Gay (Online) Dating 101

So, you’ve decided meeting that hottie across the bar, and asking him out on a date after throwing back six shots, wasn’t the best idea. Or maybe your gaydar was malfunctioning when you thought that bored-looking guy standing with a stroller outside of Claire Taylor in the mall would make a good date. Either way, welcome to Gay (Online) Dating 101.

This article intends to teach all gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender persons, or whomever the ins and outs of the online dating world. Though online dating sites are skewed toward either straight men and women or gay men, offer, or at least pretend to offer, options for the rest of the LBTIQ.

Prior to Internet dating—though some who read this will not have a clue what I’m talking about—dating ads were placed in magazines and newspapers. They, in fact, still can be found in many major papers and local mags.

The personals section usually was stereotyped as the place the truly desperate or ugly would go to find true love. The stereotype was reinforced because television shows and movies usually made it look just like that. In all honesty, personal ads generally have been for people who are fed up with the typical routes of dating, aka the bars, and decided to try a new path to love.

With the popularity of the Internet came the popularity of Internet personals. The concept hasn’t changed—it just has gone high-tech, and now includes options for photos, videos, and longer introductions to complete strangers.

So, let’s move on to Lesson One: Finding the right site for you.

This may seem like an easy task, but isn’t a dating site. Let’s note that eharmony isn’t either, unless you’re straight and a good Christian—it has denied this, but no GLBT person ever has had “a match.”

Some traditional dating sites advertise themselves as just that. We have , Yahoo! Personals, OutPersonals, Personals, JDate (for gay Jews), and a score of smaller ones, plus a handful of local ones that require just a quick search of the Internet.

These can also be useful when trying to narrow down what type of person you are, or what you are looking for. These sites generally are true to their goals. They are meant to truly help people find dates. Some of them feature free personals.

Yahoo! Personals offers a free profile, but severely limits what someone can do. It won’t allow those with free personals actually to reply to messages they like, but rather just lets them click on an option showing they are interested in that profile.

The average price range is about $20 a month, with sites like giving six months free when six months are purchased.

Perhaps your pocketbook can’t take a new monthly bill, especially one that possibly won’t prove to benefit you in any way (like allowing you to flip a switch and turn on your lights).

Other sites are less “personals,” and more “other.” has its actual chat room, which is free, unless you want to access some of the more advanced features. Another popular gay-only site is Manhunt, which allows you to “Hook up with the guy next door,” and advertises, “The Hunt is on.” Both sites allow similar profiles to the other sites, but allow live, instant chatting, though neither is geared toward dating specifically.

Lesson Two: Now that you’ve picked your site(s), what do you say?

Most sites have some kind of approval process for what can be said in your profile. So, yes, some random person will be looking at what you say, and deciding if it’s OK. The reason the sites do this is to ensure your safety (and to make sure you don’t try to get around the rules by saying you can be contacted on your free instant messenger instead of paying the site). But generally, it’s for your safety.

Never should you enter personal information like full name, phone numbers, addresses, etc. If you don’t like having a telemarketer calling you during supper, imagine what happens when somebody you told “No!” ends up knocking at your door at 3 AM, screaming, “Why don’t you love me!”

Beyond that, the sky is the limit. Maybe you are looking for someone who likes long walks on the beach at night, or eating romantic candlelit dinners. Or, perhaps you want your true love to slap you around, and require safety words. This is the amazement of the online dating world: Anyone can find anyone, anywhere in the world.

Remember: Be as honest as possible when filling out the questionnaires that some sites require, or when adding text to your minibiography. Unless you’re just bored, and have lots of cash to burn, you’re paying these sites for a genuine purpose—which brings us to our next lesson.

Lesson Three: Rules and Etiquette of online dating.

The first and foremost rule: Just because you were raised to be a nice and honest person does not mean everyone else was. Rejection happens, sometimes in very cruel, hateful ways that may suggest your face was hit with both sides of the ugly stick. Be prepared to be rejected. If this is a problem with you, perhaps allow people only to contact you, instead of contacting them. This will help lessen any major rejections that may occur.

At no time are you or anyone else on the site obligated to chat with each other, so if you don’t like a person, try to tell him or her kindly that you are not interested. If that doesn’t work, find ignore options or other ways to suggest you aren’t interested (see ugly stick comment for references).

Honesty is the best policy. At some point, if things go well, the two of you may want to meet in person. If this should happen, your date may be turned off when discovering that you don’t have a six-pack, or your athletic demeanor is more like a lazy sports fan who sits on the couch seven nights a week eating nothing but chips. Most people don’t have a perfect body, so don’t be ashamed if you don’t. Chances are your date doesn’t either.

Lesson Four: Now that you’ve met your online interest, it’s time to meet them in person.

First rule: Never, ever meet someone you are not comfortable meeting, no matter what he or she says. Anyone who ever has watched the news knows this is a bad idea. Online dating is more popular than ever, and with it comes the dangers, which never should be underestimated.

But, assuming you’ve chatted for a few hours—or a few years—and you now feel it is time to take the next step in the relationship, a nice, crowded place is preferable. Just because that secluded spot in the woods is pretty as the sun is setting does not mean it’s a good place to meet some random person. You should let a friend know what you are doing just in case something goes wrong, or you need to fake an emergency phone call that will require you to leave your date early.

Sites like offer numerous tips for your safety before and after meeting someone. Do what you feel comfortable with.

So, you’ve gone through the process of picking the site you think best suits your needs, set up your profile, chatted up some cute person you really think is great, and met him. Now what? Assuming that person thinks the same, you’re all set, and you can cancel your account. If not, well, that’s why places like offers six months free.

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Gay Dating 101 – Is He Flirting With Me?

Sometimes it can be hard when you’re dating to understand certain signals. When it comes to gay dating you want to be sure that you’re reading the signals correctly. What are the signs that guy is flirting with you? Here are some signs that will tell you if he is interested in you or not. One of the first signs that he is flirting with you is an attentiveness and listening to what you have to say. If he is interested in what you have to say, that he may very well be interested in you.

The second idea is that he will be sending sly smiles your way. This can be another evident sign that he likes you and wants to flirt with you. Does he actively seek you out? Does he follow you around a room? This can be a sure sign that he likes you and is interested in you. If he is giving you the eye and making eye contact with you consistently, then it is a given that he is interested in you and flirting with you. If he comes up to you and introduces himself to you and makes a point to introduce himself to you then he is interested and may be flirting with you.

If he actually calls you then he’s interested in you. if phone conversations are teasing and flirty then yes he is flirting with you. if you sitting right next to you physically close to you then that is another sure sign that he is interested in you especially if he engages you in conversation. This is a sure sign that he does like you. You can tell what he is interested in you especially if he’s making flirting or teasing maneuvers. If he brushes against you for the littlest reason, then you can be sure that he likes you.

These are just some of the signs that he may be flirting with you. Teasing you is one way that you can be sure that he is flirting with you. There are many more signals that you can see a sign that he wants to flirt. All the signals listed above are sure signs of someone wanting to flirt. Take the time to recognize the signals when they’re given and you won’t miss a flirting session with an interested party.

So if the guy you’re with is sending you the signals, it’s a sure sign that he’s flirting with you. Laugh and flirt along with him. Who knows, you may find yourself in a good relationship with laughter and love. Go into the right places can also introduce you to someone who will flirt with you. You’re not reading the signals wrong, he truly does like you and wants to flirt with you. The signals were unmistakable when he wants to flirt. There is no way you will miss those signals. If he’s giving you those signals that he wants to flirt. Knowing the right signals will help you tell if he’s flirting or not.

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Gay Dating 101 - Is He Flirting With Me?

17 Practical Gay Dating Tips for the New Age

One: Turn off your Grindr profile before the date begins, even if that’s where you found him. That little „pop“ sound while you give him flowers is a romantic buzz kill.

Two: You’re „Checking In“ at the restaurant where you’ve made dinner reservations? Seriously? Nothing like telling 5,000 Facebook friends the location of your intimate rendezvous.

Three: Do not „friend“ your date on Facebook before or after the initial meeting. If you’re not a good match (and dates are like new restaurants; about one in eight survive), you’re both going to share that awkward moment of „Do I un-friend him or keep reading about his ‚Why do I always meet losers?'“ updates.

Four: Even though gay men love to label everyone, they despise being labeled. So whether he’s a Bear, Twink, Twunk, Cub, Daddy, Dilf, Otter, Chub, Gym Rat, Gym Bunny, or any of the other zillion names we give one another, only address him in generic terms, like handsome, sexy, hung. If he’s 22 years old and wears glasses and weighs 108 pounds and says „for some reason people tend to think I’m a Twink,“ feign surprise and say „men are so into labels.“ Then help him lift his martini glass to his lips and move on.

Five: If you’re over thirty and at least four years older than your date, don’t be surprised if he calls you Daddy. Take it as a compliment; do not take it as a reason to pick up the check.

Six: Unless he can juggle or tap dance in bed, „versatile bottom“ means only one thing, so be prepared to take charge if things go well. If you’re lying when you call yourself a „versatile top,“ either call it quits now or start working on your oral communication skills.

Seven: If he insists on taking „important calls“ several times during your date, don’t automatically think he’s blowing you off. In today’s complicated world, he might be calling work, his sitter, or his ex-wife to see if she can pick up the kids. Chill out, and use the time to call your sponsor for encouragement.

Eight: In the old days, it was common, and common sense, to say that, if you sleep with someone, you are also sleeping with everyone he’s slept with. Nowadays, it’s common sense to remember that, if you sleep with someone who’s in a 12-Step program, you are also sleeping with everyone in his Home Group. Be prepared to be judged by all the members of the orgy.

Nine: If you’ve met the guy online and have never met in person, and if his entire chat so far has been about how amazingly hot you are and how amazingly much he’s into you and how he’s quite certain you’re the guy for him, he will hate you within 20 minutes of your date and you will never hear from him again. If you request an explanation, he will call you a stalker and block you from any social media sites you might share.

Ten: While it’s nice to have a grasp of current events and knowledge of local culture, it’s no longer a first-date pre-requisite. However, if you don’t have an immediate answer for „Do you want to get married?“ and „How many kids would you like to have?“ the date has just ended; don’t even bother to take your coat off.

Eleven: Contrary to popular belief, opinions are not like assholes, because in today’s gay world, assholes are glorious and sexy and displayed prominently in photos sent to you from potential suitors. Opinions on a date are more like your lesbian best friend: We know she’s important to you and we’re glad you have her, but we have no idea why you’d want to introduce us to her on a first meeting and turn the evening into a serious downer.

Twelve: If you do opt to discuss current events, avoid anything so controversial it will destroy potential chemistry, like Crimea, Obama’s job performance, or the relevance of HBO’s „Looking.“

Thirteen: Fashions change, so know the basics: No flip-flops, no shaving, and, even if it is after Memorial Day, absolutely no white underwear.

Fourteen: If you like the guy and want things to go well, put everything out on the table: HIV status, views on monogamy, and, for Florida residents, guns.

Fifteen: It’s a sign of a true gentleman if you walk him to his door and he says it’s too soon for you to come inside. It’s also more than likely a sign that he still lives with his on-again off-again ex.

Sixteen: If, in the heat of the moment, you do find yourself in bed together after the date, remember to keep the foreplay going for at least 30 minutes. This allows ample time for intimate kisses, exploring each other’s body, and for the Cialis to kick in.

Seventeen: Sadly, gay men are self-centered and narcissistic, so instead of talking about your abusive childhood upbringing and triumph over Legionnaires disease, read this piece over and over and out loud until I’m so happy I wet myself. We’re a match!

17 Practical Gay Dating Tips for the New Age

James P., 3 years ago

Dating in the gay world is like buying a car. You can look at all of your options with several different features online. You can then go and try out the model before you commit to it or take it home to show your friends and family. You also have to be careful to not get yourself into a shady situation that could end up with you dying.

Being gay and dating has always been a complicated act. Growing up in the Midwest, there wasn’t exactly a smorgasbord of men. There also wasn’t a big pool of gay men at your school, in your town, or even within a drivable distance. From my experience, being gay meant that you would be quite lonely and relatively inexperienced. This might not be the case anymore or even for everyone but as of five to six years ago, the pickins were slim.

James P., 3 years ago

Gay Dating Etiquette 101

Whether it’s your first date, second date or even your hundredth date, chances you are still feeling a little uncomfortable of how you should act your best behaviors. Dating is already a high voltage pressure situation and stress out the etiquette will make it even worse, but don’t feel so. I have several tips to ease out the stress and impress your date successfully.

Nothing is uglier than talking with a mouthful of partially chewed meat, half beaten vegetables, peas, or smashed potatoes. It’s gross and unsexiest thing to imagine. It’s a real turn OFF. Always finish chewing and swallowing before responding.

You could bring a stem of rose if you are dating girls — but bringing flower to your gay lover? other stuff. A small token of your admiration will be more suitable than flowers. A small box of candy or chocolate but not a sachet of condom or a tiny dildo ( just kidding. You wouldn’t bring that kind of stuff, will you? ) It’s a nice way to start off your date regardless it’s your first date or your hundredth date

You will lose you „cool“ over third or more glasses and ruin your perfect evening. There are too many reasons why you shall not drink on your first date. Choose something lighter, instead of alcohol — a cup of coffee after meal will be fine and most importantly you won’t lost yourself silly.

Whether you pay the tab or go Dutch, make sure you leave a decent tip for your server. 10% – 15% is a normal practice.

None likes to hear your whining about your ex-es. No matter how bad he treated you. Never dig it up. You are here to begin a new life with him, so don’t make him your personal shrink

Oke. You don’t have the chemistry, whether you are planning to ensure a second date or not , always give your date at least one nice sincere compliment during the evening. It’s simply rude not saying so.

You may feel he’s hot and you can’t stand to steal a kiss, but never push the issue. If he’s feel uncomfortable or reluctant, please respect him.

Nothing can be more embarrassing than not having enough money to pay your tab. Always bring some cash as well, in case something goes wrong with your credit cards

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it. Dating is already hard enough without having a date who keeps telling you what is wrong or right all the time.

Nothing ruin the interest faster than your roving eyes or a failure to pay attention when he’s speaking. Give your boy a complete attention he deserves.

Never bring it out. It’s very awkward if someone ask me how much I earn a year on my first date. And what is the point if you are asking how much my car cost? Wanna show off ? You’d better get lost.

Don’t show off and trying to impress your date with fabulous story of how much money you’ve made. Be honest of who you are. If he’s interested in you — your money will be his second thought.

Simply turn off and RUDE. Unless your house is on fire, don’t take a phone call or make a phone call.

The worst way to start your date. Always be there earlier at least half an hour — if you are running behind, give him a call is the act of simple courtesy. Don’t make him wait

If you are dating a date from hell and ending the evening is awkward, don’t make promise to call. Simply wish him a pleasant evening and head home. If he ask you directly, be honest but not rude.

[ Visit and find more tips on gay dating tips. Be single no more

Gay Dating Etiquette 101

Casual Dating 101: How to Avoid Catching Feelings (17 steps)

When you’re in your early 20’s, it is expected that you live wild and free. You’re supposed to take risks, never stay in one spot for too long, and keep everything casual – especially when it comes to your relationships. Gone are the days of settling down, getting married at 22, and having kids years before you hit thirty. As of 2015, the average age for at which American married was around 28 (source). In Japan, they’re even seeing a sharp population decline as 1 in 4 men and 1 in 7 women are still unmarried and childless at age 50 (source). With more young adults focusing on themselves and their careers before even thinking about getting married or having a family, casual dating has become the norm. Why tie yourself down if you could take a job across the country at any moment? Why have a family when you can travel the world and get paid to do so? However, this new casual social norm has indeed taken its toll on the emotional and hopeless romantics of the world. Those of us who wouldn’t mind having a serious partner in our 20’s are usually left confused and often heartbroken during this time of our lives. One one hand, we want to get serious with someone but on the other, why would you want to get serious with someone who clearly isn’t ready for that themselves. Instead of being that pushy girl or clingy guy, us hopeless romantics need to embrace the reality that is casual dating. We need to learn to enjoy all the perks of having a casual lover and embrace the freedom that we are so quick to reject. I, as the resident over-emotional sap here at Justdate, have finally learned to be okay with casual relationships. Shocking, I know. You can find some comfort in reading this list knowing that it comes from someone just as emotional as you, my hopeless romantic reader. And for those of you reading that are looking to do the whole casual-dating-thing right, without hurting those involved, take in all the information you can on how to treat the more delicate casual daters with kid gloves. Believe me, your future hopeless romantic partners will appreciate it in the long run. Here is the hopeless romantic’s comprehensive guide to casual dating

Tips for Gay Teens Who Want a Boyfriend

A lot of gay teens want to be in relationships and it is common for them to ask the question: „How can I get a boyfriend?“

For another teen, the problem has been holding different expectations than the guys he is meeting. 

These are just a few examples of guys looking for boyfriends taken from the many, many teens who have written into the LGBT site about wanting a relationship.

So what can these guys and others who want a boyfriend do about it? As you probably know, there is no „one-size-fits-all“ formula for finding a boyfriend. But there are some tips that can help the relationship-minded teen get his guy.

Stop Missing Dating Opportunities

Learn the honest, non-sleazy way to attract high quality partners.

Just in our first conversation, I could tell that Nick was in a league of his own. Nick is not in this game just to help guys get girls. Instead, he’s

10 Irresistible Dating Profile Examples For Men

Struggling to come up with the perfect profile to attract women? The dating profile examples you’re about to see could be a game changer.

And this article isn’t just about what to say in your dating profile, it’s about how you need to say it.

#5 Guy Spy

We review all popular niche dating sites and best dating sites online. Choose a dating site should be easy. Good luck!

Don’t have any lofty expectations

The biggest thing that gets the serial monogamist into deep, emotional turmoil is high expectations. While we look around at all of our friends who are casual dating, everyone always has that one friend who has had a boyfriend for five years and is engaged. Those are the people who fuel the false hope that all of us harbor for our casual relationships. Because if they’re in a serious relationship, doesn’t that mean my casual lover could be my future husband? No. It doesn’t. I mean, yes, there is a one in a million chance that the guy or girl you occasionally see on the weekends for some casual hangs and condom sex could be the one, but you can’t think like that if you want to survive the casual dating scene. It’s hard out there for the romantics, but that false hope that we cling to is what gets us eaten alive. Remind yourself that nothing you’re doing is serious. If you start to feel the feels, back off, tell yourself that this is casual, and envision yourself with other people. You’re single. Make sure you act and think that way.

Keep your options open

The best part about casual dating is that you are allowed to be causal with multiple people. You’re not in a monogamous relationship, so don’t limit yourself like an old married person. Keep a few people on rotation. Have your casual partners who you go on very casual dates – that are so casual that they could hardly be called dates – and have wild, no-strings-attached sex with. But make sure you do have the occasional booty call. Have a few people on your phone to call if you’re drunk, bored, and in need of some person-on-person friction. Don’t be afraid to go home with some hottie you meet at the bar. This is casual remember. Be casual with your body as well as your dating life.

Remember that casual dating is not the same as having a booty call

While you should have a few booty calls on your phone at all times, you need to remember that the people that you’re casually dating aren’t the kind of individuals you strictly have casual sex with. Casual dating is a nice in-between space between one-night-stands and significant other. You rely on one another emotionally, albeit very minimally, and have regular, protected, sex with. No commitment there other than the fact that you might have a date with them in the next week, but who knows, it’s all casual. Booty calls are people you would much rather have sex with than talk to. You don’t have to connect on any other level aside from a sexual one with booty calls. They’re not the kind of people who you have breakfast with in the morning or get a beer with. They’re strictly meant for in-between-the-sheets action. They’re not even adult sleepover material. They’re the kind of person you bang and call an Uber as soon as you make yourself decent. The people you’re casually dating are more relationship-y than a booty call while not being a serious relationship at all… Complicated… I know. But once you put someone in the casual-relationship-box or the booty-call-box, everything becomes a little more easy to understand. Don’t be afraid to stamp very clear mental – or even public – labels on these different kinds of people.

You are your first priority

I like to define serious relationships as the kind where you are willing to give 60% to an expected 40% of effort to your partner. Great serious relationships are the kind where both people have this mentality, of course. However, with casual relationships, I would think that it could be defined as giving 30-40% while you expect the other person to give about the same or less. The reason for the rise in casual dating is because more people are putting themselves and their careers first, so you should be doing the same. If you give less effort, you won’t expect them to give more, and thus you will not be disappointed when the casual fling inevitably fizzles out in favor for another partner or because of mutual busyness. Make sure you’re spending more time with yourself and with your career or hobbies than you are spending with any casual partner, and you should be golden.

Enforce a no gifts policy

Honestly, the only gift you should be giving one another is your company (and sexual favors of course). Gifts are definitely crossing into significant other territory. You shouldn’t be there’s something about physical items and monetary sacrifices that trigger an emotional response. The exchanging of gifts should definitely be kept to your family, close friends, and those who are seriously dating.

Refrain from PDA

Again, when you’re in a casual relationship, you’re going to want to limit the coupley behavior. Public displays of affection definitely fall within the category of coupley behavior. It’s one thing to engage in a little light hand holding as a preface to getting it on once you’re behind closed doors but try not too affectionate in public. PDA will give off the wrong impression to those around you – especially your friends. When people come up and ask if the two of you are dating – because people will especially if you’re hanging all over one another in public – you’re going to have to come up with something to say and then you’re going to think about that whole interaction for the rest of the day. The first step to catching feelings is dwelling on the „what if’s.“ Keep your relationships casual by keeping the displays of affection, strictly behind closed doors.

Don’t introduce them to all your friends

As far as serious relationships go there are milestones. The first time you have sex, the first time you fart in front of one another, and the first time you spend the night without having sex are a few that come to mind. With casual relationships, there are much fewer, and they don’t carry nearly as much weight. Introducing your lover to your friends is much more of a serious milestone. You shouldn’t introduce your significant other to your friends for two reasons: 1) you don’t want to hit a serious relationship milestone with someone you’re casual relationship with and 2) you don’t want your friends bonding with this person. In a serious relationship, you should want to have your serious boyfriend or girlfriend bond with your friends. However, you shouldn’t want this for a casual relationship as they’re your friends. You don’t want them becoming friends with your friends. That would be the worst case scenario.

Go for a Guy Who Might Like You Back

Sometimes teens have huge crushes on people who are just never going to be a real possibility. Your homophobic classmate, straight crush, the guy with a serious boyfriend, or your gym teacher are not really who you should be setting your sights on if what you truly want is a boyfriend.

Understand the Difficulties of Online Dating

A lot of guys find their boyfriends online, and the Internet is a great tool for gay teens. But meeting someone over the Internet will be a little different than meeting someone in person. For example, a lot of people cast a wide net when trying to meet someone online and it is possible that the guy who seems so interested in getting to know you is also sending those messages to a bunch of other people. Plus, while people don’t always represent themselves honestly in real life, it is in some ways easier to claim to be someone you aren’t when you don’t meet in person.

Don’t Rush It

Most people spend some time dating and getting to know a potential partner before they decide to move into boyfriend mode.

Now you might do all of this and still not have a boyfriend right away. Please don’t beat yourself or get too gloomy if that happens. A lot of teens of all sexual orientations want relationships and for some kids, it just happens sooner than it does for others.

Dating 101

Want to improve your dating skills and develop genuine confidence? Here’s a list of my most useful posts organized to make things easy and helpful for you.

Everything below is free but if you need personalized advice, I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this alone. If you’d like a tailored plan to magnetically attract women and build more meaningful relationships, let’s have a free, 100% confidential consultation call to discuss how we can work together. Schedule your free strategy session here.

Zombie-Sex Misconception #8: Zombies can’t find the clitoris

To be fair, this one actually is true: Zombies can’t find the clitoris—at least, not on their own. Like the majority of human males throughout history, zombies are oblivious to the charms of this sensitive little nub. But once you make it known to them, they’re able to apply themselves accordingly for as long as you require.

The best part? There’s none of the embarrassment reportedly attached to showing an unzombified human male where it is. According to women’s magazines from the latter half of the twentieth century, few things were more awkward than telling a partner where the clitoris is. A commonly suggested technique advised silently moving your partner’s finger to the prescribed place. This method allowed you to avoid a potentially humiliating conversation.

This sort of discretion is unnecessary with a zombie. You can move him into any position you’d like without mortification. Your zombie boyfriend won’t mind because he doesn’t have one.

And while you’re savoring the results of a successful hunting expedition, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

Tags: boyzombclitoriscommunicationconventional wisdomdate nightdatingembarrassmentewwwhappy surprisesmisconceptionsrelationshipszombie datingzombie lifestylezombies

Zombie boyfriend theft—it does happen

Zombies! They’re abundant and available and yet you can’t help but feel all the good ones are taken. It might be the truth, it might be a case of grass-is-always-green-itis, but for some women the only boyzomb that will do is the one on another woman’s arm. Poaching is a reprehensible betrayal of sisterhood and the fourth way in our series on how to meet a zombie.

What it entails: Meeting a fully domesticated zombie who is already in a relationship, luring him with tempting brain treats when no one is looking and taking him home

The advantages: All of the benefits of a fully domesticated zombie with none of the effort or expense

The disadvantages: Having to live with your immoral, unethical self

Conclusion: Women who steal other women’s boyzombs are unscrupulous creatures who don’t deserve to live in a principled and civilized society. All BZ poachers should be exiled to the wilds of suburbia and made to exist on vending machine Spam and cream soda.

And while you’re feeling morally superior to bzomb stealers, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

Tags: bad formbetrayalboyzombcream sodadatingetiquettefully domesticated zombiesget your own boyzombgrass-is-greener-itisirresponsible behaviorpoachingrelationshipsresponsible behaviorstealingzombies

Zombie-sex misconception #7: Zombies don’t care about your satisfaction

Listen up, Girl Guides, because this one is especially false: Zombies care about your satisfaction. As dead creatures with reanimated life, they have no pleasure centers in the prefrontal cortex (or any cortex). They don’t eat brains because they enjoy the taste; they eat brains because they’re compelled to. It’s a thoughtless compulsion. The same with sex. Zombies aren’t in it for the orgasm. They don’t know what an A, B or C is, let alone the Big O. For them, sex is simply another drive. They do it because nature compels them to. At no point will a zombie roll off you and say, “Thanks, honey, I’m good.” You’re the one who’s going to have to do the rolling off (and much of the rocking!). Trust me, that makes all the difference.

And while you’re cuddling with your sweetie in languid postcoital repose, don’t forget to ménage-à-trois with Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter, pre-zombie-sex days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

Tags: boyzombbrainsdatinghappy surprisesmisconceptionsmisinformationnatural compulsionsorgasmsprefrontal cortextrelationshipssatisfactionsexthe Big Ozombie lifestylezombies

Winterize your zombie

As snow continues to blanket the Northeast on a seemingly daily basis, I thought it was time to remind my fellow Girl Guides of a few seasonal rules. Most people think that zombies are inured to the cold because they are non-blooded creatures. The sad truth is, the lack of a heartbeat is often accompanied by a lack of sense! When was the last time your boyzomb realized his hand had frozen off? Exactly.

Follow these simple rules for a happy, safe and fun winter. 

Shed the sled. Few things compare with the exhilarating feeling of flying down a hill with the wind in your hair and your honey’s arms around your waist. But think twice before indulging in this cold-air thrill. A zombie’s permanent state of decay means a seemingly harmless tumble on a Flexible Flyer can result in an inconvenient amputation or disfiguring scar (aw, but you’ll love him anyway!). Even light boogie boards pose a risk: The rope used to pull it up the hill has been known to cause unexpected decapitations when not handled proper (i.e., by you).

Flee the skies. To be fair, skies are a lot less harmful to your rottie hottie than a sled. ZombSports’ new hip boots made of space-age polymers provide the extra support your zombie needs to balance on two skies. But space-age polymers can’t get you to the top of the mountain, and neither can your zombie. Remember your first time getting on the chairlift or—gasp of humiliation!—the T-bar? Remember that flop of shame? That’s your zombie every single time. Instead, cozy up in the lodge for hot chocolate and some quality canoodling.

Pummel the shovel. Just how much shoveling fun your boyzomb has depends on your goal. If you want your sidewalk to be cleared of snow and safe for people to pass, then you might want to expend a little elbow grease yourself. However, if your goal is to spread as much snow as possible on your neighbor’s walk and passing pedestrians, then your zombie boyfriend is ready, willing and able (yes, able!) to serve. There are few things zombies love more than moving snow around with a shovel and they can do it with surprising dexterity. Just don’t expect precision. A zombie doesn’t so much clear the sidewalk as make an absolute mess of it. Still, fun is fun, even if it isn’t clean!

And while you’re keeping warm this winter, don’t forget to snuggle up with Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love!

Tags: funrelationshipsskiingsleddingsnowwinterzombie datingzombies

Hattie Cross tells all

Sure, you’re deep in the love bubble with your rottie hottie now, but it hasn’t always been this way. Once upon a time—maybe at the very beginning of the plague, maybe a dozen years in—you swore you’d never, ever date a zombie. You’d have to be dead five days yourself before you’d even consider going to the movies with a decomposing corpse.

You don’t have to tell me. When I started my journalism career as a cub reporter (er, intern) for the Xombie Review, the last thing I expected was to one day write the definitive how-to for meeting and dating zombies. I was just was as boy crazy as the rest of womankind—that is, crazy enough to think I’d actually meet a boy. Roughly 300,000 unzombified human males left on the planet and I’d somehow bump into one in line at the supermarket.

That’s right, girl guides, even I succumbed to the magical thinking that affected so many of our mothers, who believed the H1Z1 virus would naturally run its course and turn our fathers back into the nurturing human beings they’d mostly been.

Well, now you can: LOVE IN THE TIME OF ZOMBIES, my new tell-all soon to be released from Shebooks, gives all the gritty details of my transformation from zombie hater to zombie lover. Cringe at my first zombie date! Wince as I try to break into a secret government facility! Cheer as I grow as a person!

Heart, wit, suspense—this story has it all. And check out the cover. See that cool upside-down heart blood drop? That represents the topsy-turvy world we live in. Clever, right?! Look for LOVE IN THE TIME OF ZOMBIES later this month.

Tags: communicationconventional wisdomcoupledomexciting storygrowth momentshappy couplesLove in the Time of ZombiesNetflixnew informationplagueprequelresponsible behaviorrottie hottiesurprisestell-allthe truthzombie datingzombie-dating secretszombies

The golden rule: Girls before ghouls

You don’t have to tell me about the giddy exuberance of a new romance. I know far too well how easy it is to get caught up in the minutia of a new partner: the adorable hesitance with which he nibbles the edge of a cow brain before digging in, the sweet-acrid singe of his skin as he smells a burning candle, the slightly shameful tilt of his head when you catch him trying to eat your cat. The pleasures of a new relationship are many, even with a zombie boyfriend, and it’s easy to close yourself off in your own little love bubble.

Although the love bubble feels like a reassuringly warm and lovely cocoon, it’s in fact a treacherous place to be. Relationships with zombies, even the best of them, are temporary. One day, your boyzomb will disappear. Maybe he’ll follow some other woman home. Maybe he’ll get lost in a crowd. Maybe he’ll simply decay into a mound of slushy gray mushiness. At that moment, you’ll look around for your friends and they won’t be there. You won’t even be able to remember when or how you lost them. Because that’s what the love bubble does—makes you oblivious to everything but your love.

But that doesn’t have to be you, weeping alone in a dark corner, uncomforted by the warm hug of caring friends. You can overcome the lure of the love bubble by following one simple rule: girls before ghouls.

Here’s how it works: You want to take your boyzomb to the slaughterhouse for a very special, 17-day anniversary dinner but it’s also your bestie Tabitha’s birthday. You’d rather watch that adorable cow-brain nibble of your new crush, but rather than succumb, reschedule for the next night and take your BFF for dinner instead. Your pal will give you best-buddy points for pushing back such an important event, your zombie boyfriend won’t know the difference (17 days, 18 days, 1,265 days—it’s all the same to him) and you’ll get the lovely satisfaction of doing the right thing. It’s win-win-win.

Tags: boyzombbrainscommunicationconventional wisdomdate nightdatingdiningetiquettefriendsghoulsgiddy exuberancegirlfriendsgolden rulehappinesslove bubblerelationshipsresponsible behaviorsmart choiceszombie lifestyle

Who gets the door?: Zombie-neutral etiquette for the 21st century

Long before the H1Z1 virus turned 99.9999 percent of all men into zombies, the issue of who should open the door for whom was a hot-button topic. Opinions varied widely on the necessity and utility of chivalry in the modern world, and there were as many definitions of what it meant to be a gentleman as there were gentlemen.

Now, of course, the debate is over. Who gets the door? You.

The obvious explanation for this imbalance is anatomical: If your zombie boyfriend were to give you a hand with the door, he might actually give you a hand.

But the risk of limb detachment isn’t the number one reason the zombie love of your life won’t offer to hold the door for you. The sad truth is, he simply hasn’t thought of it. This might sound discouraging but take heart: Your boyzomb hasn’t thought of anything in years. His mind is a gloppy stew of decayed dendrites, atrophied axons and neutered neurons.

There is much to miss with the zombification of the male population—sparking wit, spirited conversation, even the well-thought-out zinger in the middle of a heated argument—but the loss of old-fashioned courtesy is not one of them. Don’t think of it as the end of chivalry. Think of it as the end of awkward pauses at the door. Think of it as the end of unintended offense when you competently open the door for yourself. Think of it as the end of scurrying over the threshold under the arm of a man who won’t let you open the door for him. Think of it as the end of gender inequality as we know it.

Still not convinced? That’s all right. The zombpocalypse has been hard on all of us, and we each adapt to this brave new world at our own pace. So if you don’t want to open the door for yourself, don’t. One of your fellow female human beings will be along in a moment or two and I’m sure she’d be happy to do it for you. Because it’s not the door itself that matters; it’s the portal of possibilities it represents.

Tags: boyzombbrainschivalrycommunicationconventional wisdomdatingembarrassmentequalityetiquettegender equalityhuman malesmannersmisconceptionsmodern courtesymodern mannerssilver liningzombiezombie datingzombie etiquettezombie lifestylezombies

Free Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies condoms!

We know. We know. The last thing a Girl Guide like you needs in her zombie-dating surival kit is a condom. Needle and thread for unexpected limb loss? Oh, yeah. Freeze-dried cat brains to ward off attacks on your neighbor’s dog? A must. But condoms? Sex with a zombie is 100 percent risk-free—no muss, no fuss and, if you’re having a particularly good day, no detatched digits. (And if you aren’t, you have your handy sewing kit at the ready!)

We’re totally on your page, so we know you’ll get a kick out of these post-human-male-intercourse-era condoms. Use them as coasters, Christmas Tree decorations or bookmarks. Unwrap a few, blow them up amd play zombie-condom-balloon dodge ball. The possibilities are endless.

But don’t let the irony fool you. These condoms are FDA-approved and entirely functional. Plus, they’re good until June 2016—which gives you plenty of time to invent a cure for zombism, administer it and wait for the zombie of your dreams to turn back into a human male.

Intrigued? Hooked? Unable to take another breath without sporting a zombie-condom pin on your lapel right this very minute? No worries. This hot new fashion accessory and relic of a bygone age can be yours with the purchase of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies. Buy a copy anytime from February 13 to February 20 and send the receipt to  and we’ll drop a condom in the mail to you. It’s that easy. Want a matching pair of condoms to wear as earrings? Buy two books. Want to make a belt? Buy two dozen. Whatever works for you.

So go buy a book now and send us the receipt. Condom-distribution experts are standing by!

Tags: bookmarksbrainscat brainschristmas tree decorationscoasterscondom distributioncondomsconventional wisdomdatingdecorating advicedetached digitsdiningdodge ballFDA approvedfreebiesgirls guidehappinesshappy surpriseshuman malesironylimb losspost-human malerelationshipsresponsible behaviorsafe sexsewing kitshoppingsurvival kitunexpected limb losszombie lifestylezombies

Zombies make whoopie

Tags: booksBrooklynChristmas treesCobble Hilldatingdigital receiptsDumbofoodholiday seasonOne Girl Cookiesrestaurantssaleshoppingspecialsweet treatssweetheartsvalid receiptwhoopee piewhoopie piewhoopie pieszombies

Summer loving with the living dead

Summer doesn’t have to be a bummer just because your main squeeze gets extra squishy in the heat. We’ve got your fun-in-the-sun survival tips right here.

1. Lay it on thick. Increased temperatures mean increased decay, so be sure to apply two or three extra doses of skin-firming cream to your boyzomb each day. The patented hydrolipids will keep what remains of his skin supple, not slippery.

2. Keep the home fires burning. Summertime means hamburgers and hot dogs cooked on the grill, but nothing draws a zombie to his doom faster than the hypnotizing flicker of an open flame. So play it safe and bring your barbecue indoors. Prepare hot dogs in the microwave and hamburgers on the stove top. As soon as everything is cooked, bring it outside and have a romantic picnic by flashlight. Worried about mosquitoes and other nippy pests? Don’t be. The oil in your boyzomb’s decaying skin is the best bug repellent ever invented.

3. Give the beach a wide berth. If you thought getting sand out of your bathing suit was difficult, just wait until you try to get it out of the folds of your zombie boyfriend’s skin. The phrase stuck on you will take on a whole new meaning. If you’re craving the wet, check out the pool at your local country club. You’ll avoid the sand trap, and the chlorine in the water will give your zombie a healthy green glow. Plus, you can get french fries delivered poolside. Nothing says postapocalyptic bliss like eating greasy fries while your zombie boyfriend does cannonballs. Heaven!

Tags: barbecuebeachboyzombbright sidebug repellentcountry clubdatingfoodhappinessmosquitoesnatureoutdoorspoolpostapocalyptic blissrelationshipssummerzombie lifestylezombies

Grindr, Scruff and Other App Hook Ups

In recent weeks and months, it seems like we have been hearing more and more incidents where something bad has happened to gay men as a result of hooking up online.

Not too long ago, I saw a a news item about a Philadelphia tourist who was physically and sexually assaulted at gunpoint and robbed. An elderly Michigan man was murdered by a trio of thugs as a result of a Grindr hookup gone terribly wrong.

I am personally aware of two cases where people have been the victims of violent crime (and in one case, extortion) as a result of trying to hook up.

Looking around the Internet, there seems to be very little information “out there” that offers guidance to gay men on basic, essential safety precautions for making a sexual connection. And so what follows is a list of 10 tips that I hope you will find useful in keeping you safe.

Before continuing, I know there will be some who will suggest that the best way to prevent a bad hook-up is to avoid hooking up at all.

My response to this is simple – people are still going to hook up! Better to offer some practical, realistic suggestions as opposed to the Nancy Reagan approach (just say no) advice.

At its core, we are talking about risk reduction here. And the tips being offered in what follows could very well apply to straight individuals. Crime is an equal opportunity destroyer folks.

Let’s move on to the 10 online hookup safety tips. Please keep in mind this list is by no means exhaustive. Also, remember these tips are not foolproof. Again, we are talking harm reduction here.

Tinder Profile Examples

You can get away with more exaggerated humor and funny/cocky attitude on Tinder than you can on other apps and dating sites.

So this is your chance to get creative, show some personality and have a little fun.

Here is a funny online dating profile example for men that really works:

The League Profile Example

Profile real estate is at an even bigger premium on The League. You’ve only got space for 140 characters to convince her you’re message (and date) worthy.

Approach your League bio the same way you would a Bumble or Tinder profile, but be even more selective with what you choose to include.

When you’re only reading a handful of words, dating profile clichés like “I love to travel” and “I stay active” do nothing to distinguish you from the countless other profiles she’s skimmed that day.

Details, on the other hand, make your profile “pop” – and make you more memorable.

1. Grindr

Grindr is sort of the holy grail of gay dating. It’s mostly used as a hookup app and is, at times, truly as disgusting as you might have heard. You create your profile with a single photo, name, sexual position, HIV status, and body statistics. Other men in your area can message you with pictures, videos, and, most recently added, audio. Grindr is really popular at things like Pride and on college campuses where the app facilitates meet-ups. Best of all, you don’t even have to make the first step in person. The app gives you time to formulate your first responses and portray yourself in a way that you can’t necessarily do in person, especially if you’re a shy person like I am. This is also a detriment to social skills as you can pretend and catfish without any consequences.

You can see available men in the area for just about every purpose under the sun. A lot of men are out there just looking for dates and friends while others are out there to simply have some fun without any strings attached. The stereotypical hookup of meeting minutes before meaningless sex is a Grindr classic. On the other hand, people have met long term partners or even their future husbands on Grindr. It’s honestly a crazy world that puts a lot of the good and the bad of the gay dating scene at your fingertips.

2. Tinder

I’m talking about dating apps right now because they’ve become vital to how gay men date and hookup in 2018. From what I’ve learned from straight friends, Tinder for them and Tinder for gay people are two completely different worlds. I have always thought that you go on Tinder to find something a little more meaningful whether it be a long term relationship or even just friends with benefits; something more than meaningless sex. It’s been rare that you would turn to Tinder to find a hookup for that night. For straight people however, Tinder acts as the primary app to hookup with people. You don’t necessarily open Tinder to find your soul mate; mainly hookups or friends with benefits.

Gay men usually take more time on their profiles. I’ve noticed extensive thought being put into their bios and their picture selection. People try and go beyond their physical attributes, which is a flaw to Grindr, in order to find something meaningful in this sex-crazed world.

3. Your friend’s gay friend

This is another cornerstone to the gay dating dilemma, only meeting other gays through friends, never just out in the wild. As I’ve gotten older and started to date more, the visibility of openly gay men has become more apparent due to the fact that I’ve been putting myself into gayer and gayer spaces. However, it’s often joked that just become one person is gay they will be sexually interested in the other gay person that a friend knows. It is true however that this is a common occurrence in middle and high school, especially in the Midwest where there are not large concentrations of gay men everywhere. It’s almost like knowing two black people and assuming that they will like each other simply because they’re both black.

4. Meeting a local gay

As you get older and are more apt to find yourself in gayer spaces, it becomes easier to date. A lot of gay dating happens through a facilitator of some sort, whether it be an app or a friend, face to face meetings occur more frequently when you are able to put yourself into these more diverse spaces. It becomes possible to meet A local gay rather than THE local gay, implying there to not be many options. For me, it’s become slightly strange to not have to solely relay on the will of others or an app to meet men. It’s possible to meet a guy at a café or at an art museum, to name just a few of the most basic love scenarios. The possibilities are endless in a world with gay meetings happening in normal spaces and I believe that in the next ten years we’ll be hearing more stories of how someone met their partner at the coffee shop down the street rather than on Grindr. Well, one can hope at least!

About VIDA Select

VIDA Select takes all the frustration, hard work and hassle out of modern dating! From a dedicated personal matchmaker to a crew of professional writers, everything will be handled for you. Wouldn’t it be nice to finally stop swiping and start dating higher quality matches so you can meet someone special? Thousands of singles have trusted VIDA Select with this incredibly important mission, and we’re ready to make you our next success story. To see if you qualify, answer a few quick questions now.

About VIDA

VIDA Select takes all the frustration, hard work and hassle out of modern dating! From a dedicated personal matchmaker to a crew of professional writers, everything will be handled for you. Wouldn’t it be nice to finally stop swiping and start dating higher quality matches so you can meet someone special? Thousands of singles have trusted VIDA Select with this incredibly important mission, and we’re ready to make you our next success story. To see if you qualify, answer a few quick questions now.

You’ll notice a lot of specific details packed into all these profiles.

That’s part of what makes them such good online dating profile examples for men. Details make for built-in conversation starters!

#2: Wasting valuable profile real estate with negativity.

When a dating profile is super short, each word has a heightened impact.

Positive words, ideas and statements are generally much more attractive than describing what you don’t like or traits in a potential partner that turn you off.

Also steer clear of sharing anything that hints at past relationship drama, as she’ll likely interpret that as a sign you’re still packing around some heavy baggage.

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