The Best Gay Relationship Tips For Online Dating

Are you looking for the gay partner of your dreams? Considering the numerous challenges of the real-life dating world, most homosexuals face difficulties in finding a suitable mate. Nevertheless, the online gay dating world has proven to provide endless opportunities for men to meet either casual or long-term partners. This journey begins with becoming a member of a reputable dating site and creating a profile that describes you in the best possible light.

In order to succeed in this endeavor, you’re expected to be patient, cautious, and open to following tips will help you choose the right partner for starting a gay relationship.

How to Have a Gay or Lesbian Relationship

wikiHow is a “wiki,” similar to Wikipedia, which means that many of our articles are co-written by multiple authors. To create this article, 41 people, some anonymous, worked to edit and improve it over time. This article has been viewed 431,734 times. Learn more…

Entering into a gay relationship is much the same as entering into any relationship. Two people meet and get to know each other. Some things never change, even if the partners are of the same gender.

How to Have a Gay or Lesbian Relationship

Gay Relationship Mistakes All Couples Should Avoid

By Rick Clemons for Before I open my mouth and insert my foot, before I get all you gay guys worked into a tizzy, I have to say: I don’t think there is any such thing as an irreparable mistake. I also believe that everything happens for a purpose. From the perspective of my own designer gay bifocals, mistakes are actually fabulous lessons we’ve been given so that we can better see the purpose in our lives! Too much? OK, well, if you’re not into personal development, leave us cool kids here to talk about…

10 Gay Relationship Mistakes Open Relationships. Define „open“! How you and your guy define having an „open gay relationship,“ determines whether you and your guy screw it up royally or masterfully make things work. It’s all about boundaries and agreements, both of which need to be checked and discussed about every 3-6 months. The mistake? No boundaries, no agreements, no relationship… period! Next!

To cling or not to cling. Nothing’s more embarrassing than having a trail of toilet paper clinging to your sneaker as you walk out of the men’s locker room into the free weights area at the gym. No, that’s not true. It’s actually more embarrassing to be too clingy or not clingy enough in your gay relationship. Admittedly, getting a gay guy to commit is tough, or so they say. What’s harder than that is the „cling on“ effect. The mistake? Not finding balance between „to cling, or not to cling.“

Saying something, meaning nothing. If you’re confused by this concept, then you’re a victim of this syndrome. Your gay relationship is on thin ice if you’re communicating by assuming you said something clearly and later finding that what you said actually meant nothing! Hello, it’s time for „Gay Relationship Rescue Plan Numero Uno“: speak to communicate, listen to learn, and validate what you think you heard. The mistake? Assuming what you said is what your guy heard. And no, earwax removal isn’t going to help the matter.

Remaining in your gay relationship because it’s comfortable. Here’s a little secret that we’ll keep just between us boys! No matter how much money he has, available party favors, „to die for sex,“ or the size of his loft apartment on 5th the relationship sucks, it sucks. It’s a false sense of comfort to believe „If I leave, I’ll be single and that’s bad.“ Yes, you’ll end up single and without his money, or the party favors, or the great sex. But you might actually be happier, and isn’t that what you’re really after? The mistake? Creating a false sense of comfort; believing you need others to feel „worthy“ when all you need is love… self-love, to be exact.

No hall passes allowed. Remember how you feared ahem, „having an accident“ because Ms. Applebaum wouldn’t give you the hall pass until you calculated the square root of 64 or recited the Gettysburg Address? Well, you just might find yourself with the bathroom all to yourself if you and your partner give each other hall passes. You should both feel free to do your own thing with your own group of friends, but don’t make things more complicated than they have to be. The mistake? Sucking the life out of your gay relationship with a one-way train ticket to „Distrustville.“ Distrust me once, shame on you. Distrust me twice, see ya!

Separate lives. I’ve never quite understood gay relationships in which the partners are in a serious, committed relationship but don’t live together. I’m not advocating first date, U-Haul truck, move-in immediately, white picket fence warp-speed relationships, and I also understand that sometimes, things get in the way, like the question of „How would I hook up with other people if we’re living together?“ If that’s your priority, maybe it’s time to rethink this whole „relationship“ thing. The mistake? If you can’t live with your man, what other relationships in your life aren’t you able to live with? How you do anything is how you do everything!

It’s just to make friends. Apps have overtaken all of our lives. I personally can’t live without the app that warns me there are only four squares of toilet paper left on the roll; it sure saves me from some awkward moments. I also hear of more and more gay men, me included, who use gay-specific apps like Grindr, Scruff, and the likes, for making friends and networking. Honestly. The mistake? Not calling a spade a spade. If you can’t be fully honest in your gay relationship about your app fetish, then your gay relationship won’t be honest with you!

Regular testing. Trust me, as someone who’s been in my gay relationship for over 12 years, I know the value of being tested regularly — and so does my man. Every healthy gay relationship gets tested… otherwise it wouldn’t be a healthy gay relationship. We push buttons, ignore needs, and think we’re the only one not getting the attention we desire. The mistake? Assuming your gay relationship is above being tested. Test, test, test or the relationship could go to rest. Of course, test out of love for yourself, for him, and for the good of the relationship.

Avoiding money talks. Just because we’re gay, it doesn’t mean we’re immune from having „money talks“. If you can’t talk about the big stuff, then the rest of the talks are just kinda fluff. Not that money is everything, but when you start analyzing the water bill based on who was home more on which days of the month, it might be time to have a real conversation. The mistake? Nickel and diming each other’s spending habits in our heads, rather than banking on the fact that a real conversation about the state of the finances could lead to more cash in the love bank!

Zipping it about sex! Shhh; let’s not talk about sex. Really? Gay men are supposed to be the kings of sex. Talking about sex seems to be everyone’s hangup, even in a gay relationship. The mistake? What doesn’t get talked about doesn’t get done… how much fun is that? (Answer: not very).

I’m quite sure you have your own list of „mistakes“ made, anticipate making, or refuse to admit you’ve made, in your trail of gay relationships. But remember that there are no mistakes: only purposeful lessons we all learn as we live, learn and grow. Now go find your man, give him a big, old smooch, slap him on his adorable butt, and tell him you love him. He may wonder what’s gotten into you, but he’ll also definitely feel good to know that he still turns your crank. Hop to it!

Ready to take your gay relationship to a whole new level of intimacy? Learn more here.

Terrible And Hilarious Lesbian Stereotypes That Just Won’t DieThis article originally appeared on „Top 10 Gay Relationship Mistakes That Keep You From Your Man

Gay Relationship Mistakes All Couples Should Avoid

17 Tips for Being a Better Top

Here’s sex advice for gay and bisexual men who want to be on top of their game.

Let me state this at the beginning: I am a bottom. A marathon-sex, Preparation-H, take-dick-like-a-champ bottom. I tend to outlast tops. Ten tops looking for a bottom? No problem.

Why, then, am I writing this article? Because there is no one better to ask about topping than a bottom. And although we generally present these sex roles as fixed, here is an unavoidable truth that most gay men of a certain age will tell you: Even if you start off batting for one team or another, most of us become versatile over time.

Sure, there are a few lifelong total tops out there, but many gay men begin to see the silliness of closing ourselves off to an entire half of the sodomy experience. I have found myself in an increasing number of situations where I want to make the men I like feel good. This means rising to the occasion — literally — and topping them.

Most tops could use a lesson on how to top better, and most self-identified bottoms will at some point be at the altar of his ass, ready to worship but unsure of what to do. Whichever way you lean, browse my 17 tips on how to be a better, beastly top.

My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely on my own experiences. As with everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.

Those who are sensitive regarding frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that addresses sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.

For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions for sex and dating topics in the comments.

Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter @BadAlexCheves and visit my blog, The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend.

A boy butt is so much more than a hole you stick stuff into. Good bottoms know this. Many tops do not.

Many guys envision the butt as a tight, squishy chute — an organic masturbation sleeve. But the ass is more of a tight, squishy chamber with dimensions and curvatures that vary slightly from man to man. There is a definite curve to it, and the first chamber leads to another chamber, which leads to the small intestine.

You probably know about the prostate, that hard little walnut halfway inside the ass that will be above or below your dick, depending on whether you’re fucking doggy-style or missionary, and which feels amazing when rubbed. But there’s more!

There is a bladder down there that you cannot ignore — feeling the need to pee halfway through sex is very common — and there is a very strong muscle called the anal spinchter, a circular muscle at the base of the colon (the “hole”) that clenches tight for most of our lives and opens and relaxes when we poop and when we take a dick.

The anal spinchter is one of the strongest muscles in the human body, and it will present the biggest challenge for new bottoms, as learning to relax this muscle on command takes practice.

There is lot down there, and a good lesson about how it all works, along with a general primer on how the body processes food and what triggers the digestion process, will help you navigate it better. Updating your mental list of bowel movement stimulants — drugs, coffee, the act of eating — will keep you aware of butt mechanics. Knowing where your dick is going is important.

The guy you are fucking is more aware of all this stuff than you are, because it’s his body, and he has probably cleaned out beforehand and has a clock running in his head of how long it will be before he might have to clean again.

The idea of being “loose” is something implicitly linked to shame. How many jokes have you heard about loose butts and the guys who reportedly have them?

It’s pretty cruel: You’re a new bottom and your ass is “tight,” meaning you have not learned how to train the anal spinchter to relax or open on command. Your tight ass might feel good for tops, but it makes sex more painful for you, and it will take you longer to get used to the feeling of getting fucked.

But you practice, and you get better. You use toys and learn ass-stretching techniques and practice with Ben Wa balls and kegel balls and butt plugs, and gradually you learn how to take dicks like a champ, which inevitably means learning how to open and close your hole (your anal spinchter) on command.

Then some asshole top comes along and says he doesn’t like loose bottoms — or worse, he calls your ass loose. He’s essentially shaming you for getting better at what you enjoy doing.

The idea that “loose” holes are weakened or overworked through too much sex is simply false. If you can train the spinchter to open on command, you can also close it, and this means the muscle is stronger now than before. Like any muscle, if you work it, it strengthens. Guys get called “loose” when they’ve learned how to flex — and have strengthened — a muscle.

If you have marathon sex and have been opening that muscle all night, it will get tired, and then it will open more easily, and you will start to feel loose — a feeling that can be hot for bottoms as for tops who like used holes (a fetish for many people). For some bottoms — myself included — this temporary, post-marathon-sex “loose” feeling is part of the fun, as is the act of nursing your wrecked hole the next day. It is erotic on a different level that fist pigs and toy pigs can understand. But even at this point, I would not appreciate being called “loose” in a derogatory manner, because there is nothing shameful about bottoming all night.

Honestly, if a guy’s sex skills are so poor that he needs a tight, novice ass to get pleasure out of sex, that’s his problem, not mine.

Many tops simply don’t know how to fuck. They think sex is about sticking their dicks in and pounding like a machine.

Unless the guy you are fucking is looking for that kind of sex, he will probably tell you to slow down or stop.

The spinchter’s natural state is being closed tight, which means you have to go slow at first while he gets used to it. Once he relaxes and gets comfortable and starts to enjoy your cock, only then you can get a little rougher.

As with fisting, the best way to help a guy’s ass relax is with a gentle, steady, in-and-out rhythm. He will tell you how slow to go, and you will know when you can speed up — his body will relax and his hole will automatically open. When this happens, that doesn’t mean you can immediately start jackhammering, but it does mean that you can add in a few harder, faster thrusts between slower, gentler ones and see how he responds to them.

If you are fucking doggy-style and he likes it and starts backing up into you, you can increase your speed. If you’re fucking him missionary-style and he nods or pulls his legs back or grabs your hips or your back and pulls you into him, you’re good to go.

A few weeks ago, I was preparing for a hookup. Right before I hopped in the shower to clean out my ass, the top messaged me: “Make sure you clean that ass really good. I don’t like dirty butts.”

I don’t particularly like the word “dirty” to imply the presence of shit, which is something the ass naturally produces and not something to be feared. “Dirty” implies shame, and there’s nothing shameful about the way the body functions. But most guys, including myself, will not bristle up at the word’s use. Most of the time it is said without judgment.

This being said, do not tell your bottom to clean out well. Saying that will only add to his nervousness about being clean. Unless he has expressed that he’s into shit, it is generally assumed that he will have to clean before you guys play — unless he is one of those mystifying and magical bottoms who knows when his ass is simply ready to go, no cleaning required.

When playtime comes, he will probably be anxious about the possibility that his ass isn’t spotless. You telling him to be spotless will only increase that anxiety and probably make your sex less enjoyable.

Good bottoms — as well as good tops — gradually learn to lose this fear. Yes, you can clean your ass thoroughly before play, but remember that the body is the body and the ass is the ass, and you are only able to control it to a certain degree.

You can manipulate its function through antidiarrhea pills and you can extend your ability to use it with poppers and drugs, but at some point the body will process waste and do what it needs to do. If you spend enough time in the butt, you are going to encounter evidence of that other function beyond delivering mind-blowing sensations that the butt performs.

If you’re fucking him and encounter some shit, don’t freak out. Responding with disgust or revulsion can really hurt his feelings. It’s an ass — it’s going to happen at some point.

Gently tell him about it, and together decide what to do. Either you will stop and let him clean out, or you will continue. Most bottoms will want to stop and clean, either because the sex has become uncomfortable or because they assume tops want to fuck a clean ass. If you do not care about shit, tell him so, and let him know that whatever he chooses to do, you’re into him — literally.

But unlike many bareback-only pigs who scoff at rubbers and refuse sex with guys who prefer them, I will play with someone who chooses this precaution — a long as two conditions are met: The condoms must be nonlatex polyisoprene (not lambskin, which does not prevent sexually transmitted infections) and we must use silicone lube.

These conditions exist for two reasons. One, I have a latex allergy, so nonlatex condoms are a must. Two, silicone lube is the slickest, most long-lasting lube you can buy, and will not dry up like water-based and hybrid lubes will. If you are interested in the wide range of different lubes you can use for sex, check out my 30 liquid assets every gay man should try.

I choose to only use silicone lube because condoms, regardless what they are made of, inevitably cause friction in the butt and will begin to wear. Silicone helps me go longer with a condom.

Let’s face a blunt fact: Sex with condoms is less comfortable than sex bare. For me as well as for many bottoms, it is harder to get fucked as long or as hard with a condom as without one. This being said, diligent condom use is unquestionably a safer sex practice. PrEP only prevents HIV transmission, and rates of other STIs are skyrocketing among gay men. If anyone shames you for using condoms, they’re an idiot. One’s sex practices are a personal decision, and no one should pressure you to do something you do not want to do.

But when the condom starts to wear and your bottom needs a break — either to replenish lube or change the condom — do not get frustrated.

Experienced bottoms will tell you that a top with less endowment who knows how to fuck well is way better than a well-endowed monster who does not.

The best lays of my life were with guys who weren’t massive but knew how to use what they had. They had confidence and charisma, and they loved being in my butt. Confidence and charisma will take you far — these characteristics are sexier than perhaps any other. The lesson I’ve learned from these tops as I have begun my own journey into topping is this: If you make it feel good for yourself, it’s going to feel good for him too.

There is a world of difference between a good rim job and a bad rim job. Some guys just dive in and start licking. This can be hot, but remember that saliva dries out skin, so if you repeat the same motion repeatedly, your rimming will begin to wear on him.

When I give a rim job, I make patterns that he can focus on as he gradually relaxes: stars, spirals, zigzags. I also vary up what kind of “tongue stroke” I deliver. Light, quick taps on the hole with the tip of your tongue will deliver one kind of sensation — a quivering, mind-blowing one — while deep, plunging thrusts where you try to stick your tongue in as far as it will go will deliver a very different one.

Blow on his hole. Remember that breath has different temperatures which will deliver different sensations. The breath you produce when you make a small O with your mouth and blow as if you are blowing out a candle will typically be cooler in temperature. The breath you make with an open mouth, from the back of the throat, will be warmer (think about when your hands are cold and you blow on them to warm them up).

The first kind of breath will probably make him tighten up as you give him a cool rush of air. The second kind of breath will typically make him open up. Just as with heat pads on muscle, skin naturally relaxes under warmth.

There is some debate among my friends about whether or not a good rim job involves teeth or not. I love teeth, just as I love the sudden, sharp prick of stubble on my hole. But I will admit that teeth, like stubble, should be used sparingly — once or twice, that’s it.

When used gently, teeth can be a totally different sensation on the hole. Unless your guy likes having his ass pucker, do not suck in when you press your teeth against his hole — this can be painful. Graze your front teeth against his hole gently, alternating between light “taps” with the tip of your tongue, then plunge deep. The result? Ecstasy.

Once you’re finally in his butt and he is relaxing and letting you in, now more than ever is the time to remember that variety is the spice of life. Good sex does not involve the same monotonous thrust, in and out, over and over. Good sex involves variety.

Pounding is when you’re literally just slamming your dick in his ass as fast as you can, which is phenomenal and mind-blowing for a bottom who wants it. When I’m ready for rough sex, I want to get railed and am looking for a top who will pound mercilessly.

If your guy is not ready for it — if he has not relaxed his ass to that point — pounding will simply not be an option.

Jackhammering is when you pull your dick all the way out — sometimes even completely out of the ass — then slam it all the way back in to the base. Note: This kind of thrust only comes after fucking for a while, once he has loosened up and is ready for rough sex.

The best sex is when you alternate between gentle, steady thrusts and quick, sudden, hard ones. The pace and rhythm of those gentle thrusts will depend on you and him and how your bodies move together.

There is no way to describe it, but once you both let go of that voice in your head telling you you’re doing a bad job — once you drop your fear of performing poorly and he drops his fear of being dirty — and allow your bodies to sync, magic happens.

When you are at that blissful point, vary things up. Give him a variety of different thrusts, from fast to slow, rough and gentle, hold it in for a few seconds and kiss him, pull it out for a few seconds and give him a break, then slide it all the way in to the base, then jackhammer, then pound, then go gentle, etc. etc. Varying it not only helps you keep from climaxing too quickly, but it also gives him necessary rests between points of intensity that will help him go longer.

No matter how much you’re enjoying it, it is your duty and responsibility as a good top to pull out on occasion and check for problems. Even if he is not showing any signs of pain, there can be blood on your dick, which can mean a minor or serious problem.

This is true especially if you’re pretty big. He might be in ecstasy, but he could be cut and bleeding on the inside. There is a point inside the anus at which there are no nerve endings, meaning someone can get injured past this point and not know it.

I have had unfortunate fucks with tops who only enjoy one position and one position only. They only do doggy-style or missionary.

Enjoying only one position will make your sex dull for both (or all) parties, and there is always the risk that the one position you like is one your bottom does not.

There are dozens of positions that are worth trying out. The best lays of my life have involved a variety of them. When you involve sex furniture and bondage furniture — slings, fuck tables, Saint Andrew’s crosses, etc. — an even greater number of positions become available. Get experimental and remember there are countless ways to put your dick in his butt.

I know a few tops who do not like toys because they worry their guys will enjoy toys more than sex. This is pretty silly; nothing quite replaces a cock, but toys can deliver a lot of different sensations that a dick simply cannot, and just as you can enjoy many different kinds of food, you can also enjoy many different sensations without preferring one over the rest.

A lot of fun can be had from sticking toys — plugs, dildos, balls, and other objects — in his butt. Watch his ass stretch around it, challenge him, coach him through it, tell him he’s doing a good job, and train his ass with him. Reward him when he takes it like a champ (kiss his hole, give him a quick lick). Allow toy play to become an awesome and intensely erotic part of your sex.

Toy play can be foreplay or post-sex play. I’ve done both, and both are erotic in different ways. Toys as foreplay get his ass loosened up and relaxed and ready for your cock. Using toys as post-sex play, while admittedly less common, is something I have enjoyed a few times.

I once had a great time with a top who admitted from the beginning that he reached orgasm quickly — and did. I thought I would be disappointed, but after he came, he spent an hour or two opening my ass with toys and playing in my hole — while I moaned in bliss.

Need ideas and inspiration on what toys to buy? Browse my list of 39 sex toys every gay man should try.

This is especially important for guys who are worried about reaching orgasm too quickly. Taking a break — halting your thrusts — while you’re still inside him will give him a rest and let him get used to your dick. It will also give you a chance to prolong your orgasm and extend your play.

Pornographers would have us believe that gay sex involves the most parsed-down expressions of pleasure — “Fuck,” “Yeah,” and “Fuck yeah” — but the reality is that great sex involves a lot of talking and listening.

Communicate with him, tell him what you like, and ask him what he likes. It is OK and actually quite necessary to do so. Talk to him about his body and let him know what feels good. If he’s doing something you like, tell him so. We can only learn about each other sexually through a small variety of communication methods. Talking is our most basic communication tool, and in such an intense activity as butt sex, communication is vital.

As foreplay, many tops like to warm up a guy’s butt and stretch him out with fingers. I cannot stress this enough: file your fingernails down. Forgetting to do so is inconsiderate and kind of irresponsible, since sharp fingernails can irritate and even tear the anal lining.

I’ve hooked up with guys who I even told beforehand that I like fingering, and when I got there, they hadn’t filed down their nails. Their surprise at me telling them to stop shows they have not thought things through, or perhaps they are not very experienced with gay sex in general, and my arousal diminishes.

If you want to use several fingers in his hole or finger him for a short length of time — or if you have fisting aspirations in your future — you should invest in gloves. I recommend buying nonlatex nitrile gloves, since you never know if the guy you invite to your apartment has a latex allergy (ahem).

If you simply hate topping, don’t top. This might mean turning down sex with sexy people, but if it isn’t something you enjoy, you cannot change that. There is no pressure in sex and never should be.

My favorite poem is “The Gas Station” by C. K. Williams. It is about one of the author’s first sexual experiences as a child. He and some friends wandered through Times Square and met a hooker who gave them all blow jobs for $10 apiece. He felt cruel afterwards, like he had mistreated someone, and as an adult, he reflected on how fortunate he was that sex came to him innocently, without cruelty or abuse, as it does for so many.

He mentions the words that, if you are lucky, should describe your first sexual encounters: complicity, wonder.

If you take nothing else away from this, remember that sex at its best is complicit and wondrous. You want to be two co-conspirators in a naughty game; you want to enter into sex acts willfully, with curiosity and as equals.

This means there is never any pressure to perform. If you are being pressured, you are with someone who you should not have sex with. If you want to bottom, bottom. If you want to top, top. If you are a bottom who suddenly wants to top, you should top, and if you’re a top who wants to bottom, bottom. If your sex partner is someone who does not encourage your best self — if he does not make you feel sexy and safe, and if he discourages you from doing what you want to do — find a different sex partner.

Even if you’re a bottom, make sure you are with guys who make you feel on top of your game.

17 Tips for Being a Better Top

17 Practical Gay Dating Tips for the New Age

One: Turn off your Grindr profile before the date begins, even if that’s where you found him. That little „pop“ sound while you give him flowers is a romantic buzz kill.

Two: You’re „Checking In“ at the restaurant where you’ve made dinner reservations? Seriously? Nothing like telling 5,000 Facebook friends the location of your intimate rendezvous.

Three: Do not „friend“ your date on Facebook before or after the initial meeting. If you’re not a good match (and dates are like new restaurants; about one in eight survive), you’re both going to share that awkward moment of „Do I un-friend him or keep reading about his ‚Why do I always meet losers?'“ updates.

Four: Even though gay men love to label everyone, they despise being labeled. So whether he’s a Bear, Twink, Twunk, Cub, Daddy, Dilf, Otter, Chub, Gym Rat, Gym Bunny, or any of the other zillion names we give one another, only address him in generic terms, like handsome, sexy, hung. If he’s 22 years old and wears glasses and weighs 108 pounds and says „for some reason people tend to think I’m a Twink,“ feign surprise and say „men are so into labels.“ Then help him lift his martini glass to his lips and move on.

Five: If you’re over thirty and at least four years older than your date, don’t be surprised if he calls you Daddy. Take it as a compliment; do not take it as a reason to pick up the check.

Six: Unless he can juggle or tap dance in bed, „versatile bottom“ means only one thing, so be prepared to take charge if things go well. If you’re lying when you call yourself a „versatile top,“ either call it quits now or start working on your oral communication skills.

Seven: If he insists on taking „important calls“ several times during your date, don’t automatically think he’s blowing you off. In today’s complicated world, he might be calling work, his sitter, or his ex-wife to see if she can pick up the kids. Chill out, and use the time to call your sponsor for encouragement.

Eight: In the old days, it was common, and common sense, to say that, if you sleep with someone, you are also sleeping with everyone he’s slept with. Nowadays, it’s common sense to remember that, if you sleep with someone who’s in a 12-Step program, you are also sleeping with everyone in his Home Group. Be prepared to be judged by all the members of the orgy.

Nine: If you’ve met the guy online and have never met in person, and if his entire chat so far has been about how amazingly hot you are and how amazingly much he’s into you and how he’s quite certain you’re the guy for him, he will hate you within 20 minutes of your date and you will never hear from him again. If you request an explanation, he will call you a stalker and block you from any social media sites you might share.

Ten: While it’s nice to have a grasp of current events and knowledge of local culture, it’s no longer a first-date pre-requisite. However, if you don’t have an immediate answer for „Do you want to get married?“ and „How many kids would you like to have?“ the date has just ended; don’t even bother to take your coat off.

Eleven: Contrary to popular belief, opinions are not like assholes, because in today’s gay world, assholes are glorious and sexy and displayed prominently in photos sent to you from potential suitors. Opinions on a date are more like your lesbian best friend: We know she’s important to you and we’re glad you have her, but we have no idea why you’d want to introduce us to her on a first meeting and turn the evening into a serious downer.

Twelve: If you do opt to discuss current events, avoid anything so controversial it will destroy potential chemistry, like Crimea, Obama’s job performance, or the relevance of HBO’s „Looking.“

Thirteen: Fashions change, so know the basics: No flip-flops, no shaving, and, even if it is after Memorial Day, absolutely no white underwear.

Fourteen: If you like the guy and want things to go well, put everything out on the table: HIV status, views on monogamy, and, for Florida residents, guns.

Fifteen: It’s a sign of a true gentleman if you walk him to his door and he says it’s too soon for you to come inside. It’s also more than likely a sign that he still lives with his on-again off-again ex.

Sixteen: If, in the heat of the moment, you do find yourself in bed together after the date, remember to keep the foreplay going for at least 30 minutes. This allows ample time for intimate kisses, exploring each other’s body, and for the Cialis to kick in.

Seventeen: Sadly, gay men are self-centered and narcissistic, so instead of talking about your abusive childhood upbringing and triumph over Legionnaires disease, read this piece over and over and out loud until I’m so happy I wet myself. We’re a match!

17 Practical Gay Dating Tips for the New Age

13 Things Gay Men in Healthy Relationships Do

„Relationships take work.“ I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard this trite adage, and I’m sure you’ve heard it dozens of times too. But as they also say, „It’s cliché for a reason.“

Relationships do require compromise, communication, and well, work. But if done correctly, the work should absolutely be worth it. That said, here are some tips for the work. More specifically, here are 13 things that gay men in healthy relationships do.

Communication. Communication. Communication. It’s the one thing that every single therapist says is crucial for any meaningful relationship to last. Be clear about what you need from him, knowing that what you need from him is different than what he needs from you. Be honest about your desire to have an open-relationship, instead of cheating. Be forthright. If you don’t feel you can be, then you shouldn’t be with him.

If you’re in a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t feel guilty about saying „no,“ to a request from your partner. You should never feel pressured to do something that you don’t want to do.  

It takes two to tango. If you’re a selfish lover (the one who always receives oral without giving) or the one that always tops when both of you are vers, then you’re just being a dick. I’m not even going to say that the relationship won’t work out, because it still might, but like, why are you being an asshole to the man you supposedly love?  

Men in relationships don’t hoard their boyfriends. They encourage them to have friends and hobbies outside of their relationship. You’ll notice that men who have been together for 20 years aren’t attached at the hip.  

This goes back to trust. I also feel like gay men are often more friendly with their exes than straight folks. This is because the gay social circle is small, so it would be tough/awkward to hate your ex if you’re going to see him everywhere. You should never forbid your partner from being friends with his exes. You need to trust him when he says they’re over and just friends. If you don’t, then that’s something you need to discuss with him.  

No one likes the idea of being vulnerable. It’s tough. What if he rejects you? What if he doesn’t like that side of you? What if he leaves you the moment you confess your darkest secret? You would be heartbroken. Devastated. Crushed. Still, you have to take that risk. (That said, don’t be vulnerable with everyone you meet right off the bat, but when you get to a place where you really like a guy, and see it going somewhere, then yeah, that’s when you should be opening up to him.)

I don’t mean to bring up gendered stereotypes, but we’re men. We check out guys. Guys check us out. It’s fine. Don’t freak out (as long as he’s not doing it all the damn time). In fact, I’d say you should check out hot guys together. That’s one of the perks of dating another man.

If you’re just chilling at home watching TV, then of course you can mess around on your phone. But when the two of you are out together, you’ll notice that men in healthy relationships aren’t looking at their phone every 10 seconds. They’re present in the moment with their partner.

This harkens back to communication. Men in relationships talk about issues as they come up. They don’t wait for a small issue to morph into a bigger one before they address it.

It’s so easy to compare yourself to your boyfriend. Who has the better body? Who makes more money? Who gets checked out by guys more often? You both will have different strengths and weaknesses. It’s GOOD that you’re dating someone who excels in different parts of their life than you do. That makes for a balanced couple.

SEX. You should be having it at least once a week (preferably a few times). For gay men who aren’t asexual, sex is the invisible glue that holds the relationship together.  

The more comfortable we get with our man, the more likely we are to stop having date nights. Work gets in the way. Or we’re tired. But if you talk to men who have been dating for decades, you’ll hear that they still do something special with their partner once a week.

I know it’s tacky to say this, but it’s so important. You don’t want to take your partner for granted. Neither do you want your husband to take you for granted. So it’s necessary to keep being romantic. To keep reminding yourself why you fell in love with him, and to keep the romance alive.

How to Find a Boyfriend When You Are Gay: 5 Useful Tips for Getting With a Decent Guy

One of the privileges of being gay is that hooking up is pretty easy. Sometimes the hard part can be finding someone who wants to cultivate some depth.

The dating scene can already be tough if you’re straight, but when you’re gay, it introduces a whole new level of complication! Finding a boyfriend when you’re gay can be a challenge since you can’t readily just walk up to a guy and hit on him in public and know for sure that he will also be gay.

Furthermore, even if you do hook up with a guy (which is extremely easy to do compared to our straight counterparts, I must admit), it’s a totally different ballgame when you’re talking about a steady boyfriend who you can date for a decent period of time.

The problem is that a lot of us in the LGBT community look for relationships in the wrong places! So if you’re looking to get together with someone for more than just a sweaty night of debauchery (maybe several sweaty nights?), check out these tips on how to find a boyfriend if you’re gay.

Here’s What’s Holding You Back from Getting a Gay Partner

As a life coach/counselor that specializes in gay relationship advice and teaching gay men how to get a gay partner. There’s almost always one theme that comes up in my office. Seriously, it doesn’t matter whether he’s Black, White, Asian, Tall, Short, fat, or Thin almost all of my clients ask me the same question!

Let us go over a few things I often see and then go over some useful gay relationship advice to help you get the man you deserve!

Tips for Gay Teens Who Want a Boyfriend

A lot of gay teens want to be in relationships and it is common for them to ask the question: „How can I get a boyfriend?“

For another teen, the problem has been holding different expectations than the guys he is meeting. 

These are just a few examples of guys looking for boyfriends taken from the many, many teens who have written into the LGBT site about wanting a relationship.

So what can these guys and others who want a boyfriend do about it? As you probably know, there is no „one-size-fits-all“ formula for finding a boyfriend. But there are some tips that can help the relationship-minded teen get his guy.

How To Build A Healthy Gay Relationship

There is a phenomenon known as the grass being greener on the other side of the fence, where people think that living in a different situation could make their life better.

Can that be said about homosexual relationships? While some people are still a tad unsure about the topic, as reported in a new Tendermeets article we live in a much more accepting society where it is not a crime to be gay, it is not even the taboo it used to be. With that in mind, we’ll look at various elements of these relationships to understand their similarities and differences to other relationships.

Related Reading: LGBT Or Otherwise, Love Is Love – Prince Manvendra Singh Gohil

Tips for same-sex relationships

When it comes to dating, same-sex relationships need work just like any other relationship. Even in a country such as SA that embraces diversity, some same sex-relationships, particularly those that are ‘coming out’, are faced with hurdles such as hiding their relationships from friends and family and fearing their reactions. Finding potential partners may also seem complicated when you’re coming out and you don’t know how to ask that girl out.

Chomas, there is a lot to deal with! With all this being said, many people in same sex relationships may forget to enjoy their relationships because of the fear of how society may react! Being in same-sex relationships may be perceived as difficult and unfamiliar for people, but they are actually not much different to any other relationship.

Here are some same-sex relationship tips which show that being in a same-sex relationship is just like being in any relationship.

12 Dating Tips for Gays with Anxiety

Half of being a queer millennial is being outraged, and the other half is being a nervous wreck. With Grindr, Instagays, and gay hook-up culture, it makes perfect sense that you can often feel a little anxious when it comes to dating. But fear not! You can—and should—still be dating and putting yourself out there!

Here are some dating tips for gay guys who have anxiety (coming from someone who used to have a shit-ton of it!). 

I think the biggest thing that helped me overcome my anxiety when it comes to dating is to embrace the fact that I was anxious. That it’s normal and healthy to be anxious. I used to judge myself for thinking the way I did. „I’m too smart to think this way. I know I’m jumping to the worst possible conclusion even though it’s highly unlikely that is (or will be) the case.“ The moment I was able to say, „Hey, I get anxious, and that’s okay,“ I was able to relax (a little) while dating.

Grindr can be your best friend or your worst enemy. If it’s exacerbating your anxiety (which might be the case with all the ghosting, racism, body-shaming, and blatant rudeness that occurs) then hop off of it. If it allows you a sense of security by messaging guys anonymously, and you like the options you have on there, then by all means, Grindr away.

In addition to being on sex apps, you should definitely be on apps more catered to dating, such as OkCupid or Tinder. Have honest, realistic profiles that give a sense of who you are, so you know that if a person starts messaging you (or responds to your initial message), it’s because they like what they’ve seen about you. 

Meeting up with someone who you know nothing about it can really be nerve-wrecking. I wouldn’t say go crazy with texting for weeks prior to meeting up, but I will say there’s no harm in texting back and forth a few days, getting a glimpse of his personality before you meet up IRL.

There’s a subtle difference, one that I think Tan, the style expert from the new Queer Eye, makes clear. Wearing something comfortable is wearing an old pair of sweats; wearing something that makes you feel confident is, well, whatever makes you confident. For me, it’s slim-fitting jeans, boots, and a black or white top.

I know this is more difficult for gay men than straight men because straight men can’t really compare their bodies to their girlfriends‘. Gay men, of course, can. There’s also the issue of who makes more money, who guys flirt with more, etc. It’s tough (really tough), but do your best not to compare yourself to the guys you’re dating. You will each have different strengths and weaknesses, and that’s a good thing! You wouldn’t want to date someone with the same strengths and weaknesses as yourself. 

If this is something you struggle with, odds are you’ve heard that you have a tendency to come off as cold or bitchy. (If you haven’t heard this, just ignore this tip.) Sometimes when we’re anxious, we give off closed body language, answer questions curtly, or have a resting bitch face. If this is the case, you need to be mindful AF, and snap out of it. Keep checking in with yourself.

I’m not saying you should get completely wrecked before going out to a bar or on a date, but a drink or two can definitely help you loosen up and relax. It just takes the top off.

There was a guy a few years ago that I really liked, but he was the worst texter. It drove me insane. I was always second guessing everything I messaged him. I was always initiating the hang out sessions. He was the worst communicator! (In hindsight, he may have just not liked me that much, but I digress.) Don’t drive yourself crazy. Be with someone who texts back, who’s open and shares. 

You don’t want to be needy, but you are entitled to ask for clarification or reassurance about your relationship. If you don’t say what’s on your mind, your thoughts will fester, only getting worse and worse. Find the balance between getting your needs/questions met and being needy. You can also just ask him if you’re being too much or to let you know if you’re anxiety/insecurities are really bothering him.

What scares you? What fears do you have? Worried he’ll find someone else and leave you? Worried you’re not worthy of love? Worried he’s going to cheat on you? Be honest with him about what makes you feel anxious and insecure.

Who knows you best? Your friends! They are the best tool you can use to help you alleviate your anxieties when it comes to dating. They’ll (hopefully) be both honest and kind to you. (If they’re not, get some new friends!) 

Top 10 Gay Relationship Mistakes That Keep You From Your Man

Before I open my mouth and insert my foot, before I get all you gay guys worked into a tizzy, I have to say: I don’t think there is any such thing as an irreparable mistake. I also believe that everything happens for a purpose. From the perspective of my own designer gay bifocals, mistakes are actually fabulous lessons we’ve been given so that we can better see the purpose in our lives! Too much? OK, well, if you’re not into personal development, leave us cool kids here to talk about…

Open Relationships. Define „open“! How you and your guy define having an „open gay relationship,“ determines whether you and your guy screw it up royally or masterfully make things work. It’s all about boundaries and agreements, both of which need to be checked and discussed about every 3-6 months. The mistake? No boundaries, no agreements, no relationship… period! Next!

To cling or not to cling. Nothing’s more embarrassing than having a trail of toilet paper clinging to your sneaker as you walk out of the men’s locker room into the free weights area at the gym. No, that’s not true. It’s actually more embarrassing to be too clingy or not clingy enough in your gay relationship. Admittedly, getting a gay guy to commit is tough, or so they say. What’s harder than that is the „cling on“ effect. The mistake? Not finding balance between „to cling, or not to cling“.

Saying something, meaning nothing. If you’re confused by this concept, then you’re a victim of this syndrome. Your gay relationship is on thin ice if you’re communicating by assuming you said something clearly and later finding that what you said actually meant nothing! Hello, it’s time for „Gay Relationship Rescue Plan Numero Uno“: speak to communicate, listen to learn, and validate what you think you heard. The mistake? Assuming what you said is what your guy heard. And no, earwax removal isn’t going to help the matter.

Remaining in your gay relationship because it’s comfortable. Here’s a little secret that we’ll keep just between us boys! No matter how much money he has, available party favors, „to die for sex“, or the size of his loft apartment on 5th Avenue… if the relationship sucks, it sucks. It’s a false sense of comfort to believe „If I leave, I’ll be single and that’s bad.“ Yes, you’ll end up single and without his money, or the party favors, or the great sex. But you might actually be happier, and isn’t that what you’re really after? The mistake? Creating a false sense of comfort; believing you need others to feel „worthy“ when all you need is love… self-love, to be exact.

No hall passes allowed. Remember how you feared ahem, „having an accident“ because Ms. Applebaum wouldn’t give you the hall pass until you calculated the square root of 64 or recited the Gettysburg Address? Well, you just might find yourself with the bathroom all to yourself if you and your partner give each other hall passes. You should both feel free to do your own thing with your own group of friends, but don’t make things more complicated than they have to be. The mistake? Sucking the life out of your gay relationship with a one-way train ticket to „Distrustville“. Distrust me once, shame on you. Distrust me twice, see ya!

Separate lives. I’ve never quite understood gay relationships in which the partners are in a serious, committed relationship but don’t live together. I’m not advocating first date, U-Haul truck, move-in immediately, white picket fence warp-speed relationships, and I also understand that sometimes, things get in the way, like the question of „How would I hook up with other people if we’re living together?“ If that’s your priority, maybe it’s time to rethink this whole „relationship“ thing. The mistake? If you can’t live with your man, what other relationships in your life aren’t you able to live with? How you do anything is how you do everything!

Get to know the online dating world

Nowadays, the most effective way of meeting other homosexual men is by giving online dating a chance. If you aren’t already a member of a particular dating platform, make sure to choose one of the myriad sites, which are either free or require paid membership. When looking for a partner for a long-term relationship, it’s important to become a member of a paid membership website. Click here to check out a useful comparison of online dating services.

Moreover, these sites are known for having a more limited number of members in comparison with the free platforms, which definitely works in your favor. There’s no point in searching for a partner through an endless number of profiles, half of which are inactive. Conversely, the members of paid membership sites are believed to be more serious regarding their search for a companion, thus being a better choice for a person whose aim is to find a soulmate.

Nevertheless, once you make the right choice of a dating website, it’s time to promote yourself to the other members by creating a profile. Make sure you don’t rush through the process, as the profile is a representation of your appearance and personality, allowing other homosexuals to get the first impression of you. Therefore, your profile is supposed to be a realistic portray of your true self, not a bunch of photo shopped photos and fake information.

Ultimately, pay close attention to the reputation of gay dating websites, as not all of them provide the same level of safety to members. Also, the site is supposed to fit your dating requirements, as you might end up disappointed. For instance, when looking for a one-night stand, make sure you choose one of the most popular platforms for casual encounters. However, these websites are supposed to be avoided by homosexuals looking for commitment.

Determine the traits you look for in a partner

After spending enough time brushing up your profile, the following thing to do is visualizing the man of your dreams. One of the greatest benefits of the online dating world is providing members with a limitless choice of partners. However, in order to narrow the choice down, you are expected to make a list of the traits you find appealing in a man. Most homosexuals end up desperately waiting for their soulmates with no hope of finding Mr. Right, solely because they failed to visualize their ideal partner.

Therefore, start your list by determining the physical attributes you consider attractive in a mate, such as body type, height, eye color, hair, and other general features. Don’t place your entire focus on the physical appearance, as personality traits are of great importance as well. Visualize the type of lifestyle, sense of humor, profession, or education you wish your dream man to have.

After completing your list, make sure you rate each trait in order to determine the ones that you find most valuable in a mate. However, if you come across a man you consider attractive and interesting, don’t refuse him simply because his traits aren’t compatible with the ones on your list. The list is supposed to serve as guidance, not pose a strict limitation in your choice of gay partners.

Choose a good screen nam

Choosing a good screen name is an important step in your online dating journey whose role is attracting the attention of a greater number of guys. Although screen names are expected to be creative and funny, make sure it doesn’t become your obsession. The more you try to come up with an appealing name the lower the chances of using your creativity.

Once you stop putting pressure on yourself, the right screen name will come out of the blue. In case you don’t wish to wait for your creativity to come up with a clever solution, choose a name or word from one of your favorite movies or songs. However, bear in mind that your screen name speaks volumes about your dating attitude, which is why you should choose it wisely.

Choose a nice picture

Since the profile picture is the only visual representation of yourself, make sure you choose one that does you justice. Anyhow, refrain from posting photos that overly emphasize your body attributes, as other men might get a wrong impression of your intentions.

Therefore, if your goal is to find a partner for a serious gay relationship, use photographs that leave something to the mystery in order to trigger the interest in other men.Posting numerous pictures of your muscles will most likely attract homosexuals looking for adventure, not the ones interested in commitment. Visit the following link, , to learn more practical gay dating tips for the new age.

Don’t put pressure on yourself

Another important thing to bear in mind when online dating is not forcing yourself to go out with a guy, simply because it fits your requirements. Even if the man is unbelievably attractive or totally hilarious, there’s no point in dating someone without feeling a spark.

In order for you to date the right man, there’s supposed to be undeniable chemistry between each other. A spark should be felt whenever you make eye contact from the first moment you meet in person. Waiting hopelessly for the spark of chemistry to appear after several dates isn’t fair towards the other person and yourself. There’s no reason to force attraction, as it should come naturally.

Gay Relationship – Keep your relationship hot, no matter how long you have been together

It starts the day you meet and, if you’re lucky, shouldn’t end until one of you is put six feet under. For most of us, our relationship with our partner is the most important one in our lives. Here is a list of tips on how you can keep your relationship hot, no matter how long you have been together.

1. Tell him you love him. Every day! Do not think that it is implied by the things you do for him or the things you do together. Take the effort to say the words until it becomes second nature. Those are magical words and it is weird how important it is to actually hear them.

2. Show him that you appreciate him by letting him know when you are proud of him and make extra care not to belittle his achievements. Remember, his achievements are also yours as long as you are a couple.

3. Take care of yourself. Spend time every day on your appearance and your physical well being. It’s important both to your confidence and for making sure that he stays attracted to you.

4. Ask your partner what the most difficult part of being in a relationship with you is. The answer may not necessarily be what you think and the first step of change is to actually know what needs changing. And even if you don’t want to change, it is always good to know.

5. Make time for at least one romantic evening per week. Take turns planning the evening so you always can surprise each other. Just close out the world and make time for each other.

What a stellar night with a stellar man ??‍♂️??‍♂️ @goldenglobes

A post shared by Jwan Yosef (@jwanyosef) on Jan 8, 2018 at 12:11pm PST

6. Take time to listen to his worries and problems, even if you think it’s boring, and even though you may think they are unimportant. They are important to him and that is what’s important for your relationship.

7. Count to ten when you’re angry to avoid saying something that you’ll regret. It’s better to bite your lip bloody than it is to have said something that will follow you years to come. Honesty is of course generally a good thing but even that can be used in the wrong way.

8. Let him know when something is bothering you and never go to bed angry. It’s a cliché for a reason. Unresolved issues are deadly to any relationship and have ripped apart more couples than you can count.

9. Arrange a for just the two of you every once in a while. It doesn’t have to be a total extravaganza, even though that doesn’t hurt either, the most important is that you get to spend time together in another setting than your everyday life.

A post shared by Tom Daley (@tomdaley) on Aug 18, 2017 at 2:34am PDT

10. Keep your sex life hot. Personally write him an erotic story and read it out loud to him. Go to a raunchy web site and re-enact the first scene you see there together. There are a thousand possibilities to spice things up a little.

So, as you can see, a gay relationship is not that different from any other love relationship when it comes to these matters. No surprise there. The main difference is that we don’t have quite the same cultural references as straight people do. We kind of have to make our own rules. For better and for worse.

Gay Relationship Stages

Gay relationships are unique. They can be difficult to enter into and hard to maintain. There are multiple reasons for this, ranging from compatibility issues to personality challenges. But when gay relationships are successful, they can be a beautiful thing.

Because of their uniqueness, some scholars believe there are six special stages to gay relationships that are important to be aware of. Knowing these stages may be helpful as a way of better understanding the dynamics at play in your own love life.

What follows is a breakdown of these stages, synthesized from the literature.

FYI: It’s important to note that not all gay relationships fit this model. Some stages can overlap. Think “big picture” when as you review.

1. Blending Stage

Blending happens during the first year of a relationship. This is the time when everything seems possible and things seem “magical”.

In many ways, this is the “make or break” stage of a new gay relationship. One or both parties may have strong feelings of jealousy because a foundation of trust has not yet been solidified.

Perceived faults are often overlooked during this time period but have a way of rearing their head later on.

Related Post: Top 10 Reasons Gay Relationships Fail

2. Nesting Stage

Gay couples who enter their second and third year of a relationship are considered to be in the nesting stage. As the name suggests, nesting is all about being domestic.

Couples in the nesting stage may find this is the time where important discussions take place about the future. Examples include identifying joint relationship goals, such as buying a home, getting a pet or adopting a child.

It is also during the nesting stage that many gay couples make the decision to be exclusive or open.

3. Maintaining Stage

When a gay couple have been together for 3-5 years, they are in the maintaining phase. A key feature of maintaining is establishing independence.

Because sex becomes less frequent and less intense during this stage, some couples may rethink monogamy. It is also during the maintaining stage that couples are most likely to bring in a third person. That doesn’t mean it will happen.

4. Building Stage

When gay couples are in years 5-10 of a relationship, they are in the building stage. This particular stage is considered a huge milestone because many of the issues from previous years have been worked out.

Gay men who are in the building stage can sometimes find this period of time challenging. The reasons are multi factorial, including a sense of relational boredom and complacency.

This is often the time couples will seek out counseling to help iron out problems.

5. Releasing Stage

When gay couples are together from 11-20 years, they are in the releasing stage. Here, both parties have usually accepted their partners for who they are and realize trying to change them is futile.

The reason this stage is called releasing is because it is during this time that both parties let go of long held expectations and love their mate without barriers.

6. Renewing Stage

When a gay couple makes it to year 20 and beyond, they are in the renewing stage. Getting to this point for many is rare and beautiful.

Couples in this stage have been together for a long time. They know one another well and can tell what their partner is thinking without verbal dialogue.

Sex becomes less important during the renewal period. Mental stimulation becomes highly important. Trust is most high and caring behaviors are center stage.

Gay Men and Relationships

Gay relationships can often be difficult. There are a number of reasons for this, including a lack of societal blueprints and confusion on the part of some gay men about what being in a romantic relationship truly means. Given the unique challenges involved with gay dating and love, we thought it might be a good ideal to provide a list of top 10 reasons gay men (at least some) destroy their relationships.

The material appearing below contains some of the common culprits but certainly not all of them. Some of what you will read may strike you as common sense. Other points, however, may make you pause in reflection.

Read them all in order to fully absorb their deeper meaning. At the end of this post, we’ve provided a poll for you to vote in.

As a caveat, we want to say that not all gay men partake in these listed behaviors. But for those who do, it may be the reason why some complain they are hopelessly single.

1. Having unrealistic expectations

One of the fastest routes to destroying your gay relationship is having unrealistic expectations of the person you are dating. This means that you possess a list of “musts” that you feel a partner must have in order for things to work.

2. Clingy codependency

Another way some gay men obliterate their relationships is by becoming too clingy. This means needing to know where your man is during every second of the day and approaching the relationship from a place of distrust instead of trust.

Over the course of time, the end result is the slow erosion of the bonds that once brought the two of you together in the first place.

3. Passive aggressive game playing

Under this point, you will say one thing and mean another. Because of an inability to communicate, be it by design or lack of ability (or both) you drain the life out of your gay relationship by engaging in passive aggressive behaviors. The end result for you and your partner is confusion, anger and resentment.

4. Selfish behaviors

Selfishness is perhaps one of the major reasons behind gay relationship breakups. And while the word selfishness may be subjective, there are a certain set of behaviors that clearly indicate one person is acting like a major narcissist.

It is important under this point to look at the totality of behaviors and not isolate just one thing.

6. Ongoing use of drugs and alcohol

While this point is not true of all gay relationships, it certainly is an issue in some. If you or your man constantly require the use drugs or alcohol (or both) in order to have a “good time” or to be around one another, something will eventually give.

And while having fun from time to time has its place, it shouldn’t be the glue that binds you together.

7. Not regularly making time for one another

While this point may seem obvious, it is a major reason why so many gay relationships find themselves in trouble. This is particularly true for longer term situations (3 years or more), where the dynamic often morphs from appropriate alone time to totally alone time.

Commonly, this happens when one or both partners in the relationship are more attached to their careers and by extension, career success, than they are to one another.

8. Thinking something “better” will come along

This point may be difficult to read because for many gay men it is the truth. If you keep jumping into and out of relationships hoping the next person will be “the one”, you are setting yourself up for major failure. It takes a lot more than 2 or 3 dates to determine compatibility.

Unless there is a glaring reason that suggests someone isn’t going to be the right fit, there needs to be an opportunity to let a relationship blossom and bloom.

Gay Relationship Poll

Below you will find a poll that offers the top 10 ways gay men destroy their relationships. While the results are in no way scientific, they can be used as a conduit for greater insight and knowledge.

After you make your selection, see how your vote stacks up against others.

Summing Things Up

Gay relationships are unique. Given the reality (finally) that marriage is available for all of us, it is important for us as a community to rethink how we approach dating and romance. It’s up to us to create the new blueprints.

A helpful resource you might want to consider is the book: 10 Smart Things Gay Men Do To Find Better Love by Joe Kort. Inside, you will find page after page of useful insight on building healthier romantic relationships.

What’s more, the book moves about the business of addressing real issues that many gay men face.

Using personal experience is a double-edged sword, in my opinion. Having a general baseline knowledge of how gay relationships work (and don’t work) that is rooted in experience is great. However, as I stated above, it is tricky to compare specific personal experience when trying to provide relationship advice. What has worked for you in your previous or current relationships might not necessarily apply, especially if you consider all the possible variables that differ between you and your friend in need.

More importantly, if your friend is enduring a relationship crisis and is seeking someone to listen, he probably does not want to hear about how successful or unsuccessful your specific relationships were. Instead, removing names or references to actual experiences is more useful in crafting advice.

One of the most juvenile methods I often encounter is creating leverage in a relationship. Perhaps your friend is sexually frustrated with his partner because they are not on the same page when it comes to sexual drive. Maybe your friend is simply frustrated because he feels that his boyfriend is not putting enough effort into planning dates or setting aside quality time. One of the worst things you can do to help your friend think of ways to address the situation is to suggest finding leverage to hold over his boyfriend in order to motivate him to change his behavior. Not only is this counterintuitive, but it’s outright stupid.

I will admit that I have advocated for this approach once or twice when consulting a friend. However, my opinions about availability have seen a dramatic shift over the years as I have come to understand more about what motivates people to pursue intimacy. When I reference “availability,” I am not only referring to the physical effort you put in to make yourself easily accessible to your partner/boyfriend/prospective relationship. I am also talking about the time you take to message the boy back on whatever app or messenger service you use, the idea of which individual should initiate a conversation, and other ways we interact both virtually and face-to-face.

What it really boils down to is maturity. If both individuals want to make a relationship happen, or if both parties are open to exploring the idea of strengthening their relationship, there should be no game of pursuit. Yes, it is validating to experience the feeling of being sought after. However, making yourself less accessible is a foolish long-term strategy.

Grindr, Scruff, Adam4Adam, and other gay “networking” apps are a part of modern gay life. The fact that they exist is not good or bad. The ways in which we virtually interact gives them unique utility value, and this is different for everyone.

I often see articles written about relationships and gay app use, questioning the legitimacy of someone’s ability to have a boyfriend if all they do is scout these applications. I have personally written about gay app use and how user experience is designed to influence behavior. Yes, I think there is something to be said about shifting the way in which people use these apps if they are really seeking a legitimate relationship.

However, I do not advocate for a total shutdown of gay app use. We have all met couples who found each other on these apps, and we all know couples who still use these apps for a variety of reasons. If you want to have a legitimate conversation with your friend regarding app usage, help them shift their behavior rather than deleting the app entirely.

IF you are going to give gay relationship advice at all, I would advise that you know what you are talking about. I find it particularly comical that the friends who often have the least experience in gay dating have the most to say or critique about their friends’ relationships. How can you really make a good judgement call if you have never been in a similar position?

Your friend is most likely approaching you with this issue to have someone to talk out loud to. Oftentimes this person’s mind is already made up with regard to the action they are going to take, and they are simply seeking a venting outlet. Maybe they really are looking for useful advice to help them craft a decision, in which case the best thing you can do is be honest about your personal experience.

Going through your boyfriend’s phone is an invasion of privacy and trust. Period. It is never a good idea to suggest that your friend goes searching through his boyfriend’s emails/texts/Facebook for evidence of infidelity. If your friend is worried his boyfriend is being unfaithful, the best way you can help is to ask him to explain his reasoning. Ask questions like “have you brought this up with your boyfriend?” The one piece of advice I absolutely advocate for is suggesting better communication.

I know couples that have moved in together after only two months of dating and are still going strong years later. I also know couples who moved in after a full year of dating and experienced a total meltdown. Everyone has different views toward sharing personal space, how long to wait before sex, when to consider getting a dog, etc.

My point is, it’s not useful to anyone to put numerical labels on advances in a relationship. Instead, I suggest asking your friend how he feels about the implications of these actions he is considering. For example, if your friend is contemplating moving in with his boyfriend and is asking for advice, tell him to consider all the possible consequences, both good and bad. “Do you value alone time or need a safe space to center yourself” would be a good example.

1. Stop Looking for Boyfriends at the Club

Gay bars and nightclubs can be great places to find a hookup if you’re into the one-night-stand type of thing, but they’re not the greatest places to find a steady boyfriend. The mindset of someone at a club , to say the least.

Yes, you might find someone there who is interested in something „real,“ but the ratio of those people to drunken revelers will be very low. You’ll have to do a lot of filtering, and that’s just inefficient if you can search in greener pastures, so to speak.

Having said that, I’ve known people who met their significant others at the club (with varying results). Gay clubs are one of the few places you can go where you know that a guy is unlikely to get testy if you hit on him (even if he is straight). However, there are other, more high-quality places to look, especially if you’re not the kind of person who is interested in partying until 3 AM. Don’t force yourself to look for dates at the club just because you think that’s your only option.

Gay clubs may be fun—and you may even have some luck there—but they’re not the best places to find the love of your life.

2. Don’t Pretend to Be Something You’re Not

Another common issue that I see in this community is the tendency to shame a person for their relative femininity or masculinity.

I’ve seen femme gay guys trying to act more „butch“ in order to attract guys who only want to date masculine men, and I’ve seen a lot of guys shaming more feminine gay men and implying that they are „acting“ feminine (as if it doesn’t come naturally).

On the flip side, I’ve also seen masculine guys being shamed lightly and assumed to be „faking it“ (as if gay guys are inherently feminine or something, and coming off as straight or masculine is automatically phony).

Needless to say, this is all BS. There is nothing wrong with being masculine or feminine, whatever your orientation may be. Still, these shenanigans often tempt people into putting up a front in order to conform.

Resist the urge to conform! You have something to offer the world as your unique self, and no one can ever see that if you hide it. This doesn’t just come down to acting „masc“ when you’re not, for instance, it even comes down to the little things. If you have weird tastes and hobbies, be upfront about it. If you have unpopular opinions, put it out in the open.

This is how you find someone who is truly compatible with you.

Don’t compromise on who you are. If that means wearing toe nail polish with pride, then so be it. If that means being „masc,“ then may it also be.

3. Consider Looking for a Boyfriend in a Spiritual Community, Such as a Church

What? Finding a boyfriend at church when you’re gay? What nonsense is this?

Believe it or not, there are plenty of gay-friendly churches or even just plain gay churches. Your local Unitarian Universalist church is a good bet, and they cover basically every and any religion.

You might also visit a meditation center or something similar. The point here is that you’ll be searching through a pool of people who are a bit more in tune with their higher selves. You’ll usually have access to guys with a stronger sense of purpose and responsibility than you’ll find at a bar, for instance.