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Here’s What Never To Say When Dating a Gay Black Man

What kind of lines do gay men of color really hear when they’re out at a bar?

Filmmaker Cameron Johnson set out to discover just that with his new short documentary, You’re Cute for a Black Guy. Johnson asked a group of black gay men to sit down and reveal what really happens when they start dating interracially. Their stories reveal the difficulties and frustrations of dating in an environment that often tokenizes and ignores them. 

And oftentimes, it’s the seemingly innocuous pickup lines that do the most damage.

One man in the video recounted the night he was approached and told, „Oh my gosh, I’ve totally never dated a black person before, but if I did, I’d totally get with you.“ 

Johnson remembered the time a man put his hand on his shoulder outside a club and said, „You know, Cameron, I’m really into mulatto guys.“ 

„You know what, I’m not really into ethnic guys,“ another participant once heard.

It’s this kind of exoticizing and tokenization that inspired Johnson to make the documentary. „The idea came to me on a whim. I’ve dated men of all colors, shapes and sizes, but it seemed that white men habitually said reckless, racist things to me as part of their approach,“ Johnson told Mic. When Johnson heard he wasn’t alone in this struggle, he decided to make a film expanding the conversation on racism in the gay community.

 One reason such pickup lines are so insidious is because they play on long-established stereotypes of the black gay community. „I guess the biggest stereotype is that black men are just penises with Timberlands attached, and that whatever we have to offer sexually is our only value,“ Johnson told Mic.

„For the black gay community, the self-imposed stereotype is that there’s only one way to be a gay black man. Online, I see so many demanding that their partners not have any trace of femininity … There’s so much more to being a man than fitting a narrowly enforced view of masculinity,“ Johnson explained. 

These stereotypes are reinforced by a society that’s increasingly embracing white gay men in pop culture, but still lacks representation of gay men of color, both in mainstream and erotic media. The experiences of the men in the video underscore how badly these representations are needed in the „real world.“

 Some of these stereotypes play out most obviously on online dating sites, where we often judge one another in nanoseconds based on a single photo. „I have never been one who has had a lot of luck with online dating apps. There seems to be a desire for that which isn’t me. So on the app, that looks like a lot of empty inboxes,“ one man in the documentary said.

Data from OkCupid in 2009 showed that gay black men received 20% fewer responses to messages than non-blacks. For white gay men on the site, 43% said they would strongly prefer to date someone of the same racial background as them. For black gay men, just 6% expressed such a preference. 

The statistics reveal that, despite a growing acceptance of interracial relationships, gay black men still face disadvantages. „On an individual level, a person can’t really control who turns them on — and almost everyone has a ‚type,‘ one way or another,“ Christian Rudder, an OkCupid founder behind 2009’s analysis, wrote. — that fact that race is a sexual factor for so many individuals, and in such a consistent way — says something about race’s role in our society.“

Indeed, what we call „types,“ ostensibly based on attraction alone, are often formed by stereotypes. As the Guardian pointed out in a video, „The data shows that people are systematically expressing preferences that echo the negative racial stereotypes that exist in society. So isn’t it worth at least asking how society might be shaping our individual preferences?“ 

Johnson hopes his work will raise awareness for anyone dealing with the pitfalls of interracial dating. Part of that, he said, will begin with his own self-acceptance to undo the damage years of dating stereotypes have brought on him.

„I want people to take away from this work that this is real, that it doesn’t ‚happen to everyone,'“ Johnson explained to Mic. 

„It’s probably happened to your black gay friend, the black girl at your office, your Latina friend, or the Asian girl you messaged on OkCupid. This is real. And it’s happening. And it sucks.“

Here's What Never To Say When Dating a Gay Black Man

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How South Africa is learning to live with mixed-race couples

When I started dating the woman I was to marry many of my friends and some of her family – black and white – were united in opposition.

Some members of Daniela’s family were not at all keen. One even refused to let me into their home.

They told her that I was „not good enough for her“.

One of my childhood friends, Muzi, repeatedly told me he would never date someone who was not Zulu, let alone a person who was not black.

So when he first saw my white girlfriend, the reality of living in a non-racial country finally hit him.

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Changing attitudes

In 2007 I met Daniela Casetti-Bowen, who had come from Chile to study tourism in South Africa. We became friends and later started dating. Two years later, against her family’s will, we moved in together.

Daniela’s uncle, who arrived in South Africa in the early 1980s, was extremely sceptical about our relationship. He refused to let me inside their house. Daniela’s white South African friends also warned her about dating a black boy from Soweto.

Daniela and I had to take a conscious decision to disregard those opposed to our relationship.

Most of my relatives told me it did not matter to them whether my partner was black or white, South African or not.

While I was a bit shocked by their open-mindedness, I also saw their actions as a demonstration of their authentic commitment to Mr Mandela’s dream of a Rainbow Nation.

But post-honeymoon, reality hit and we started experiencing challenges that come with inter-racial relationships. Some of Daniela’s relatives discouraged us from starting a family.

They said mixed-race children always had a tough upbringing because they do not have an identity.

Again, we ignored this advice and went on to have a baby, Mpho Jr.

Interestingly, relations between myself and Daniela’s family have improved tremendously in recent years.

However, problems started to arise from my side of the family. Questions were being raised about Daniela’s „lack of commitment“ to our traditions.

Daniela and I both agreed that culture evolves and therefore we would only follow what is practical.

But some members of my family remain totally opposed to our views. They feel that Daniela needs to follow or perform most of our traditions.

For example, shortly after our son was born, Daniela was supposed to spend 10 days at my mother’s house with the baby. But for us, this was not practical.

However, there are many things that Daniela has agreed to do. For example, my family insisted on shaving our son’s head at three months as opposed to my wife’s belief that this should be done immediately after birth.

But my feeling is that Daniela and I have it easy compared to some of our friends in mixed-race relationships.

Bevin van Rooyen is a coloured (mixed-race) man who was born in Johannesburg. He met his girlfriend Jacqueline Louw, a white South African, while studying at an arts college in Johannesburg.

Born in 1984, Bevin, like me, did not experience much racism while growing up because South Africa was beginning to change.

„I only started experiencing racism when I met Jacqueline’s family,“ Bevin tells me. „I was completely shocked. I did not know what was happening.“

While Bevin’s parents welcomed his partner into their family, Jacqueline’s did not.

„From the beginning, it was a problem with me not being white. I was not welcome in the house. Her dad had issues,“ Bevin tells me.

When they started dating, the pair kept their relationship a secret from her family.

„When they found out, they kicked her out of the house and she had to move in with me and my folks,“ Bevin remembers.

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