As a bisexual trans man who passes, I deal with a lot of „surprise“ reactions from all sorts of people when I reveal my status. When it comes to sexual and romantic interactions — from dance parties to apps — a majority of the time I have to do a little trans 101. Cisgender gay men seem to lack an understanding of trans etiquette and manners.

Of course, I’ve dated a few lovely cis gay men, but 8 out of 10 times, our conversations lack dignity on their end. Here are eight outrageous things gay cis men say to trans men. 

Red flag! This tells you everything you need to know about this guys‘ understanding of trans people. He’s obviously not taken any initiative to learn more about being transgender.

Are you intentionally misgendering me to hurt me, or has the gender binary severely affected your sight, brain and manners?

Really?! A boy like me? Well, interestingly enough I’m not a flavor of ice cream. I am a man with feelings, and more than a fetish for your entertainment.

Cisnormative standards of beauty are boring, ya’ll. 

My dick is not a figment of my imagination. Last I checked, it worked fine. Sometimes it’s not very big and other times I have to strap it on, but it’s definitely real.

Oh, let me guess… you’re really curious about my genitalia. Surprise, surprise.

Transgender is not a category of music or a physical activity. It’s fine to have preferences but you just spoke to me as if I was an inanimate object. By the way, trans men or all trans people are not all the same. Ya know, we’re people. 

Yeah. By what you just said, I can tell I am new territory to you. Don’t take this the wrong way but we’re not coming into physical contact … at all. Like, ever. 

What you should know before dating a transgender guy

1. Dating us doesn’t make you gay. Unless you’re a guy, of course! But ladies, if you’re attracted to men, fancying a trans guy doesn’t suddenly change your sexuality. It means you’re seeing them for the man that they are.

2. It isn’t the ‚best of both worlds‘. I’ve heard some girls say a trans man would be the perfect man because they can relate to women. Regardless of our bodies, in our heads we’ve never been female. If only I understood women as much as people may think I do!

3. We’re not all into girls. Some trans guys are into guys, or both. Some people struggle with this one but the thing to remember is your sexual orientation is a totally separate thing from your gender. It’s pretty simple, really!

4. We don’t all have surgery. Our bodies change on testosterone treatment to become more masculine. Sometimes that’s enough for a trans man to feel comfortable and surgery isn’t necessary.

5. We’re not all on hormones. Someone could be in the process of waiting to get on testosterone, or have their own reasons not to be on it. Sure, that makes a difference physically but it doesn’t make them any less of a guy!

6. Sex isn’t scary. It’s understandable to feel nervous before your first time with a trans guy… but then again it’s nerve-wracking with anyone for the first time! Everyone likes different things in the bedroom, regardless of being trans or not. Communication is key.

7. Don’t be ashamed. If we’re open about being trans, there’s no reason for you to hide it either. Obviously I don’t mean you need to shout it from the rooftops… but we want someone who supports our transition, not someone who is embarrassed of it.

8. We have insecurities. Going through the wrong puberty would give anyone certain body hangups. But then again, we all have our insecurities. It’s good to be open and honest with one another about what triggers them.

9. There are different kinds of lower surgery. Most people know about the phalloplasty – where a skin graft is used to create a penis. Many people are unaware that the clitoris grows into a small penis on testosterone, and there is a surgery that works to enhance what you have naturally, called the metoidioplasty. And there are different variations of both!

10. We’re not just trans. Being trans is just one small part of who we are. There are so many other aspects that are more important – our personalities, interests, sense of humour… first and foremost, we are human!

11. We have a sense of humour. I am really comfortable with myself as a guy, so I often joke about my transition with my girlfriend and friends. I’m always camping it up and am not afraid to be feminine! I can’t speak for everyone but I can tell you that being with a trans guy isn’t all about walking on egg shells.

12. We are pretty boring, really. Yeah, we aren’t anything exotic… being with a trans guy is really just like being with any guy. We are all different in our own way. We are all, simply, men.

What you should know before dating a transgender guy

A question about dating transmen from a straight cis guy.

So for the most part I am straight. I’ve never been attracted to any cis male, but recently I have found myself attracted to some transmen. The only issue is, the only kind of transmen I find attractive are the ones that have recognizably femme facial features. This always makes me feel guilty, because I feel like I’m perceiving them in a way they don’t want to be perceived in.

My question isn’t whether this makes me gay or anything dumb like that. I’m just curious to hear from transmen –specifically ones that are attracted to other men– whether this is a de-facto dealbreaker that should preclude me from pursuing gay/bi/pan transmen.

Not every trans man is the same. I would probably not want to date a guy in this circumstance.

I have a question for you to consider though; some some cis men have feminine facial features, so could you see yourself being attracted to a cis man with particularly femme facial features. If not, why? Being attracted to femme features is one thing but it sounds like there may be more going on here.

I definitely could and I’m open to it, it just hasn’t happened yet. The few times I thought I’d developed a crush on a cis guy, they’ve turned out to be trans men.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be comfortable dating a straight man, it just feels invalidating. I actually don’t mind some of my slightly feminine facial features and I don’t mind if people are attracted to me because of them (although I know a lot of transmen who wouldn’t be ok with this), just as long as those people aren’t seeing me as a girl- and to be honest if i was dating a man who continued to identify as straight while dating me I would feel like that’s because he sees me as a girl and not a feminine man. It sounds like what you’re attracted to is some kind of androgyny, so maybe just date masculine women instead.

Yeah that makes a lot of sense. I will say that I think I identify as something closer to bi or pan (still figuring things out), and I would absolutely not call myself straight if I dated a trans man. I’m sorry my post made it seem like that was what I was insinuating; I fully respect trans men’s gender identities.

Attraction isn’t about identities, it’s physical. I’m straight (ish) trans man btw if it matters and I’ve dated/ hooked up with bi/ lesbian identified women without a second thought. If someone I’m attracted to is attracted to me, then great! I don’t mind how they call themself because it’s not really pertinent. I don’t see it as something that influences my own self image…

but people are different, and have different boundaries and comfort levels. A lot of trans men hate feeling like they’re in a separate category from cis men, so tread carefully.

It doesn’t sound like you’re a chaser tho; you were into men who later turned out to be trans. As long as you’re respectful it’s not a problem.

That said, idk if you’ve considered this but trans men change a lot on hrt. I’m hitting year four, and compared to year 2 I look a lot more masculine. I know some features never go away, but if these guys are earlier on hrt, the more “feminine” features are likely to go away. Are you comfortable with your partner masculinizing more over time? .

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. To your last point, yeah it’s something I’ve considered. While I can’t say for certain, I think I would be comfortable with it if I loved that person. Which has caused me some amount of consternation (i.e. If that’s true, then why do I let my lack of attraction to most men stop me from loving and dating them). But these are all thoughts and feelings I’m still trying to pin down, so sorry if I don’t have a full answer for you.

if you identify as straight there is no way i will date you simple as that. especially for guys who decide theyre attracted to me after they find out im trans. sorry but its a major dealbreaker.

I think the thoughtfulness of your question shows that you would generally be respectful of the person. Attraction isn’t something you choose. It’s an uncomfortable reality that people are sometimes attracted to various people of an assigned sex at birth. You would just have to treat them the way they wanted to be treated, and see how it goes.

A question about dating transmen from a straight cis guy.

Girls dating Transmen (FTM transgender)?

Ok, here’s a question that keeps on getting stuck in my head… To make the story short, I have a close friend of mine his name is Roman and he is a transitioning FTM and he keeps on asking me, „Do u think any girl would wanna date me?“ But i seriously kant answer him cuz idk the answer to that particular question. So I need all the advice I can receive. My question is Do u all think that any girl would wanna date my friend who is different…I’ve known him since middle school and he’s a real nice person even tho he’s different. I accept him as my friend but im concerned about the dating.. Wat do u all think? I need all the advice i can get to help out my friend

Girls dating Transmen (FTM transgender)?

Transmen and the City

Sipping coffee at Williamsburg’s Variety café, Amos Mac looks like a typical hipster gay guy. His wispy boyish mustache and baby face belie his 30 years. His black hair is short on the sides with an unruly mass of curls on top. A large chest tattoo peeks out from his low-cut tank top: It reads identity. Underneath it are two large pink scars, like half-moons, from his double mastectomy. Every ten to fourteen days, Mac’s roommate gives him a shot of prescribed testosterone, or “T,” as it’s known in FTM (female-to-male transsexual) parlance. He has no desire for any below-the-belt surgery; it’s not necessary for him or anyone he dates.

Mac doesn’t really see himself as a guy, but as a “transman,” someone who started out female and then shifted to the masculine side of the gender spectrum. And yet Mac also identifies as a “queer guy,” which means he often finds himself attracted to, and dating, gay men. He’s an exemplar for a new generation less concerned with gender boundaries. “When I was a woman or girl or whatever,” Mac says, “I very much identified as a fag. I was drawn to the community of gay men, and that’s how I embody myself.” And although he’s dated women, “I’m attracted to guys who have a bit of flair to them. They don’t have to be gay, but they can be queeny. I love an artistic queen.”

Mac is the founder and editor of the quarterly ’zine Original Plumbing—he got the title from a term transmen employ to refer to their anatomy in Craigslist personals. “It’s a very personal project,” Mac says. “I wanted to give transmen a voice.”

Transmen have always been out there, and many prefer women. But those who identify as gay men are becoming increasingly evident in New York, especially in the Brooklyn bars where they’re helping raise the already high mustache quotient. Williamsburg’s Metropolitan, in particular, counts many pool-playing transguys among its clientele, and they’re not unheard of on gay hookup sites like Manhunt. “What I like about transmen is the same thing I like in other men,” says 26-year-old law student Ben Riskin, who has gotten together with a few. “They’re masculine and often very attractive. It’s juvenile to have a fear of biological woman parts and this idea that they make the gender of a person. People are attracted to other people. Part of being young and queer is you don’t need to put yourself into boxes.”

“Growing up, something separated me from my female friends,” Mac says. “I was drawn to male clothes. I threw fits wearing dresses. But at the same time, I was really into boy bands. I wasn’t a typical man in a girl’s body. But I definitely didn’t feel like a girl.” Mac decided to transition genders about five years ago. “I felt less and less attached to my body and unable to be called ‘she’ or be seen as a girl or even a boyish woman. I tried for a long time not to transition and thought I could live comfortably as this gender-neutral person who didn’t need to change their body. I tried to work that angle, and then I couldn’t anymore.” Mac thinks that now, living as a queer man, he is actually more comfortable with his boy-band-loving femme side, as he no longer has to maintain a forced masculine posture in order to pass.

Mac moved to San Francisco from Brooklyn in 2008, returning to be a judge at the world’s first Mr. Transman competition recently at the Knitting Factory.

There, the transmen looked like fellas and often sounded like queer-theory grad students. “I’m gender variant–transgenderish,” says Twiz, 28, a handsome, tough-looking punk-greaser type, who’s had “top surgery” but doesn’t take testosterone. “I don’t identify as male or female but a continuum of fluidity among both.” As the PBR flowed, things got rowdy as transmen wrestled and rapped onstage. Brooklynite Kit Yan did a knockout spoken-word performance in footie pajamas with a lollipop about how he’s a “smart sexy tranny boy for femme top dom to teach me etiquette lessons.” Yan won the title, along with a bag of sex toys and a contraption that allows transmen to pee standing up.

Transmen and the City

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Looking for sex tonight in your area?

Many of these women are desperate single moms and cheating wives looking for some fun. They could be your neighbors or someone you know. Do you agree to keep the identity of these women a secret?

These women have asked us to not allow men that are seeking a „relationship“. They only desire quick sex. Not dating. Do you agree to this request?

Do you agree to use a condom when having sex with a partner you meet on our site?

Thank you. You may now see our list and photos of women who are in your area. Again, please keep their identity a secret.

Laura* and Oli* have been together for two and a half years and are getting married next summer. Like all couples they’ve had their ups and downs, but being in a trans relationship brings its own unique complications…

When Laura first met her boyfriend Oli she had no idea the well-dressed guy she’d been eyeing up from across their seminar room was trans.

‚I actually assumed Oli was a gay, cis [non-trans] man, so I was delighted [when I found out] he was straight!‘ she says. ‚I added him on Facebook that evening, and realised he was trans; I’d had no idea. But once I got my head round the idea I wasn’t fazed at all.‘

Now 22 and 24, Laura and Oli have been together for two and a half years and are getting married next summer after the final stage of Oli’s genital reassignment surgery. Like all couples, they’ve had their fair share of ups and downs, but being in a trans relationship brings its own unique complications.

‚When it came to us actually getting together, she had no idea what to expect in terms of my body,‘ Oli says. ‚She knew I was on testosterone, but I avoided going into detail by never wearing less than a T-shirt and boxers around her, and just focusing on her sexually.‘

For Laura, sex with Oli was a revelation. ‚It was completely different to any other relationship I’d been in before – but not for the reasons you might expect. He was the first partner I ever had who really put my enjoyment first.‘

She adds: ‚I literally had never even had a boyfriend who went down on me, and I was shocked to learn that I could actually orgasm with a partner too!‘

When Oli eventually felt comfortable revealing all, they were both pretty anxious. ‚I kept thinking „she won’t see me as a man anymore and she’ll leave me“,‘ Oli says, while Laura was just terrified she wouldn’t know what to do. She needn’t have been.

‚Without being too explicit about Oli’s junk,‘ she giggles, ‚let’s just say that hormones change things a lot down there, and I had no problem transferring my previously acquired skills!‘

Testosterone treatment, Oli explains, causes what used to be the clitoris to grow into a small penis – and he remembers feeling relieved when Laura’s reaction was „oh, it’s just a tiny dick! I know what to do with this.“ ‚It’s not usually what a guy wants to hear from his girlfriend,‘ he laughs, ‚but in my case it was a huge relief.‘

After the initial awkwardness, their sex life went into overdrive – possibly helped by the early stages of Oli’s testosterone treatment giving him the sex drive of ‚a typical teenage boy‘.

Two and a half years on though, they say sex is now far less regular: ‚My discomfort and distress at having the wrong genitals [known as gender dysphoria] has become worse and worse,‘ Oli explains.

‚I’m having my first stage of lower [genital] surgery next month, and the closer it gets, the worse I feel about what I currently have. Thanks to testosterone and chest surgery, the rest of my body is now so ‚male‘ – I have a flat chest, I’m really hairy, I have facial hair, more muscle mass, and then there’s this one vital area that hasn’t caught up yet.‘

He adds: ‚I know Laura thinks I’m desirable as I am, but it’s very difficult to want and enjoy sex when you have the wrong genitalia.‘

For Laura, Oli turning down sex was initially really difficult. ‚He can be relatively closed about his dysphoria, so my self-esteem took a bit of a blow. We did get better at communicating about it eventually, after a couple of sob-fests from me,‘ she says.

‚As a partner, it’s very hard to know what to do when your other half has to interrupt sex because they feel so distressed and alienated by their own body,‘ she adds.

‚It’s really difficult to comfort them about something that’s so impossible to get away from, and that you’ll never fully understand or experience. When it’s really bad, he can’t talk, move or be touched, and I just have to put some pants on and give him the space and support he needs.‘

But sex isn’t the most difficult part of being with a trans guy; for Laura, it’s been other people’s reactions. Early on in the relationship, she faced ignorant and intrusive questions from friends, relatives, and even acquaintances, wanting to know ’so are you a lesbian now?‘ and ‚what does he have down there?‘

‚Our relationship is constantly under scrutiny,‘ she says. ‚Friends and family do perhaps take us more seriously as a straight couple since Oli had surgery, but it’s unfortunate that trans people are held to such high standards of presenting as their true gender.‘

Despite the ongoing wait for lower surgery, Oli’s chest surgery last year was a major bonding period for them as a couple. ‚I’m a lot more cuddly with Laura now I don’t have this ‚danger zone‘ on my torso. It’s absolutely wonderful to have her fall asleep on my chest,‘ he says.

Laura agrees: ‚He seems more himself, and our physical intimacy has definitely improved. I do quietly hope that once Oli’s had lower surgery our sex life will have a bit of a revival, but I definitely feel more secure and comfortable in our relationship now than ever,‘ she says. ‚Plus we’re probably more productive now we can keep our hands off each other for longer than ten minutes!‘

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Study for trans and gender diverse people in NYC with recent stressful life experiences: Earn up to $360

We are interested in understanding how stressful life events impact transgender and gender diverse (TGD) people. If you identify as TGD and have recently experienced a very stressful event and are living in NYC, you might be eligible to participate in this research study.

The purpose of this research is to promote trauma recovery for trans and gender diverse people by better understanding how discrimination blocks pathways to healing. We’re collecting saliva samples to examine the body’s response to stress and discrimination by measuring levels of cortisol. This will help us advocate for better treatment for and show the resiliency of trans and gender diverse people who face daily stress and discrimination

Participation in this study involves the completion of 4 interview appointments scheduled over 12 months. During each appointment, you will be asked to participate in a clinical interview, provide salivary samples, and complete several questionnaires. For 14 days following these appointments, you will receive a link each day prompting you to complete a brief questionnaire. Eligible participants may earn up to $360 for study activities.

If you are interested in participating, please complete this online screening survey:

For additional information, please contact the Berke Laboratory at

Study for trans and gender diverse people in NYC with recent stressful life experiences: Earn up to $360

We are interested in understanding how stressful life events impact transgender and gender diverse (TGD) people. If you identify as TGD and have recently experienced a very stressful event and are living in NYC, you might be eligible to participate in this research study.

The purpose of this research is to promote trauma recovery for trans and gender diverse people by better understanding how discrimination blocks pathways to healing. We’re collecting saliva samples to examine the body’s response to stress and discrimination by measuring levels of cortisol. This will help us advocate for better treatment for and show the resiliency of trans and gender diverse people who face daily stress and discrimination

Participation in this study involves the completion of 4 interview appointments scheduled over 12 months. During each appointment, you will be asked to participate in a clinical interview, provide salivary samples, and complete several questionnaires. For 14 days following these appointments, you will receive a link each day prompting you to complete a brief questionnaire. Eligible participants may earn up to $360 for study activities.

If you are interested in participating, please complete this online screening survey:

For additional information, please contact the Berke Laboratory at

Transgender questionnaire

It would be great if you could answer a questionnaire that focuses on a film that hosted the first transgender character. I have shorted the film into a mixture of clips (roughly 5 minutes). You are in no way expected to take part in this survey, if you do, your answers will be used to approve or disapprove a hypothesis regarding minority (LGBT) representation in Hollywood. The questionnaire is roughly 15-20 minutes long.

Study for trans and gender diverse people in NYC with recent stressful life experiences: Earn up to $360

We are interested in understanding how stressful life events impact transgender and gender diverse (TGD) people. If you identify as TGD and have recently experienced a very stressful event and are living in NYC, you might be eligible to participate in this research study.

The purpose of this research is to promote trauma recovery for trans and gender diverse people by better understanding how discrimination blocks pathways to healing. We’re collecting saliva samples to examine the body’s response to stress and discrimination by measuring levels of cortisol. This will help us advocate for better treatment for and show the resiliency of trans and gender diverse people who face daily stress and discrimination

Participation in this study involves the completion of 4 interview appointments scheduled over 12 months. During each appointment, you will be asked to participate in a clinical interview, provide salivary samples, and complete several questionnaires. For 14 days following these appointments, you will receive a link each day prompting you to complete a brief questionnaire. Eligible participants may earn up to $360 for study activities.

If you are interested in participating, please complete this online screening survey:

For additional information, please contact the Berke Laboratory at

Study for trans and gender diverse people in NYC with recent stressful life experiences: Earn up to $360

We are interested in understanding how stressful life events impact transgender and gender diverse (TGD) people. If you identify as TGD and have recently experienced a very stressful event and are living in NYC, you might be eligible to participate in this research study.

The purpose of this research is to promote trauma recovery for trans and gender diverse people by better understanding how discrimination blocks pathways to healing. We’re collecting saliva samples to examine the body’s response to stress and discrimination by measuring levels of cortisol. This will help us advocate for better treatment for and show the resiliency of trans and gender diverse people who face daily stress and discrimination

Participation in this study involves the completion of 4 interview appointments scheduled over 12 months. During each appointment, you will be asked to participate in a clinical interview, provide salivary samples, and complete several questionnaires. For 14 days following these appointments, you will receive a link each day prompting you to complete a brief questionnaire. Eligible participants may earn up to $360 for study activities.

If you are interested in participating, please complete this online screening survey:

For additional information, please contact the Berke Laboratory at

8 Answers

There are women that are attracted to trans men just as there are women attracted to cis men (non-trans men). It’s harder to date but it isn’t impossible.

Well, as a pansexual female, I don’t really think the gender makes the person. If I was attracted to an FtM (which I have been before), then I would go out with them, no problem.

Straight girls would have a hard time getting past the genital area, because FtMs are very different in that area. However, there are bisexuals who would be willing to date an FtM, depending on how understanding they are. Then there are pansexuals, who would all be willing to date an FtM.

It WILL be harder for him in the dating world as an FtM, but it’s still totally possible to find someone. Sexuality is more fluid than people think.

His best bet is bi sexual girls but there are some straight girls who are completely accepting of transmen. He’s just gotta get out there and look. Also if he ever has questions regarding his transitioning he should check out FTM’s on Youtube. They offer up loads of great advice!

Ok, here's a question that keeps on getting stuck in my head… To make the story short, I have a close friend of mine his name is Roman and he is a transitioning FTM and he keeps on asking me, "Do u think any girl would wanna date me?" But i seriously kant answer him cuz idk the…

Yeah I would date an FTM transgender. I like cis guys and FTM (I am a gay cis guy)

Well yeah, and there is even that type of girls who is only attracted by trans men, which is a little bit annoying since trans men don’t want to be trans men, they just want to be men.

I guess that’s like this type of guys who is greatly attracted by trans women…

There are lots of bi girls that like transmen. As far as dating 100% straight girl, that’s harder, but it’s not impossible!

im trans and all my girlfriends have been straight. i dont know why exactly i only have dated straight girls ive just been attracted to girls and gone for it but its not as hard as it really sounds.

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