Weird Tales from My Year on Gay Dating Apps

​After breaking up with a boyfriend in 2011, I wanted to explore online dating and give being single in Toronto a shot before jumping into anything serious. Unfortunately for me, I soon realized that the gay dating world came with its own set of rules, most of which are pretty weird and somewhat racist. Race, body shaming, identity politics, and masculinity seemed to come up a lot and eventually I just said „fuck it“ and deleted every dating site I was on. I needed a break. I needed to hear something other than „looking for whites only“ or „straight-acting only.“ It got to a point where I felt shitty about wanting to get laid and needed give the online thing a rest.

In 2013, I came out of „online dating retirement“ and decided to explore it again. Every so often I’d hear my friends gush about all the great dates and hot sex they were having on Grindr and Scruff. It took a lot of convincing, but I gave a few of these apps a shot. I downloaded both Grindr and Scruff and immediately starting messaging people.

Throughout that year, there were a few really nice conversations that didn’t really go anywhere, the occasional good ass and/or dick pics, and an older couple in their 80s that always messaged me in Spanish. But aside from that, the string of weird encounters just got worse every time. In January, I finally deleted all the apps and have sworn off online dating and hookups for good. But it wasn’t all for nothing. Below, you’ll find three stories that I’ll probably never forget.

Picture Tag Gone Wrong​Around Thanksgiving last year, I got a message from an Irish guy visiting the city for a few weeks. I chatted him up about all things Ireland and told him about a trip I was planning for spring 2016. The vibe was friendly for the first few days, and then he wanted to see some pics, which I was more than willing to share. I sent a face pic to start and he sent one back. He was a bald, rugged, bearded man with green eyes. Suffice to say the dude was really hot and definitely checked off a few boxes in the „my type“ department.

We talked for a week and he eventually asked me if I had a dick pic. I sent the most recent one and waited for him to send something back. Two hours later he sends a pic, but it’s not of a body part or another sexy face pic, it’s a picture of him and his sister with the caption „hot pic.“ I wasn’t sure if this was a mistake or a joke, but I decided to just brush it off and send another dick pic. He then responded with a picture of him smiling with his grandmother, saying nothing else.

Two days later he messaged me to ask what I was doing. I told him I was just enjoying my day off and asked him what he had planned for the day. He then sent a picture of his spread asshole dripping with cum, a picture of him and his dog, and then a picture of him having family dinner, again saying nothing else. At this point, I wasn’t even mad or upset. The dude clearly wasn’t serious. That or he had a fucked-up sense of humor.

As funny as the whole thing was, I decided to stop communicating with him entirely. I often wonder what a dripping asshole, playing with your dog, and eating dinner with your family could be code for, but I guess I’ll ever know.

„Racial Play“​​I messaged a guy after work one day just to see if he’d reply. He messaged me back and said he comes to Toronto for work every day and wondered if we could hook up later that evening. I told him we should drink a few beers at my place and see where it goes. He came over around 10:30 PM, and made a few weird comments about the beer we were drinking, calling it „hipster beer.“ That sort of turned me off, but I decided not to read too much into it.

I wasn’t expecting things to heat up after the weird beer comment, but after six beers we just went for it and started making out. Before things escalated, he stopped me and said he needed to tell me something. I remember being puzzled and asking what was wrong. He told me he was into a few kinks, but didn’t know how to talk about them. Fetish is always an awkward subject for people, but I assured him I wasn’t easily weirded out. He looked extremely flustered and scared to say it, but after about five minutes of circling around the big confession, he sheepishly blurted out that he was into „racial play.“

I kind of giggled and then looked at him again. At that moment I realized he was being serious and took a deep breath because, as a black man and a human being, the whole thing had just thrown me off. Solely based on curiosity, I asked him exactly what this type of roleplay scene would entail. It scared me to imagine where this conversation was going to go, but I still couldn’t quite process what I just heard. I’ve done some weird shit, but this whole thing was fucked up and I didn’t understand what turned him on about it exactly. He asked me if I was mad that he was into that. I told him no because I actually wasn’t pissed at all. After having another beer he got into the finer details of how a „racial play“ scene would go down.

According to him, a play scene would involve me in a cage, getting choked with his dick, while he spits on me and calls me nigger a few times. He assured me that while it was a lot to handle, it was actually a pretty popular fetish. It’s just something that nobody talks about. I looked at him, extremely puzzled after that statement. He stood, confident in his belief that was an acceptable thing to get off to, and it took a minute for me to figure out the best way to respond. Wanting to end this interaction on a peaceful note, I told him that while I respect his honesty, the thought of a man getting off to calling me racial slurs and performing violent sex acts on me was enough to make me want to commit murder.

When I said that he laughed it off, but once he saw the expression on my face, I could tell he knew it was probably in his best interest to call it a night. After he left I Googled „racial play“ and found a lot of crazy shit, most of which I wish I could unsee. There are certain thoughts and images that linger in the subconscious and lead us to the fetishes we have. I think most things are fair game, but if me picking cotton gets you horny, there probably won’t be a second date.​

Runaway Cucumber​One of the first guys I met on Grindr was a university student who had just moved to Toronto for school. During our first hangout we drank a few beers and talked about Toronto, which was a nice change from the usual in-and-out hook up. We immediately hit it off and it turned into an ongoing thing. We met up for sex about twice a month for a couple of months. It was really low-key, which has awesome because I wasn’t after anything serious at the time.

One night he came over and dropped a bomb on me. Apparently he had a girlfriend, which was news to me. He said he wasn’t gay—he just met up with guys because his girlfriend wasn’t into anal play. This all seemed messy and complicated, so I told him we should cool it on the sex until he and his girlfriend had a serious conversation. It would be one thing if they were in an open relationship, but it seemed more like their lack of communication had led to him sneaking out to get fucked by guys behind her back. It just didn’t seem healthy for me to continue sleeping with him if that was the case.

He texted me out of the blue three months later, asking if we could meet. I had my reservations about it, but I decided to let him stop by and get an update on what was going on with him and his situation. He came over and immediately went for my crotch, but before I could let it go any further, I needed to ask what the status of his relationship was. Apparently he had broken up with his girlfriend and was exclusively fucking guys. The way he talked about these new relationships was very strange. He maintained that he was still straight, but just really loved bottoming and couldn’t get enough.

We proceeded to play around a bit and eventually I was fucking him. I don’t know if fate was punishing me for allowing my thirst to blind me from the obvious mess of a situation this was, but ten minutes into it I’d felt something wet go down my leg. Let’s just say that he wasn’t ready to bottom and by the time I stopped the evidence of that was all over my bed.

When you’re having butt sex, there’s always the slight possibility of a little shit, but this was literally a shit storm. He felt really bad and I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, so I said we should just shower and call it a night. I let him go first so I could throw away the sheets and after he got out I went in to get myself cleaned up. When I walked out of the shower, what I saw him doing brought new meaning to the phrase „by any means necessary.“ I stood quietly by the door and watched as he began squatting down on a cucumber from my fridge, trying to fuck himself with it. He was jerking off and heavily breathing as he attempted to fit the entire cucumber up his ass.

After a minute or so, I purposely slammed the bathroom door and he freaked out when he saw me standing there. He could tell I was pissed and he kept trying to avoid eye contact. I asked him what he was doing still naked, which left him stuttering as he tried to make up a good excuse. I snatched the cucumber out of his hand and asked him to put on his clothes while I finished getting dressed in the bathroom.

After we were both dressed I walked him out of my apartment and told him he shouldn’t contact me again. I didn’t want to be an asshole, but between his first lie about the girlfriend and the shit-stained bed I had to throw out, I felt like the universe was trying to tell me this needed to end.

To make matters worse, when I went back into the house, I checked the fridge and the fucking cucumber was gone. I was short an ingredient for my next lunch. I ordered a new bed and went to buy groceries the next day. Thank you universe! I definitely got the message.

The best apps for gay dating, gay sex and gay romance

If you’re gay, single and ready to mingle then there’s a world of resources out there, even if physical contact is still not on the cards. We take you through the gay dating app for every need

So your gay ass is looking for love. Or sex. Love or sex. Maybe both. Probably not neither, if you’re here, because you’ve come to an article about the best gay dating apps.

Gay dating apps are a scourge. They’re also a necessity. Guess what: that’s all technology. Homosexuality does not make you worse, or better, than the conveniences of modern society. The thing is, they do differ from the standard offerings, even when you are on the standard offerings: the clandestine nature of gay love and a decade of Grindr mean even in the most mundane of places we find a way to switch it up. It’s a wilderness out there and it can be terrifying if not demeaning. 

We’re also dealing with a time where a community, built on nightlife and safe spaces, is having to stick around at home: it might be that gay dating apps are now your predominant way of engaging with the community. The stakes are higher, the needs different. It’s never been a weirder time to be trying to figure out gay dating apps, especially now Grindr is becoming a place for conversations with men you may not get to touch for months. 

Take it from a sodomite who knows: I’ve dated my way across multiple continents, I’ve topped, I’ve bottomed, I’ve got into inadvisable threesomes, I’ve navigated saying no to the HnH crowd, I’ve lost ones that should have been LTRs and I’ve had LTRs with people I should avoid. I have met some of the most amazing men in my life on apps, and also some of the worst. That being said, some of the biggest dirtbags I’ve ever let into my bed were people I met in cafés and bars (and also some of the best men in the world). Nowhere is safe, nowhere is perfect, nowhere is all bad. No one is going to just show up on your doorstep: if you want monogamy, or polyamory, you’re going to have to work for it.

No one is going to just show up on your doorstep: if you want monogamy, or polyamory, you’re going to have to work for it

But depending on what you’re looking for, and where you are in the whole rigmarole, will change your experience. So here is a guide to the best dating apps out there for love, lust and everything in between.

The best apps for gay dating, gay sex and gay romance

10 Dating Tips For Gay Men (That, Really, EVERYONE Should Follow)

For the most part, gay men are like everyone else on the dating scene. They’re looking for affectionlove. Like their straight counterparts, gay men also desire connection, companionship and commitment. 

Unfortunately, the gay dating pool is viciously competitive. So, instead of fighting over the newest man meat on Grindr, I recommend these practical tips for gay men:

1. Get in the game. Sitting on the sidelines will get you nowhere. Either play the gay dating game or get out of the other gay guys‘ way! This doesn’t mean you have to play every day. The goal is for the single gay community to know you’re in circulation.

2. Try something new. Try a sparkling, new approach to gay dating. That is, if you’ve been doing the same thing and expecting a different result, then change detergents, add some fabric softener and try a new way of putting yourself out there. Going to the same coffee shop, grocery store and gym leads to the same scenery and the same results. Yawn! So instead, change it up!

3. Step out of the box. You love to run, hike and go to the theater. Great. Now what activity would be so out of the box for you, it might put you in a space to meet new guys, make friends with people who have gay friends or try a new hobby? Think of it this way: If you can step out of the closet, you can certainly step out of your rut!

4. Reflect what you desire. If you really want a guy who appreciates monogamy, then hanging out with people who have open relationships probably isn’t the best place to meet Mr. Right. From sex to finances and family to intellectual awareness, letting your true desires show up doesn’t make you weak, weird or wacky. It’s you being truly you, so let your authentic self shine. 

5. Stop making excuses. The more you make excuses for why your gay dating life is the toilet, the less chance of it shifting in a positive way. If every date you go on with a gay guy leads you to say, „He was nice, but … “ stop and ask yourself „Why are you always justifying your way out of dating?“

6. What’s sex got to do with it? Well, it depends on your position — no pun intended. Dating from the perspective of „it’s all about sex“ can pay off if that’s how you truly feel. Conversely, making sex the secondary acquisition can also be a home run. Regardless of your perspective, being honest with yourself all along is my point. When you hide from your truth, it won’t set you free. Plus, being honest with yourself is a great launching pad for honesty in your relationship. 

7. Ask yourself, „So what?“ Constantly in a tailspin with the same old audio tapes playing in your head? Do you always say: „Gay dating is such a chore,“ or, „Gay men just want sex,“ or „Every gay guy I meet only wants to talk about themselves?“ If so, start asking yourself, „So what?“

 10 Dating Tips For Gay Men (That, Really, EVERYONE Should Follow)

Why is modern dating such a fucking minefield?

Are we dating? Are we just banging? Are you interested? How interested? Am I wasting my time? Oh look, another d*ck pic ?

UPDATE: Got dragged to Cardiff to meet said dude who confirmed there was no possibility of him wanting a relationship. Would’ve loved to have known this at the beginning but never mind ? literally hating men right now Edit – we did not meet on Tinder, actually met the old fashioned way (in person)

The expectation of perfection. Make a mistake and you’re toast/baggage/not worth it/loner/loser.

I honestly think modern dating is so chaotic because we have so many more options at our finger tips these days. With dating apps and social media, there are so many ways and opportunities to meet people now. Because of this, we can pick and choose much, much easier. But that creates an atmosphere where ppl are dropped like bad habits and theyre on to the next one without missing a breath.

Tinder has psychologically harmed me. I have a terrible fear that if I do or say one stupid thing, she’ll bail and find someone else who won’t do or say „that one stupid thing“ and who is taller. It’s terrible maladaptive.

To me, dating in and of itself is the problem. There’s this pressure to be, as you put it, perfect. As a guy, you’re wondering. Shit does she like me? Does she think I’m gross? Is she screen shotting our conversations to make fun of me to her friends? What should I say?

As a girl, I only have insight from my SIL but it’s. Why isn’t he texting me back? Why didn’t he call me? He just wants to bang me why do I care? He probably thought my tits were too saggy. Fuck him. Can you take son tonight I’m meeting _____. Ugh why didn’t he make a move? He’s still being Pervy and doesn’t even want to talk about me.

This kind of stuff, it’s a mess. It’s quote a „mine field“. I was married for 11 years. Separated for one. And back together for another. And now separated for the final time. During the year separated the following happened.

I hated myself. Every day without my kids and wife was absolute misery. I would just lay in bed hoping to die.

That was it. That was the turning point. I cleaned up my apartment. Bought a couch. Picked up a free coffee table. And we played sorry. It was that moment when I realized that life was worth living for the next good moment.

Then I met a girl. A woman really. In the same boat as me. Separated from her husband in a marriage that was sexless and lifeless and without real love. We were talking and I gave her some advice that I should have taken myself.

„Your relationship shouldn’t be the only thing that fills you up. It can’t be Every thing. You have a puzzle, and yeah the center of it is put together by him. But the rest of it you have to get for yourself.“

This is the advice I can give. Dating may be a mine field. But when you’re dating, re lax. That guy isn’t going to be the only part of your life. His dick isn’t going to magically fulfill you. Guys, same goes for you.

So don’t date! Don’t do it! Like someone and then hang out with them. If they like you too natural things happen. If you meet a guy on tinder and he sends you his dick unrequested. He’s not someone you should be dating. Go have a coffee and talk about your lives. If you like him. Tell him. No pressure.

Just relax. The lid to your pot is out there. You don’t have to try so hard.

This is the most succinct description of modern dating that I’ve seen.

Instant gratification and the ease of modern online dating are the worst things ever. Relationships require work. We don’t like work. It’s just easier to start swiping the second that someone isn’t “perfect”. Instead of dealing with our own issues and handling things with some sort of emotional maturity… swipe swipe swipe.

Yeah. I think the basis of people’s issues is ultimately they don’t know who they are, they don’t have a relationship with themselves, so we end up looking for a relationship to compensate for our lack of a relationship with ourselves. And nothing can fill that void, so as soon as our current prospect is no longer an exciting distraction away from our sense of loneliness, we look for another distraction. We live in an age of distraction. Otto von Kernberg wrote about childhood development, saying that the prerequisite condition for having a healthy relationship with others is having one with yourself.

As society has become more materialistic, not just in terms of items and things we consume, but epistemically in terms of our fundamental view of the nature of reality, we search for things outside of us for completion, for a sense of value. People define themselves by the dumbest things, from career to your romantic partner; its all a way to derive social validation and social status. We also live in the social media generation as well, so our primitive inclination towards social status is taken advantage of by technology. The less of a relationship we have with ourselves, the more we seek social validation. At the end of the day, people are not looking for real relationships. They are looking for social validation as a means of having a relationship with themselves. And not knowing your Self is the underlying psychological basis for many of our mental health issues, for which it is no surprise that mental health issues is at an all time high and rising in today’s society. All social dynamics of the human being is more and more conditioned and structured around consumerism and corporations. It’s a really messed up state of affairs we find ourselves in, and it has dire effects in all areas of life, especially relationships.

I wrote a blog post on the self-concept that defines itself by the reactions of others, ie. external validation. It’s interesting, and looking at all of the factors and trends in society, I think for the most part that is where we are in the identity formation process. In my opinion, the best thing you can do right now if you’re single is to take time away from the dating game and work on yourself. Learn to know your Self, how to sit in silence, how to become more and more aware of your own sense of reality and value so that you can derive validation from within. It’s how you become truly confident, subconsciously knowing that rejection or approval has no power over you in any way.

It’s like it’s a matter of the juice being worth the squeeze. People don’t want to work for something unless it is what they perceive as perfection.

I’ve been in a relationship for awhile now, but if I was ever single I would never get Tinder/Bumble/OkCupid etc.

It’s so much better to meet people organically, it let’s you try be friends first before ever trying to date. And before anyone asks, if you got in the friendzone you most likely never had a chance.

I haven’t been friendzoned since grade 8 because I recognized when I had a shot and when I didn’t.

I just got back in from a bumble date. I’m just starting to come back out of a period of longgg singleness and it is so disheartening clinical and depressing, this current dating game. I mean, I have no delusions that real life is “pride and prejudice,” but at the same time… ugh, I so want something more. I want depth and quality and romance. There has to me something more than swipes and small talk about Netflix shows. If this is all there is, pencil me in as the kooky bachelorette aunt, because there’s no way I’m doing this indefinitely. GAH.

The good relationships are built off of suspense and/or a real friendship beforehand. Like, bumble, tinder, all that stuff (when not using for instant gratification), is really shallow at its heart and can lead to some really boring, robotic dates that kind of all blend together. It can be easy to get a date, but not easy to get a good date.

Whereas with a friend, or someone youve had a lot of interaction with prior to going out, you kind of already get over that robotic boring hump, and have had time to develop that „crush“ on someone, legitimately.

Imagine constantly moving from country to country, finally setting down and having the chance for a normal relationship, but only to struggle trying to find someone through any of these awful weird dating apps.

Because you have an intersection of people just looking to sleep around and people who want a serious relationship. The sleeping around people can’t do the whole relationship thing, and the relationship people want the perfect package and aren’t willing to take a chance on anyone that isn’t perfect.

The boy, Tom Hansen, of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he’d never truly be happy until the day he found „the one“. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total misreading of the movie „The Graduate“.

500 days of summer was such a good movie in that it completely ignored the typical Hollywood romance storyline to instead present a realistic, grounded view of relationships. Love it!

we pick partners like a mix of an athlete’s stats and a resume – we have no idea who the person is, what they want, you know, the important stuff – we just know their height, hair color, job, etc and pick from that. then people are so quick to jump ship for „something better“(in quotes because the grass is always greener – aka they think it’s better). we’re all hanging onto pieces of old relationships, we rarely get closure, we have high expectations, but all have something we’ll ignore red flags for(looks/$/etc). everyone’s afraid to be honest because we want as much control as possible(we want to end it on our terms not on the other person’s)

it’s a mess, and I’m part of the problem(not by choice, it just happens I guess)

Why is modern dating such a fucking minefield?

21 Dating Struggles Gay Men Face In Their Twenties

21 Dating Struggles Gay Men Face In Their Twenties

The best dating apps for gay users, since meeting people IRL is hellish

Most people have at least one horror story about online dating. It’s a rite of passage that single people love to hate.

But the horror stories look a little different for members of the LGBTQ community. On top of the classic awkward Hinge date anecdotes and screenshots of a corny bio seeping with secondhand embarrassment, gay singles deal with all sorts of alienating interactions. Baseless questioning of sexual history, harassment, and fetishization — most of it coming from cis straight people who shouldn’t have popped up in your feed in the first place — don’t exactly give one butterflies.

Still, dating apps have become crucial means of introduction for gay folks looking to settle down. A 2019 Stanford study and 2020 Pew Research survey found that meeting online has become the most popular way for U.S. couples to connect — especially for gay couples, of which 28% met their current partner online (versus 11% of straight couples).

But the Pew survey also dredged up those ugly experiences with harassment. This could be where options that bar heterosexual users, like HER and Grindr, come in. Their perfectly-tailored environments are so well-known in the gay community that they’re essentially in a league of their own.

That’s not to say that they’re in the queer dating app market alone. Apps like Zoe, Taimi, and Scruff exist. But their plateauing popularity can be attributed to similar complaints: too many scam profiles and too few legitimate users (ones within a reasonable distance to plan a date, anyway). Chappy was a promising app for gay men that shut down just as it was gaining serious traction.

And at the end of the day, „everyone“ apps are simply where masses of queer users are. Keeping Tinder on the back burner isn’t just a straight people thing, especially for those who live in less-populated areas where Grindr and HER have slim pickings. Plus, some mainstream apps do deserve credit for the steps they’ve taken to create a more inclusive atmosphere. Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge now offer lots of sexual orientation and gender identity options. OkCupid gets kudos for making that change years ago, as well as making social justice a core part of compatibility scoring — which kind of self-curates the type of people on the app.

If you’re LGBTQ and hate leaving your home, you’re not alone. Here are the best dating apps and sites that’ll maximize your opportunities while minimizing your human contact. Bless. (For the best dating apps specifically for lesbians, go here.)

An Honest Review of Gay Dating Apps

I’ve been gay and off-and-on single for too many years to count, so of course I’ve used every possible gay app under the sun. To help you avoid some of the many dating mistakes I’ve made, here’s an honest list of all the various gay dating & hookup apps that I’ve used – my personal experience and reviews of the best (and worst) gay apps.

Everyone has an opinion on the gay apps. They’ve become so ubiquitous and ingrained in our popular culture, they’re impossible to resist. I remember the first time I downloaded Grindr—shortly after it was released. Once The New York Times writers discovered it, the app world seemed to explode with location-based dating apps.

Gay dating wasn’t easy for a long time. I was lucky enough to grow up & come out during the iPhone generation when thousands of new types of apps seemed to be released every day. And the gays were instrumental to that digital boom.

The gay apps have fundamentally changed dating—for E V E R Y O N E, the gays, the straights. It changed LGBTQ nightlife, how we make friends & meet others. Of course there are positives and negatives. AA lot has been said about how gayborhoods around the world have changes; the fact that gay bars and clubs are closing with more frequency because of the changing community. Is it the fault of dating apps and the fact most of us meet online—rather than in a gay club?

Certainly that’s had an effect on the LGBTQ community, but so many of these gay apps have also helped to open up the world at large. It’s hard to fault them entirely for the demise of our community spaces, because I do passionately believe social media has helped to connect us in more meaningful and powerful ways.

And just as its probably kept us at home more often, it’s also allowed us to travel more freely and openly.

Personally, I’ve found gay apps to be extremely useful in making new connections in otherwise challenging situations. I’ve grown up on social media and that’s probably affected how I see (and use) online dating. I don’t think I’ve ever been afraid to meet strangers from the internet—it’s thrilling, exciting, interesting, and even when it’s not: it’s a good story.

So, here’s my honest and complete review of all the gay apps I’ve used. In no particular order:

Dating gay

Gay dating is often thought to not be serious and imply no long-going intentions whatsoever. While for some men it can be true, for others such perspective only complicates the process of finding a partner which is not easy at all anyway. Gay dating sites and apps offer a chance to meet other gay guys, but will such relationship last? Not necessarily.

You might think that being gay you are doomed to either be a struggling lonely soul or a great flirt. We are absolutely sure: there is plenty fish in the sea for gay singles. Here at our aim is to help everyone in need of a soulmate and we believe that your chances multiply if you join or website!

Dating gay

Gay dating is often thought to not be serious and imply no long-going intentions whatsoever. While for some men it can be true, for others such perspective only complicates the process of finding a partner which is not easy at all anyway. Gay dating sites and apps offer a chance to meet other gay guys, but will such relationship last? Not necessarily.

You might think that being gay you are doomed to either be a struggling lonely soul or a great flirt. We are absolutely sure: there is plenty fish in the sea for gay singles. Here at our aim is to help everyone in need of a soulmate and we believe that your chances multiply if you join or website!

Tinder is not to blame – dating has always been horrific and weird

The end of romance? Really? Dating apps may have added the word ‘swipe’ to the language of love, but these scare stories are ridiculous

“Tell me I’ll never be out there again” is the audible wail emitting from your latest copy of Vanity Fair, which contains an already much-discussed investigation into the terrifying world of – what, Isis? The darknet? Leicester Square on a Saturday night? Nope, Tinder.

“Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse” screams the headline and, indeed, the article does paint a brutal picture of modernity where men “order up” women, and women despair at men’s boorishness (“I had sex with a guy and he ignored me as I got dressed and I saw he was back on Tinder”). One academic posits the theory that “there have been two major transitions [in dating] in the last four million years. The first was around 10,000 to 15,000 years ago, in the agricultural revolution, when we became less migratory and more settled. And the second major transition is with the rise of the internet.”

There are two responses that come immediately to mind. Has Vanity Fair only just discovered internet dating? And second, surely there have been certain other developments that have changed dating in the western world more, developments without which internet dating wouldn’t exist. Oh you know, things like women’s liberation, the sexual revolution, the pill. But heaven forfend I should question the wisdom of a pithy academic quoted in a glossy magazine.

Anyway Tinder, with adorable aptness, has reacted to this Vanity Fair article like that awful person you met on an internet dating site who bombards you with constant texts demanding to know why you never got back in touch after that one drink. In a rant of 31 tweets – step away from social media after that late-night bottle of white wine, Tinder, we’ve all been there! – Tinder railed against the magazine’s “incredibly biased view” of something it called “#GenerationTinder”, a moniker guaranteed to make anyone despair of modernity even faster than the offending article in question.

We don’t need to spend time on Tinder’s self-defence, in which it styles itself as the saviour of the human race. Instead, I would like to address the idea that dating apps represent the end of intimacy, as the article suggests. Hmmm, the end of intimacy – that phrase sounds familiar …

“Welcome to the age of un-innocence. No one has Breakfast at Tiffany’s and no one has Affairs to Remember. Instead we have breakfast at 7am, and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible. Self-protection and closing the deal are paramount. Cupid has flown the coop. How the hell did we get into this mess?” mused Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) to the camera in the first episode of Sex and the City. As this was made back in the bleeding cutting edge of 1998, Tinder could not be blamed here. Instead, the programme pointed a manicured finger at women’s liberation and Manhattan weirdness – which, as chance would have it, is precisely what Vanity Fair’s article does too.

The article never says it but the story here is less about Tinder and more about how awful it is to date in New York City – not, you might think, exactly an uncovered issue. It even opens with a scene from “Manhattan’s financial district” to show what modern dating is like, which is like claiming a speed eating competition in Iowa reflects the typical modern attitude to food.

Dating apps may have altered modern dating rituals – namely by adding the term “swipe” to the language of romance – but what Vanity Fair inadvertently shows is that it really hasn’t changed anything about dating in New York, which is where the magazine’s article is set.

At the risk of indulging in the kind of generalisations of which Carrie Bradshaw was so fond, New York dating is a weird mix of frenetic meet-ups and Edith Wharton-like formalised unions of those from similar backgrounds. (For examples of the latter, I refer you to New York Times Vows column, which in one recent and typical entry mentioned eight times that the featured couple had attended Yale.) I dated in New York in my early 30s and can verify that the horrors described in Vanity Fair’s article are very real. But seeing as I lived there before Tinder even existed I, like Carrie Bradshaw, could not blame the dating app for any of them.

But the real crux of these “Tinder is the end of love!!!!!” articles is something as old as dating itself, and that is an older generation’s horror at the dating rituals of the young. Dating stories always sound horrific to those who have left the scene, because dating is generally horrific and awkward and weird, as it should be – otherwise we’d all marry the first person we ever met for coffee. Add in the twist of dating formats altering between generations, and you have a guaranteed reaction of incomprehension topped with hypocrisy.

To hear former liberals of the 80s and 90s, let alone the 60s, tut-tutting over dating apps is to hear the sweet, sweet sound of self-delusion and selective amnesia. (Intriguingly, the article seems utterly unconcerned about Grindr, the dating app for gay men – only heterosexuals, especially women, are at risk of moral degradation, apparently.) Because while dating methods evolve, the human emotions underpinning them never do, namely, hope, loneliness, a search for validation, a generalised desire for sex, and eventually a specific desire for love.

Here’s the sordid truth about dating apps and human behaviour: if you are a jerk in real life, you will be a jerk when you use a dating app. If you are a decent person who gives people a vague modicum of respect, you won’t be. Internet dating gives single people more options – which I think is a good thing – and this will work for some and it will encourage others to turn into compulsive over-daters. Such are the varieties of human nature.

Finally, if you swipe right on guys who work in Manhattan’s financial district, chances are you’ll end up on a date so bad it will become an anecdote. And your friends will look at you and say, “God, tell me I’ll never be out there again.”

International Gay Dating Sites

Gay dating may prove to be a bit of a hassle, especially when you live in a country with citizens that still hold a lot of prejudice when it comes to same-sex relationships. Perhaps the most straightforward way to find love is via dating platforms online.

The best dating apps 2020: straight, gay or bi, find love whatever your orientation

There was a time when dating services may have been considered a last resort in the long, arduous hunt for love. But fast-forward to 2020 and everything has changed.

Nowadays if you’re young (or not-so-young), free and single, chances are you have Tinder, Bumble or the hottest new dating app around between staples, like Instagram and Deliveroo, on your homescreen. 

Dating apps are more popular than ever, which means the demand for intuitive experiences, quality connections and more diversity is more important than ever too. 

That’s why we’re here to help you before you begin your swiping spree. Take a look at our pick of the best dating apps around in 2020 – catering to a wide range of preferences and orientations. 

We’d also like to add that we didn’t just look at the app stores to come up with this list, we also quizzed a wide range of dating app guinea pigs, from those who used them once and found a soulmate to those who use them regularly for everything from relationships to flings.

So whatever your preferences, and whatever you’re looking for, check out our selection of the best dating apps on offer right now. We’ll keep updating this list as new apps are released, because dating apps are becoming even more specific to help you find the perfect partner.

10 Best Gay Dating Apps 2020(That Work, No BullSh*T)!

Dating was never easy, be you gay or straight, this tricky land mine of a thing has always been one of the hardest parts of finding someone. Specially, if you are gay, it gets harder to meet likeminded people, because well, sexual orientation is not stamped on people’s forehead now is it guys? But, recently there have been pretty successful apps in function that caters to Gay Dating, bringing together a directory full of single people looking to find their partner.

Before we dive right in to the bare bones of the list, I would like to just say that we are not affiliated in form with these App companies and receive no form of handouts in cash or kind to promote them. So, feel free to go through our Editor’s Choice of the 10 Best Gay Dating Apps in 2017.

U2nite

This app again is catered towards gay men and its pretty clear from their promotional pictures. Yet, it has proved to be a very active app for gay men looking to have an encounter with a partner.

What makes this app rather unique is their robust privacy settings, you can hide your location if you are insecure or even shy. It’s a good app for gay men who are introverts and having difficulties in approaching people.

With is growing data base this is one of those apps that instantly catches your attention with good user interface.

Available on both IOS and Android, this app is sure to help you find your sweetheart today.

Best Gay Dating Sites 2021 in Australia

Now that dating someone of the same sex is relatively normal, meeting the perfect man won’t take much time, right? Not really sweetie; you see, gay dating is a challenge on its own.

Online Dating Advice

is a free online resource that strives to offer helpful content and comparison features to our visitors. We accept advertising compensation from companies that appear on the site, which impacts the location and order in which brands (and/or their products) are presented, and also impacts the score that is assigned to it. Company listings on this page DO NOT imply endorsement. We do not feature all providers on the market. Except as expressly set forth in our Terms of Use, all representations and warranties regarding the information presented on this page are disclaimed. The information, including pricing, which appears on this site is subject to change at any time.

Best Gay Dating Sites 2021 in the U.S.

Now that dating someone of the same sex is relatively normal, meeting the perfect man won’t take much time, right? Not really sweetie; you see, gay dating is a challenge on its own.

1. Grindr

We all knew we would start here. Miss thing is the standard, the OG, the black monolith that appeared before the chimps in 2001: A Space Odyssey and changed the face of man. Except in this case, all the primates are yelling “Got a dick pic!? Got a dick pic!?”

Grindr sets up the basic template of how all gay dating is or isn’t: everything is reactive to Grindr whether it wants to be or not, so if you like or dislike this app is going to formulate where you go from here. Grindr, fundamentally, is based around location: men appear in order of descending proximity and everything else goes from there. You can filter by various categories, but fundamentally, the nearer they are the more you will see them. Get used to seeing the same 30 faces and get used to running into them at Waitrose every Saturday, even after they turned you down.

The most blessed and cursed thing about Grindr is – because it’s so ubiquitous – that it really is a broad church. Here you will find the fetishists just trying to indulge their kink (totally fine!) the couples looking for a third (also fine!), the people trying to organise chemsex parties (slightly less fine!), the escorts trying to find clientele (should be more fine!), the straight boys without a pic on the hunt or dick (a very thorny thicket!) and maybe, just maybe, a G B or T person looking for a hook-up or a date.

Grindr has improved a lot over the years: you now have the ability to post multiple pictures, alert someone if you’re into them without having to say a word, and actually get bloody notifications without paying.

There are also some interesting additions of recent, including the fact profiles now allow you to mention your preferences about being sent, or receiving, NSFW. You can engage in all the usual conversational beats – “Hey, wuu2?”, “Got pix?”, “Top or btm?”, “Host or travel?”, “Into smells?” – or you can try to play it a bit different. No shade, all T: Grindr is the most economical and ergonomic of dating platforms and if that’s not your scene – if you’re looking for the nebulous, wibbly-wobbly badinage of human interaction – that’s not what this menu was ever designed for. That being said, you may find some people looking for conversation! That’s not impossible! But don’t judge people if that’s not why they’re here: Grindr has a very utilitarian role to play and it does it well. Nobody came into the digital world looking for the sexual prude police. Judge nobody and dox no one.

3. Chappy

Known for: allowing you to filter out men based on your intentions

When I used Chappy back in the day, its main sell was the sliding scale at its top: slide in one direction and you could filter for men looking for “mr right”. Sliding the toggle in the other direction got you “mr right now”. As it was new, and late to the party, it meant that people flocking to the app were ones tired of the current market and looking for something new. I had a pretty high ratio of good dates, anecdotally. The scale has changed what it allows you to filter between and they’re still trying to settle on what exactly the two poles will be, but it can be useful for those who want – without blocking account after account – a way of find people who are looking for exactly the same outcome.

It’s from the people behind Bumble (and other apps) and was born out of a desire to provide an alternative to the Grindr-centric marketplace. It’s got, probably, a smaller pool, but a pool that has had enough of the rest of the options out there and is looking for something different. If that’s been your experience so far, you’ll probably find someone like-minded there.

Worth noting: as part of the Badoo and Bumble family, Chappy also has video dating services available for users if you want to meet the people you speak to but are still not comfortable meeting in person.

5. Surge

Surge is… I mean, it’s… what is Surge? It’s… Well, it’s the exact same interface as Tinder, but for gay men. But here’s the thing: have you ever heard of Surge? Who is using Surge? What are people getting from this app? If you really enjoy the ability to swipe left and right because the gamification of human sexuality is a real thrill for you, Surge gives you all you want and more. Otherwise, there’s nothing to suggest this app is a home to any particular approach to dating, or demographic, that you wouldn’t find on more mainstream apps. 

6. Growlr

A dating app specifically for bears, cubs and all men who fancy those aforementioned dad bods. Whether you enjoy the categorisation of gay men’s bodies or not, these apps exist and people use them. If you yourself feel a little bit more body-conscious and want to be in a space where being both sexual and thicc is praised rather than risky, Growlr might be an excellent starting point even if you move on elsewhere.

7. Mr X

Formerly known as “Mister”, Mr X is designed for gay men over the age of 30. It’s not particularly competent, or especially jazzy, and when you get to smaller apps with less known niches it’s often just a smaller pool of the same people you saw on Grindr and Scruff. But Mr X does exist. Since coming back under its new, slightly sci-fi name, Mr X also works in the background to try and find you potential partners who match the type of men you’re already trying to date (a lot of apps keep track of the categories most of the men you’re trying to chirpse belong to: Scruff’s data I often found dangerously illuminating). In that way it’s not dissimilar to Hinge and is also available on desktop as well.

The founder of Mr X, Carl Sandler, also founded Daddyhunt – an app designed for meeting “daddies” – and Knki, an app for people in the fetish community. If either of those happen to be your particular taste, they also might be worth trying.

8. Adam4Adam

Adam4Adam – a long-standing American dating website, predominantly used in the US and yet also sponsoring posts among the European thots I just happen to follow on Instagram – has now moved into the app game as well. Adam4Adam has somewhat garnered a reputation as a place where untoward types would find closeted gay servicemen and public figures and out them. This isn’t the site’s fault, but institutional homophobia’s, but it’s worth mentioning. The site is free and also offers live cams, pornography and a sex shop.

9. Romeo

Known for: being the gay equivalent of the European Union

Otherwise known as PlanetRomeo and GayRomeo, this site and app are both huge in German speaking countries. If you’re in MunichZurich or Vienna, you may have more success using Romeo than other apps. That being said, usage in the UK is low – about 2 per cent of its total user base in 2016 – so it might not be your best domestic bet.

10. Hornet

Known for: keeping gay men in dangerous countries safe

Never heard of Hornet? The likelihood is that you live in a country where homophobia isn’t a criminal offence. Although Hornet exists all over the world, it becomes a saving grace in countries where Grindr is banned or dangerous due to fake profiles being out to catch you and incriminate you (Saudi Arabia, Chechnya, etc, etc). For example, Hornet is the biggest gay dating app in Turkey, where you’re “safe” in Istanbul and Ankara but in danger everywhere else. The thing is that it’s also an app where people are being incredibly discreet due to the same dangers. It’s also not safe to use Hornet in some countries, like Indonesia, where it was banned in 2016, or the UAE.

11. Squirt

Squirt has long been proud of being an uncensored online hub for cruising. It then made the move into a slightly-more-censored dating app, Squirt Mobile. It’s perhaps the most explicit and the most body-focused. If that’s your vibe, this might be the one for you.

13. The straight ones

Known for: being focused more on dating than hook-ups

The apps designed for heterosexuals have slowly but surely also become homes for sodomy, though with something like Bumble the purpose is different: as the fundamental sell is that women can initiate conversation. As we have actively exorcised them from said conversation, it’s basically just Tinder until Bumble decides that only bottoms can say hello.

However, while it might seem that trying to force our square peg into a round hole is the wrong way to go, they are worth the time. It’s less geographical, so the pool is wider and often gay, bisexual and trans users have come here because they want to date more than they want to hook-up, if that’s what you’re after.

In my experience, the apps have more selective and more exasperated user pools as you go from biggest to smallest: Tinder is basically the same as trying to get dick on a bus, Bumble is full of the people who are sick of Tinder’s shit, Hinge is for those who found Bumble too exasperating. I got to the Bumble level and then I found my boyfriend and love of my life, which is a shame in some ways because Hinge seems like a really great app for making strong connections and not a shame in the more important way that I’ve got somebody who I can use as an excuse to get out of social events I don’t want to go to.

10 Types of Gay Men to Avoid

Gay dating has always been sort of tricky. First, there’s the issue of figuring out if there’s a mutual attraction.

Second, there is the entire matter of compatibility in the bedroom. Here we are talking about who prefers to do what and if that person is any good at it. Let’s be real – that’s an important thing to a lot of gay men!

Third, both guys need to figure out if the interest level goes beyond a mere hookup. In other words:

Once you move past the three big pre-dating hurdles, you slip into the world of observational dating.

This is where things become really interesting because during this phase, you have the opportunity to test the mettle of the man and see it the guy is a good fit. Is he emotionally available for example?

Observational dating involves checking out the dude’s behaviors during time spent together and assessing what the heck you are dealing with. Usually during the observation phase, no relational commitment is made. Instead, things are kept casual, which allows either party the freedom to call it quits should they so desire.

10 Types of Gay Men You Never Want to Date

What follows are 10 types of guys gay men want to date, based on different personality characteristics. These “10 types” were created through observations and commentary collected in an unscientific web survey, plus the input of a few experts in the field of gay couples counseling.

Disclaimer: This list is not exhaustive and may or may not apply to your situation. Think of these as characteristics rather than hard and fast rules. Additionally, for every negative characteristic listed here there are positive traits you should consider. The point however of this article is help you figure out the ones you absolutely don’t want to deal with.

To help visually illustrate the 10 types, we’ve included an infographic.

1. The Cheapskate

Cheapskates usually rear their penny pinching heads early in the dating process. Typically, this type of gay man will make no effort to reach for their wallet and almost expects that you pay for outings, like dinners and movies.

When they are placed in a situation where they must pay for something, they often nickel and dime it to the point that it takes all joy out of whatever is planned.

The difference between a cheapskate and someone who is frugal is that cheapskates opt for “cheap” or “free” over quality, to pay.

2. Prima Donna

Prima Donnas are perhaps one of the biggest personality types you want to avoid as a gay man.

These particular individuals are overly fussy, narcissistic and self-important.

Usually, they make it to the observational dating stage by using charm, coupled with good looks, which are used to pull an unsuspecting gay man into their world of “fans”.

This type of gay man makes it all about them and simply must be the center of attention wherever they go.

Likely, they will not ask about what’s going on with you, your life or your family.

3. The Player

Players can be difficult to spot at first because like the narcissistic pre-madonna, they use charm and good looks to suck in their prey. Players give the vibe of being casual and easy going, which can be powerfully magnetic, given how many gay men are attracted to this type of energy.

Players however can be spotted fairly quickly by closely examining their words and through observing their interactions with others.

4. The Party Dude/Drunk

This is another type of guy you want to avoid for serious dating. In the gay world, use of alcohol and certain types of party favors is not uncommon. And it is important to state that just because someone uses alcohol or “parties” from time to time doesn’t make them un-datable. However, when you have situation where the guy needs to constantly liquor up or use something else in order to have fun or enjoy intimacy, you are likely dealing with the party dude/drunk.

5. The Dating Junky

Dating junkies are gay men who get all caught up in the “newness” of dating you but as soon as things start to get serious, they drop you like a hot potato.

Dating junkies thrive on perpetually being in a state of going out on new dates or meeting new people. They never hang around long enough to see if something long-term can develop because they think “something better” might be out there.

6. The Drama Queen

In the gay world of dating, drama queens are not that difficult to spot. In fact, they are super simple to detect because of their overt nature. Drama queens are addicted to chaos, confusion and indecision. They are quick to overreact, take things way too personally and make everything a crisis.

When they are not making mountains out of molehills, they are inserting themselves into other people’s chaos or worse, pulling you into their world of craziness. In many ways, drama queens are addicted to the non-stop emotional roller coaster of highs and lows and experiences few periods of stability. Enough said.

7. The Self-Loather

Self-loathing gay men are very difficult to date. They have a chip inside of them that for whatever reasons makes them think they need to deny who they are. Characteristically, self-loathers claim to not be like “other gay men” and over emphasize masculinity to the point that it can be a turn off. Self-loathers avoid any hint of public displays of affection (PDA) and constantly need to distance themselves from anything that may be remotely seen as “gay”.

Final Thoughts

The 10 personality types offered here speak in generalities and certainly do not represent the entirety of gay men. To be fair, many of the characteristics presented in this article apply to straight men as well.

These general traits however are important to be mindful of. You don’t want to date a guy, at least in the long term sense, if they are one (or more) of the types that appear here.

And it is completely possible for a dude to occupy several of these “types” all at once. Should you involved with someone like that, you really have problems.

So there you have it – the 10 types of gay men you never want to date. Now go out and find your dream man!

Comments

“The User” is described well in this article , but can be expanded on. I dated a “user” for a year, but he used me in the sense that he just wanted someone to hang out with while he went on dates behind my back in search of “the one”. It was a very bad experience and ended badly. I still feel the sting from it, and it’s been awhile since the break up.

These traits scare me man I could read about a nice personality ! Being gay should be about sexual orientation, not psycho disfunction. .

This should be about highlighting and warning people of these specific behaviors, and not to label or make these kinds of people seem ‚difficult to date‘. Everyone has flaws, it’s merely how they are handled. Unfortunately, as I’ve run into men that fit under these terms used, I try to keep an open mind.

Also, it’s formally known as ‚prima donna‘ not ‚pre-Madonna‘. (I know this, thanks to „Primadonna“ by Marina and The Diamonds).

This is the entire gay community! Who is left to date?

Too bad we didn’t have this head’s up before we set out finding these human trainwrecks, in the first place.

Well I’m none of those the only problem I faced in the LGBT community is the fact that these guys don’t even want to give me a try because I’m black

John Hollywood, that was so true what you said about some of the gay men. Why I say this? I was with one for seven years until I told him to hit the road. Mine was the type of man that was gay as a 33 dollar bill, but had to be drunk first to admit it. When he was sober, his whole personality changed. It was like he was a totally different man. He would not say a word to anyone while sober to the point I thought and others thought he was socially retarded. When he started drinking, you could not shut him up. He became extremely passionate, actually the life of the party. Then the next day back to the other person that was so shy, that people often ask him if he was ill. So yes your right on and I had one and no thank you John Hollywood don’t want another one. Again thanks for the important information. Rex.

looks like I’m undateable, I’m the complete mix between drunk and date junkie, with a little of overachiever and just a bit of pre- madonna. -_-

Just wanted to say that it’s a bit unfair telling people that they shouldn’t date guys who aren’t fully comfortable with how they look. Only because someone doesn’t want to take his shirt off because he fears he might be judged or simply doesn’t feel comfortable doesn’t mean he is a bad person who you shouldn’t date.

Buyer beware, I fit into a few of the categories be it. You left out judgmental close minded guy who is quick the to label everyone and pretend that he is above it all. This is the guy will point out everyones imperfections and even write articles on the subject because according to them, there is nothing bad about themselves.

I found your article to be very informative. I finally understand who i have been dating. Thank you so much.

John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on June 23, 2016:

@mediicineman. Why don’t you write something yourself? Easy to criticize. It’s another thing to actually write. Now enjoy your day, ya hear? Buy bye!

Never dated, but using this to try and characterise myself to figure out where I stand in the whole gay image thing, I realise I don’t really fit into any of these. I don’t really know how to feel now. I’m responsible with money, but not a cheapskate. I don’t like attention at all cause I guess I have social anxiety. I need the emotional side satisfied before being attracted to a guy enough to want something significant. I don’t go out, at all. Occasionally with a mate once a month. I haven’t dated before. I hate drama as it is to much time and energy gone to waste. I accept my flaws and try to build upon them and change. I only keep people around me if they build me up, I don’t think that’s using, more that there’s no point in having or being around someone that your of no use to. Ive managed to achieve a degree and stuff and constantly aim to get better, but not to be the best. And I aim to lead a healthy lifestyle and try to stay in shape to an extent but not so much so that its my life. I’m also 21, Indian and and have been openly gay since I was 17.

Just wondering what does this mean then if I don’t fall into any of these categories? Or if I do, which one/ones do I fall into and how could I improve on myself? So confused………….

Its well written and lengthy but kind of comes off as superficial. I mean those traits are obviously visible no-no’s which anyone can spot on in less than a day’s worth of interaction. I was probably looking for more depth i guess. Things everyone would easily miss out on. Like tell me something I don’t know.

So It must be really difficult to you to find a guy. Because you’re a mix of at least 3 of those types. You’re creating stereotypes, but you forgot you’re the first stereotype every gay men want to avoid: the self proclamed mister perfect, implying he’s a sort of leader but never saying it because it conveys a bad image. The type of guy who think he’s in rigth to decide who is to avoid, and wath everyone needs.

Your narrow minded vision of the world only belong to you, so don’t speak as if you’re telling us a bible.

The term is „prima donna“, not „pre-Madonna“. An Italian word for first lady; a diva, not an era of time before Madonna.

This is sad as most gay men fit into onevircseveral of these slots.

My question is where does a college student living on financial aid because of taking 16 + credit hours of classes fit into this category? people who live off of financial aid often have tight budgets and can’t afford to pay for a lot of the „dates“ you claim that cheapskates don’t want to pay for. Is it so bad to do something free or something that is within a budget? While I do think that there is truth to a lot of these traits, there are a lot that attenuate from a persons unique situations.

John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on April 24, 2015:

Corriea Mattina from Moon Beach, New York on April 23, 2015:

4/23/15 8:24p HubPages 10 Types of Guys You Never Want to Date John Hollywood The List encompasses a lot of Men and I do recognize some of the usual suspects but I wonder are there Any Men left to even approach for maybe a “Hey…“

Too much overlap with what I avoid in a straight woman. Don’t tell them I said that!

Since many if not most of us cannot abide drama queens of whatever nationality, type, etc. is there away to create a secret garden for them?

For any who are unaware of the concept of a „secret garden“ certain forums and websites supposedly keep a special place just for spammers and bots. So the bots and spammers spend all their time talking to each other and never know that no real human sees what they do.

John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on January 25, 2015:

I think you should add, „He has 2000 facebook friends who are all musclebears and look just like him, and no other type of friends.“ Most likely-PLAYER!

It’s refreshing to see articles like this geared toward gay men. I have seen so many gay men hurt and even destroyed because of these type of guys. Most people (that includes MEN, GAY MEN) want to love and be loved. The issue now: finding that other man who wants to love and be share the responsibility of love. Yes, to love is to be response able.

John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on January 09, 2015:

Thanks for stopping by Cardisa! You made some great points here and yep, these can apply to the ladies for sure!

This list also goes for women and which men to avoid dating! You are right about the overachiever, he might be the only one worth dating on this list because of his stability. Yet, he might make you feel like a failure because he’s so competitive.

I ‚m thinking that number four might have problems with his identity and coming to terms with being gay, hence using alcohol all the time, even for intimacy.

Invaluable for a newbe! Often get confused about guys, especially when get butterflies with them. This page certainly makes sense who not to waste one’s energy on. Bless.

. not easy to be gay in such preconcived USA,first, just by coming out as gay, there you have it. alll the stereotypes of the the heterosexual world

there is one thing FOR SURE americans are good for, and its STEREOTYPES….

oh by the way. im a gay dude from central where do i fit through the stereotypical glass of the all mighty American Empire…

John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on October 20, 2014:

I think you guys meant „Prima Donna“ NOT „pre-madona“ LOL

John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on October 17, 2014:

I agree Maximum! Sadly, we have a lot of people who don’t understand this!

Sure, gobblegobble, no one’s perfect, but it’s not an excuse for users to use people, or for people to go on dates, but then drop their date when they get bored. One doesn’t have to have „some false sense of perfection“ to look for someone who won’t USE them! NO ONE wants that.

John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on October 16, 2014:

Pure trash, all this article achieves is perpetuate an unobtainable ideal no one is that perfect. Everyone has a personality specific to them, all these articles do is pander to shallow people who go out searchong for some false sense of perfection, when they shoild probably take a better look at their own personaility first.

John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on September 28, 2014:

Thanks a lot for this amazing write up..I can not stop laughing at how true i have been a victim of users and self loathers!

John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on September 02, 2014:

Thanks, Desi! I appreciate you stopping by and thanks for sharing and for the offer!

Hi, I enjoyed reading your article and I have a blog with the name desigaylife do t c o m. I find your article very refreshing and touching the key points and taking into account the diversity in gay world. Let me know if you would like to guest write for my blog.

John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on August 27, 2014:

Hi Maximum – thanks for stopping by! Yep, these are universal traits for sure lol.

Oh, so true (re: Final Thoughts) – these are characteristics of straight men I don’t want to date either.

1. You tend to judge the ~success~ of your dating life on heteronormative standards.

„Growing up, I loved romantic comedies that depicted the happy endings of straight couples. So when I started dating, I viewed what I wanted from those examples. But I’ve learned that those romantic conventions don’t work when you are trying to date a queer person. The dynamic of two men being together IS DIFFERENT. Queer men are varying shades of the rainbow.“ —Chris, 25

3. The gay group you fall into can influence how and who you date.

„Gay apps usually come with some sort of sorting hat for your ‚gay tribe.‘ It sucks that there is so much division within the gay community in that respect. It seems each tribe comes with its own set of rules for dating. I just wish inter-tribal dating/mingling wasn’t an issue, but it seems to be for some people. I’m a twink who loves with it.“ —Danny, 25

4. The dating pool is smaller for gay men compared to straight men.

„Let’s be real. Even in this day and age, a gay bar is still a novelty. Straight bars outnumber those geared toward a gay demographic. When I step into a predominately heterosexual establishment, I feel like I have to be on guard and really careful with the people I choose to flirt with. Even on apps, you see the same damn people ALL. THE. TIME.“ —Matt, 27

5. HIV stigma still runs rampant.

„If you are gay and in your twenties, chances are you’ve seen someone write ‚drugs and disease free‘ or ’negative you should be too‘ in their profiles. HIV impacts everyone, no matter your sexuality, but it’s still a hot button issue in the gay community, especially in dating. People are too quick not to go on a date with someone because of their status or will refuse a second date once they find out. I feel like a lot of twentysomethings, because of immaturity, aren’t as informed about the disease and stigmatize it.“ —Christian, 27

7. Keeping up with all the apps geared toward gay men is a full-time job.

„Between Grindr and talking to people on all the others, it takes up a few hours a day. I once went on four dates in a day. When you are constantly texting multiple people and don’t respond to one, you get the infamous question mark text. You never intended to break someone’s heart. It’s just a lot.“ —Taylor, 22

8. You know so much about a person before a date that there’s just no more mystery.

„Because of dating apps, you can find out where a guy works, what kind of company he keeps, and all the places he’s lived before even meeting him. On one hand, this is kind of great because you get to weed out a lot of clunkers you wouldn’t want to spend time with. On the other hand, it sucks because there’s less for you to discover from spending actual, in-person time with him.“ —Dylan, 29

9. You are made to feel like you are not masculine enough on a weekly basis.

„When ‚Masc4Masc‘ and ‚Straight Acting‘ are no longer a thing, then a lot of our dating problems would be eliminated. You can be having a great conversation with a guy online, then, at the slightest suspicion that you are a total queen, you are ghosted. on. We just need to learn that some guys really are into Britney Spears while others really do love monster trucks, but that doesn’t define what they can bring to dating or a relationship.“ —Jeremy, 22

10. Every guy you date has different relationship goals.

„The biggest struggle of dating is the internal battle one undergoes when deciding if he wants an open, polyamorous, or monogamous relationship. I’ve been in all three relationships and neither was perfect, but all provided wonderful learning and growth opportunities. […] While I have generalities of what I want from being in all the different relationship structures, I can certainly tell you that one size does NOT fit all. Relationship dynamics are unique. The relationship I want with one man is not exactly the same kind I’d want with another.“ —Zakh, 26

12. You can encounter some racial hangups.

„Along the lines of masc guys saying they don’t want fem guys to message them, guys clearly state they don’t want ‚ethnic guys.‘ Race in dating, even in 2015, seems like an issue. Can’t you just date me for me and not be turned on/off by my tan skin? Why do I have to worry if someone ONLY dates Latin guys? Why do I need to find a guy at an ‚Urban Night?'“ —Joaquín, 24

13. The closet is STILL very real for a lot of people.

„Nothing’s worse than getting a message from a guy online who refuses to show you a picture because they are ‚discreet.“ If you are an out and proud gay man, it’s hard to date someone who doesn’t want to be seen with you/hold your hand in public. It’s like you are a mistress but aren’t since you both are single. I understand that people are in very different places in their coming-out process when they are 20. Each guy is at a different place in their gay maturity. Though I respect that, I still want to find someone in a similar place of coming out. It can feel like babysitting otherwise.“ —Eddie, 28

14. There is always someone around to tell you that your twenties are for fun, not dating.

„The biggest struggle that I have while I’m dating is when a guy thinks that I’m ~too young~ to date. Even though they’re absolutely correct, maybe my idea of fun is not being single. I know what ‚wild and crazy fun‘ is out there, but I already got it out of my system. I feel that I’m ready to settle down. So yeah, I have every right to want to be with someone.“ —Tom, 22

15. Some guys your own age don’t take anything seriously.

„Every guy I’ve ever met that’s my age just doesn’t have their shit together. They’re too busy partying, going crazy, sleeping around, or being too narcissistic to care about someone else. I feel like a lot of the younger gays lack empathy and just don’t possess the qualities necessary to have a healthy relationship. Everyone seems to have a few screws loose that I’ve met, and it just doesn’t end up working out.“ —AJ, 21

16. You really don’t know if you should date older or younger.

„I feel too young to commit, but also an insatiable desire for stability. In the past couple years, I’ve dated older men because I wanted a solid, responsible man in my life, but these dates only helped me realize that I’m not ready to be comfortable yet. And while I’m not dating older men now, I can’t help but feel immediately disconnected from people my own age.“ —Andrew, 22

19. Dating seems to have a system of rules.

„Relationships and dating are not the same thing. I’m so tired of going on one date with a guy and then he thinks we are an item. And, in general, I despise this notion we have in our culture today that you have to be practically already in a relationship to date. After seeing an attractive guy, you have to make small talk. Then, after trading numbers/social media, you make attempts to hang out with the person in large group settings. Only when you have learned about the person do you ask them on a date. It’s not that serious. If you see a guy you like, ask him out. If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out.“ —Grant, 22