How to Get a Gay Male Friend (for Girls)

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Popular TV shows and films have portrayed gay men as fabulous, supportive, and amusing confidants for straight women. However, this portrayal of gay men isn’t realistic, and it’s not really a good idea to seek out friends based on superficial details like their sexual orientation. Your best bet for a close, lasting friendship is to find people who you enjoy spending time around and build a connection with them over time. If you happen to connect with a man who is gay and form a friendship, there’s nothing wrong with that, but make sure that you treat them as you would anyone else and be careful not to make assumptions about them.

How to Tell a Friend You’re Gay and You Love Them

This article was co-authored by Lauren Urban, LCSW. Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use. There are 17 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, 93% of readers who voted found the article helpful, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 145,508 times.

Perhaps you have realized you are gay and that you have fallen in love with your friend. You have also probably realized that this is a lot to deal with! You may want to be honest with your friend about your sexuality as well as your romantic feelings. Keep in mind that this is probably not something you want to do all at once. First, you will want to come out to your friend. Second, determine if you want to tell your friend how you feel. And finally, if you choose, share your feelings with your friend. This is a process that may take a few weeks or months. [1] X Research source

How to Tell a Friend You're Gay and You Love Them

How to Tell if Your Guy Friend Is Gay

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There are lots of reasons why you might want to know if your friend is gay. There are some important things that you have to understand about this situation before going forward, however. Someone’s sexuality is highly complex and highly private, and you may be starting more problems than you solve by trying to find out.

How to Tell if Your Guy Friend Is Gay

Can lesbians really be a straight girl’s best friend?

This attitude is a far cry from the days when I would dread telling women I’d just met that I shop around the corner, in case they edged away in fear of me making a pass. Now it would seem we lesbians are in line to become straight women’s new accessories.

But can lesbians really be a straight girl’s best friend? We all know about the (often patronising) claim that gay men make great friends for straight women because they love shopping, choosing curtains, can advise on clothes and makeup, and like nothing better than to sit around watching Rupert Everett films while sobbing into a cushion, surrounded by chocolates and bottles of pink fizz.

Can this type of mutually beneficial friendship work between gay and straight women? The heterosexual girls, who usually hate men far more than we do, love lesbians when they are going through a crappy time with a male partner. They know they can talk about what absolute bastards men can be and find a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. If they stay over on the sofa after their drunken revelations all the better – they can return to the man the next day in the hope that he will have been tearing his hair out at the thought he might be dumped for another woman.

Lesbians are certainly getting mainstream attention. In 2012 Tatler magazine threw a party to celebrate and “normalise” high-society lesbians. Paparazzi pics showed glam lezzer after glam lezzer, resplendent in gorgeous frocks, skilfully applied makeup and sparkling jewellery, hair lush and flowing, walking up the red carpet into the ballroom.

But the lezzers at Tatler’s party are not all quite like that when the sun comes up, and those who stay true to celesbian style are not really representative of us as a species. A regular day out shopping for your typical lesbian would be a trip to the local animal shelter to adopt a couple of cats, then straight on to the buy some vegan sandals to take with us on a kayaking and mountaineering holiday. After a quick look around the hardware store for some WD40, we might take a spin around Millets for a fleece jacket and a “parka in a pack”.

An evening’s entertainment for us lezzers may include going online to look for a date on Pink Sofa while browsing through a sperm-donor catalogue, which has limited appeal for the straight girl. Or does it? Perhaps I am being overly cynical here. I have some fabulous heterosexual female friends, and find them as interested in lesbian gossip as I am in their tales of surviving life – sometimes even thriving – with those alien creatures known as straight men.

Perhaps we should further develop our liaisons with our straight sisters. Believing, as I do, that every woman can be a lesbian, it could well be we have more in common than we think.

Can lesbians really be a straight girl’s best friend?

About This Article

Telling a friend that you’re gay and you love them is something that you’ll want to do in stages so you don’t overwhelm your friend. First, come out to your friend. While there’s no perfect way to come out, make sure to tell them when there’s enough time for them to react or ask questions. If your friend has a negative reaction to your news, tell them “I’m sorry this upset you. This is who I am.” Then, give your friend some space. On the other hand, if your friend is happy for you, think about if and when you want to tell them you are in love with them. For example, if you know that your friend is straight, ask yourself if it’s worth risking your friendship by telling them. Otherwise, you can tell your friend by saying something like “I am in love with you. I know you might think this is weird, but I want to be honest about my feelings.” To learn how to come out to others in your friend group, keep reading!Did this summary help you?YesNo

About This Article

About This Article

To tell if your guy friend is gay, notice whether he refers to other guys as attractive, which could be a sign that he’s gay. Pay attention to how much he talks about women in a romantic or sexual way, since a lack of interest in women could suggest he’s gay. If you’re still unsure, try talking to him about gay men to see how he responds. For example, say something like, “I really admire people like Neil Patrick Harris. He does a great job of owning his sexuality.” If he seems enthusiastic about your point, he could be gay. However, keep in mind that he could also be bisexual, asexual instead. The only way to know for sure is to just ask him outright. For instance, say something like, “Not that I mind either way, but I was just wondering whether you’re gay?” For more tips, including how to show your friend that you’re okay with gay people, read on!Did this summary help you?YesNo

Give curious straight guys some love. Here are 17 signs your straight friend is gay-curious.

A quick search for gay porn will reveal our bizarre obsession with straight men — “straight dude fucks his teammate,” “straight bro first time anal,” and so on. Where does this come from? Internalized homophobia, perceptions of masculinity, or our childhood fantasies of fucking the quarterback? Probably some compendium of all three. 

Hetero-worship is real and makes gay men appear at times predatory and self-flagellating, but sometimes we’re on to something. Sometimes your “straight bro first time anal” dream meets reality when your straight friend is gay-curious. Gay and bi men are sensitive to our brothers in the closet because most of us were there at one point. We remember the fear of getting caught, the curiosity and confusion, the threat of exposure, the furtive glances. 

Give curious straight guys some love. Here are 17 signs your straight friend is gay-curious. 

1. He’s asking gay sex questions.

I’ve answered many technical questions about gay sex for many straight men (“Actually, Joe, a handheld douche bulb is only going to clean the first chamber, so if you’re looking to get fisted you need to clean deeper”). During a litany of sex questions I’ll see that devilish shine in his eyes — desire, that dark animal lifting its head. 

3. He frequents the gay gym.

Many straight men will visit a gay bar, but gay-heavy gyms are different. During a recent tattoo appointment, my artist and I were talking about our gyms. He’ll go to a gay bar with his girlfriend and would appreciate gay men flirting with him as a compliment, but the gay gym? “Can’t go there. I felt like a piece of meat in the lion cage.” 

5. He gets nervous and awkward around you (and presumably other gay men).

When we’re on the DL or questioning our sexuality, we’re uncomfortable around our own kind, who might recognize us. When another gay/bi man looks into your eyes, you know. There’s a current, a note of understanding, compounded with fear of exposure. 

Before I came out, I looked into the eyes of pharmacists, baristas, volunteer colleagues, fellow students, and countless workers behind countless registers and was understood as instantaneously and devastatingly as if I had been wearing “HOMO” in glitter letters on my shirt. Today I would totally wear that T-shirt, and sometimes younger men look at me — in coffee shops, at theme parks, in pharmacies — and then immediately look down. They know, and I know. 

9. He’s an extreme right-wing homophobe.

His persona includes blog posts about how awesome Michele Bachmann is, a red MAGA hat, and Breitbart bookmarked on his computer. Closeted self-loathing is the not-so-secret formula behind the most vehement antigay politicians — so much so that when I meet someone with major beef with us, I pull out my phone to see if I recognize his headless, faceless profile on Grindr.

14. He repeatedly tries to talk one-on-one (about sex stuff, your relationships, jockstraps, whatever), but never with others present.

Our truths become apparent in how we try to hide them. This is one of the most obvious signs that he’s gay/bi-curious — and one of the most important. It puts you in the role of confidante. Listen to him, talk about whatever you’re comfortable talking about, and talk in a way that invites him into honesty without backing him into a corner. You’ll know when you’re at that point in the conversation. Don’t ask him to reveal his interests because he might not be there yet. Instead, simply give him a platform to talk about “gay guys,” or “his gay friend,” etc.

15. He cozies up to you.

I wish I could tell you where the line of physical intimacy is drawn between “straight” and “nonstraight,” but assuming there is one also assumes a fallacious line between sexual identities. Our bodies don’t select one over the other. 

As Kinsey and other sexologists have revealed, sexuality is fluid and exists on a scale. Trying to fit him into “gay,” “straight,” or “bisexual” is puzzling and unrealistic, so it’s easier to gauge something you can measure — body contact, stimulus, touch. 

If it’s very late and he’s on the couch next to you and leaning in close, put your hand on his shoulder. This is what I call the “marker” touch. Your high school football coach puts a hand on your shoulder as he sends you into the game. Your father puts a hand on your shoulder when you’re 12 and he’s introducing you to someone. When past boyfriends were having bad days, I put my hand on their shoulder — a paternal-feeling gesture that reads, “I got you, I’m here, it’s going to be OK.” 

16. He asks what kind of porn you watch.

It sounds like a gay porn scenario itself, but a lot of “straight-to-gay” encounters happen over porn. You watch it with your buddies, then you happen to be jacking off together. 

When a straight friend is gay-curious, I don’t recommend ’s 30 Minutes of Torture, punch fisting, or hot electro videos with poor submissives screaming in pain. I lead him to where most of us started — or any other gay porn tube site with obnoxious pop-ups and malware threats — and let him explore for himself. If he wants a more specific and sincere recommendation, I send him to my personal favorite — Treasure Island Media (cum dumps, anon loads, group orgies, oh my!). It’s a butt-pirate’s life for me. 

17. He asks if you’re a top or bottom.

Straight men seem to think we’re all bottoms. There’s an odd correlation in cultural myth between “gay” and taking cock up the ass — total power tops must be too terrifying to imagine. Guys open to same-sex experiences know better and will sometimes ask which way you lean. I read it as an obvious indicator, but maybe that’s just my own hope and desire acting up. When I was on the DL, I mostly topped because bottoming was “too gay,” and I was ashamed. Projecting my experience onto them, I assume other closeted gay/bi-curious men do the same. Desire — that dark animal lifting its head.

Method 2 of 3:Meeting New People

Keep in mind that similar to dating apps, using a friend-finding app is a numbers game. You’ll have to go on regularly and check out lots of different profiles to find someone you want to meet.


Your female friends will carefully listen to the unique elements of your current dating drama, and come up with thoughtful and relevant advice; your male friends will tell you that this guy is an asshole. No one hears more about how guys are „all animals“ than a woman with a male best friend.


Their advice usually goes something like this: „Romantic chemistry, schromatic chemistry! You already like his personality, he’s located conveniently near to you, and he has genitals and everything! What are you waiting for?!“