How to have anal sex: Steps for gay men

If having anal sex was as easy as it appears in gay porn, I’d probably do it every day. However, there is more to it and gay men (women too) need to understand how to have anal sex.

It wasn’t until my mid-20s that I got truly comfortable with anal. When I was younger (I’m still in my very very late 20s, or very early 30s before you ask), I had some really painful experiences as a bottom, and some scarily messy experiences as a top.

During gay sex, whether you’re topbottomversatile or have no idea (we’ll cover this another time), planning, practice, preparation and communication are all vital when taking it up the rear. I wish I knew what I know now, when I was younger. But now I know plenty. We’ve got this sorted. Here’s how to have anal sex.

A Gay Man’s Guide to Anal Sex: Tips and tricks for EVERYONE

I basically posted this in a comment for someone with anal questions but I think it would be helpful for all people who are new to exploring butt stuff. In my opinion, a gay male bottom is the best person to consult when you have questions about anal sex. I can also answer them in relation to having vaginal sex because I am a (FtM) trans man. Here is not the place for questions about me or my personal exploration, but if you have a comparative question about the different holes I can also offer that perspective.

USE LUBE! Forget what everyone else is saying, and listen to me. I’m not saying the other posters are wrong. Anal sex does feel more sensational without any lube. BUT, and this is a big BUT, it will also tear your fukin butthole. Trust me, I know, I’ve done it, and although I am a risk taker and wanted optimal sensation, this decision to leave the lube out cost me two months of the most painful shits and strict diet of my life, annd it took almost three full months to heal. I tried sex a few times slowly in between, and it was too painful. The small difference in sensation isn’t worth tearing your anus. I’ve tried it all – dry (raw-dogging), with spit, with water-based, and with silicone lube. The results are as follows. Spit helps and some people finding it degrading and arousing. Water based lube – sticky, dries too fast/too much friction. The only reason to use this is to preserve a toy. Silicone lube is final, and it’s your way to go! It lasts longer too.

Cleanliness/Hygiene: Shit happens, that is true. But this is preventable more than 99% of the time. Here are some things to keep in mind. If you eat somewhat healthy and regularly, your poo should be fairly solid and consistent. This means you don’t need baby wipes for days every time you go #2. That’s a key component. If you are planning to have anal sex, as in you know you want it to happen this evening when he gets off of work, there are ways to plan. Our bodies have both a small and large intestine, and it takes different lengths of time for food to break down and move through these. It takes roughly 8-14 hours from consuming food to pass all the way through, though some foods move more quickly than others. For someone that wants to make anal sex a daily or more type of thing, it’s helpful to be mindful of when you are eating, and when you are pooping. You’ll realize if you keep mealtimes consistent, your bowel movements will be as well. When you are playing with fingers and butt plugs, you aren’t „digging deep“ and you can pretty much ensure cleanliness by trying to poo if you can, and cleaning yourself with water, then using a small toy or plug to test the situation. This brings me to our next topic.

ENEMAS: Yes, they work wonders. Yes, they are not meant to be used regularly and are overal bad for your rectal health. An enema is filled with saline solution, and while it will flush you out pretty damn well, it is not overall healthy for your body. It will dehydrate you, and along with cleaning out all of the gross bacteria, it takes away the healthy protective stuff as well. That being said, if it is your first time going „all the way“ with anal, just USE AN ENEMA. You will be fine. It will make you feel confident in the cleanliness and nothing bad will happen. You want to use it at least 60 min but up to 2 hrs before sexy time. Follow the instructions on the package. The reason you want to do it more than right before is that sometimes you retain some of the water, and still have clear slime and leftover salt water. This creates the sound and feeling of a plunger when he penetrates in and out, and has the same effect. It’s usually just water, but unpleasant nonetheless. It is very much a mood killer.

You can use the same concept of a saline enema, without damaging your body. It is called a flush bulb or anal douche. You can buy this at walgreens or on amazon. It’s under ten dollars and is the same concept, but you fill it with warm water instead of saline water. It doesn’t clean as „deep“ but it does the trick. This is what you’ll use most of the time. When you’re done, you can play with toys in the shower to ensure cleanliness prior to fun. You can google this enema concept with coffee as well which is a diuretic. Some people like to do coffee enemas. Personally I love the smell of coffee and after trying it associated it with the smell of shit mixed in, and I couldn’t drink coffee for months. LOL. If you decide you LOVE anal as much as I do, you might want to invest in what is called a Shower Shooter. It attaches to your shower head and runs the warm water through and shoots out the end, pressurized. It lookes like a long pill shaped sex toy, and you just insert it in your anus and it fills you with warm water to clean out. It is a godsend.

The first time you play around with pressure and go deeper with a toy or something more penis sized, keep this in mind. The natural and initial feeling when sticking something deep inside your anus is that you need to poop. You’ve done it your whole life. Understand and remember this when you first try anal. This makes a lot of newbies freak out and discontinue exploration. If you’ve followed my instructions above, you know you don’t have to poo. Relax and keep going. Part of relaxing is accepting the insertion. You do this by „bearing down“ which is what you do without thinking when you take a shit. You use your sphincter muscles to push out, not in. Think of it as flexing your butthole. Do this as he pushes deeper into you. It will prevent pain and keep you relaxed.

Also on-topic here is the the FAQ section on „Anal Play,“ under the heading Sexual Techniques — which is linked here for reference.

While PSA-type posts are regulated fairly strictly in r/sex, especially when they address a topic covered in the FAQ — this one merits an exception today.

Been doing anal before porn stars started doing it and demanded more money for it. I am 67 and my wife liked anal in the early 70’s when no one was doing it as far as we knew. Lube and more lube as you said. We never worried about cleanliness and neither did I when having anal or analingus with other women. If the girl is healthy and I knew her for a few years, I would go for it. Since she had no idea of what I was going to do and neither did I until it happened, there was no reason for her to prep as you can when you are a couple and plan on it in advance.

To tell the truth I never found any feces when doing analingus or anal sex. However I acknowledge it is a real possibility and perhaps since my penis is only 6.5 inches, it never reached the danger zone. Very good advice here. Many diseases are passed in feces which is why we are genetically wired to not want to eat it or get it on us. We never did any anal stuff if my wife was sick. Only when she was well.

Yep. That’s like the number one way to relax and reduce pain that is also the most simple and important.

Thanks, man! I don’t know if I’ll ever have anal sex, but if my partner and I decide to do it one day, I’ll keep all your advice in mind!

I appreciate you go out of your way to be helpful like this

„Begin to insert“ as in the first few minutes of every time or the first few times something goes in your butt in general?

As in the first ten seconds to a minute or so as the partner slides the toy or penis in for the initial time of each sex session.

For example, I still experience this feeling sometimes when I haven’t had anal sex in a while when he initially inserts. It doesn’t last the whole time. So if I guy initially inserts and then is fucking me, if he removes is cock and we are playing some other kind of way, when he puts it back in I wont experience that all over again. Some guys pull out for a min to avoid cumming to quickly or for various other reasons. Also it can be enjoyable to be teased or completely remove it and reinsert, just like with vaginal penetration.

Thank you for posting this! My heterosexuality doesn’t provide the first hand information needed to ensure my partner has a good anal experience.

Your articulation and willingness to provide concrete first hand experience helps everyone who reads this.

I’m glad you brought up coconut oil. Coconut oil is a pretty fantastic route, actually. But it can disrupt the natural pH balance in the body, more-so vaginally, so if your partner is prone to yeast infections and the like, it may be better to avoid. It is also not safe on toys just like silicone based lube.

The anus getting loose over time is more than anything, a misconception. Muscles don’t wear out because you use them. Stretching the sphincter and rectal tissue safely over time tends to strengthen, not loosen, the muscle. I have taken various shapes, sizes, and curves in my bum for over a decade, almost daily, and I’ve never had hemorrhoids or other concerns. I’ve had tears and STDs from not being careful, but not much else.

The below portion I have borrowed from an article addressing a doctor on anal sex and hemorrhoids.

think I’ve developed hemorrhoids as a consequence of anal sex. Help!

It is uncommon for people to develop hemorrhoids because of anal sex. Why? Because people who enjoy comfortable anal penetration have good conscious control of their anal muscles and pelvic floor muscles, and thus are better at relaxing at the time of a bowel movement. Straining during bowel movements and chronic anal muscle tension are more likely to cause hemorrhoids than anal penetration is. Perhaps this will come as a surprise to you, but anal massage is often helpful to persons who have hemorrhoids because it helps them decrease tension in the musculature, and promote healthy blood circulation.

If you are developing hemorrhoids because of anal sex, I’d advise caution. Your technique needs attention, and you need more information. Chronic muscular tension as well as a lack of relaxation with anal play can cause a break in the anal cushions, padded areas that protect the muscles and blood vessels from the stress of evacuation (passing stool). If the cushions become disturbed, they can puff up and split, allowing blood vessels to pop through either internally (internal hemorrhoids) or externally (external hemorrhoids). These blood vessels can then break (a bleeding hemorrhoid); clot (a painful purple hemorrhoid); or regress, leaving a small skin tag.

Anal penetration before complete relaxation can be the „too much tension“ that causes hemorrhoids. Other causes include chronic anal muscular tension, constipation, and generalized stress. You may not be aware of this, but many people are chronic holders of tension in the muscles surrounding their anus, which can be quite an uncomfortable condition.

So it’s feels like your shitting, and then you try to push out like your shitting? Why is that fun?

I’m not trying to diss. Genuinely curious because I have a lot of trauma around the subject and people insist I only don’t like it because of a mental block… but I don’t exactly get turned on from pooping?

The feeling of having to poo is very fleeting. It’s only when you begin to insert that it feels this way, and that discomfort makes people shy away from what can be a very pleasurable experience. Pushing out is just a way to relax the muscles and you don’t have to be conscious of it or do it the entire time.

Men are generally more turned off at the idea of (personal) anal exploration than women, if they are heterosexual. I think this is unfortunate because men have a prostate which is essentially a G-spot for males. They can obtain even more sensation and pleasure from the experience than a woman if they aren’t mentally blocked from it. I’d bet a lot of money that a guy with an anal prostate toy/stimulator inserted in his butt laying down on his back, while the woman rode him to orgasm would be one of the most pleasurable sexual experiences and intense of orgasms that he ever experienced.

A Gay Man's Guide to Anal Sex: Tips and tricks for EVERYONE

The Best Anal Sex Tips for Adventurous Couples

Here’s everything you could possibly need to know.

According to a 2016 report on sexual behavior out of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 44 percent of straight men and 36 percent of straight women polled between 2006 and 2008 reported that they’ve experimented with anal sex at least once in their lives. Though often associated with gay sex, the report’s findings suggest something else entirely: Anal sex in America is being had by heterosexuals. It all begs the question: Is anal sex part of your sexual repertoire? Whether you’ve tried anal before or not—or if you’re simply curious about what it’s like—take it from me: When performed correct, this long-time porn staple is one of the most pleasurable, safe, and absolutely thrilling sex acts you can do. After all, anal sex isn’t just a kink—it’s a deeply pleasurable and intense experience that any curious couple should consider. From the right lube to the right emotional preparation to the right foods to eat, here are some anal sex tips you should definitely know.

The Best Anal Sex Tips for Adventurous Couples

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The best gay sex positions: How do gay men have sex?

As anyone who’s ever had gay sex, thought about gay sex or watched gay sex will know there are endless combinations possible gay sex positions. But where to start? What feels best? How do you gay men have sex?

This guide to the four most accessible – and we reckon most pleasurable – gay sex positions will help get you started.

Before we get stuck into how to stick it in, we’d always condone safer sex and recommend you read our guide to PrEP, and always use condoms when having sex.

The best gay sex positions: How do gay men have sex?

How To Give A Blowjob: 17 Expert Oral Sex Tips For Gay Men

How to give a blowjob? Easy enough, right? Not necessarily. Blowjobs, oral sex, fellatio – call it whatever you want, but for gay men, a good blowjob can often be the star of the show. Either as an appetizer for things to come, or as the main event: do it well and your partner will thank you forever.

Some believe gay men are automatically good at giving head, because they have a penis, so they supposedly know what feels good. But don’t let that fool you – just because you know what feels good TO YOU, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll know what to do when you go down on someone else.

So, whether you’re a beginner or an expert, one can always learn new tricks. We’ve asked around, used personal experience, scoured the internet… and came up with the ultimate list of tips for a good blowjob. Have Fun!

Gay Sex Ed: Staying Safe While Topping or Bottoming

Gay Sex Ed: Staying Safe While Topping or Bottoming

This is the second installment in a series designed to educate today’s queer youth on healthy gay sex.

The age-old binary relationship between the top and the bottom is as simple as it is complex. In any sexual encounter, gay, straight or otherwise, one person typically assumes the dominant role while the other takes on a submissive role. And while the “give and receive” of actions and pleasures may ebb and flow during intercourse, many people generally prefer one role or another. But while tops and bottoms are equal, their differing roles do come with different health issues and responsibilities that every gay and bisexual man should be well informed about, regardless of sexual position.

Preface: All STIs are bad for your health. However, they are not all created equally. In general, condoms do protect against STIs that are spread through body fluids (semen, blood and anal or vaginal fluids). STIs that spread through skin-to-skin contact (Herpes, HPV) can still spread with condom use, especially if either partner has any open sores or lesions. In terms of focus and clarity, this discussion will singularly focus on HIV rather than other STIs.

Definition: The insertive partner in same-sex anal sex with cisgender gay men (men whose bodies align with their identification as men) or transgener gay men, or vaginal sex with pre-op or non-op transgender gay men.

Overview: There is nothing like a good top. However, there is a general misconception that there are little to no health risks associated with topping, but a good top knows that he has to think about his sexual health and safety just like any bottom out there. In fact, the top’s sexual health is probably the most important, as his status is what could place the bottom at risk for HIV transmission.

(Popular Myth: A guy who exclusively tops will never get HIV.)

Risk: A guy who is topping is generally at a lesser risk for HIV than the guy who is bottoming, but both topping and bottoming during unprotected anal sex is considered high-risk behavior. When a condom isn’t used, HIV can enter through the opening of the penis through small cuts, abrasions or open sores. Having another STI can further increase your risk for transmission. Research also suggests that uncircumcised tops are at a higher risk for HIV infection than those who are circumcised. Either way, topping doesn’t protect you from HIV.

Responsibility: When topping, it is arguably more important to know your HIV status. If you are HIV-positive and not on treatment, you may have a high viral load that places your sexual partner at higher risk for transmission. If your partner is HIV-positive, you are still at risk but that risk is reduced, especially if he is on treatment and undetectable. A condom or PrEP are your best options for protection, because it places you in control of protecting your partner and protecting yourself. For a top who is HIV-positive, maintaining an undetectable viral load through consistent use of antiretroviral medication and consistent medical care is the best method of protecting himself from transmitting the virus.

Definition: The receptive partner in same-sex anal sex for cisgender gay men or transgender gay men, or vaginal sex with transgender gay men.

Tops may get the glory, but bottoms make the world go round. To be a good bottom a guy has to know what works for his body, how to maintain a healthy and hygienic rear end, and how to navigate his sexual health without compromising his pleasure. Quite simply, tops have it easy when it comes to gay sex because being a good bottom is no easy job.

(Popular myth: If an HIV-positive guy is always the bottom, he will never transmit the virus.)

Risk: Simply put, a gay man who bottoms is more at risk for HIV. The sensitive lining of the anus is more susceptible to cuts and abrasions during sex. These cuts and abrasions allow for HIV that is present in the top’s cum or pre-cum to come into contact with the bottom’s bloodstream. 

Responsibility: When bottoming, you should always inquire about your partner’s HIV status since your position places you more at-risk for transmission. Regardless of his answer, your best option for protection is the use of Truvada as PrEP, because it places you in control of your own health regardless of his status or condom use. As a bottom, you can negotiate condom use, but your partner is the one who wears the rubber. If you bottom and do not wear condoms 100 percent of the time, the use of PrEP will afford you with the certainty of protection. Once again, a bottom who is HIV-positive can protect himself from transmitting by consistently taking their HIV medication and staying in care.

If you are a gay man, you may have a position preference, but chances are you will change it up every now and then. Whether you are a guy who prefers to top or just a big ‘ole bottom, make sure you know the ins and outs of both roles so that you can be pleasing to your partner while protecting yourself. If you do so, then it won’t matter if the top is on bottom, the bottom is on top, or if both of you are tangled sideways because you both with be equal, and equally protected. 

The Straight Guy’s Guide to Anal Play

Nope, we’re not talking about putting your penis in your lady’s asshole. We’re talking about stimulating your asshole. If you’re like many straight guys, your interest in this article just plummeted. Lots of straight men are turned off by the idea of anal play (to be fair, many bi and gay men are too), and as a result are missing out on a whole world of fun. Today we’re here to convince you that it’s time to stop ignoring your ass.

How to Ride a Guy for Maximum Pleasure and Avoid Pain

Learning how to bottom isn’t something that comes with a guide. The reality is that for many gay men, anal sex can be a real source of anxiety. It wasn’t that long ago that being gay was something that one had to hide because of understandable concerns about being judged.

In fact to some degree, there still exists anti-gay sentiment in many parts of the United States. With the legalization of same sex marriage however, it does appear societal views are changing.

And so the purpose of this page is to help you as a gay men understand the unique dynamics involved with anal intercourse with your man. We’ll walk you through some of the science of riding a guy and offer a set of 12 tips designed to make the experience as comfortable, pleasurable and pain free as possible.

Riding a Guy: Anal Anatomy

Before moving into the “How to ride a guy” tips, it is important to understand the anatomy of the anus. Similar to your penis, the anus is wired with tons of sensitive nerve endings. When properly executed, these nerve endings can make riding a guy very pleasurable.

At its core, the anus is the external opening of the rectum. Inside, it is controlled by two small rings of muscles referred to as external and internal sphincters. You have the ability to control your external sphincter. The internal sphincter, however, is involuntary in nature, meaning you don’t have the ability to control.

What often happens is that when the two sphincters and too tight (tense), it challenging and painful for a penis to enter – particularly if it is large. If the sphincters are in a relaxed state however, they have the ability to stretch and expand, allowing you to ride a guy of any size.

Like your penis, your rectum is filled with super sensitive nerve endings. This is why riding a guy is so pleasurable for many gay and bi men – as well as women.

During anal intercourse, your prostate gland (a small, walnut-sized gland that is nestled between your bladder and penis) can be stimulated, which a lot of guys find enjoyable.

Some people call the prostate gland the male G-spot, which can amplify feelings of pleasure.

1. Ride a Guy Clean

The very first thing you will want to do is make sure you are clean down there. One of the most embarrassing things that can happen is when you are riding a guy and something unfortunate happens. That’s why beginner bottoms needs carefully clean and wipe to avoid these kinds of accidents.

There are many commercial products that you can buy on the market. Many gay men who ride guys report that OTTBA Enema Kit provides superior cleaning power while also coupling as a source for pleasure. It comes in a discrete box to your home and includes a small amount of lube. It’s also FDA approved.

Why do we love it?

It’s tight. Well, tighter than the vagina which is making penile rubbing way more intense and orgasm – much pleasurable. Further, there’s the “forbidden” factor that gets everyone going. Simple as that.  Oh and – don’t think a guy is gay simply because he enjoys anal – it’s all about tight rubbing, remember?

Safer sex with condoms

Keep a few condoms in your wallet, or in the drawer next to your bed. Keeping them on the bedside table sends a clear message that you’re into safer sex.

Or, it might make you look like you’re f**king every man that catches your eye (you lucky bugger), which might put off a potential boyfriend compared to a casual hook-up, so use your judgement.

How to Be a Better Bottom

When I was little, my father would drag my sister and me out in the cold morning in camouflage outfits and orange hats to sit with him in a deer stand and practice shooting his gun. This was a necessity for a young boy in the South. While his tutelage never stuck, he might be surprised to learn that I still grew up to be a hunter. 

All I need is a drawstring shoulder bag carrying my keys, wallet, cell phone, and a douching bulb for emergency visits to the nearest bathroom. Depending on the environment — a dive bar versus a dance club, a bathhouse or a play party — I might be wearing more clothes or less, but the target is the same: men and anal sex. 

As gay men, a good portion of some of our lives will be dedicated to the art and craft of anal sex. It is one of my favorite ways to pass an evening and one of the most enjoyable parts of my life. At its best, bottoming is a mind-blowing and carnal experience that feels really good. At its worst, it is painful and unpleasant. Clearly there is a right and wrong way to do it, and a learning curve — few guys start off as bottoming champions. You need years of practice, and sometimes you need tips from someone who knows what he is doing. Hi, I’m Alex. 

The tips in this slideshow progress from beginner bottoms to more advanced bottoms, so if you are just beginning your magical bottoming journey, the advice at the beginning may be more useful to you than those in the back. Enjoy the ride. 

A Word of Warning From Writer Alexander Cheves

My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely on my own experiences. As with everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.

Those who are sensitive regarding frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that addresses sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.

For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions for sex and dating topics in the comments.

Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter @BadAlexCheves and visit my blog, The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend. 

1. Consume high amounts of fiber.

The first rule of gay sex applies to bottoms of all calibers: watch what you eat. 

My vegetarian friends say that they hardly need to clean before sex — they simply use the bathroom and are good to go. This is because they consume a high fiber diet, which cleanses the colon. Meat-eaters like myself benefit from fiber regimens like daily Metamucil or Benefiber to keep our runways clear. In my experience, the best fiber regimens are those that come in powder form that you mix in a glass of water, and most contain psyllium husk — a natural fiber with multiple health benefits. 

Sugar-free psyllium husk fiber can be purchased on its own, and I have even seen it sold in capsule form. I have not had the same good results from fiber capsules as I have from Metamucil, but some guys might. Metamucil is part of my daily routine. 

Fiber is extremely good for you, and when it comes time to clean out your butt for sex, your stools will be compact and “together,” making cleaning considerably easier. Loose, runny stool is a nightmare to clean out. 

Too much fiber can dehydrate you and cause cramps and hemorrhoids, so do not take more than the recommend dose. Make sure you drink plenty of water to stay hydrated — something every healthy person should do anyway.

2. Find a cleaning regimen that works for you.

Some guys can simply tell when they’re good. These men have an uncanny ability to just know without a shadow of doubt that their colons are clear and ready for a pounding, no douching required. These men are mysteries to me. I respect them the way I respect firefighters and contortionists. I cannot quite believe they can do what they do, but they do it nevertheless. 

I always have to make sure things are good down there before having sex. Some guys do a pre-sex check with a lubed finger, but I do not trust my fingers, which are shorter than most of dicks I want to take. So while a finger check might be convincing for some, I always fear there may be stuff further up. This is why I almost always clean out beforehand. 

[RELATED: „30 Liquid Assets Every Gay Man Should Know“]

Let’s face a fact: douching, using an enema, and frequently cleaning out the ass would probably be frowned upon by most healthcare specialists. Some consider it an acceptable occasional practice to relieve constipation, but most would frown at the idea of douching as frequently as every week (or more). 

I choose to clean frequently because I like to have mess-free anal sex, and have not had any problems from excessive douching. Many straight people have this idea that gay sex is a messy affair, but as Dan Savage wrote in his book American Savage, “You don’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason that you don’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food. Because it’s uncomfortable and it makes a mess.” 

Most guys have different cleaning methods depending on the kind of sex they want to have. Most guys begin cleaning in the shower with water and a finger, and for some that is enough. Many guys move on to using a douching bulb or enema. This works for most guys too, although douching bulbs and enemas will not clean your ass as deeply and thoroughly as hoses and shower attachments can. I use a hose — a shower attachment with a short, smooth nozzle — with slightly warm water and low pressure (high pressure is not recommended — ouch). These different cleaning methods have different benefits and different risks which I will go into in the following slides. 

5. Train your butt with toys.

I have a delightful condition I call “classic bottom syndrome.” I have learned to enjoy the feeling of getting fucked and having stuff in my butt so much that my brain now links orgasm with anal. You could say that my pleasure focus point has shifted from my dick to my butt. I admittedly do not masturbate as much as I used to, and it takes me much longer to cum when I do not have something in me. 

Not only are anal prostate orgasms more intense for men, but some, like myself, learn to love the feeling of the anal spinchter (the circular muscle that opens and closes at the base of the colon, which is clenched tight and shut for most of your life and opens when you have to use the bathroom) opening around an object, whether it be a penis, a butt plug, or hand. The opening and closing of this muscle on its own can be very erotic. 

I discovered this sensation through toy play. Gay sex tends to focus only on the prostate, since a good top is basically rubbing the prostate with his dick. When my ex-boyfriend and I decided to start playing with toys, I discovered sensations that I had never experienced before. He started pushing a small butt plug in my ass during foreplay, and I learned that the feeling of being opened can be just as intense as being fucked. 

Toy play has made me a better bottom and, for many guys, is the gateway to becoming more comfortable with sex. Toys open you up and get you used to the feeling of penetration at your own speed. 

7. Experiment with lubes until you find your favorite.

My favorite lube is Pjur Back Door silicone lube. I know this after experimenting with every kind of lube imaginable, from lotions to kitchen ingredients to Elbow Grease and more. Browse my list of must-try lubes in “30 Liquid Assets Every Gay Man Should Know.” 

A good lube makes a big difference. Many guys prefer spit — I do — but spit typically will not work for rough sex or extended play. When I go hard, I use silicone lube. Silicone lube is messy and stays slick forever, meaning it can sometimes present clean-up problems (avoid touching door handles), but it works fine with latex and non-latex condoms and keeps your ass lubed up longer than water-based lube. Silicone lube can also be used in the shower, since it will not wash off with water, meaning you can use it for douching and for shower sex. 

11. Bareback bottoms should get tested regularly.

We now live in an age when PrEP gives HIV-negative men and women extra precaution against HIV transmission — a precaution that, according to every statistic available, is more dependable than regular condom use. But while PrEP has the potential to lower HIV transmission rates among the people who can get access to the costly medication, rates for other STIs like chlamydia and gonorrhea and syphilis are soaring among gay men. 

I do not shame barebacking because most of my sex is bare and condom-less. I am a piggy guy who loves male bodily fluids — cum, sweat, piss, spit, in that order — but I also know my sex practices involve STI infection. Most clinics and LGBT centers say that sexually active gay men should receive a full-range testing every three months. Since I am having regular bareback sex, I get tested every month, no exceptions. 

Getting tested every month is not a preventative healthcare practice, but a responsive one. While I agree that most responsive healthcare regimens are less healthy in the long run than preventative care — our overmedicated society is evidence of that — I concede here that monthly STI testing and PrEP jointly face a present reality: gay men are having bareback sex, and lots of it. 

The thinking goes that if you get tested regularly for everything then you will catch STIs and treat them before they become bigger problems (and let’s face it, if you are a sexually active gay man, you are going to get an STI at least once in your life). This thinking does not work so well for HIV, since HIV can stay in the body for months before it registers on an HIV test, during which time the virus is very transmissible. But for men on PrEP who make the decision not to use condoms, monthly testing is the minimum degree of self-care that you should practice. 

While bareback pigs frequently incur shaming and anger from people both in and outside the gay community, stigmatizing a lifestyle does little to address its reality. Barebacking is in, and the vast majority of homos I know do it. This fact is probably a nightmare to public health workers and a damning picture of gay promiscuity to sex-phobic and homophobic people all over the world, but neither of those opinions change the fact that many of us (I am tempted to say “most”) are fucking bare and not apologizing for it. So rather than cast blame, the wisest response is for me and every health care worker and conscientious gay man to urge guys who bareback to get tested as frequently as possible.

13. Anti-diarrhea treatments will keep you clean — most of the time.

There is a trick I learned at the Folsom Street Fair a couple years ago. If you take Imodium or some anti-diarrhea treatment (and you do not, in fact, have diarrhea) it will stop everything. After cleaning once or twice, the treatment will stop your body’s poop-making processes, especially if you take the maximum dosage, and keep you clean for a long, wild evening. 

Different gay men have argued the health benefits of doing this. It is probably not the best thing to do, but neither is excessive cleaning or really rough sex, which can cause hemorrhoids and fissures and other ailments. Gay men do not always make the healthiest choices — in fact, my experience shows that we tend to make a lot of unhealthy ones — but we have perfected the art of fucking. 

There is a caveat to this trick: it might not work perfectly. While I have generally had good success with Imodium, over-dosage has messed up my stomach and actually caused me to have a bowel movement. It can make you feel cramped and give you a stomachache, especially if you eat food after taking it. My backup plan is to always carry a douche in a drawstring bag, but this is not always doable. I have cleaned in strange places — in the bathrooms of clubs and bathhouses, in the showers at truck stops, and once in the bar owner’s apartment over the club (the music was pounding through the floor below). 

14. If you want to get fisted, do it the right way.

Fisting — inserting the whole hand into the anus — tends to draw gasps from people who are not into it, gay men included. Regardless, fisting is one of the most intimate and erotic sex practices I have ever experienced. Guys into fisting understand pleasure and ass limits in a way that few others do, and theirs is a fraternity unified by red socks and red hankies and a gleeful love of all things ass. 

There are many books and websites on how to fist properly — Fist Me! The Complete Guide To Fisting by Stephan Niederwieser is a great one — but the biggest challenge for someone with dreams of being a fisting bottom is the hours of patience and practice that must come before he finally pushes past the knuckle. You will probably not take his fist the first time you try, and that should not be your goal. Get comfortable, first and foremost, with getting fucked. Then start with anal toys, gradually working up to larger and larger sizes.

When you feel you are ready to get fisted, only do it with someone with years of fisting experience. You do not want an amateur or beginner playing in your butt. Not only is getting fisted a sensory overload, but it requires more trust and vulnerability than perhaps any other sex act (with the exception of various kink and BDSM scenes). Improper fisting can cause severe rectal damage and send you to the hospital, so only explore fisting with someone who knows what they are doing and someone who is sober.

Go slowly and use lots of lube. You cannot use too much lube in fisting. While Crisco is certainly the most old-school fisting lube, J-Lube and the French product Fist Powder Tech are also recommended. Try different lubes to figure out which one you like the most. 

17. Celebrate being a bottom!

There is a lot of bottom shaming in the world. Invariably bottoms are the ones that get teased and mocked the most in gay discourse, and tops glorified. There is a very ugly, misogynist, heteronormative reason for this that invariably comes from the idea that guys who fuck are a step closer to being “straight” and even “male” while guys who get fucked are automatically feminized, degraded, “gayer,” and a step closer to “women.” The deeply misogynist and homophobic tones of this discourse should not be surprising, since misogyny is no stranger to gay culture and some of the worst homophobes in the world are gay men who direct this hatred at themselves and their own kind. 

When I first came out of the closet, I announced myself as a top. I did this so that the straight men around me would see me closer to being an equal. I was afraid of femininity and afraid of what I perceived as gay stereotypes and “flamboyance,” and I did everything I could to appear differently — including calling guys “bro” and topping only (badly, I might add). 

My topping phase lasted through two brief college relationships before I accepted a truth that I had known all along: I was a bottom. And not just any kind of bottom. I wanted to be unable to sit afterward. I masturbated to the idea of using Preparation H after a rough night to decrease the swelling. I wanted my hole wrecked. 

When I finally tried to carry out these fantasies, I could not take anything bigger than a pinky finger. But I worked at it and learned by body and made mistakes, and now I can enjoy hours of marathon sex and go exercising the next day — no Preparation H required. I am a bottom without shame or apology. I love my butt, I love men, and I love men being in my butt. 

The next time you go hunting, do so with confidence and self-love. You are not lucky to find a good top — a good top is lucky to find you. 

[RELATED: Marriage and Beyond: 26 Relationship Possibilities for Gay Men“]

Considering popping the cherry? Read this first.

Sex between men is a beautiful, passionate, awesome thing. It’s also a difficult thing to do when you’re starting off. Do you want to try anal sex? Do you want to kiss, suck, rub, or touch? What do you try first? Where do you begin? How do you keep yourself safe from sexually transmitted infections? These questions and more are covered here.

It’s OK to be scared or nervous. Everyone is. Keep reading for 21 things to know before losing your gay virginity.

A word of warning from Alex Cheves.

My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.

Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.

For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.

Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend

The 10 Best Bedrooms Positions for Getting It On With Another Guy

If you’re single, how do you prevent awkward and boring sex from ruining chemistry with that really cute guy from Grindr?

If you’re in a longterm relationship, how do you keep the sex fun and exciting with each anniversary? Even the most seasoned casanovas need to know their fair share of sex positions to keep things interesting between the sheets, which is why we’ve put together this handy (and illustrated) guide to the best gay ones.

Before we get started, it’s important to establish some gay sex ground rules:

Now that we’ve got that covered, it’s time to learn more about the best gay sex positions.

If you think you’re an expert, think again. There’s always more to be learned!

There are plenty of more basic sex tips out there for tops and bottoms who want to strengthen their game in bed, but what about for the experts? If you’re having plenty of sex, you probably already know to use a lot of lube. (Or conversely, your anus is so warmed up, you don’t even need any.) You also know more than three types of sexual positions. So these are some tips for tops/bottoms/versatile men who don’t need a 101 crash course, but a 401 masters level seminar.

Here are 13 sex tips for gay guys who think they know everything about sex!

Studying you can get behind.

As gay/bi men, we didn’t learn much in sex ed. Queer-specific topics are always left out. Actually, did they teach anything in sex ed that’s queer-specific? Nothing. We learned about STDs, and we learned how to put on a condom. That’s it! All the other stuff we found out the hard way. So here are 100 things we wish our middle school sex-ed teacher taught us.

12. Rimming is a thing

And it’s probably more common than you think, especially in the gay male community. Rimming (AKA analingus) does come with health risks (so too does oral directly after penetrative sex), so it’s important to be careful and clean as a whistle when rimming.

18. Men’s racism will take the false form of “sexual preferences”

Sexual racism is a thing, and it’s rampant in the gay/bi community. On dating apps men often say that they don’t hook up with certain ethnic groups. They are open about their prejudices in a manner that’s hurtful and offensive.

20. Femmephobia and sizeism are real, hurtful, and ubiquitous in the LGBT+ community.

In addition to sexual racism people are prejudiced against men who act and identity as more feminine. They can also discriminatory against overweight men. You’ll often see “no fats or femmes” on dating profiles.

39. Don’t touch his muscles without asking

Don’t do this, even if you’re at a club and he’s wearing a muscle tank. Don’t automatically assume that you can touch a stranger in any way. A guy I’m currently dating is jacked beyond belief. Men are continually reaching out to touch him (chest, arms, etc) without consent, and it drives him nuts. As it should! Don’t objectify him or assume you can grab him simply because he’s a gym rat.

75. You can love someone deeply but that doesn’t mean you should be dating

I wish I didn’t have to learn this lesson firsthand. You can love someone deeply, care for them with all your heart, and even have a great sexual connection with them, but that doesn’t mean you should be dating. You don’t have to date everyone you care for deeply.

88. Getting HIV is not the end of the world

If the rate continues in the US, one in two African American men who have sex with men (MSM) will get HIV. One in four Latino men. And one in 11 MSM men. Do your best to protect yourself against HIV, but if you do get it, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of sex. It’s not the end of dating. Your life will go on. You can still live a happy and healthy life with a partner.

Anal sex positions

Most of these gay sex positions are anal sex positions, but there are some non-penetrative sexual positions at the end too.

If you’re after more anal sex reading, here’s another general guide on how to have anal sex that covers douching, communication, lube and some other stuff.

Top, bottom or versatile?

We’re going to look at gay sex positions from the point of view of a top and a bottom.

If you’re versatile (and we encourage you all to be), lucky you, you can do both. In some gay sex positions the top leads the action, and in some the bottom takes the lead.

Interested in finding out why some guys are top and some are bottom? Here’s a scientific study from 2017 that talks about it.

Try the gay missionary position first

This gay sex position may sound boring, but it’s not, we promise. It’s one of the easiest positions for a top, and not especially difficult for a bottom.

During gay sex, if you’re engaging in foreplay and sucking his cock while he’s laying down, keep licking, kissing and sucking as you move your mouth down towards his balls.

Then go further, toward his perineum (the bit between his balls and his ass) and then his butthole.

Bottom: if you’re enjoying this, give him a few moans and wriggle your asshole a bit closer to where his tongue is.

If he’s keen, keep eating his ass. Open his ass cheeks and get in there deep with your tongue. If you can, and body shapes and sizes depend on this, lift his ass up a bit.

Seeing eye to eye

The gay missionary position is good for maintaining eye contact and clear communication during anal sex.

You can penetrate your partner slowly and carefully, keeping an eye on the target. You can build up a momentum that you’re both comfortable with. And it’s easy to get back in if you slip out, because you can see everything clearly.

Now try riding a guy’s cock

If you’re new to getting f**ked, or nervous about taking a big dick, this gay sex position could be good for you, because as a bottom, you’ll have the control.

It’s a good one for gaining confidence when it comes to taking cock – if it starts to hurt, you can slow down, and lower yourself onto him at your own pace.

You need a certain amount of athleticism to be able to ride your man. You want to be going up and down, and slightly back and forth, at the same time. A bit like riding a horse.

If you’re bigger built than your top, or if you’re a bigger guy in general this one can be tricky as gravity is against you. Be careful not to crush the chap under you or he’ll be at risk of losing his erection.

7. Use Your Eyes

Yes, your eyes – not for the actual blowjob, but for eye contact. Depending on your position, if you can look up and make eye contact with him while his cock is in your mouth, it’ll make him feel good. There’s a reason they do it often in gay porn.

15. Swallow! (Or at least… start to)

The worst thing in the world is to pull out and let him climax into thin air. Imagine masturbating, only to pull your hands off right when you’re about to cum. Awful!

When he’s really close to the end (which, if you know him well enough, you’ll sense – otherwise you can ask him to TELL you when he’s close) that’s the moment to give it all – go fast, go hard, use your tongue and suck for all you’re worth.

When he actually starts cumming, though, you have several options:

Of course, sometimes it’s fun to cum in and on different places (as gay porn often teaches us), so by all means, experiment – just don’t leave him hanging. (And try NOT to get any cum in your eyes – it burns…)

What Will My Girlfriend/Wife Think?

Several women have come to me for advice on this subject. Their concern was that their man’s interest in trying anal sex is a sign that he’s gay or bisexual. According to a New York Times article published in December 2013, of all of the Google searches conducted in the United States that begin with „Is my husband …,“ the most common end to the phrase is „gay.“

Of course, in most cases, the husband in question is not, in fact, gay. This concern is really about a lack of control on the part of the female partner, and the real fear might have more to do with her partner’s sexual adventurousness than with a real concern that he’s attracted to the same sex.

Ladies, your partner’s interest in anal sex is not a sign that he’s gay. He is just getting his groove on in a way that feels incredible. Examining that kink does not mean he will stop loving you!

Does Having Anal Sex Mean I Might Be Gay?

There is a social stigma for hetero men if they feel, or appear to be, gay. This is a real issue for straight men who are not in touch with gay culture, advanced sexual techniques or sex-positive friends.

Fortunately, the first hurdle to overcome here is really simple: There is nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. Once you understand that, you just have to know that it’s not what you put in your body that makes you gay – it’s who you love (or love having sex with). If that sex involves anal play, that doesn’t change a thing.

Now that you have made it past the idea that you’re straight and want to try this, let the fun begin!

Secondary navigation

Using a condom helps protect against HIV and lowers the risk of getting many other STIs.

A survey of gay and bisexual men by Stonewall revealed that 1 in 3 men had never had an HIV test, and 1 in 4 had never been tested for any STI. 

Men who have sex with men (MSM) should have a check-up at least every 6 months at a sexual health or genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic. This is important, as some STIs do not cause any symptoms.

What does gay chastity mean, and what’s the difference between a chastity belt and chastity cage?

Read Next

When it comes to having safe and pleasurable anal sex, it’s important to know all the facts. With that in mind, we asked Dr. Joseph Terlizzi, a New York-based colon and rectal surgeon, for the lowdown on how gay and bi men can prepare, how to do the deed, and how to stay safe post-coital. Check out his expert advice on how to make anal sex more pleasurable:

Post-Coital Cleaning

After anal sex, shower normally with a gentle soap. Clean the outside of the anus very gently — do not attempt to scrub. Do not use enemas, including soap suds or Fleets. Get tested for STIs every three months if you are having anal intercourse with more than one partner, and every six months if you are monogamous. You can easily find a gay-friendly or gay-identifying doctor through Lighthouse to avoid negative discrimination or stigma.


A classic position for straight couples, missionary is pretty common for gay partners as well. In this position, the bottom lies on his back with his legs spread apart in the air while the active partner lies on top so the couple is face-to-face. Penetration from this angle allows for intimate eye contact and kissing, and the bottom can wrap his legs around the top to anchor thrusting. While not necessarily the kinkiest position, missionary is great for more inexperienced or vanilla couples. If you slip a pillow under the small of the bottom’s back for extra support, they can lay comfortably without having to strain to keep their legs in the air.

Doggy Style

Another classic gay sex position is doggy style. While potentially less intimate than missionary, doggy style allows you and your partner to explore each other in a new way. Doggy style really puts the top in control, so it’s the perfect position for more dominant tops and submissive bottoms. In doggy style, the bottom gets on all fours while the top kneels behind him. Holding on to the bottom’s hips for support, the top enters the bottom from behind. Penetration from this angle can feel harder and deeper for bottoms, and doggy style can be better for prostate stimulation for some men. Doggy style is good for couples of all experience levels, but it can require extra stamina from tops.


For couples with more dominate bottoms and tops who like to take it easy, cowboy is the ideal gay sex position. In the cowboy position, the top sits or lies back while the bottom straddles him across his pelvis facing forward, either in a kneel or squatting position. The cowboy position gives the bottom control over penetration, which can help to achieve prostate stimulation. The top can also thrust into the bottom from this position, shifting the dynamic between dominate and submissive partner. Cowboy is a good position for couples of all experience levels, but bottoms should be prepared for a workout.

RELATED: The Best Gay And LGBTQ-Friendly Dating Sites

The Bodyguard

If the traditional horizontal positions have lost their excitement, try a standing position. Standing positions allow both partners an increased range of motion compared to horizontal positions—you can move together, or one can remain still while the other establishes and varies the rhythm. The most classic standing position, sometimes known as “the bodyguard,” is when the bottom faces away from the top and the top enters from behind. For anchorage, the bottom should hold onto a nearby wall, table, or other surface. Because the bodyguard position is more accommodating in small spaces or in the outdoors, they’re great for more adventurous couples who want to take sex out of the bedroom.

Pirate’s Bounty

The flashy name may make this position sound more complicated than it is, but the pirate’s bounty is a must-have in any gay sex wheelhouse. In this position, the bottom lies down his back, shifting his pelvis so that one leg is down and the other is up in the air. The active partner kneels, facing the bottom, and puts the bottom’s elevate leg on his shoulder as he enters him. This angle allows for a deep penetration. If the bottom is flexible, the top can push the elevated leg towards the bottom’s head for an even deeper and more intimate experience.


Spooning is one of the most intimate gay sex positions. Both partners lay on their sides, the top on the outside as the “big spoon.” The top enters the bottom from behind, with the bottom’s top leg elevated to allow for entry. For an extra deep penetration, the top can hook his elbow under the bottom’s elevated knee for easier access. This position involves a lot of close body contact, making it a great option for couples looking for an intimate and sensual sexual encounter.

Suspended Congress

For the more adventurous and active gay couples out there, suspended congress is an exciting and erotic challenge. This position is designed to get you out of bed and work on your cardio too. In this position, the top stands and picks up the bottom, who wraps his arms around the top’s neck for support. The top then enters the bottom from this position, holding the bottom’s thighs in his arms to support the bottom’s hips against his pelvis. For extra support while thrusting, put the bottom’s back against a wall or other solid structure. For more fit couple, try a free-standing suspended congress for a real full-body workout.


While not necessarily the ideal position for less experienced bottoms, the arch position is great for gay couples looking to explore sex from a new perspective. To get into the arch position, bottoms lay face up and lifts his hips upward, while keeping his feet and the back of his neck planted on the floor. The top kneels facing the bottom, entering him by placing his pelvis underneath the bottom’s raised hips. This position requires some serious back flexibility in terms of the bottom’s role, which is why it’s not recommended for the inexperienced, but this angle of penetration can be intensely stimulating and pleasurable for both tops and bottoms.

2. Yes, you should experiment on your own. (Your partner will thank you.)

Male or female, gay or straight, you should experience firsthand what it feels like to have something in your anus, because the experience will inform your knowledge in the bedroom later. The next time you’re in the shower, put some shower gel or soap on your fingers and have a slow exploration session.

Begin by massaging only the exterior of the anus for a few minutes. Then, put the pad of your index or middle finger on the opening. Practice contracting your external sphincter muscle for a count of three then relaxing it for a count of three. After a few rounds of this, you’ll begin to gain an appreciation for just how much control you can exert over this muscle and once you can contract and relax with ease, push the pad of your finger in about a quarter inch while relaxed.

Perform another set of five contractions and releases on your finger tip before pushing it in yet another quarter inch. Keep going in this way until your finger is beyond the second sphincter and inside your rectum. Once you’re in, try massaging the walls of your rectum as well as moving your fingers in and out. Take a few sessions of alone time to learn what feels good back there and what doesn’t. How do you feel about two fingers? Three? Through this exercise, you’ll learn a lot of vital information you can use later.

What does gay chastity mean, and what’s the difference between a chastity belt and chastity cage?

But Does It Mean You’re Gay?

No. It’s a shame that so many guys still operate under the caveman-like mentality that “butt = gay.” Listen, guys, your sexual identity is defined by the gender of people you’re attracted to, not by the parts of your body that you play with. Lots of bi and gay men enjoy oral sex. Does enjoying oral sex “make you gay” too? Of course not.

The simple fact of the matter is that there are nerve endings in your anus. It feels good to have stimulation there. But the only way anal play defines your sexuality is if you want another guy to stimulate your anus and you choose to identify yourself as gay.

The Grundle: The Gateway Drug

If the idea of going straight for your anus is too intimidating to you, you can experiment with your grundle first. The grundle, taint, or otherwise known by it’s fancier name, the perineum, is the strip of skin between your testicles and your anus. Stimulating it will give you a little hint of what anal play can feel like. It responds well to firm pressure, so try using your middle finger to give it a massage while you masturbate. You can also ask your lady to massage the area with her knuckle while she gives you a handjob or blowjob.

Peter Minkoff

Peter is a gay lifestyle writer for TheGayUk magazine from Brisbane, Australia! He worked as a freelance writer for local newspapers in before blogging. Follow Peter on Twitter for more tips.


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