try a free-standing suspended congress for a real full-body workout.

Arch

While not necessarily the ideal position for less experienced bottoms, the arch position is great for gay couples looking to explore sex from a new perspective. To get into the arch position, bottoms lay face up and lifts his hips upward, while keeping his feet and the back of his neck planted on the floor. The top kneels facing the bottom, entering him by placing his pelvis underneath the bottom’s raised hips. This position requires some serious back flexibility in terms of the bottom’s role, which is why it’s not recommended for the inexperienced, but this angle of penetration can be intensely stimulating and pleasurable for both tops and bottoms.

THE BASICS

In terms of pure numbers, we know that the vast majority of those who have gay sex identify as straight — and this is true for both women and men. I’ve written about some of these women and men who, if given a choice on questionnaires, identify as mostly straight rather than exclusively straight (Savin-Williams, 2017). In addition, some men, especially in rural areas, have “bud-sex” or “dude-sex” for a variety of reasons.

But this is only part of the story, as Kuperberg and Walker recently discovered. Using a large sample of college students (N > 24,000), they specifically focused on those who reported that they are straight, and yet their last sexual experience was with a same-sex person. Their goal in assessing the reasons for this non-straight behavior among heterosexual women and men was to explore sex experimentation, performative bisexuality (that is, engaging in social hookups to attract opposite-sex others), and fraternity or sorority parties or hazing rituals. Were participants drunk or high? Were they heterosexist or homophobic? Were they politically or religiously conservative or liberal? Were they sexually assaulted?

They found six types of straight individuals whose last sexual encounter was with a same-sex other.

These individuals tended to engage in gay sex in private encounters, with some appearing to be in early phases of “coming out” as not straight. They were sexually and politically liberal, enjoyed the experience, and wanted more such encounters, especially with the same person. Some engaged in penetrative vaginal or anal sex with a same-sex peer and many reported previous same-sex encounters.

By contrast, young adults in this type were having their first same-sex hookup, usually in the context of binge-drinking. They considered themselves to be politically liberal (especially in terms of premarital and consensual sex) and did not know their sexual partner. Unlike the first group, they didn’t particularly enjoy the experience and had little intention of repeating it.

These individuals were the least likely to enjoy the sexual encounter. Most were frequently inebriated during their hookups. Sex rarely went beyond kissing and groping, and most knew their partner. There were few individuals in this type.

Only women were in this type, many of whom were college freshmen at a public social event (a party). They were binge-drinking and had no prior same-sex experience. Sex usually consisted of kissing and groping breasts or buttocks. Few were interested in future such encounters — though they did enjoy the experience. All described themselves as politically liberal and not religious.

These were mostly women who enjoyed the same-sex hookup, but were also very religious. Though they loved the sexual experience and wanted to have a future relationship with the person, they had mixed attitudes toward homosexuality and premarital sex. Most were freshmen, were not drinking at the time, had no prior same-sex experience, and were religious.

This class consisted of a small group of men who tended to be high in heterosexism and were the most likely to say religion informed their views about sexuality. Hence, they believed that homosexual relations were almost always wrong and described their politics as conservative. They seldom enjoyed the hookup and did not want to pursue a future relationship with their partner.

Because only four sexual orientation options were given to students — heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, and don’t know — perhaps many of these individuals were misplaced in the straight category. My guess is that in reality many are mostly straight, queer, pansexual, or fluid and selected “heterosexual,” because it was merely the closest to how they view themselves.

Clearly, many young adults undergo considerable sexual fluctuations or question their sexuality during this time. Very likely, the „Wanting More“ type are likely to identify as „not straight“ sometime in the future. It is unfortunate that the survey did not give them more options or present sexuality as a continuum rather than as categorical (I believe the authors would agree with me on this; they used pre-existing datasets). My heart goes out to these individuals, but I believe they’ll do fine.

A more difficult future will likely befall the „Loved It, But Religious“ as they face considerable angst while they negotiate their sexuality with their religious beliefs. My biggest fear, however, is the future behavior of men in the „Just Not Who I Can Be“ group. Are these the men who will become vigilantes with anti-gay rhetoric, and who will use either their conservative religious or political beliefs to justify their behavior?

I do not believe that this need be their future. If we lived in a culture in which having some degree of same-sex sexuality did not imply that you thus had to be the “dreaded” lesbian, gay, or bisexual, it would be easier for individuals who struggle or can’t decide their sexuality to be true to their authentic self. Would this help them to curb their animosity toward homosexuality and let them accept their same-sex sexuality without feeling stigmatized? Maybe we could put to rest our cultural cravings for sexual identity labels — for everyone’s benefit.

And, let’s not forget those who simply engage in same-sex activities because they want to, because they enjoy them, and because they are meaningless statements about their sexuality. They too should be appreciated.

Kuperberg, A., & Walker, A. M. (2018). Heterosexual college students who hookup with same-sex partners. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47, 1387-1403. doi: 10.1007/s10508-018-1194-7

Savin-Williams, R. C. (2017). Mostly straight: Sexual fluidity among men. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

What does gay chastity mean, and what’s the difference between a chastity belt and chastity cage?

transgender

An umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or gender expression differs from the sex they were assigned at birth.

The gay and bisexual respondents were predominantly white (85%) and had a mean age of 36. Around 12% were diagnosed with HIV.

Almost a third were living on their own during lockdown. One-fifth were living with parents or family members, a fifth with a romantic partner and almost a quarter with housemates.

While two-thirds were single, 8% reported being in a monogamous relationship, 16% in an open relationship and 8% said that their relationship status “is complicated”. Almost 60% of respondents with a main sexual partner said that they had been unable to be with that partner since social distancing started in March.

During the lockdown 24% had had casual sex. For half of these men, it had been with one partner only, although there were 5% of the sample who had had more than five casual partners. Loneliness and a need for intimate physical contact were important reasons for having sex.

Asked for how long they would be able to refrain from having casual sex because of the coronavirus, 57% thought this could be for up to six months. Around 10% said that they thought they would be able to refrain for up to four weeks and 30% for up to three months. As restrictions were first put in place around three months ago, this suggests that the number of men hooking up (and needing sexual health services) may soon increase.

Thirty per cent of respondents took PrEP before the coronavirus outbreak and, of these, two-thirds had interrupted their regular PrEP use. The most common reason for PrEP interruption was not having sex during this time – two-thirds of PrEP interrupters said this. Inability to access PrEP was uncommon: less than 5% of respondents were unable to access PrEP from their usual IMPACT trial clinic and less than 5% reported issues with accessing PrEP online.

Twelve per cent reported having accessed STI testing since social distancing measures were introduced. About a quarter tested in a clinic, whilst almost three-quarters used remote testing such as self-sampling or self-testing. Respondents used a range of methods to get test results and any necessary treatments (in person, by post, phone or video call, etc.).

Access to coronavirus testing was more problematic – while 14% of respondents thought they had been infected, less than 2% of respondents had been able to test for the virus.

Although current public health guidelines make it illegal to have sex at home with a casual partner, the survey findings suggest that the demand for sexual health services is likely to increase in the coming weeks.

“As social restrictions ease, it is highly likely that increasing numbers of men who have sex with men will re-initiate sexual activity with casual partners,” Dr Charlie Witzel of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine commented. “Our research shows we’re nearing the time-point when many felt their ability to abstain would decrease. Criminalisation of sex, while being unenforceable practically, may also prevent people from accessing sexual health care during the pandemic.”

“The data indicates that, during the first six-weeks of lockdown, access to PrEP was an issue for only a minority of current PrEP users,” commented Dr Will Nutland of PrEPster. “It might be argued that this would increasingly be a concern as lockdown continues and as individuals’ supplies of PrEP were used up. However, the gradual re-opening of sexual health services and PrEP services into June, and the lifting of delays of online deliveries of PrEP from overseas, mean that PrEP access might not be the major problem that was originally voiced”.

Continued

In nearly every study of sexual behavior, the percentage of men who report sex with men is higher than the percentage of men who report being gay.

So Pathela and colleagues first asked the men if they were bisexual, gay, or straight. Then they asked about specific sexual behaviors.

Also, a man who says he is straight but is having sex with other men is more likely to be married than a straight man who has sex with women, according to the survey. Only 54% of the men who say they’re straight and have sex with women are married, compared with the 70% marriage rate among the men who say they’re straight but have sex with men.

Continued

Pathela and colleagues note that because they report fewer STDs and fewer sex partners than gay men, straight-identified men who have sex with men may think they are at lower risk of HIV and STDs. This isn’t necessarily so.

The men with whom these straight-identified men have sex may themselves have multiple sex partners and elevated STD and HIV risk. The low rate of condom use makes the straight-identified men vulnerable.

„Prevention messages should focus on the activities that pose risk — for example, unprotected receptive anal sex — and should not be framed to appeal solely to gay-identified men,“ Pathela and colleagues suggest.

The findings appear in the Sept. 19 issue of the Annals of Internal Medicine.